How to Be Yourself

How to Be Yourself

Subtitle: Never be surprised when wisdom comes not from some sage person who wrote a bestseller but comes from your piercer. 

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. 

Step 1: Know who you are. Like REALLY know and not just go with what’s trendy. Going back to a conversation I had with a good friend a while ago, just know who you are and what makes you tick. Case in point: Nerd is now cool. This bothers me to NO end! I have been an incredible dork my entire life: I can recite (Yeah like word for word it’s creepy) all three original Star Wars films and translate the languages, my first tattoo was from the Neverending Story when I was 18, I get and always have gotten excited over Algebra, I did theatre in school, etc. 

I was a DORK. A NERD. A GEEK. And it was NOT cool. 

Granted, I had the punky pink haired weirdness that made me some cute oddity in high school and college so I had a great high school and college experience but that’s moot. 

It is NOT cool to magically be into RPG’s because it’s trendy. 

It is NOT cool that you’re buying Voltron underpants at Hot Topic when you picked on my collection I had when I was 8. 

It is NOT cool to start wearing shirts about how hard a geek’s life is when you have been one for about five hot minutes. 

And it’s OK to NOT be the latest trend. Just know who YOU are and go with it! 

Step 2: Accept who you are. Now, this is the hardest thing I think for anyone, but once you know who you are, just roll with it. There’s nothing wrong with you!! Don’t like the latest TV trend? You’re probably saving money on cable. Don’t like the new hit song? You’re probably not having to suffer those horrible morning DJs (Does anyone listen to that crap?? I mean it’s god awful and they do the same damn pranks every week. Originality anyone?). Don’t like the latest bestseller? You’re probably not wasting any money on weird bondage crap your husband will never use. And all of that is OK. 

Step 3: Say what you say. Now, there is a difference between correction communication Last week's blog :) and worrying about offending anyone. Always try to be kind but to be honest you are always gonna offend someone sometime (PENIS!) and you can’t drive yourself insane trying to decide whether or not comment A is gonna offend friend B even though it really isn’t offensive because it’s a joke but everything (POOP!) offends them and you’re worried that they’ll jam up the copier in front of you because they do that (WEED!) to people who offend them or start rumors about you. 

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!?

There is a difference between being considerate and being a doormat. 

Don’t be a doormat. 

Just don’t be an asshat either. 

Penis (Daniel’s :p ) 

Did I offend you??

Step 4: Do what you do. Ok, first, see Step 3 above. Those rules pretty much apply but in your actions you’ve got to follow through and be yourself. Don’t just talk the talk, but walk the walk. Take my insanity for example.  I like body art, a lot. A whole lot. Like I was HEARTBROKEN that Michael Shanks doesn’t have a tattoo because to me that would only make him that much hotter. (Athena, could you imagine that body with INK!!! MELT!! - Focus Bri focus, BLOG). So, I stopped worrying about what others thought (except for my job - I made sure it was cool with them - I need to eat ya know) and just did it. 15 piercings and 7 tattoos later, I’m still not done. (Granted I had 6 of those piercings and 3 of those tattoos before I got myself back...)

Don’t like it?

I don’t really care. 

Hot Roommate likes them and he’s about all who I’m trying to please. 

Step 5: Take chances. Put yourself out there. Honestly, you never know what will happen. I told my current employer a few years ago that I wanted a job that didn’t exist. Guess what? It does now. I wanted to finish my favorite TV series in a way that wasn’t some stupid shut up the fans canned makes no sense at all romance. So I wrote it. People seem to really like it too. My son’s class needed a room mother and my daughter’s scout troop needed a leader. I said I would do it, knowing full well that I’m NOT the typical mom and freak some other moms out with my body art. Guess what? Both are going well. 

Just do it. 

Oops, did I steal a Nike slogan? 

My bad, considering free advertising. You make good shoes. 

Step 6: Have faith in yourself. I’m not gonna shit ya, it’s hard to be yourself. People want everyone to be the same, be what they want them to be and when they aren’t they will do their best to make you want to crawl into a hole and die. Now, there is a sick part of me that wants to tell you to purchase some pig’s blood and go all Carrie on them (google this if you do not know the reference, it makes me seem less insane) but then again that might be my current obsession with horror films. Just smile, sit back and realize that they are just too damn scared to be themselves and jealous that you aren’t. 

This is where my piercer comes in. When I went to get my lip ring switched out my kids got to meet my piercer Jason. My son has a red mohawk and a skull and crossbones earring. My daughter has a short TinkerBell pixie hair cut with pink hair. When I introduced them to him the first thing he did was get down into the floor and look them both in the eyes and said this: 

“You guys are great. You keep being yourselves, no matter what that is. Be true to yourself and you’ll never go wrong. Give me a high five.” 

Not a lot makes me tear up. 

THAT did. 

