How to Eat Your Words

How to Eat Your Words

Subtitle: I tried to get the kids to watch MY era cartoons.

And my friend wanted me to mock them.

Damn you Jeff 

A critical review of the pilot of Thundercats...

I love you Lion-o

Ok, so I started to do steps with my notes but it got confusing so yeah, stream of conscious is what you get...

Observation 1: From the get go I had to note that these Thundercats of Thundera were naked. Completely naked. Well, ok, except for boots and belts. I mean, I'm trying to determine exactly what type of fashion statement that we're trying to make with just boots and belts. But wait?? Head dude Jaga has clothes....

And the chicks have no nipples...

Not that we needed to see that in a kid's show, but cubs gotta eat. Or kittens?? What IS the appropriate term here? 

Observation 2: Ok, so it seems that the different cats = different races. Should I be offended that the cat CLEARLY representing the black dude is Panthro, which is a black cat normally, and he is a "bald" cat. Probably. But he's kinda hot. Like Morris Chesnut hot......

Stop cheating on Shanks, now, stop. 
I LOVE YOU MR. CANADIAN HOT PANTS 

Who dat?? HAHAHAHAHA!

Observation 3: Oh, hey, that Jaga dude is now addressing the clothing. Wow, we are only like a few minutes in and you have addressed my first question. Damn, I'm impressed, some shows NEVER address anything ever (like, uh, Fringe, why in the HELL some random Swiss scientist would just believe Walter and Michael UNLESS that scientist was a thawed Belly but NO you couldn't just give us a 30 second scene to explain that huh??) Oh, ok, the reason, right, not my ranting. It's protective, but that still doesn't explain the boots or the belts, ESPECIALLY the belts! 

Observation 4: The little cats are nobles. Huh, never knew that. That explains why in the hell they're on the lead ship. It's like Battlestar Galactica. With cats. 

Observation 5: I now have a new reason asserting my belief that I need to resurrect Dante so he can create a separate layer of hell just for George Lucas. I can honestly say that every line Anakin Skywalker had in "The Phantom Menace" was said by Lion-o first in THIS episode. WORD FOR WORD. I would include specific examples but I'm just too lazy. 

Observation 6: Mutants!! Wait, THOSE are mutants. And they are not led by a bald man in a wheel chair (did anyone else notice that I have mentioned bald men MORE than Michael Shanks in this post, well now I haven't but still, kinda weird. Been that kind of week). But for real, no one throwing playing cards or having metal claws shooting out of their hands, what kind of mutants are they? OHHHH...they are COPIES, Mum-ra's copies. That makes sense. 

Observation 7: Ok, I know that we are only at number seven but I have to honestly say that this cartoon makes actual sense, MUCH better than most Sci-Fi shows and it's got me super paranoid about Surprise Package (not sure what that is? CLICK HERE) but each and every thing that I started to make fun of is explained:

1. Why are there not two by two of the animals like Noah's ark if your planet blew up? Just you guys on a ship. Oh wait there's a caravan. And they got blew up. And you explained WHY the main ship didn't get blown up, and how they boarded the ship. 

2. How did Lion-o age and the other's didn't. They DID, he was just like 11 or 12.  IF they aged about 6 years he WOULD look like that but the other adults would not be THAT different. Bravo. 

3. How the Thundercats woke up! Lion-o activated them when the Mutants could not get them out of the pod. Eye of Thundera. 

Need I say more?? Honestly, I was shocked. Seriously, this was hands down an awesome. Well done, explained and had moral lessons. Want to get your kids off the Disney Channel? Show them THIS. Serious quality. 

And get yourself a glass of wine. You won't need it, but wine always enhances the experience. 

Thundercats Pilot Exodus

How to Create Shenanigans

How to Create Shenanigans

Subtitle: I was using this word WAY before Mr. Canadian Hot Pants said it last week which makes him all the more creepy.

Subsubtitle: Ok, so this is kinda of a movie review, but I think straight reviews are boring. 

Step 1: Check Twitter. Go home from a nice dinner, get comfy, put on your PJ's, decide to absorb yourself into something stupid on Netflix and see on Twitter that people are going to see 'Mama' which is supposedly SO scary that people are LEAVING the theatre. 

Oh my Athena!

It's been way too long since you saw GOOD horror, not canned crap for stupid people. People are leaving?? 

Excellent! 

Step 2: Gather your crew. Always start with Hot Roommate (or YOUR other, not mine) because he's fun.  After all, if you didn't marry somebody fun you made a huge mistake. However it is only an offer because once you start explaining the film Hot Roommate will ask you to no longer explain, that he's not going. Call your close friend (Pseudo Brother) that watches the same kinda scary mess as you. The conversation will go like this:

Me: Hey, wanna go see Mama?

PB: When?

Me: At ten. 

PB: It's nine fifteen. How are you gonna get here? You live in the boonies.

Me: Whatever. Be at your place in 20 minutes. Get dressed. 

PB: I'm not responsible for any tickets. 

Hey hey, I got my first speeding ticket only a few weeks ago. I've learned my lesson, I'm much more careful now. 

I realized that cop cars are smaller than you think and you need to slow down near signs. 

P.S. Kidnap your sister. She's even more fun now that she's almost a college student. 

Step 3: ...

"How do I get to your place?"

"How long have you guys been friends and you can't get to his place?"

"He moves a lot." 

"I do NOT. Like twice in twelve years. She just has no memory." 

"Sister you're a bad friend." 

"Just tell me how to get there." 

"Where are you?"

"Passing the elementary school."

"That's the OTHER WAY."

"What!?! I'm lost."

"No you're not, you're just hopeless. Keep straight to the next light." 

"Uh, we're gonna be late."

"This is why I never drive." 

"I hate being late to a movie."

"So do I." 

"Does anyone care that I am lost?" 

"You are not lost. Just, never mind. Right at the light." 

See ^... shenanigans

Step 4: Notice the details. Here are some of the more exciting details I noticed in the first fifteen minutes of 'Mama'

a. It stars Jamie Lannister (a.k.a. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) - YUMMY  (Seriously HBO have you not recognized that Michael Shanks would also be a HAWT choice for your programming. I can't abide this sensitive shit you Canadian programmers keep putting him in.)

b. It takes places in RICHMOND & VIRGINIA!!! #RVA REPRESENT!!! 

c. DEL TORO. As a Spanish teacher and fan of Pan's Labyrinth words cannot express how excited I was too see that name. 

d. Oh wait...there are a lot of names of Spanish language origin...*peeks at compadres*...maybe I should warn them....

