How to be a Feminist

How to be a Feminist

Subtitle: There’s this clever little invention. It’s called deodorant. And, if you will recall, I have coupons. 

(On the other hand with 73 days left, you might just want to wash a little better. Save your money for that Ramen we've discussed)

Step 1: Know what you stand for.  Why are you a feminist? Do you believe that woman deserve equal rights, treatment and pay in a modern society? Hun, that doesn’t make you a feminist, that makes you human. It’s the people that believe otherwise that are not.  

Step 2: Wash. Ok, I’m not trying to be a jerk here, I’m not (and we ALL know when I just come out with straight up bitch - this is not one of those times) but I’m seriously trying to figure out what part of standing up for women’s rights means you can’t take care of basic personal hygiene. I’m not intending to be offensive; I really want to know why you are explaining to me about woman being used as slave labor in Colombia due to our coffee consumption and it’s direct correlation with your smelling like a locker room. Feel free to comment below. 

Step 3: Uh, last I checked, cooking wasn’t a sin. Let’s lay this out for you. I am very pro-women’s rights. Hot Roommate stayed home with the kids while I pursued my career and got my Master’s. Hot Roommate will be keeping my kids while I get my PhD. However, this does not mean that I can’t cook a MEAN empanada or bake an amazing cheesecake.  I can. And this does not make me some blue dress wearing house wife. I like to cook. It’s fun.  And if you think otherwise, I’m not sharing. 

Step 4: Ok, I should clarify, shave AND wash. Believe it or not, women didn’t start shaving in order to please men, they started shaving to cut down on lice.  Yes, lice. (I’m a history teacher too, remember, I’m full of delicious little tidbits of information). And as a result of said change in hygienic habits, women discovered that shaving actually led to less sweating and smelling better overall. Not for men. For you. Do you really think that onion smell coming from your pits is pleasant?? Cuz I know if I can smell you, you most definitely can...

Step 5: Stop worrying about other people. I have met feminists that are so concerned about not looking like they need a man for one hot minute that they go out of their way to be different, stand out by dressing in the typical feminist fashion, make sure that every dinner conversation turns to the suppression of women over the centuries, and walk around trying to make sure people never see you smile. What the hell?? Wasn’t NOT worrying about others the point of this movement.  So what if someone wants to wear tight clothes, she had that right. So what if she wants to get a boob job, she had that right. Just do YOUR thing and I will do mine! Oh and I wear tight jeans. Very tight jeans. Because I like to look at my butt in them. I don’t care what the men think either. Except for Michael Shanks. I would care very much what he thought, but not in a man approving of a woman kind of way, but in a I want to use you as my personal sex slave and have you pour me wine but first I have to trap you kind of way...

Step 6: He has a penis, that does make him useful. Well, for that of course, good lord for that, but more so for heavy lifting. Look, biologically, men have more upper body strength. Don’t believe me, let’s consult science http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8477683. It says that biologically they are MADE to be stronger. Yes, you can lift weights and work-out, and I do, like a fiend, much to Hot Roommate’s annoyance at times, but if he is going to be stronger anyway, use him!! Yes, USE!! Men LIKE to be used. Let him open that jar for you, carry the bookcase up three flights of stairs, change that tire. Because there is no way you wanted to actually do that shit, is there? Admit it..... You would rather be blogging about how morally superior you are....

Step 7: Clean, shave, wash, wear deodorant...why am I having to be this specific??? I am all the way on step 7 and am still trying to figure out how not taking care of one’s self proves that women are better than men. What about you? I mean, I like smelling nice, it’s like aroma therapy right? Feel the mint...embrace the mint....

Step 8: Things that are not an attack on your independence. 

