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Thursday, January 10, 2013

How to Sell Girl Scout Cookies

How to Sell Girl Scout Cookies
Subtitle: I hand you a box you hand me money. We REALLY needed a two hour training for this?!!? 

Remember, humor, not offense. Humor. Don’t make me get my dictionary...

Step 1: Eat before you go. You will THINK that there is no way that this can take two hours, but oh trust me, it will, and it will take longer because people will ask stupid questions. Stop by a fast food place or something on the way. Just not Arby’s because they want $10 for a combo meal. 

$10 US - for ONE Sandwich, ONE side and ONE small drink. 

I actually laughed at the girl. 

See, I can be offensive anywhere. 

Step 2: Sign in. It will be MASS chaos because apparently you’re the only leader there that knows your service unit’s name and number. About fifteen people will cut in front of you, whine, bitch, complain, piss and moan all the while the names and numbers are posted on BIG GREEN SIGNS over the tables. 

There needs to be an IQ test for living. 

You people drive? 

That explains a LOT. 

Step 3: Hide in the back. This isn’t because I’m a rebel, well I kinda am, I refused to do the stand up and cheer and pat one another on the back because I’m not fifteen and this is not a high school football game, but because they’re going to talk about the stupidest things on the planet for the next two plus hours. You will need your computer to write Stargate Fan Fic and this blog. Yep, the woman is literally explaining what a tab is on a website while I type this step. I will get there is a second. 

Step 4: Try not to roll your eyes at the opening pitch. Three very chipper ladies will skip to the front and talk about chipper things to a bunch of women who are tired because they’ve been at work all day. Then they will try to sell you cookie crap, like table cloths and cookie purses and other nonsense that just makes you want to start your own type of scouting because this is WAY too commercial. But just wait, because when the lead cookie trainer comes up she’s going to spend about 15 minutes talking about how Girl Scout Cookies is not about money.  I would like to take this opportunity to share the follow definition with you: 

Definition of HYPOCRITE
: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

Step 5: Get your other entertainment ready. Next, after the 15 minutes pitch about this not being about money, followed by the I really want to get you out of here on time pitch there will be another pitch to explain to you the changes in the BOX DECOR. Show of hands, please? How many of you are really looking at the boxes?? How many of you actually HAVE the box around long enough to look at it because in my house we can blast through a case in about a week, no joke. I stopped listening until they moved on at this point and wrote three pages of fan fiction, all of which allowed me to escape to dark satin sheet covered places with Daniel Jackson. 

I'd like to feed YOU a cookie baby. 

Just sayin' 

Step 6: “The Girl Scouts are worse than the IRS.” See the quotes? That was a HONEST TO ATHENA quote from the training, word for word. So, after the lady put the boxes down she started talking about money so I listened in case anything had changed. Nope, just more “we will hit your credit report” threats and whatnot. Not that they shouldn’t make those threats, people be nasty, but still, I got this scary mental image...

Step 7: Learn about the system without a visual. Yep, we got trained for a computer system (which the LAST system the Girl Scouts did was a complete and TOTAL disaster so I can’t wait to log into this one) through a handout, with no visual, nothing. Ok, I know now everyone is a teacher, but still, if every Girl Scout patch is starting to trend more toward school work like activities and less like fun, then you have to know what differentiation is. Just in case, here is another definition: 

The adaptation of classroom learning to suit each student's individual needs, strengths, preferences, and pace by either splitting the class into small groups, giving individual learning activities, or otherwise modifying the material.

We’re learning all sorts of educational vocab here today, aren’t we?

Step 8: Tolerate stupid questions because even though it is 2013 there are people who still do not understand the concept of email but far worse are the “clarifiers.” Ok, here is my mantra in life. I play by the rules to an EXTENT but I also do things my way a lot because my way tends to be a lot easier and have far fewer steps. Like this blog, see, everything is a nice round ten steps, one of which is always reward yourself for tolerating the bullshit for the previous nine steps. Remember that computer or whatever you brought, once the hands go up just look down at your screen and get back to blogging or writing. Everyone else is playing with their phones anyway. 

Step 9: Don’t be a bitch. Tell them about Survey Monkey. There will be one stupid question from the one person who cannot organize what each girl bought, which, before computers could easily be done on a legal pad. Wave your hands as the nice lady running the training confused the poor other lady who asked the question that you understood because you are a teacher but the nice trainer lady did not and by the look on the questioners face is totally confusing her.  Explain to the group that is free and easy and does what she needs. Hear the room go oooh and aaah. Sit back and keep playing on your computer. 

My work here is done.  

Step 10: I have to drive home because I live in BFE. No wine for me and sadly one cannot get Spanish Ice cream, which trust me, was not that great. I vote Chick-fil-a if you have it! That shit’s good, it got me through two pregnancies, so I think it can get me through cookies. 

Dionysus willing. 

Oh and please buy :)


  1. When I was in Girl Scouts, our cookie mother skipped town with about $600 of our cookie money. I guess that's why they now feel the need for credit reports!

  2. Wait @Heather, mine did too! Wow, was that the thing to do back in the day?! How terrible. The worst part was we had to end girl scouts cause the leader was gone.