Step 5: Holy shit that monster is scary! Wait, we are less than 20 minutes in and there it is!! And it breaks necks none of this stupid gore for the sake of that really makes no damn sense shit....AWESOME. 

But I have to ask...cherries? Is there some symbolism?? *takes out phone, sees usher with flashlight, hides phones*

(Looked it up later, symbol of good deeds which considering how this story played out is FANTASTIC irony. Well done Del Toro, well done). 

Step 6: Wait, what!?!? Did Jamie Lannister (I have stopped calling him Lucas, his character's name b/c I cannot focus on anything other than the new season of Game of Thrones) just DIE right now?? This is NOT a Michael Shanks movie people, the main character does not just die. 

Ok, he lived. 

Wait, how the fuck did he live?

Seriously, I would like a fake doctor with a fake chart to explain this to me. 

Now. 

And feed Jessica Chastain a cheeseburger. 

She looks like Evil Lynn. 

This is Evil Lynn. Note the cheekbones make her look skeletal because she works for Skeletor.

If we are trying to emulate He-Man characters she SHOULD look like this:

This is Teela. Note that while she is thin and sexy that she does not have a sunken in starved face.

Step 7: I can't concentrate. Every single time they say "Richmond" I'm squeeing like an idiot. I just cannot get over the use of Richmond, VA in TV and movies lately, it's just so exciting that I'm actually screaming at this ghost thing jumping out at me (I DON'T get scared by stuff like this, all of this Richmond is distracting me) and my sister is practically in my lap and my amigo to my right yelling out "Oh dear god." 

To be honest, I'm WWAAAYYY more creeped out by the younger sister. 

THAT is gonna give me nightmares...

By the way, that's not chocolate on her face. It's MOTH. Ass-nasty. 

Step 8: I forgot to warn you, didn't I? Remember the whole Spanish name thing...yeah...now that Jamie Lannister is awake, not ONE damn thing broken WTH, Evil Lynn is STILL with the kids and he's having a awake dream that he cannot distinguish from reality from his twin brother who is contorting unnaturally under a bridge that my friend beside me swears he has driven under and is summarily creeped out. This my friends is Magic Realism. If you are not familiar with it, please visit HERE: What is Magic Realism? Basic synopsis = Magic Realism blurs the lines between reality and fantasy in a story only to come to the conclusion that no lines really exist at all.

Sorry, AP/IB teacher nerd moment.
I want Daniel Jackson as my person slave.
There, back to normal.

Step 9: I need to have my blog How to Survive a Horror Movie sent to all major movie studios. The awesomeness of the magic realism touches in this film or not (I mean this is getting pretty mixed with the realities and while some people are still screaming in the theatre others are no longer amused...) you need to recognize that breaking the rules I have mentioned above will get you killed. Period.

Oh and telling someone "I love you" is the kiss of death.
Like having sex.
That's what I meant when I shouted that out in the theatre you perverts.

Step 10: I need gas but the station is closed so I can't get wine too. Probably best, they only sell Moscato anyway. Time to head back to the boonies.

I've probably got some Spanish in the cabinet.
But hand to Dionysus if I moth comes out of that drawer I'm gonna shit myself. 

How to Be Yourself

How to Be Yourself

Subtitle: Never be surprised when wisdom comes not from some sage person who wrote a bestseller but comes from your piercer. 

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. 

Step 1: Know who you are. Like REALLY know and not just go with what’s trendy. Going back to a conversation I had with a good friend a while ago, just know who you are and what makes you tick. Case in point: Nerd is now cool. This bothers me to NO end! I have been an incredible dork my entire life: I can recite (Yeah like word for word it’s creepy) all three original Star Wars films and translate the languages, my first tattoo was from the Neverending Story when I was 18, I get and always have gotten excited over Algebra, I did theatre in school, etc. 

I was a DORK. A NERD. A GEEK. And it was NOT cool. 

Granted, I had the punky pink haired weirdness that made me some cute oddity in high school and college so I had a great high school and college experience but that’s moot. 

It is NOT cool to magically be into RPG’s because it’s trendy. 

It is NOT cool that you’re buying Voltron underpants at Hot Topic when you picked on my collection I had when I was 8. 

It is NOT cool to start wearing shirts about how hard a geek’s life is when you have been one for about five hot minutes. 

And it’s OK to NOT be the latest trend. Just know who YOU are and go with it! 

Step 2: Accept who you are. Now, this is the hardest thing I think for anyone, but once you know who you are, just roll with it. There’s nothing wrong with you!! Don’t like the latest TV trend? You’re probably saving money on cable. Don’t like the new hit song? You’re probably not having to suffer those horrible morning DJs (Does anyone listen to that crap?? I mean it’s god awful and they do the same damn pranks every week. Originality anyone?). Don’t like the latest bestseller? You’re probably not wasting any money on weird bondage crap your husband will never use. And all of that is OK. 

Step 3: Say what you say. Now, there is a difference between correction communication Last week's blog :) and worrying about offending anyone. Always try to be kind but to be honest you are always gonna offend someone sometime (PENIS!) and you can’t drive yourself insane trying to decide whether or not comment A is gonna offend friend B even though it really isn’t offensive because it’s a joke but everything (POOP!) offends them and you’re worried that they’ll jam up the copier in front of you because they do that (WEED!) to people who offend them or start rumors about you. 

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!?

There is a difference between being considerate and being a doormat. 

Don’t be a doormat. 

Just don’t be an asshat either. 

Penis (Daniel’s :p ) 

Did I offend you??

Step 4: Do what you do. Ok, first, see Step 3 above. Those rules pretty much apply but in your actions you’ve got to follow through and be yourself. Don’t just talk the talk, but walk the walk. Take my insanity for example.  I like body art, a lot. A whole lot. Like I was HEARTBROKEN that Michael Shanks doesn’t have a tattoo because to me that would only make him that much hotter. (Athena, could you imagine that body with INK!!! MELT!! - Focus Bri focus, BLOG). So, I stopped worrying about what others thought (except for my job - I made sure it was cool with them - I need to eat ya know) and just did it. 15 piercings and 7 tattoos later, I’m still not done. (Granted I had 6 of those piercings and 3 of those tattoos before I got myself back...)

Don’t like it?

I don’t really care. 

Hot Roommate likes them and he’s about all who I’m trying to please. 

Step 5: Take chances. Put yourself out there. Honestly, you never know what will happen. I told my current employer a few years ago that I wanted a job that didn’t exist. Guess what? It does now. I wanted to finish my favorite TV series in a way that wasn’t some stupid shut up the fans canned makes no sense at all romance. So I wrote it. People seem to really like it too. My son’s class needed a room mother and my daughter’s scout troop needed a leader. I said I would do it, knowing full well that I’m NOT the typical mom and freak some other moms out with my body art. Guess what? Both are going well. 

