How to be a Soccer Mom

How to be a Soccer Mom (or a Basketball Mom, Theatre Mom, Yoga Mom - WTF aren’t you guys in)

Subtitle: Modern parenting 101

SubSubTitle: The basketball game starts at WHAT time!?!? 

Step 1: Coffee. Let me preface this by saying that if you are a new reader to my blog, welcome, and once you have children you no longer own your life. People without kids will get all offended and wonder why you don’t talk to anyone anymore because they do not realize that you are driving to yoga, basketball, ecology club, girl scouts, school festivals at 7 in the DAMN MORNING....

AHHH!!!

Coffee. Sumantra. One Cream. Two Sugars. 

:P 

Let’s see who gets that. 

Step 2: Family calendar on the fridge. Yep, like the mini-van, this was something I swore that I was too cool to do (and yes I own a Dodge Grand Caravan and it’s NOT a van called the Porn Star), but here I am, all calendared. Use dry erase too, because you will have to change it about once week once husband has to work later, the basketball coach changes practice, your daughter has a fever on yoga night but wants to go to the make-up class. Just DO NOT let your eight year old have the marker, or at least my eight year old. He added colorful commentary. Here are some examples:

For 8/19/12 he wrote: Mom is gonna hug Mr. Canadian Hot Pants

For 8/20/12 he wrote: Mom is gonna leave Dad for Michael Shanks

For 9/28/12 he wrote: Mom is old. Laugh at her. 

For 12/24/12 he wrote: SANTA. Boo Yah

Ok, so maybe I put the marker down low because he amuses me. 

Step 3: The transportation. Which brings us to the van. Yes, you’re gonna have to get one or something damn close. You will fight. You will get an SUV that only fits one kid and barely the stroller. Then the sports equipment is next because you will have more bags of equipment than children and it does NOT fit in a cute little Prius. Nor do their friends because you will end up with those boogers too. Never fear. Just PIMP it out. I had a van in college I called the Porn Star which doesn’t exactly work when you are a parent BUT you can do some other fun things with it. Me? I got THESE: 

But of course, right? 

Step 4: Include your mother. Now, women in my family are kind of outspoken anyway, but I find that age just makes it worse. Way worse. My mom was cool as shit anyway, but now that she has NO filter. None. Take her to basketball games, practices and other venture that involve spectators. Here is a sample of her dialog, well, monologue rather. 

“Come on ref! Really? That is CLEARLY a GREEN ball!!” 

“He can’t make any kind of damn calls because he’s too fat to get in between the kids.” 

“Pass the ball! Coach tell them to pass the ball!!” 

“I need to coach this team.”

Have I mentioned how much I love this woman? 

Step 5: Know where the cops hide. Now, without fail you will have to go from the basketball game to theatre day and somehow pick up lunches and snacks in between and stop by the house and the two places are about 45 minutes away from each other.  I have come to the conclusion that cops in my area are not after REAL criminals but instead are after moms who are driving kids to activities. Why? We don’t carry guns. We don’t argue. We sit there, cry, take the ticket and then just pay it rather than go to court (which requires taking off work or a babysitter and makes us have to sit in a small room with scary people). So, know in advance where they hide so you slow down in time and floor it once you are past. 

Step 6: McDonald’s. Don’t judge me. They have milk and apples. Look, my life is so insane that I can’t do that cook all day Sunday mess to pre-pack food for the week. I sleep on Sunday, get up and write fan fiction or blog, or watch TV, or goof off with my friends and family. The Golden Arches is open at 5 a.m. and stays open till nearly midnight. Ergo, you can feed your spawn any time of the day. Just shake up your fast food choice. When you start going to the McDonald’s and they KNOW your six year old wants a mocha decaf McCafe, you might have a problem. 

Step 7: Remember that you're married. If you are lucky some of these activities are drop off, like theatre day, because they want you to be surprised when you come for the parent performance. Try to remember that you’re married because you are going to have to be with this person after the kid’s activities are gone. Go to lunch. Talk. Try to remember what life was like before the kids. Just remember to pick up the kids...

Step 8:  Learn the lingo.  Kids are much smarter than just falling for the “yeah” and “uh huh.” They see right through it.  So, I am, by no means, the expert on this but here are the things I have learned so far in their activities. Please feel free to add more in the comments section. 

Lay-up - Basketball shot from the side of the basket. Cool shot the kids want to make. 

Traveling - Moving the ball without dribbling. A no-no

Improv - Improvisational theatre, when the kids act on the spot in various scenarios. Hilarious. 

