How to throw a Bachelorette Party

How to throw a Bachelorette Party

Subtitle: She does have to make it to the wedding. Physically and Morally. Try to keep it classy. 

Step 1: Know your bride.  There is a good amount of background information you will need on the woman of the hour and her hubby to be so that everyone will have a good time and no one will end up in jail or with a FaceBook status as single on Monday.  (Because we all know that posting your status on FaceBook is the first freaking thing people do the second they split, ugh). Make sure to plan based on this knowledge.  If you do not know the bride well enough to make wise decisions then you shouldn’t be throwing the party.  

Step 2: Book a hotel room.  First, you don’t wanna clean up very much, especially if anyone gets sick.  Second, your significant other is not there.  If you want some crazy shenanigans going down, it is best that your own better half is not involved.  Not that I wanted to do some crazy things or anything, but Hot Roommate would have sat there and laughed at me and told embarrassing stories on me (like the damn Bride did anyway; there is officially NO ONE in the Ashland area that does NOT know I am in love with Michael Shanks- thanks Caitlynn). Third, everyone can crash there. Which is not funny, it’s just safe.

Step 3: Keep the bride away until you are ready. I suggest booking her a massage.  That way, no matter how bad her week has been leading up to said party, she arrives all relaxed and ready to go.  But get a long massage, a good long massage.  Because streamers are a B*$CH to hang up in a hotel room with no ladder (so it takes FOREVER) and CLOSE the blinds lest creepy old men peep in the front windows as you hang up streamers wearing yoga pants.  Yuck. It happened.  I feel violated. 

Step 4:  Have an opening activity. Chances are that none of these people know each other, so have a cute little opener that involves the bride.  We did wine goblets with little adjective stickers that the bride chose a few days before without knowing why.  Then I got to hand out the cups and let everyone know what she thought of them. Awkward.  Especially when she gave the preacher “naughty”.  Yes. We had a preacher there.  She was cool.   

Step 5: Book a party within a party.  By this, I mean something like 31, Scentsy, Mary Kay, Party Lite or other things.  This will take care of two things. One, it takes up some time as the evening gets later and the city gets wilder.  Two, no gifts to worry about for the bride, because the bride goes in last and finds out how much free stuff she gets (not just hostess credit but also money everyone kicked in while they placed their order).  Just watch how much wine you serve at the party because the bride will have fun. And tell tales on you.  And a few glasses of wine in, you are a crappy liar.  

Step 6: Wine tasting.  Forget strippers, that costs a lot and are not as hot as Joe Manganiello in Magic Mike (or Michael Shanks.....make me MELT). A wine tasting is classy, fun and tasty.  Rent a small local shop (I recommend the Caboose in Ashland) and have the owner pick out some wines that NEVER would EVER be sold at the grocery store OR the gas station.  So no Moscato.  And try not to drink too much before you go because the guy probably has interesting things to say.  And you are paying him to say them. 

Step 7: Desserts. Sure, you can bring food and you probably will want food at your *cough* candle partly, but we woman only really want two things in life: Chocolate and Cheesecake.  Take note gentlemen, these two things can make for a better marriage.  Chocolate and Cheesecake.  What better way to enjoy all of the wine you bought at the shop after your tasting than to nibble some New York style cheesecake and chocolate mousse. And no, I don’t care about the calories right now.  Throwing parties for your friends burns calories. And I can run extra tomorrow. 

Step 8: Games. No, I am not 12. Yes, games are fun, and I am not talking about beer pong either, that’s for frat boys. I’m talking about Apples to Apples (which I went out and bought myself so you people can get me something else for my birthday - how about a kiss from “You Know Who....”). Because nothing is more hysterical than a group of giddy woman, wine, cheesecake and Apples to Apples. You have no idea what will come out of their mouths, no matter how twisted or offensive.  Oh, and these ladies never forget.  Let’s just say it quickly turned into “Let’s harass Bri about being a fan girl” festival.  Sigh.   Oh! And throwing the “In a Coma” card proves you are watching it too!!! So there!!

Step 9:  Get these b$*ches out of here or to bed. Really, if you are sober you need to help me clean up or leave and get the drunks to bed.  Yes, I am serious and it is 2 a.m. and I have been up since 6 because I ran a race this morning.  I know, I know, bad planning, just be careful with those streamers, don’t rip the paint off the walls. The bride? The bride is relaxing and reading, leave her be.  She deserves this.  

Step 10: Wine? Are you kidding me?? I have had so much wine tonight that I will be running at least 1000 extra miles this week and I am not sure if my blood is blood anymore.  Oh, but there is that box out there on the table, of tasting leftovers.....  I just gotta run to my car for a sec.... I’ll be right back..... 