Just do it. 

Oops, did I steal a Nike slogan? 

My bad, considering free advertising. You make good shoes. 

Step 6: Have faith in yourself. I’m not gonna shit ya, it’s hard to be yourself. People want everyone to be the same, be what they want them to be and when they aren’t they will do their best to make you want to crawl into a hole and die. Now, there is a sick part of me that wants to tell you to purchase some pig’s blood and go all Carrie on them (google this if you do not know the reference, it makes me seem less insane) but then again that might be my current obsession with horror films. Just smile, sit back and realize that they are just too damn scared to be themselves and jealous that you aren’t. 

This is where my piercer comes in. When I went to get my lip ring switched out my kids got to meet my piercer Jason. My son has a red mohawk and a skull and crossbones earring. My daughter has a short TinkerBell pixie hair cut with pink hair. When I introduced them to him the first thing he did was get down into the floor and look them both in the eyes and said this: 

“You guys are great. You keep being yourselves, no matter what that is. Be true to yourself and you’ll never go wrong. Give me a high five.” 

Not a lot makes me tear up. 

THAT did. 

Step 7: Don’t judge others for doing what you are doing. You don’t like Nascar (I’m using this as an example because I cannot for the life of me get the idea of cars driving around in circles to be entertaining, but to each his own) then fine, don’t hate on someone because they do. No nasty remarks, no “sarcastic” or “snarky” comments, just accept it if you want to be their friend. Playful teasing, fine, I do that often with some really good buddies of mine, but it ends there. I don’t begrudge my friends for their insanity any more than they begrudge me for mine. Gotta give to receive. 

Step 8: Erase negativity. And I don’t just mean social media, although we do need to take a break there. Look, I don’t have time for that complicated process that is unfriending and I barely have time to unfollow. So here’s the deal. If your entire FaceBook or Twitter or Tumblr or WHATEVER is just “Woe is me, my life sucks, my ex sucks, my baby daddy owe me some diapers, bitch, piss, moan, how in the hell did you make it to adulthood anyway....” UNFRIEND ME. You are toxic, like waste, and I need you gone. Make sure, however, to extend this to your Real Life as well. If there is a friend that EVERY time you hang out they make you feel like crap or like you want to initiate the zombie apocalypse, then STOP talking to them. Just stop. More toxic waste. And trust me, I watch enough horror movies to know that toxic waste is NOT a good thing. 

Step 9: Be there for others. You’re not an island (this is different from wanting to LIVE on one - I want an island for me, Daniel and Belgian chocolate but I digress). We need other people, people to bitch to AND people to bitch to you. Yea, that means you gotta listen and give advice and shit. Or at least listen. For the advice I’ve got like 80 or so damn entries here, so just forward my blog address.

Step 10: Wine. Note that I just said wine. Yeah, so of course I could recommend a dry Spanish red or perhaps a crisp Australian Riesling (I know, not German but them Aussies can WORK a grape!) but this blog is about being yourself. Drink whatever you like, even Gas Station wine (Moscato) if that’s your fancy. 

Just let me know when you pop open that bottle. 

I’ll join you. 

How to be a Feminist

How to be a Feminist

Subtitle: There’s this clever little invention. It’s called deodorant. And, if you will recall, I have coupons. 

(On the other hand with 73 days left, you might just want to wash a little better. Save your money for that Ramen we've discussed)

Step 1: Know what you stand for.  Why are you a feminist? Do you believe that woman deserve equal rights, treatment and pay in a modern society? Hun, that doesn’t make you a feminist, that makes you human. It’s the people that believe otherwise that are not.  

Step 2: Wash. Ok, I’m not trying to be a jerk here, I’m not (and we ALL know when I just come out with straight up bitch - this is not one of those times) but I’m seriously trying to figure out what part of standing up for women’s rights means you can’t take care of basic personal hygiene. I’m not intending to be offensive; I really want to know why you are explaining to me about woman being used as slave labor in Colombia due to our coffee consumption and it’s direct correlation with your smelling like a locker room. Feel free to comment below. 

Step 3: Uh, last I checked, cooking wasn’t a sin. Let’s lay this out for you. I am very pro-women’s rights. Hot Roommate stayed home with the kids while I pursued my career and got my Master’s. Hot Roommate will be keeping my kids while I get my PhD. However, this does not mean that I can’t cook a MEAN empanada or bake an amazing cheesecake.  I can. And this does not make me some blue dress wearing house wife. I like to cook. It’s fun.  And if you think otherwise, I’m not sharing. 

Step 4: Ok, I should clarify, shave AND wash. Believe it or not, women didn’t start shaving in order to please men, they started shaving to cut down on lice.  Yes, lice. (I’m a history teacher too, remember, I’m full of delicious little tidbits of information). And as a result of said change in hygienic habits, women discovered that shaving actually led to less sweating and smelling better overall. Not for men. For you. Do you really think that onion smell coming from your pits is pleasant?? Cuz I know if I can smell you, you most definitely can...

Step 5: Stop worrying about other people. I have met feminists that are so concerned about not looking like they need a man for one hot minute that they go out of their way to be different, stand out by dressing in the typical feminist fashion, make sure that every dinner conversation turns to the suppression of women over the centuries, and walk around trying to make sure people never see you smile. What the hell?? Wasn’t NOT worrying about others the point of this movement.  So what if someone wants to wear tight clothes, she had that right. So what if she wants to get a boob job, she had that right. Just do YOUR thing and I will do mine! Oh and I wear tight jeans. Very tight jeans. Because I like to look at my butt in them. I don’t care what the men think either. Except for Michael Shanks. I would care very much what he thought, but not in a man approving of a woman kind of way, but in a I want to use you as my personal sex slave and have you pour me wine but first I have to trap you kind of way...

Step 6: He has a penis, that does make him useful. Well, for that of course, good lord for that, but more so for heavy lifting. Look, biologically, men have more upper body strength. Don’t believe me, let’s consult science http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8477683. It says that biologically they are MADE to be stronger. Yes, you can lift weights and work-out, and I do, like a fiend, much to Hot Roommate’s annoyance at times, but if he is going to be stronger anyway, use him!! Yes, USE!! Men LIKE to be used. Let him open that jar for you, carry the bookcase up three flights of stairs, change that tire. Because there is no way you wanted to actually do that shit, is there? Admit it..... You would rather be blogging about how morally superior you are....