Downward Facing Dog - Yoga move and involves the kid being bent over in an A type position. Nothing to do with dogs, so your dearie isn’t gonna want a dog. 

Step 9:  Be prepared. This is more than just a nice Girl Scout motto. This kinda goes with owning the damn van because you need space for all this stuff. You will need a first aide kit with bandaids, Neosporin, Advil, Tylenol, gauze, alcohol swabs, q-tips, medical tape, cast materials, thermometers for every orifice of the body and in Fahrenheit, Celsius and kelvin. You will need general emergency supplies, tissues, toilet paper, plastic bags, extra coats, sweatshirts, sox, underwear, yoga mats, water bottles, a partridge and a pear tree. 

See why you need the damn van? 

Step 10:  Go to a home show.  See, it looks like a perfect soccer mom, family bonding experience and your mom will go and get excited over garden statues and whatnot, but guess what else is there. WINE. LOTS AND LOTS OF WINE. It’s not Spanish, but it’s Virginia wine and that is the BEST in the USA. It’s only $1 per tasting and you’ve got a wallet full of ones. 

Wait, that sounded bad. 

Or did it?

Daniel, hun, ya got a g-string? 

Yeah I went there. 

How to Get Your Kids Ready for School

How to Get Your Kids Ready for School

Subtitle: I’m writing this more for myself, in the hopes that while I do this I will take my own advice.

Fat chance.

36 days now. That’s like a month. Are you watching Doomsday Preppers? Ya should, just a suggestion.

Step 1: Have your significant other pack lunch since they have to get up an hour before you do. This lets you sleep longer, but also pawns off some work on your other because there was a point in your life where you went to parties, did crazy things, drove to strange places in the middle of the night, were the life of whatever event you were at but now you are a Room-mother and a Girl Scout mom while your husband (yes, it is usually the man - sorry) still manages to be the same person he has been for years so yes, he needs to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Gives you more Daniel time too...

Step 2: Use the Snooze button. Ok, maybe step one should have been go to bed before one a.m. or so but dammit, the house was so quiet that it was hard not to stay awake and just sit enjoying silence, beautiful, peaceful silence, like you are right now, the lingering Daniel Jackson dream still playing out in your head, his lips, his touch, his...

 “MOM!!!! WILL CALLED ME A BUTT CHICKEN AND YOU SAID WE COULDN’T SAY BUTT CHICKEN ANYMORE!!! 

This, my friends, is the reason I’m a fan girl. To escape THAT. 

Step 3: Coffee. Drag yourself up but even though your wonderful spousage most likely made those lunches, you will need to pack and repack their backpacks FIFTEEN times because for some unknown reason they have decided that there is a bouncy ball that they earned from the prize box, that you somehow missed because you would have taken that bitch out and HID it, that they needed this morning, right now, no waiting, while you were trying to tell yourself that you really were asleep wrapped in Daniel’s arms. Now, their homework, binder, everything is ALL OVER THE PLACE. Oh yeah, the coffee. That’s important. That’s what’s making you not just go back to bed and let them fend for themselves. 

Step 4: Don’t feed the cat the night before. Ok, fine, this should go before step one, but I’m only about a quarter of the way into my coffee and it really is seven in the morning as a I write this and the ONLY time I’m up at seven in the morning voluntarily is when I’ve been up all night shopping. Because, without fail, this morning, right now, as you are seriously contemplated running away to Vancouver to kidnap your celebrity love obsession, the cleanest creature living in your house by far will have decided to puke. Right in front of the silverware drawer. Seconds before Adorable Nerd needs a spoon for his cereal. And you will step right in it. It’s still warm. I’ve got coffee, anyone got an whiskey?

Step 5: Showers should be taken the night before because adding anything to the morning other than putting on clothes should be nixed. Just lay off of me for the list today, you can print it, cut and paste and reorder on your own damn time it is now seven in the morning for crying out loud! I have nothing else to say other than if coffee doesn’t wake you up having your six year old rolling in the floor laughing because she just pulled your seven year old’s towel off, as he is running upstairs naked holding his junk while she screams that she hid his tightie whities, that sure as hell will. But not in a good way. I need more coffee. Can I just go back to Daniel? 

Step 6: Start the countdown twenty minutes out to AIS. If you never watched “Everybody Loves Raymond” AIS = Ass in Seat. It is the exact moment when my ass will be in the driver’s seat putting the car into reverse so if you do not want to walk you need to get your ass into the passenger seat. This is how it goes down EVERY morning. 