*** On a side note, Happy 9th Anniversary to Hot Roommate: I couldn't do any of this without out ***

How to Survive a Birthday Party

How to Survive a Birthday Party

Subtitle: A year by year guide to surviving what will easily come become the most nerve wracking day of the year, or days of the year, depending on how many times you decide to multiply. 

This entry is going to be slightly different. I have replaced the steps with the years and am grouping the ages slightly. No worries, you will still be amused.  I live to serve. 

Year 1: What a sweet year...  The year you are still reading parenting books and magazines and looking up cute things on Pinterest.  Every soul in a five mile radius wants to come and celebrate this big day with your family. How sweet!! (Sarcasm there, followed by some barfing noises and other obscene phrases). Look people, let me make this simple for you.  The kid is one. They are not going to remember anything.  Your parents, they don’t care what the theme is.  Your friends? If they have kids, they are laughing at you because they remember being just as stupid and if they don’t have kids they are making a mental list of what you are doing wrong as if they are going to do so much better.  So, who are you trying to impress? For this major milestone you only need ONE thing.  Just ONE.  A cake for the baby.  Big, little, chocolate, vanilla, hypoallergenic, whatever.  Something fun that your child can eat.  Sing the song and plop that bad boy in front of him/her and let’em go to town.  Don’t worry about food for everyone else. Trust me, no one wants to eat after seeing that.  

Years 2 -5: Ahhh.... the kid party years.  The years where you are still stupid enough to invite a ton of people and possibly every child at daycare or every child at homeschool playgroup despite the fact that NONE of them can behave and you hate their parents.  You might think it is ok to bring these little demons into your home and have a cute little party in your front yard, where the children will frolic joyously and blow bubbles. Please get the hell off of Pinterest and cancel that damn magazine subscription. Those parties NEVER work like they do on TV. And you have to talk to the children, not just sip wine spritzers and gossip about the neighborhood. Ergo, here is my solution: Chuck E. Cheese.  DON’T click away.  Allow me to explain.  You guys mentioned you liked charts.  Here’s another one: 

Party Item	How Chuck E Cheese takes care of it	How this helps you
Invitations	Have both eVite or printable option	The moment other parents see the words “Chuck E. Cheese” they will scream in terror.  This eliminates all annoying idiots and brats from your party because only true friends will suffer this with you.
Entertainment	Tokens, Games, Loudness	Not only does this help you avoid having to book other stupid party things, like clowns, magicians or Moonbounces, but the place is so damn loud and insane that you just hand out tokens and let them go with no worries of them terrorizing anything in your home.
Food	Pizza... and some other stuff...	Look, to adults, it tastes like crap, but the kids love it.  You didn’t have to cook.  And you don’t have to clean it up.  It’s a win, win.  Just bring yourself a protein shake; it will get you through a few hours.
Cake/Ice Cream	They sell these too.  Extra cost. Of course.	This actually does not taste bad.  And they make it all cute and bring it out singing. You can bring your own cake, but honey, if you have never transported a child’s birthday cake before, let’s not start now.  It is a life experience one does not need. Your car will thank you.
Goodie Bags	Either you can buy extra OR the kids get their own crap with the tickets!!	The last thing we think of are those “compete with the last parent who had a party” damn goodie bags.  This is better than that crap - this is CREATE YOUR OWN.  AND, you don’t have to worry about allergies!

Years 6-10: My own children are in this range.  This is a nice range, because I have managed to ELIMINATE BIRTHDAY PARTIES!!! Mwa ha ha!!! Here is how I did it:  Travel!! I let them pick a place to go for the night or for the weekend and we travel.  AND if the place is close, you can let them bring ONE friend (I opted for a cousin myself because if I break him there are fewer legal repercussions.... kidding, Heather, kidding....). This year the kids picked The Great Wolf Lodge and my kids are talking about DC/Medieval Times for next year.  But wait, it gets better!! You can influence these decisions as well, so YOU get to travel.  However, you need to make sure that you have thought out your argument and keep your spouse out of it.  I tried to convince my daughter that Canada might be fun at dinner one night.  Hubby looked up and asked what we would do there. I happily listed off some fun activities to do in Toronto. Hubby told me that list did not include stalking the Saving Hope studio and if we were to go to Toronto that activity would not be added.  Trick to use daughter’s travel present as an excuse to meet Michael Shanks - THWARTED BY HUSBAND!!! Damn him.  Next time, I will do that convincing while he is at work :-)

Years 11-15: The Limo.  I credit my mom with this idea.  Tweens and young teens love limos. You really do not have to do anything else but rent a limo.  My mom managed to completely entertain without complaints eight 13-year-olds for well over an hour with a Hummer Limo that had a slot machine.  Granted, 13 year olds cannot gamble, so the limo driver gave the kids a bunch of dimes and then swapped their winnings for candy, but they were so thoroughly entertained that when the ride was over and they were arriving for dinner, they didn’t want to eat. THIRTEEN year olds turning down food!! For a Limo!?! Yeah, it’s true.  And, like above, there is no clean-up, no people at your house and due to the size a party with a limited amount of children.  Maybe you can even avoid food if the limo driver has enough candy.