Step 7: Clean, shave, wash, wear deodorant...why am I having to be this specific??? I am all the way on step 7 and am still trying to figure out how not taking care of one’s self proves that women are better than men. What about you? I mean, I like smelling nice, it’s like aroma therapy right? Feel the mint...embrace the mint....

Step 8: Things that are not an attack on your independence. 

1. Door openings. It’s just polite. In fact, in the south we can spot a Yankee a MILE away because they are the ass that let the door slam in your face. 
2. Anything with the word “man” in it. We lived in a male dominated society for a long time and people just named things willy-nilly. They did NOT name them just to piss you off and we do not need to RENAME them to make you feel better, we are correcting the problem with NEW things now! Remember when you made fun of Republicans over “Freedom Fries”?? You are doing the SAME DAMN THING!!
3. Strip clubs. Because you seem to have a major problem with woman taking off their clothes for money (and I know strippers, some of them LIKE their job) but you have no problem dashing off to a live show of Magic Mike because they someone deserve to be objectified. Either there are NO strip clubs, or you deal with both, life does not go both ways. 
4. When your date pays for dinner. Especially when that date is male. Go back to A. It’s just nice and polite.  Sometimes I even try to buy dinner for others. If someone tries to buy you dinner, a drink (not sending you a drink in a strange bar, but while you are their together) or even a popcorn at the movie do not automatically assume they want to sleep with you. They might just be being nice.  Except for you Mr. Canadian Hot Pants. I AM trying so you just keep that in mind...

Step 9: How to avoid a relapse: A mini how to....

1. Get up and shower every morning. It makes you smell good, brightens your day and makes you a happier person. (Which might be the source of all of this nonsense in the first place)
2. Remember that nice does not mean condescending. Smile when people do pleasant things and by all means pay it forward. 
3. Be who you are, even if that chic carries a coach handbag, wears high heels and have facial tattoos.  
4. Stop reading blogs, forums, watching The View (they DO NOT represent REAL women) or doing another activity that makes you want to go and picket about something stupid when we have children starving. Wait, which bring me to step 9A. 

Step 9A: CHILDREN ARE NOT EVIL.  You, dumbass, were a child once, so stop looking at them like they should no longer exist. You don’t want to have kids, fine, but don’t look at me like there is something wrong with me because I did OR condemn the woman who choose to stay home with them. Remember the part about it being a woman’s CHOICE. My mom CHOSE to stay home with us. She is also a black belt and can whup your ass. Case closed. 

Step 10: Have a beer. Yes, a beer, all grainy and hoppy and manly and NOT organic sage infused red juice of the fuckin’ goddness. Drink a god damn cheap beer, because believe it or not, you’re no better than the rest of us...

As a REAL feminist, who believes a woman can do just as well as a man and look damn hot doing it, I approve this message. 

How to Celebrity Stalk Proper

Subtitle: Lessons learned from Twitter. Greatest. Internet. Platform. Ever

78 days remain. Ya might wanna get your stalk on... 
Just a suggestion...

Step 1: Do select a proper target. Now, granted, I chose well (I mean besides the Grecian God part that proves how well I chose) and I’m not under the insane impression that I will ever run into someone as hugely famous as, let’s say, Morgan Freeman, who I think is personal friends with God. Pick a celeb based on their work, their real talents and someone worthy of your time. Or just watch Stargate and become obsessed at 30. That worked for me...

Step 2: Don’t Learn EVERYTHING about them. Now, there is a stark difference between going on IMDB and wikipedia, learning when their birthday is, cool things about their upbringing, likes and dislikes and looking up their public records. Yeah, you know who you are, I’m looking at you. Because while painting one’s fingernails blue before going to a Stargate Con because blue is Michael Shanks favorite color is 100% acceptable, knowing about a celebs financials (foreclosures), getting the home addy and agent’s email address is just creepy.  CREEPY. CREE-PEEE.

Step 3: Do stalk their twitter, website, etc. and find out where they are because these little lovelies do not use social media to talk to their friends, they use it to self-promote. I will let you digest that lest you thought otherwise. So....read their cute little snippets about work because they tell you what they are working on which can also tell you where they are. Please do not confuse this for step 2, step 2 you are searching for creepy things, step 3 THEY are giving you this information. And sometimes they are obvious. Like “I am going to Chicago Con.” Boo-yah. 

Step 4: Do create an accidental meet-up, but I couldn’t, could I?? because you are so damn elusive like a frakkin’ cat (Lion-o, hee hee) and the only thing I COULD run into you doing I don’t because I’m a runner and I’m highly allergic and that would be so attractive going into a coughing fit and convulsing on the sidewalk.......wait....then you’d have to save me.....perform CPR....... (dashes from hotel room)

Step 5: Don’t hide in the bushes. I said accidental. The bushes are NOT accidental. Nor are they believable. Not only is there no profession in which one hangs out amongst bordering foliage, but incase you missed the box of crayons that are skin tone, not a one of them is green.  So don’t do that, you just look creepy and become twitter fodder. And you make my blog. In not a good way either.  (See Step 2 again) 

Step 6: Do follow their tour bus, innocently after the concert to see if they will happen to stop at a place for normal folks, like, well, the Waffle House (I mean really, no matter how famous you are, who in the hell does NOT love the Waffle House!?!) and just sit on down and enjoy some covered and smothereds with them. Cuz for some reason they don’t seem to mind. 

Step 7: Don’t quit you good paying job to go to one event, ONE event, that lasts only a few days on the off chance that your celebrity crush might be there, and you might be able to see them for a few seconds, only to go, have them not show up and realize as you are eating your Zombie apocalypse ramen noodles and living by candlelight you really didn’t have the nerve to speak to them anyway would you have run into them.  Ya can’t eat and you didn’t even get a hug? You my dear win a Darwin. 

Step 8: Do blog about them on the off chance that they are reading this but doing that elusive Lion-o shit and will act like they never read it while they are secretly laughing their asses off. *hopes* *prays to Athena* *does dance while sacrificing a virgin* (kidding in the last one guys, kidding) 

Step 9: Don’t get drunk. On blood wine. And challenge a beloved celeb to a wrestling match to back up the shirt that he is wearing. Mostly because he is too nice to have you arrested, but you will scar him, so much so that when he later sees some perfectly friendly Klingons hanging out on the hot tub discussing universe domination in their native language, you will frighten him and he will stop doing conventions so normal Vala-like people like me will be unable to jump him. (Just kidding - but seriously dude, let’s have a few, shall we?) 