1. Door openings. It’s just polite. In fact, in the south we can spot a Yankee a MILE away because they are the ass that let the door slam in your face. 
2. Anything with the word “man” in it. We lived in a male dominated society for a long time and people just named things willy-nilly. They did NOT name them just to piss you off and we do not need to RENAME them to make you feel better, we are correcting the problem with NEW things now! Remember when you made fun of Republicans over “Freedom Fries”?? You are doing the SAME DAMN THING!!
3. Strip clubs. Because you seem to have a major problem with woman taking off their clothes for money (and I know strippers, some of them LIKE their job) but you have no problem dashing off to a live show of Magic Mike because they someone deserve to be objectified. Either there are NO strip clubs, or you deal with both, life does not go both ways. 
4. When your date pays for dinner. Especially when that date is male. Go back to A. It’s just nice and polite.  Sometimes I even try to buy dinner for others. If someone tries to buy you dinner, a drink (not sending you a drink in a strange bar, but while you are their together) or even a popcorn at the movie do not automatically assume they want to sleep with you. They might just be being nice.  Except for you Mr. Canadian Hot Pants. I AM trying so you just keep that in mind...

Step 9: How to avoid a relapse: A mini how to....

1. Get up and shower every morning. It makes you smell good, brightens your day and makes you a happier person. (Which might be the source of all of this nonsense in the first place)
2. Remember that nice does not mean condescending. Smile when people do pleasant things and by all means pay it forward. 
3. Be who you are, even if that chic carries a coach handbag, wears high heels and have facial tattoos.  
4. Stop reading blogs, forums, watching The View (they DO NOT represent REAL women) or doing another activity that makes you want to go and picket about something stupid when we have children starving. Wait, which bring me to step 9A. 

Step 9A: CHILDREN ARE NOT EVIL.  You, dumbass, were a child once, so stop looking at them like they should no longer exist. You don’t want to have kids, fine, but don’t look at me like there is something wrong with me because I did OR condemn the woman who choose to stay home with them. Remember the part about it being a woman’s CHOICE. My mom CHOSE to stay home with us. She is also a black belt and can whup your ass. Case closed. 

Step 10: Have a beer. Yes, a beer, all grainy and hoppy and manly and NOT organic sage infused red juice of the fuckin’ goddness. Drink a god damn cheap beer, because believe it or not, you’re no better than the rest of us...

As a REAL feminist, who believes a woman can do just as well as a man and look damn hot doing it, I approve this message. 

How to Change Your Stars

How to Change Your Stars

Subtitle: I didn’t like me. At all. So guess what? I did something about it. 

This entry is a little more serious and in homage to my anniversary this summer. One year ago, on July 17th 2011, I decided to change my stars. Here’s how and why I did. 

Step 1: The deterioration.  It will happen to everyone. Everyone.  There is no one root cause but mine was quiet simple: I got comfortable.  I had Hot Roommate after three stupid years of NOT letting myself be attracted to him and finally admitting everything to him because of my good friend José. I had a cute little house in the country that was super pretty despite the insanity of building it myself. I had two little perfect demons that were happily driving me insane. Ok, you whiney brat, if you were so damn happy that we are about ready to click off of this blog, what in the heck is wrong with you?!?! I stopped caring about me. Which was stupid, because she’s kinda important. To you know, the three things (4 if you separate the demons above).  Read on...

Step 2: The realization. Ok, if we read the 10K entry you know part one of this story already.  Let’s recap, Clare was little, she thought I was a man because I was fat and dressed like one.  She even said she had two daddies.  Ouch.  I don’t have a problem with two daddies, that just wasn’t the look I was going for. Then, there is the fact that Hot Roommate laughed at the idea of me running. At all. Or finishing anything for that matter.  What!?! I used to be THE go to girl to get things done and now I’m the half-ass person who just exists? And my own husband thinks so? Oh hell no! 

Step 3: The motivation. Next, you need to throw fit, scream at everyone using a plethora of profanity in a variety of languages and lock yourself in your bedroom with your computer. Turn on your computer, plug in your headphones and cue up some cinema on Netflix.  Watch Star Wars first and cry, because when you were a child Princess Leia was your hero.  Fat, unmotivated, depressed chicks can’t be Princess Leia.  Upset, flip over to Legend of the Seeker.  Have same reaction watching Cara and Kahlan. Get mad, change program again.  Finally watch that Stargate show you missed while in grad school your friends keep telling you to watch. Watch about 30 mins of first episode. And fall completely and totally in love.  