Step 7: Don’t judge others for doing what you are doing. You don’t like Nascar (I’m using this as an example because I cannot for the life of me get the idea of cars driving around in circles to be entertaining, but to each his own) then fine, don’t hate on someone because they do. No nasty remarks, no “sarcastic” or “snarky” comments, just accept it if you want to be their friend. Playful teasing, fine, I do that often with some really good buddies of mine, but it ends there. I don’t begrudge my friends for their insanity any more than they begrudge me for mine. Gotta give to receive. 

Step 8: Erase negativity. And I don’t just mean social media, although we do need to take a break there. Look, I don’t have time for that complicated process that is unfriending and I barely have time to unfollow. So here’s the deal. If your entire FaceBook or Twitter or Tumblr or WHATEVER is just “Woe is me, my life sucks, my ex sucks, my baby daddy owe me some diapers, bitch, piss, moan, how in the hell did you make it to adulthood anyway....” UNFRIEND ME. You are toxic, like waste, and I need you gone. Make sure, however, to extend this to your Real Life as well. If there is a friend that EVERY time you hang out they make you feel like crap or like you want to initiate the zombie apocalypse, then STOP talking to them. Just stop. More toxic waste. And trust me, I watch enough horror movies to know that toxic waste is NOT a good thing. 

Step 9: Be there for others. You’re not an island (this is different from wanting to LIVE on one - I want an island for me, Daniel and Belgian chocolate but I digress). We need other people, people to bitch to AND people to bitch to you. Yea, that means you gotta listen and give advice and shit. Or at least listen. For the advice I’ve got like 80 or so damn entries here, so just forward my blog address.

Step 10: Wine. Note that I just said wine. Yeah, so of course I could recommend a dry Spanish red or perhaps a crisp Australian Riesling (I know, not German but them Aussies can WORK a grape!) but this blog is about being yourself. Drink whatever you like, even Gas Station wine (Moscato) if that’s your fancy. 

Just let me know when you pop open that bottle. 

I’ll join you. 

How to Properly Use Social Media

How to Properly Use Social Media

Subtitle: Brianne’s Humor 101 - Don’t ever take anything that seriously.  

Step 1:  Understand social media.  What is social media? Social Media, by definition is: “forms of electronic communication (as Web sites for social networking and microblogging) through which users create online communities to share information, ideas, personal messages, and other content (as videos)” (Thank you Merriam Webster online).  Or, in normal people words, we don’t like to talk to real people anymore, so we do it online but not even in a direct damn fashion.  Social media, in reality, was invented to connect like minded people that might have passed each other in life and to network for professional ventures. Don’t believe me? Google the founders of ANY social media outlet, I guar-an-damn-tee that their intention was NOT for people to share what they were eating for dinner, their location every five seconds or to beg for money.  

Step 2:  Know your social media. In this step, we shall begin with Facebook.  Facebook is probably the most used form of social media. You can share photos, events, how you are feeling and games with your friends, neighbors and complete strangers in foreign countries.  While you can fill it with a LOT of personal information, there should be a limit to said information.  People have forgotten what kinds of things are private and what kinds of things are not.  Your money problems, private.  Your marital status, private. Your sex life, private.  I don’t want to know about ANY of that, nor do I want to share it with you.  In fact, I am one of those people who will post fake crap concerning those three areas above and more just to screw with you.  

Step 3:  And, on that note, let’s continue with Facebook shall we? Why step 3? Because this needs it’s own step.  If you spilt up with your significant other and are NOT 15 years old, you should NOT go to Facebook FIRST to change your status. Facebook was designed for college students that had nothing else better to do than try to get laid. In fact, the simple fact that “It’s complicated” is an option in relationship bothers me to no end, hence the reason why every chance I get to mess with my awesome husband, I change said status to play with him.  He does it too people, you just aren’t friends with him! This is not to diss my friends who are so sweet and worry about me when I make said crazy changes (or even better when I marry myself off to Michael Shanks / Daniel Jackson who some people thought was my REAL boyfriend LOL - I wish...) The sad part is that you kind sweet people think jokes like I make are real because stupid people are using this to air their dirty laundry, which is not why it was invented.  Keep that crap to yourself or unfriend me. 

Step 4: Facebook, continued.  I am really on a roll here, aren’t I? If I am going to offend, I might as well go full tilt.  Now, the next thing that drives me crazy on Facebook are causes.  Don’t get me wrong, I fully support your cancer run, etc. and will be happy to contribute when I can, but some of your other causes.... that I won’t mention.  Let me put it to you this way, as long as there are starving children and people dying due to a lack of health insurance, I really can’t care about much else. So, you can post it, but don’t tag me in it or put it on my wall because I might tell you how I really feel.  