Step 10: Do buy them a drink. Seriously, are you reading this Shanks!! I know you read the letter, now bring your ass back to Chicago because I AT LEAST owe you a drink. No kidnapping, no Vala-ing (much), I PROMISE.  And I’ll make sure it is Spanish. Because anything else is just not worthy. Of you OR me ;P 

How to throw a Bachelorette Party

How to throw a Bachelorette Party

Subtitle: She does have to make it to the wedding. Physically and Morally. Try to keep it classy. 

Step 1: Know your bride.  There is a good amount of background information you will need on the woman of the hour and her hubby to be so that everyone will have a good time and no one will end up in jail or with a FaceBook status as single on Monday.  (Because we all know that posting your status on FaceBook is the first freaking thing people do the second they split, ugh). Make sure to plan based on this knowledge.  If you do not know the bride well enough to make wise decisions then you shouldn’t be throwing the party.  

Step 2: Book a hotel room.  First, you don’t wanna clean up very much, especially if anyone gets sick.  Second, your significant other is not there.  If you want some crazy shenanigans going down, it is best that your own better half is not involved.  Not that I wanted to do some crazy things or anything, but Hot Roommate would have sat there and laughed at me and told embarrassing stories on me (like the damn Bride did anyway; there is officially NO ONE in the Ashland area that does NOT know I am in love with Michael Shanks- thanks Caitlynn). Third, everyone can crash there. Which is not funny, it’s just safe.

Step 3: Keep the bride away until you are ready. I suggest booking her a massage.  That way, no matter how bad her week has been leading up to said party, she arrives all relaxed and ready to go.  But get a long massage, a good long massage.  Because streamers are a B*$CH to hang up in a hotel room with no ladder (so it takes FOREVER) and CLOSE the blinds lest creepy old men peep in the front windows as you hang up streamers wearing yoga pants.  Yuck. It happened.  I feel violated. 

Step 4:  Have an opening activity. Chances are that none of these people know each other, so have a cute little opener that involves the bride.  We did wine goblets with little adjective stickers that the bride chose a few days before without knowing why.  Then I got to hand out the cups and let everyone know what she thought of them. Awkward.  Especially when she gave the preacher “naughty”.  Yes. We had a preacher there.  She was cool.   

Step 5: Book a party within a party.  By this, I mean something like 31, Scentsy, Mary Kay, Party Lite or other things.  This will take care of two things. One, it takes up some time as the evening gets later and the city gets wilder.  Two, no gifts to worry about for the bride, because the bride goes in last and finds out how much free stuff she gets (not just hostess credit but also money everyone kicked in while they placed their order).  Just watch how much wine you serve at the party because the bride will have fun. And tell tales on you.  And a few glasses of wine in, you are a crappy liar.  

Step 6: Wine tasting.  Forget strippers, that costs a lot and are not as hot as Joe Manganiello in Magic Mike (or Michael Shanks.....make me MELT). A wine tasting is classy, fun and tasty.  Rent a small local shop (I recommend the Caboose in Ashland) and have the owner pick out some wines that NEVER would EVER be sold at the grocery store OR the gas station.  So no Moscato.  And try not to drink too much before you go because the guy probably has interesting things to say.  And you are paying him to say them. 

Step 7: Desserts. Sure, you can bring food and you probably will want food at your *cough* candle partly, but we woman only really want two things in life: Chocolate and Cheesecake.  Take note gentlemen, these two things can make for a better marriage.  Chocolate and Cheesecake.  What better way to enjoy all of the wine you bought at the shop after your tasting than to nibble some New York style cheesecake and chocolate mousse. And no, I don’t care about the calories right now.  Throwing parties for your friends burns calories. And I can run extra tomorrow. 

Step 8: Games. No, I am not 12. Yes, games are fun, and I am not talking about beer pong either, that’s for frat boys. I’m talking about Apples to Apples (which I went out and bought myself so you people can get me something else for my birthday - how about a kiss from “You Know Who....”). Because nothing is more hysterical than a group of giddy woman, wine, cheesecake and Apples to Apples. You have no idea what will come out of their mouths, no matter how twisted or offensive.  Oh, and these ladies never forget.  Let’s just say it quickly turned into “Let’s harass Bri about being a fan girl” festival.  Sigh.   Oh! And throwing the “In a Coma” card proves you are watching it too!!! So there!!

Step 9:  Get these b$*ches out of here or to bed. Really, if you are sober you need to help me clean up or leave and get the drunks to bed.  Yes, I am serious and it is 2 a.m. and I have been up since 6 because I ran a race this morning.  I know, I know, bad planning, just be careful with those streamers, don’t rip the paint off the walls. The bride? The bride is relaxing and reading, leave her be.  She deserves this.  

Step 10: Wine? Are you kidding me?? I have had so much wine tonight that I will be running at least 1000 extra miles this week and I am not sure if my blood is blood anymore.  Oh, but there is that box out there on the table, of tasting leftovers.....  I just gotta run to my car for a sec.... I’ll be right back..... 

*** On a side note, Happy 9th Anniversary to Hot Roommate: I couldn't do any of this without out ***

How to Have a Memorable 4th of July

How to Enjoy your 4th of July

Subtitle: We’re gonna get arrested...

Step 1: Prep Work. My husband has perfected his 4th of July fireworks collection system in that he has incorporated it into our family vacation drive home. Every year.  And each and every year he takes it a bit more over the top.  This year his destination: South of the Border. Oh my Athena.... This is what this place looks like. 

And the rush of testosterone is so great that I had to leave for fear over being overtaken like a yuppie female tourist lost in West Virginia (Deliverance anyone?). I was scared.  I left. And bought a taco. 

Step 2: Go to a local parade. Local parades are the best because not only do they throw candy, which remember about 1/3 of your kids are not old enough to eat yet and you get to sit and enjoy. (Wait, you haven’t tried that trick yet? What is wrong with you???) BUT they are also just plain funny.  Our local parade has more antique John Deere tractors in it than people, at a ratio of approximately 3:1 (Who is driving these mystery tractors you may ask? They string them in rows like Christmas tree popcorn) and it is full of animals.  However, the BEST part of all is the clueless people who drive out to the country to see these things.  My sister, each year, walks her animals in the parade. (Told you were were rednecks). And each year, she has to answer a stupid question, because apparently people don’t know what animals look like anymore.  This year she walked this: 

About five people asked her what kind of animal it was. I told her she should have said ‘It’s a Cheetah.’ 