Years 16-18: Bonfire. Now, I know what you are thinking, what the hell happened to keeping people out of your house? The key here is that you DON’T have these children in your house.  Stack a bunch of trees in a pile like a teepee, pour on some lighter fluid and BOOM.  Get everyone to bring a covered dish and make your teenagers significant other grill the hotdogs (or if this is a party for a boy, make him do the grilling).  If you have some extra cash, since you are probably only buying hot dogs and sodas, get a Port-o-potty and THEN you can keep the dirty little heathens 100% out of your house.  At about 9 or 10 p.m. (later if you are feeling adventurous) start pulling out the marshmallows and campfire songs.  The teens will flee en masse. 

Years 19+: Your ass is GROWN.  Throw your own damn party.  Don’t you have a job? Do you realize how much these stupid things have cost me for the past 18 years?  Where is my party? What about 21 you say? Fine, I will buy you a drink.  Spanish wine.  You are gonna need it from here on out.  Might as well start now. 

How to Vacation in Style

How to Vacation in Style

Subtitle: How to survive the Great Wolf Lodge with your sanity, body and wallet intact. 

Step 1: Go to their website. Familiarize yourself with the lodge and which location you would like to attend.  Make yourself a wish list.  Pick three rooms you would like and list them in this order. Here is the order I use while I am planning.

1. Room I would book if I was were married to Michael Shanks (tee hee) 
2. Room I would book if I just scored a good translation job. 
3. Room I can really afford to book.  

Next, go onto the packages. Don’t read them.  Here is what you want to buy. IF you want lots of activities for the kids to do buy the Paws Pass.  IF you want them to take a lot of stuff home (and have a POOP load of arcade tokens) get the Wolf Pass.  PACKAGE CAUTION: The Wolf Pass includes a quest thingy that you have to either have this special wand in advance OR buy said $20 wand.  Ask them to exchange for arcade tokens; they will do it.  Now... DON’T BOOK ANYTHING ONLINE!!

Step 2: Call the phone number.  This will not be the first time I mention this, but the people that work for Great Wolf Lodge are the NICEST people ever. They seriously give those Chick-fil-a people a run for their money, and they are so nice you have to wonder if their guts are made of cotton candy and gum drops. Once on the line, explain to them why you are coming to the lodge.  EVERY last detail.  Everything.  Befriend them.  Now, for my northern readers this may be hard, but us southerners were born talking to complete strangers.  It’s in our DNA. We can’t buy groceries without inviting at LEAST one person in the line with us to dinner. Once you get on a nice first name basis with the booking agent, begin to talk about the first room on your wish list.  Believe it or not, you may actually get that room for the third room price (Sadly, Michael Shanks is not included). Depending on your flexibility and applicable sob story, you would be amazed what the phone agent can do that the website cannot. 

Step 3:  Go to the grocery store, the day before you leave.  This is IMPERATIVE.  While the fun at the lodge is ENDLESS the food is AWFUL.  AWFUL.  I mean, so very very bad. This is not because I am some health nut, although my husband claims that it is, but there is a limit to the amount of processed garbage that you can eat.  Every room has a fridge, so you will be just fine storing your items.  There are stores nearby, but like any good entrepreneur, the prices are higher due to the proximity of the resort.  So, don’t be lazy, bring your food with you.  You will thank me later. 

Step 4:  Arrive at the lodge right when you can check in.  Now you may arrive as early as 1 pm when check-in is at 4, but do not arrive at 1.  First, since people are checking out at 11 and then hanging around to swim a bit, they start getting tired by one and leaving in a mass exodus of wiped, waterlogged, clueless parents staggering with little Timmy running unsupervised into the parking lot.  And, without fail, your kid will be starving to death by 2 and begging for crap at the snack bar, which we have already discussed in step 3, and your food in five acres away in a cooler in the car.  Ok, so you may be thinking, I will just walk to the car, it’s no big deal.  Do that net thingy ONCE with your kid, just ONCE.  Then reconsider walking to the car for a snack.  

Step 5: Water park first.  Not only will the kids be chanting “We want to swim, we want to swim!” over and over like some crazy protesters on the White House lawn, but it will wear them the hell out.  Yes, you want to enjoy this vacation with your kids, but isn’t it also nice to have them pass out so you can talk to your spouse and enjoy some adult conversation. With adult words.  Words like pontificate.  That’s a nice word. I had forgotten about how great a word was.  I enjoy pontificating on the internet in abundance.  