Me: 20 minutes to bus.

Kids: Ok

Me (5 minutes later): 15 minutes to bus. 

Kids: Ok

Clare: Will stop watching TV. 

Me: (turns TV off). Go get your shoes on and brush your teeth. 

Me (5 minutes later): 10 minutes to bus. 

Will: Clare won’t go away. 

Me: What’s she hurting?

Will: Her presence makes me move slower. 

Me: Clare, go to the kitchen.

Me (5 minutes later): 5 minutes to bus. Are those teeth brushed? How about your hair?

Kids: We’re ready. 

Me: (Walking out the door): I am walking out of the door right now.

Will: WHERE ARE MY SHOES!!!

Clare: I HATE YOU WILL YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ME MISS SCHOOL. MOM CAN I HAVE A NEW BROTHER. 

The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Where’s my jacket? 

Step 7: Do not let them play with their pets. EVER. Even if by some miracle of Athena they’re ready to go twenty minutes early keep them away from anything furry including vomit cat. Because if not, they will pull the tail off the the gerbil, in a panic, as you give the AIS last call up the stairs, and then come downstairs screaming with a gerbil tail in their hand while the creature it is supposed to be attached to is upstairs, loose and bleeding. Trust me, nothing says parenthood like crawling all over the floor after a scared bloody gerbil that you have to wrap in a dishtowel to take with you to the bus stop only to come home and spend most of the day on the phone trying to figure out if this beloved pet is going to die. No worries, he’s fine - my sister is the president of her 4H club and works at a pet store, she fixed him right up. I just call him Stumpy. 

Step 8: Drive like the wind, maybe with a bloody animal in your hands, down your insane long OMA why do we live out here like this driveway, around the potholes your neighbors won’t have filled in because they cannot grasp the basic concept of road maintenance and are too stupid to just buy gravel and shovel themselves to drive over the plastic speed bumps installed by the stupidest of your stupid neighbors, because really SPEED is an issue in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, while lead stupid neighbor pulls out in front of you, slowing to a crawl and then stares down the bus driver like she does not belong on our private road picking up MY kids. I really hate these people, like madly, can someone PLEASE make them go away. And bring me another coffee. And Daniel. 

Step 9: Get on the bus. Kiss. Hug. I love you too. Go, no, go Mrs. T is waiting. Go, wait, where’s your coat? Did you brush your hair? Your teeth are yellow? No, I didn’t have time to get your coat, I was retrieving your gerbil who is bleeding on my yoga pants. Get on the bus, I will see you at three. Wait, Stumpy, stay in the dish towel!!!

Step 10: We know what this step SHOULD say but it is seven thirty a.m. I want wine. Badly. I want Daniel. More than words can express. I want to go back to bed but I have to log into work and deal with someone else’s kids.  So, let’s do some math. It’s gotta be 5 p.m. somewhere, right? One of your international readers? Have a glass, please, for me, and tweet me a pic. 

My twitter handle is @ladiosabri 

Thanks in advance. 

How to Raise Kids

How to Raise your Kids

Subtitle: Because, as a teacher, I’m kinda sick of doing it for you. And as a parent, I feel the need to share this with others. 

Step 1:  To have to not to have? Ok, let’s preface this entire entry with the most important question of all, Should I have children?  Now, before you answer this question, let me throw out a few things for you.  First, they will destroy your body/wife’s body, in ways that only plastic surgery can correct.  Second, you will not sleep for 18+ years. Third, these boogers cost roughly the amount of four Lambourgini’s just to get them to age 16. Fourth, you will forever be saying “I need to see if I can get a sitter.”  Does this all still sound appealing to you??? You sure?? Don’t do this because Grandma Doris wants to see more little ones before she dies, that’s a bad choice.  

Step 2: Make sure you are stable.  By stable, I don’t mean money wise, because as I have mentioned above, they cost more than you can imagine.  You will NEVER be ready for them financially, so just give up that piece of TV talk show advice.  By stable I mean sane.  Don’t wanna waste time here with an explanation.  Here’s a quiz: http://www.allthetests.com/quiz02/dasquiztd.php3?testid=1029124661  See what that says.  (By the way, if you were like, uh, is she serious, a stupid internet quiz and skipped over it, congrats, you are sane.  Proceed breeding.  If not, come back in a few years)

Step 3: Getting pregnant.  Now, I shouldn't need a step to explain how this happens, but if you really need to know I recommend this book, given to Hot Roommate and I by Awesome MIL to share with the kids: http://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-I-Come-From/dp/0818402539/ref=pd_sim_b_4 .  I would like to add that I, personally, at 31 years old am NOT mature enough to read this myself, much less to my kids, but if you are an adult looking for how this all works, it might be helpful.  It’s very detailed.....down to the tickle....