Step 3: Lunch at Granny’s with stories. If you are fortunate like me to still have your grandparents alive even though you are in your early 30’s, this MUST be part of your ritual.  Because, 4th of July lunch when your grandparents are in their 80’s and your aunts and uncles don’t care because their kids are grown any more, you can learn all sorts of interesting things about your family, and your parents.  Like how your mom had mastered the fine art of sneaking out of the house and hung out with the pot heads in high school after making herself sound like Laura Ingalls to you everytime you did something stupid as a teen.  In fact, the entire insanity went down like this: 

Someone put on some hippie rock fest documentary on the TV UNRATED and UNCENSORED which lead to my 85 year old grandfather laughing at the swearing and how high Jim Morrison was which someone lead to a room discussion on the film Apocalypse Now (which I would like to mention is my love Michael Shanks favorite film  ;-) ) and how it affected the music of the time period which lead to yet again another discussion of pot which led to stories about how my mom got her fake teeth.  She knocked them out. At the State Fair. Impressing a boy.  When she was 17. After sneaking out.  My Granny was ALL OVER giving me this dirt.  If this is the 4th, I can’t WAIT until Thanksgiving!!

Step 4: Booze in a bag.  Now, what 4th of July is complete without some alcoholic beverages.  This year’s du jour: Booze in a bag.  It is exactly what it says, a malt based daiquiri that you freeze that comes in a bag. Ok, let’s forget for a few minutes that I dissed all such beverages only a few months ago.  This stuff is good and it’s only two bucks a pop. And if you buy six and smile cutely at the cashier, he will key in the wine discount even though this stuff clearly never saw a grape.   

Step 5: Food. Now, it’s July 4th, so as good GOD FEARIN’ AMUHRICANS we are supposed to eat hamburgers and hot dogs.  But me...dude, I just got back from DisneyWorld at 2 freakin’ a.m. and had to get up and deal with this insanity.  Burgers and Dogs it is... we can discuss grilling gourmet later. 

Step 6: Waiting....waiting.... till dark. This is just that much better with kids.  Is it dark enough yet? (Sun is still up at this point) No.  Ten minutes later, Is it dark enough yet? (Sun starting to set but sky is still pretty dark light) No. Five minutes later, Is it dark enough yet? (Sun is the exact same freakin position because it has only been five minutes) No.  Brianne, you really need to tell Jack to get the fireworks started (Now my mother is weighing in as it is still light out).  Where was I? Oh, sitting at my computer, writing all of this insanity down for your people. Oh, wait! Be right back.  It’s dark enough now!! 

Step 7: The Fireworks. Remember that trip to South of the Border.  Bad idea.  Let’s skip the written step and just share the link, shall we?? (Please don’t turn me in...) 

Please don't turn me in....

Step 8: Watch out for your neighbors. They will walk through the woods, in the dark, no flashlight, almost a mile no less, to ask you if you think it is a good idea to shoot off those fireworks. I don’t but Hot Roommate did.  However, Hot Roomate did have a point, since it sounded like a war was going on all around us, it was not only stupid for said neighbor to walk through the woods in the pitch black with no flashlight, but really?? Our little pops and cracks were what you were worried about. Come on dude, b$*ches next door are firing canons. Get your priorities straight. 

Step 9: Hide the evidence. Because the cops might come, remember the crazy neighbors, but be creative. The cops will look in the back of your truck, the shed, your trashcan, so you gotta get more inventive.  Try the grill! No one will ever think to look there.  I didn’t.  So, the next day when you go to clean out the grill and open the lid to discover all of the smoldering evidence chillin there like grilled chicken, don’t be surprised.  That was a good hiding spot.  

Step 10: Wine. Because there is ash in my hair.  I still think the cops are coming. Hot Roommate has hidden the fireworks in my grill.  My best friend (the guy BF, not the awesome amiga in Texas) has jetted out of here leaving me to my fate.  My kids think Hot Roommate is a superhero because he didn't blow himself up but made our backyard look like DisneyWorld. 

I’ll be in my bedroom.  With wine. And Stargate DVD’s.  Thanks...

How to have a Fantastic Disney Vacation

How to have a Fantastic Disney Vacation

Subtitle: Jack, stop referring to yourself as Clark Griswold. This is not Wally World. This is Disney World.  You're gonna jinx us. 

Step 1: Select your destination.  Now, last year, while I was able to scratch an item off of my bucket list, I was not as careful to pick a family appropriate destination.  See, I wanted to see Graceland because I love me some Elvis Presley.  Ergo, we planned the trip, got the tickets, convinced my best friend that driving from Texas to meet us was a wise idea, etc. Sounds well thought out, right? Not so fast.  Memphis is scary, like people hanging out outside of the jail (which is IN TOWN) scary. And we camped, on the Mississippi. During storm season. And my family and my tent almost ended up in said Mississippi. Point being, while I did get to see the home of the King and where Johnny Cash recorded, that was a bad choice for ages 5 & 6.  Pick Disney until you are child-free. (Although I have nothing against Memphis, they gave us those icons of music AND Ben Browder...yummy...wait! No mental cheating on Shanks!! Bad fan! Bad fan!)

Step 2:  Book with a family member.  My cousin is a travel agent.  Very convenient.  Not only does she NOT lie to us to get us to upgrade to stupid crap, but she will patiently sit and listen to me on the phone as I go on and on about stupid people, what I hate about hotels and my incessant whining about how hard it is to buy healthy food at a theme park (really Mrs. First Lady, you wanna attack obesity, let’s start here, have you SEEN these people!?!?). Then, she is kind and patient enough to listen to your best friend whine about similar things. And, she will find you deals and let you message her everyday leading up about stupid things like whether or not the room gets HBO so you can watch Sookie on Sunday.  Or, even though you’re not related, you could just use my cousin.  So...Heather...if that works, do I get a cut??