Step 4: The situation. Shut off the computer.  What happened to you? If things like the Stargate really existed, you really were cool enough, smart enough, everything enough to be a part of something like that (and get that PERFECT MAN - hell, you got Hot Roommate who is awesome and even he thinks you’ve turned into a monster).  Go look in the mirror. Realize you are huge, have a constant frown on your face, and dark circles because you don’t sleep, you just lay around feeling sorry for yourself. That’s not you.  In fact, I have no idea who in the hell you are girl, but you’ve got to go. Now. 

Step 5: The transformation.  Now, keep it all inside until you find the right person to break to. Otherwise, you just end up blubbering like a drunken fool (perhaps drunk indeed) to anyone and everyone and no one will take you seriously. I recommend breaking-down to a professional. It might be a shrink, but for me it was my Ob-Gyn.  She let me sit there, blubber like an idiot and then handed me a folder.  I am not sure the name on it anymore, but I know it was politically correct way of saying “How to not be a Fat Ass Anymore and Actually not Die of Type 2 Diabetes,” or something along those lines.  There was no explanation, just a “Look, I know you are a smart person. Read this. Call me if you have any questions. I’m glad you’ve decided to do this.” 

Step 6: The frustration. Ok, I’m not gonna to lie.  Running hurts.  Lifting weights hurts.  Eating right is killer.  Don’t give up.  You’re gonna sprain ankles while leaping over furniture like a gazelle and have to have the cute Redneck ambulance drivers carrying you down the stairs in the skimpiest workout clothes ever because you were working out before the kids got up and oh yeah, they’re up now, on the phone with 911 talking about how clumsy you are.  You’re husband will get promoted and leave you with the children 24/7 so you have to improvise like crazy and ride your bike while lifting weights at the same time so you don’t lose workout time.  It’s gonna to be frustrating.  Don’t give up.  

Step 7: The dedication. Get right back up after each of these.  So, you go 21 days without running? Lift weights until you can and start running as soon as you are allowed.  Now, you’re not gonna run miles right off the bat, but be dedicated enough to work your way back up.  Don’t listen to naysayers.  I’ve been told, well you don’t run that fast or it’s not like you’re a REAL athlete.  These people are asshats and they are just jealous that YOU don’t hate your life anymore.  Let them keep hating theirs.  You just keep going and do what you gotta do to succeed.  

Step 8: The destination. Ok, this is not even about meeting Michael Shanks anymore. (Although words cannot describe how excited I am to be able to just touch this man!!!) It’s about realizing that I can finally do anything I set my mind to, even if it is something as crazy as meeting your celebrity crush.  Riding everything at the local theme park that you were ever afraid of.  Trying Hot Yoga. Belly Dancing in front of a crowd.  Writing a story, a novel, a blog.  Putting yourself out there. Because remember, you were pretty cool. And you still are.  

Step 9: The dispensation.  For this to truly work you don’t just going flouncing around bragging.  I get a lot of compliments and the first thing I say is “Thanks, but anyone can do it if I did.  Just let me know, I’m happy to share.” And be there for those people when they hit steps 5-7.  Be there when they tell you what THEIR step 8 is and don’t laugh (cuz come on YOURS is to HUG Michael Shanks, does it get sillier?? I thought not). Be supportive and caring and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. 

Step 10: The celebration. Wine time!! Hey, wanna know the best part of this? It takes less wine to be happy when you are smaller.  So you can either save the money or buy more expensive wine. But drink up and drink well! You deserve it.  

Happy Anniversary! And if YOU ;) are reading: I’m not one of the crazies, I just wanted to thank you for helping me change my stars even though you weren’t even aware that you did.