Step 6: Step 6 will be a mini how to, because the water park itself requires its own survival guide.  Here is how it will go down.  

1. You will enter heated water park.  For sun bums like me, it is fantastic.  For my husband (aka hot roommate), the resident yankee, it might as well be the Sahara desert.  Dress accordingly.  I have seen non-swimmers in there, in sweaters, complaining about the heat.  The sign says 84 degree year round.  If you cannot read that huge ass sign by the door you need not be here in the first place. 
2. Next, do not take your own towels, they have towels there and it gives you less to keep up with.  Because your child will lose at least 5 things on this trip and the towel is something you don’t want to lose for future beach trips.  
3. DO wear a cover up.  Please.  I understand what it is to be heavy, I used to be very heavy, and to be honest, this had nothing to do with being heavy and everything to do with people need to have a realistic understanding of what they should and should not wear.  Please.  Some people should not wear a two piece bathing suit.  And, to boot, put your boobs away. This is a kid’s theme park. If your boobs are hanging out I am assuming you want preteens to archive you for future reference.  That is NASTY and WRONG.  
4. Do the central area first. This is because once you and your kids see the water you will quickly forget how old you are and go dashing up the net with them. Yes, the net.  There are stairs leading to the water slides as well, stairs I did not discover until visit number 2, but your kid will act as if they do not exist and beg you to climb the net. Do it.  Because depending on your fitness level, you will get up that net a max of ten times and you will be done for the entire trip.  I run 7 miles easy now and after about time number 8, I was officially finished.  
5. Move onto the larger slides.  This also requires a hike, up nearly three stories of stairs. Carrying a float.  While your kids run ahead. And call you slow.  What in the hell!?!? I run at least 3 miles a day and some stairs are killing me!?! PLEASE SLOW DOWN KIDS!! I’M DROPPING THE FLOAT!!
6. Now, if you have played your cards right, your children will be tired and just want to chill in the pools. This gives you a chance to decompress for a while and allow them to finish the wearing down process. 

Step 7:  Dinner time! Now, if you did not buy sandwich supplies at grocery store or your kids are claiming that a sandwich will not satisfy their massive hunger, there IS a Pizza Hut Express in the Lodge.  It is the BEST deal on food there and it is GOOD. Seriously. Plus, the Pizza Hut guys are super funny and will joke around with you while you wait. Nice and amusing.  And cute too (make sure hubby is not reading this step...) :-) 

Step 8: Bedtime.  Your kids will be tired, but they will not want to go to sleep.  They will fight you.  Start by making them shower BEFORE going to bed, because, really, chlorine or not, it is public water.  NASTY! Super nasty.  Like every bad film strip you watched in health class in high school nasty.  Remember, children pee in pools.  Even good children.  Even your children.  Watch, at least once you will see an oops face that a little has escaped.  Throw those little boogers under the hottest water they can tolerate and take to them with Brillo pads.  The fit they will throw to avoid getting in this water will take the last of it out of them.  Place children into beds.

Step 9: What about the rest of the stuff? That my friends is for day two.  If you stay an entire weekend, which we have not done yet, fine, hop from thing to thing.  But if you just do overnight, do all of the arcade crap when it opens the next morning.  Your kids will be the first ones there and you can avoid and snotty noses and hardcore teens cursing at the zombie shooting machine.  Or the odd adults that are playing the video games like they are competing for some sort of championship or million dollar prize. Unless you want to stare and make fun of those people. Dude, you’re getting all worked up over an arcade game at a place with pink and purple black lights and Jonas brothers music.  That makes you look cool. Sure. 

Step 10: Leave.  This is it’s own step because one of two things are going to happen.  Either your kids, out of tokens from the arcade, out of bowling passes, stuffed with crap food that in step 3 I told you not to buy but you did anyway thinking I was just being cheap but you now realize as you run to the bathroom for the fifth time that I was right, decide that they are finished OR they will throw a damn fit.  If the first is the case, go ahead and head out, checking out and maybe even taking them to the water park again before you leave.  If the latter is the case, you need to resort the either bribery of threats.  Promise to go someone else one the way home (bribery) or if you parent like me, tell them if they throw the fit now “We will never come back here, ever, even if it was your final wish, and you will never go to a water park, anywhere, ever for as long as you both live.”  My kids know I am mean, so usually by the word never they have backpacks on and are heading for the door.  

Step 11: I know - I never do a Step 11.  But we need this, right? A little personal reward for surviving this. Two words.  Spanish Wine.  (Betcha thought I was going to say Michael Shanks :-) ... Dude, if I figure out how to get that man to be my personal reward, I will NEVER SHARE - sorry. )