Step 3: Drive your own car and travel at night.  Ok, we’ve talked about this before, but I have to add to my earlier posts that the sheer entertainment value of driving all night (and no I did not sleep at all and drove 4-5 hours of the trip myself - woo hoo 5 hour energy and my water plan) on this one outweighs the “kids will sleep the entire time”ness of the experience. Here is a short list of the things I witnessed on our trip down there:

1. Billboards in North Carolina. OMA I could blog just about what these things said.  They let anyone on the planet get a billboard in North Carolina and I saw everything from “Vets for Pets: A Premiere Animal Hospital” (which boggled my mind, what else do vets service other than pets? Cars? Small combustion engines? Do they do mani/pedis?) to an breadcrumb trail of signs advertising a club, it’s hours, it’s specialty nights where the last breadcrumb simply had the name of the club and “FULL TOPLESS” in all caps around the rest of the sign. That’s just a conclusion you don’t expect.  
2. Rest stops.  Not only is EVERY rest stop the entire way to Disney also the site of a Civil War battle, which of course your geeky husband will take as an opportunity to keep on homeschooling and make the kids stand still while he reads the info sign and they roll their eyes, but these rest stops have the CRAZIEST vending machines.  One rest stop in NC had items in ziploc baggies, like a vending package deal, in the machine.  Here is my favorite ziplocked item. Yes, thems Beanee Weenies...
3. Your own personal party.  Since my entire family will, undoubtedly, sleep through the apocalypse in December (don’t laugh at me people.... “We are in our last days” to quote a wise woman I know - ok, laugh at that, that was meant to be funny) a long road trip is the perfect time to whup out that iPod and blast Salt n’ Pepa, because awake they still cannot appreciate that you know and can rap every last line of ‘Shoop.’ (Dude, I’m white, that’s impressive ok?). You can even kick it up a notch and have a little fantasy in your head where a certain...never mind, that gets old after a while doesn’t it? 

Step 4: Have a friend in Florida to visit while you are there that has an insanely large house, will let you stay in it, will feed you, let you drag her to hot yoga and does not go tearing out of the class once she realizes that these people have put you in the advanced class and dear Athena I am flexible but that’s just unnatural, then takes you home and feeds you again and gets her future husband to make homemade margaritas, which you drink happily while playing Apples to Apples and get made fun of for always having your mind in the gutter. Which I DON’T. Have one of those friends.  But you can’t have mine.  I’ll fight you for her.  Get your own friend.   

Step 5: Know the rules of the road.  And by this I mean tolls.  Tolls are a state’s way of making extra money off of tourists. And not with the toll money. I mean the tickets.  Because who in the world thought going all electronic and not taking cash anymore (Yes, no cash! Where are you tea-party folks when I need you? Since when is CASH not acceptable currency?! Get to work on this already!!) was a good idea???  So, know that not only does the state of Florida no longer believe in cash but that the SunPass that you must buy HAS TO be mounted no greater than 4.3196833568351 inches below the shading by your rearview mirror but no less than 2.013295625932 x 10ⁿ. Got that? If not, apparently, this technological marvel doesn’t work. And then it’s your problem. I have already started writing my strongly worded letter. 

Step 6: Stay in the cheap resort, because in reality, why in the heck are you paying to see Disney World to stay at the Hotel!?! If I want to stay at a hotel, I go to the Jefferson.  Your Disney resort room needs to let you sleep, poop and bathe and that is pretty much it.  The downside to this is that by staying at the “Dude this is really a roadside creepy by the hour motel with a Disney theme” is that you will miss out on something things.  First, no gym.  Gotta to the Polynesian.  Second, no HBO/Cinemax/Showtime.  Gotta go to the Polynesian. Third, your bus stop in the Disney transportation system will always be DEAD last, like stop 15 of 15. Wanna be a stop #1?? YOU GUESSED IT!! Stay at the Polynesian.  In fact, that became the running joke on this trip.  

Me to Concierge: Do ya’ll have babysitting? We were thinking of going out late, after the kids go to bed. 

Concierge: Not on this resort ma’am, I’m sorry.  Here is an outside service, but it is not Disney related. 

Me: Oh, I thought I read online that you guys had people.  

Concierge: No, ma’am, you must have been reading the description of the Polynesian.  

Ok, ok, not the real exchange, but pretty close.  So, if you want resort amenities, go to the Polynesian.  But really, the parks are like $100 a day to go. Save your money. You will need it for every frikkin thing else.  

Step 7: Attack the parks with a plan.  DO get maps online, figure out what you want to ride and see, try to visit parks on non-peak days, etc. DO NOT go to Animal Kingdom on a whim without a plan, get handed a FastPass at the door by a nice stranger that expires in 10 minutes, grab your best friend’s husband and make a mad dash across the park like 16 year olds while your spouses keep the kids and stand confused by what just happened. Because after you sprint about a half a mile, not even kidding here, you will get there and the ride will be closed. Oh, and that FastPass mess doesn’t work like you think it would either.  Best Friend’s Husband and I got a great idea to run around the Magic Kingdom and collect passes for everything we wanted to ride so we could schedule our day.  Apparently, you can only get one of these things at a time.  We discovered this AFTER we power walked another half a mile.  Two lessons in this: 1) Plan ahead better and 2) Bri &Thomas really have no idea what they are doing.  

Step 8: Buy your own food. Not in Disney.  There are grocery stores,etc. nearby.  I promise, even if you flew, it will be cheaper to take a cab to the grocery store than to eat there.  Our first meal we snacked, really didn’t even get real food, and it was over $50.  For snack food.  It would have been $80 if I hadn’t cut the kids off.  In addition, besides eating in the room as much as possible to save $$, you can take your food in the park.  This is important because Disney says their parks have healthy options.  They lie.  My steamed veggies at one stop were taking a nice hot butter bath and the only healthy thing I found in the parks was either a $2 apple OR you had to eat in Epcot.  Which is a nice side note.  Epcot, in an effort to preserve the cultural integrity of other countries, serves semi-authentic food. Which means it is not crap.  Because in Norway (GREAT FOOD) they don’t eat Cheetos and Ho-Ho’s. Eat there. 

Step 9: Don’t count on having the internet. I am assuming that since you are reading my blog that you like to use the internet and probably read other blogs.  Don't expect to have working internet, fast internet or, for that matter, open internet.  After getting to our room and not having internet (which almost caused me to have a melt-down - which was further exasperated by Jack making fun of me that I would have to go five days not knowing what Michael Shanks was doing, which really annoyed me because I just wanted to upload photos to the web for crying out loud!!) but Disney limits your content.  Got some funny emails from my other best friend while we were gone and went to open them.  Nope! Was straight up told by Disney that they included suggestive content and they would not open the page.  It was a True Blood PODCAST for crying out loud!! Maybe I should rename this step to: Disney will control your soul.  Yeah, that works better. On so many levels. 

Step 10: Have some wine.  And NOT from the Commissary (that is what they called the cafeteria in case you are unaware of such terminologies) because your only choices are Sutter Home mini-bottles at $7 a bottle and more Sutter Home mini-bottles at $8 a bottle (I didn’t bother to check the difference). Yuck to both. Go to the liquor store which is open till midnight, on a Sunday no less, and find yourself some good Spanish. Because after being trapped in large packs of sweaty people whose deodorant has worn off, getting rammed into by strollers and motorized carts, listening to your children whine and fight about what to ride next, and getting sun poisoning, your’e gonna need it.  And after that car ride home. That you took during the day. Because you thought the kids would want to see sights. And then they needed to pee every damn hour. We’re never going to make it home....