Step 5:  Facebook, partie quatre. Bragging.  Now, aside from the “I’m in the bathroom right now” and/or “Life sucks. Why does life hate me, screw the world” status people, on the other end of the spectrum we have the braggarts. The ‘my life is peaches and cream perfect’ and I am going to brag about every vacation, shopping trip, life achievement, etc. every five freakin seconds so much so that you want to unfriend me.  You know these people; we all have them in our lists.  This is DIFFERENT from sharing good news with your network, these people look like they artfully craft each and every post to rub in your face how good their life is.  For you people understand this, we are not idiots.  We know you are crazily insecure and need those strokes to your ego.  And we aren’t jealous of you when you post that crap; we just feel sorry for you... (P.S. For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook I only post such things for a) my inlaws because they live 600 miles away and it is easier than calling all of them or b) in smartass retaliation for some else’s stupidity in breaking above the mentioned rules). 

Step 6:  Twitter.  Thought I was going to continue ranting about Facebook, didn’t you? Nope, we are going to move on to the latest trend in media.  Twitter was meant to send short snippets of information to a list of followers.  And stalk celebrities.  Who are using it to self-promote. Which is what it was intended for.  It is not for making friends, keeping friends or anything else that would replace normal human interaction.  I like to read about what people I admire are doing and yes I do tweet to Mr. Canadian Hot Pants and yes he has answered me, more than once, but I do not think that this means I will actually ever be friends with this man nor does it mean that you are friends with who you are tweeting to and/or who tweets you back.  Honestly, I see the purpose as small sarcastic texts sent to an audience.  That’s it. I tweet through Game of Thrones to make fun of each and every little insane detail to amuse myself, and others.  So, if you are doing any of the same things that you are doing in the above mentioned Facebook steps, stop.  It makes you look stupid.

AMENDED - YOU CAN MAKE FRIENDS ON TWITTER!!! FRIENDS THAT RULE!!! FRIENDS I LOVE. AND MEET AWESOME CELEBS LIKE CORIN NEMEC WHO IS GREAT!!!   

Step 7: Blogs.  Ok, yes, it’s ironic that I am going to blast blogs while writing a blog, but isn’t that the point in this to be ironic.  Or sarcastic.  See, I am trying to teach how my sense of humor works.  Blogging is very cathartic, I know, almost as cathartic as my cheesy stories I write or watching ‘The Wiener's Circle” with my husband (Have you guys seen that? CLASSIC) and while you can blog about what you want, please keep in mind a few things.  Blogs are PUBLIC.  PUBLIC.  People can hunt you down and stalk you if you put on there your freakin location, etc. AND/OR people can search for your your entries and FIND out creepy crap about you.  I have seen blogs that have about every piece of personal information known to mankind but your Social Security number and then you go gripin on Facebook (back to Facebook - see - it all goes back to freakin’ Facebook) that you have weirdoes messaging you OR had your idenitiy stolen.  Can we be smart about this people, ok? 

Step 8:  Now to explain Brianne’s sense of humor (For the humorless and the insanely kind whose friendship I greatly appreciate) 

Social Media Outlet	How it was intended to be used	How Bri uses it
Facebook	Began as a college student directory (primarily for dating) and expanded to be a directory to track down friends.	To let long-distance friends and relatives know how my family is doing and to amuse myself by posting insane statuses (stati - what’s the correct plural here)
Twitter	To send text messages to a small group of people rather than doing that select all crap with your phone.	To make fun of things and tweet Michael Shanks. In neither case am I ever really being serious.
Blogs	Short, online articles used by publishers to entice further reading.	Can’t you see the description above.  Basically, I want to be a smart aleck. Ergo, you need to not take ANY of this seriously.
Tumblr	For people to make small, photo and video based websites dedicated to a topic	Don’t use this, ain’t got the time.  Would LOVE to have the time, but I barely get papers graded, house cleaned and children fed.
Pinterest	To create boards where things you want to remember are logged for later use	To make a list of fantasy dresses I want custom made that I would legit wear in public AND post pictures of Mr. Canadian Hot Pants.

Step 9: More on Brianne’s humor part 2.  I am NOT an alcoholic.  It’s a joke.  In fact, there are like 2 bottles of Spanish wine in there.  Unopened.  That might not get opened until this weekend, if I feel like it.  And, since I work out like a freak, I probably won’t feel like it.  Don’t lecture me; I am trying to be funny. If if weren’t for those buckle-hatted bastards we wouldn’t even be having this conversation, would we?

Step 10: Michael Shanks. Thought we’d get to him sooner, didn’t we?  Let’s lay this out there.  I NEVER had a celeb crush as a kid, no Teen Beat or Tiger Pop mags, never.  I got my first and ONLY celeb crush at 30 years old.  Do I think he is a great actor? Yes.  Do I think he is the hottest man on the planet? Yes. Do want to meet him? Yes. Do I plan to run away to Canada to throw myself at him? No, that’s stupid.  It is stupid that people even think that.  In fact, the reason I mention him so much is that it has become an inside joke between me and my husband of 8 years. He thinks it’s funny, and if he thinks it’s funny, then we’re fine.  Again, it is a joke, you people need to take it easy.  And, on the off chance he is reading this and ever gets to this entry - joking aside, I think you are really awesome and would like to buy you a drink :-)