Step 4:  It starts with the bump.  No, literally, it does.  In fact, while you are pregnant every single freaking thing you eat, drink, or listen to can apparently effect your child.  And, to make matters worse your doctor will give you the book What to Expect When You Are Expecting and everyone will tell you it is the Bible of being pregnant but the truth of the matter is that it will SCARE THE HELL out of you!! Don’t read it!! Just don’t smoke, drink or eat junk food for 9 months.  You’ll live, trust me.  

Step 5:  Parenting a baby.  This is the really fun part because magically every person in a thousand mile radius all of a sudden is an expert on babies.  They want to tell you how to feed them and when, how and where they should sleep, whether or not you should hold them when they cry.  Lemme help you out here, with, of course, a chart.  

Baby Problem	Solution	Reason
Baby cries	Feed it - and it does not matter if you go boob or not.  The FDA would not approve formula if it killed your child, ok?	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Change it - Do you like wallowing in your own poop? I didn’t think so.	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Cuddle it - I mean, they are cute for a reason right.	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Let it sleep with you - They make these lovely little in your bed beds so you don’t squish the bugger, so look, no worries	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Call your mother- she has got to have something up her sleeve - for God’s sake  you did survive to adulthood somehow!?!?!?	You want to sleep.

Step 6: Parenting the toddler.  Ok, once the little booger stands up, we can call it a toddler.  They are so cute and destructive at this age.  And bold. Very bold.  And smart. Very smart.  They are still little enough that these devious little bastards will use their cuteness as a weapon against you, especially in front of other people.  They will climb up on the ottoman, reach up to your sofa table and knock over an antique bust of Athena made of marble into the floor, look right at you like “So there b$*@ch, put fancy antiques in my reach again” and just when you go to yell, they look at your friends and start to cry like you are beating them daily.  Which you want to. But you can’t.  Instead, buy a chair.  A really really really uncomfortable chair.  Call it the “Naughty Place” like Super Nanny does because that’s just fun to say. Allow them to spend the next two years sitting right there.  

Step 7: Parenting the elementary age, otherwise know as the age of ENDLESS NEEDINESS.  You think baby age was bad..... try 7.  First, to them, you are a complete and total moron and everything you say must be questioned.  Then, when you are trying to enjoy your nightly glass of Spanish wine, they are all over you like a damn puppy, rubbing their face on your arm and you are like is this shit normal and your mom and those stupid what to expect books that I told you not to buy but you did anyway start talking about attachment parenting so you start to doubt yourself... STOP!!! JUST STOP!!! Get up and go get your kids one of two things: A Puppy or a Hobby.  When my daughter wants to do this, again not normal cuddly but this needy-freaky crap, I tell her to get her Guinea Pig. For my son, I pull out the Legos.  Problem solved.  You’re welcome.  

Step 8: Welcome to puberty.  Now as parents we worry to death about puberty, for a variety of reasons, mostly revolving around sex.  Ok, time to scare the crap out of you.  They ALREADY know what it is!! They do!!! Even if they don’t watch a lot of TV, they KNOW!! Back at Step 7!!! Yeah, that thew me for a loop too.  So, don’t worry about “the talk”, you get to have another talk instead.  That talk goes like this:  

Parent: If you kiss a boy/girl your lips will fall off of your face and you will have to paint on a smile like the Joker.  

Child: No mom/dad. I know that’s not true.  

Parent: And, if you go further, well, then you might die on the inside too.  

Child: Mom/Dad, I know what sex is. Can we not talk about this????

Parent (walking to closet): Fine, you know what it is?  I would like to show you and your boyfriend/girlfriend my gun collection.

Trust me, all parents think like this.  Including my celeb love (For new readers, that’d be Michael Shanks, I like to work him in, it’s fun).  In fact, he tweeted something similar and that was the VERY reason that my husband now follows him on Twitter.  Jack’s reasoning “You can like him. He’s a smart man. Wants to kill people that mess with his daughter too...”  all the while stroking his shotgun lovingly (What have I done to my yuppie yankee husband!?!)  