P.S. -My birthday is on September 28th. I would like Apples to Apples please. 

P.S.S. - We really did have an amazing time, but telling about the good things is not as funny. 

P.S.S.S. - I got my internet working and kept up with my little obsession for the entire five days thank you very much ;) 

How to Raise Kids

How to Raise your Kids

Subtitle: Because, as a teacher, I’m kinda sick of doing it for you. And as a parent, I feel the need to share this with others. 

Step 1:  To have to not to have? Ok, let’s preface this entire entry with the most important question of all, Should I have children?  Now, before you answer this question, let me throw out a few things for you.  First, they will destroy your body/wife’s body, in ways that only plastic surgery can correct.  Second, you will not sleep for 18+ years. Third, these boogers cost roughly the amount of four Lambourgini’s just to get them to age 16. Fourth, you will forever be saying “I need to see if I can get a sitter.”  Does this all still sound appealing to you??? You sure?? Don’t do this because Grandma Doris wants to see more little ones before she dies, that’s a bad choice.  

Step 2: Make sure you are stable.  By stable, I don’t mean money wise, because as I have mentioned above, they cost more than you can imagine.  You will NEVER be ready for them financially, so just give up that piece of TV talk show advice.  By stable I mean sane.  Don’t wanna waste time here with an explanation.  Here’s a quiz: http://www.allthetests.com/quiz02/dasquiztd.php3?testid=1029124661  See what that says.  (By the way, if you were like, uh, is she serious, a stupid internet quiz and skipped over it, congrats, you are sane.  Proceed breeding.  If not, come back in a few years)

Step 3: Getting pregnant.  Now, I shouldn't need a step to explain how this happens, but if you really need to know I recommend this book, given to Hot Roommate and I by Awesome MIL to share with the kids: http://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-I-Come-From/dp/0818402539/ref=pd_sim_b_4 .  I would like to add that I, personally, at 31 years old am NOT mature enough to read this myself, much less to my kids, but if you are an adult looking for how this all works, it might be helpful.  It’s very detailed.....down to the tickle....

Step 4:  It starts with the bump.  No, literally, it does.  In fact, while you are pregnant every single freaking thing you eat, drink, or listen to can apparently effect your child.  And, to make matters worse your doctor will give you the book What to Expect When You Are Expecting and everyone will tell you it is the Bible of being pregnant but the truth of the matter is that it will SCARE THE HELL out of you!! Don’t read it!! Just don’t smoke, drink or eat junk food for 9 months.  You’ll live, trust me.  

Step 5:  Parenting a baby.  This is the really fun part because magically every person in a thousand mile radius all of a sudden is an expert on babies.  They want to tell you how to feed them and when, how and where they should sleep, whether or not you should hold them when they cry.  Lemme help you out here, with, of course, a chart.  

Baby Problem	Solution	Reason
Baby cries	Feed it - and it does not matter if you go boob or not.  The FDA would not approve formula if it killed your child, ok?	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Change it - Do you like wallowing in your own poop? I didn’t think so.	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Cuddle it - I mean, they are cute for a reason right.	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Let it sleep with you - They make these lovely little in your bed beds so you don’t squish the bugger, so look, no worries	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Call your mother- she has got to have something up her sleeve - for God’s sake  you did survive to adulthood somehow!?!?!?	You want to sleep.

Step 6: Parenting the toddler.  Ok, once the little booger stands up, we can call it a toddler.  They are so cute and destructive at this age.  And bold. Very bold.  And smart. Very smart.  They are still little enough that these devious little bastards will use their cuteness as a weapon against you, especially in front of other people.  They will climb up on the ottoman, reach up to your sofa table and knock over an antique bust of Athena made of marble into the floor, look right at you like “So there b$*@ch, put fancy antiques in my reach again” and just when you go to yell, they look at your friends and start to cry like you are beating them daily.  Which you want to. But you can’t.  Instead, buy a chair.  A really really really uncomfortable chair.  Call it the “Naughty Place” like Super Nanny does because that’s just fun to say. Allow them to spend the next two years sitting right there.  

Step 7: Parenting the elementary age, otherwise know as the age of ENDLESS NEEDINESS.  You think baby age was bad..... try 7.  First, to them, you are a complete and total moron and everything you say must be questioned.  Then, when you are trying to enjoy your nightly glass of Spanish wine, they are all over you like a damn puppy, rubbing their face on your arm and you are like is this shit normal and your mom and those stupid what to expect books that I told you not to buy but you did anyway start talking about attachment parenting so you start to doubt yourself... STOP!!! JUST STOP!!! Get up and go get your kids one of two things: A Puppy or a Hobby.  When my daughter wants to do this, again not normal cuddly but this needy-freaky crap, I tell her to get her Guinea Pig. For my son, I pull out the Legos.  Problem solved.  You’re welcome.  

Step 8: Welcome to puberty.  Now as parents we worry to death about puberty, for a variety of reasons, mostly revolving around sex.  Ok, time to scare the crap out of you.  They ALREADY know what it is!! They do!!! Even if they don’t watch a lot of TV, they KNOW!! Back at Step 7!!! Yeah, that thew me for a loop too.  So, don’t worry about “the talk”, you get to have another talk instead.  That talk goes like this:  

Parent: If you kiss a boy/girl your lips will fall off of your face and you will have to paint on a smile like the Joker.  

Child: No mom/dad. I know that’s not true.  

Parent: And, if you go further, well, then you might die on the inside too.  

Child: Mom/Dad, I know what sex is. Can we not talk about this????

Parent (walking to closet): Fine, you know what it is?  I would like to show you and your boyfriend/girlfriend my gun collection.

Trust me, all parents think like this.  Including my celeb love (For new readers, that’d be Michael Shanks, I like to work him in, it’s fun).  In fact, he tweeted something similar and that was the VERY reason that my husband now follows him on Twitter.  Jack’s reasoning “You can like him. He’s a smart man. Wants to kill people that mess with his daughter too...”  all the while stroking his shotgun lovingly (What have I done to my yuppie yankee husband!?!)  

Step 9:  The teen years. Really these are the EASY years; I promise. Just take their spark plugs.  That’s it. And have their friend’s parents do the same.  They can talk smack all they want, stranded on their iPhones in a car they are too stupid to know how to fix.  

Step 10: This is why you need wine..... If you are not a drinker I believe as soon as you stop breastfeeding is a good time to start.  Shoot me an email. I can make recommendations.  They start with Spanish Wine.