Step 9:  The teen years. Really these are the EASY years; I promise. Just take their spark plugs.  That’s it. And have their friend’s parents do the same.  They can talk smack all they want, stranded on their iPhones in a car they are too stupid to know how to fix.  

Step 10: This is why you need wine..... If you are not a drinker I believe as soon as you stop breastfeeding is a good time to start.  Shoot me an email. I can make recommendations.  They start with Spanish Wine.  

How to Survive a Road Trip with Kids

How to survive a road trip with kids

Subtitle: Seriously babe, we are doing this again? For 12 hours? Why aren’t we on the train? A plane? Fine, fine, just mount up.  

Step 1: Pre-threaten your children. Any good parent has learned the fine art of pre-threatening. This is where you lay out the worst case scenario possible of what could go wrong on this trip and explain explicitly to your children how much pain you will inflict on them if they DARE cross you or create any of the above mentioned situations.  I prefer to do this in Spanish so anyone close to me will not know what I am saying and therefore cannot call Child Protective Services. 

Step 2: Get the car looked at. This is more for your husband’s piece of mind than to prepare your children, but the argument can be made that any instance of breaking down on the side of the road 8 hours from home with two children under the age of ten is something we want to avoid anyway. What you need to be careful of in particular is that you go to a mechanic you trust so they do not see the panicked look in your spouse’s eyes of “please for the love of all things holy do not let us break down with these damn kids” and take you for every dime you have. That you need for tolls.  And gas.  Because we can invent damn phones that have conversations with you and act like butlers but we are still using dinosaurs corpses to make our vehicles move. That makes sense....

Step 3: The hourly gift. This is a little gem I stole from my mom.  Go to the dollar store and for every hour of the trip buy a small toy/candy/coloring book/object for your little one.  I have two kids and the trip to the in-laws is 12 hours so I buy 24 little things.  $24 you think.  Heck no! I hit the 2/$1 or 4/$1 bins or I bust up a multipack.  Why an hour? First, it is easy to count and second it takes about 40 minutes before whining starts.  If you make the gift giving an entire process, it can kill each hour successfully.  Until they are 5.  Then they catch on. Keep reading if your kids are older than 5. 

Step 4: Plan your travel. TRAVEL AT NIGHT.  I cannot stress this enough.  First, and hopefully quite obvious, is that your children will be asleep.  And you want them unconscious for as much of this as possible, right? I mean, didn’t someone even write a children’s book called “Go the F to sleep” or something like that? I knew I wasn’t alone.  Plus, not only will they be asleep, but no one is on the darn road except truckers.  Now, truckers get a bad rap, but what is way worse than truckers are Prius drivers who think their little plastic car has super powers enabling them to teleport in front of you and those trucks without signals.  Fortunately, Prius owners have their little eco-friendly pup tents popped in a state park at night so you can avoid them too.  

Step 5: MOVIES MOVIES MOVIES or TV.... You’re too lazy to shoot 5 hours energies every two hours to make it through the night, whatever.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  However, since I pity you I am strongly advising you to invest in one of these: http://www.bestbuy.com/site/Philips+-+9%22+Widescreen+Portable+DVD+Player+with+Dual+Screens/9468952.p;jsessionid=C5A7862D721865A4B07A4008AC6C929A.bbolsp-app01-02?id=1218110421046&skuId=9468952

This is a portable DVD player and it will SAVE YOUR LIFE.  Unless you have one kid they will fight over the iPad or the computer, so the two screen are important.  If the trip is long, alternate between the children’s selections.  If you are having a hard time deciding what to show, remember Star Wars?  Kid crack? Once they hear that first ‘duh duh’ of the music the car will drop to silence.  

    

  Side note: If you travel at night, you might still want to get one of these just in case.  After all, worst case scenario, you can watch Michael Shanks movies (or preferably Stargate) the entire way there.  Yummy...

Step 6: Drugs. Not for you!! You are driving.  I mean for the kids.  Now, I don’t do this because we are health nuts, but I have friends who give the kids Benadryl right before leaving at night and boom, they are out for at least 10 hours.  This creeps me out, but it works... 

Step 7: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Mom, when are we getting there? Dad, can we stop? I have to pee.  No, I can’t hold it. I really have to go.  There’s a McDonald’s!!! No, mom I really have to pee; I don’t want a happy meal.  Thanks for stopping, I thought I was going to explode.  Since we’re here, can I get a Happy Meal? ...... I don’t even want to hear it.  See Step 4 and you could have avoided this entire mess. 

Step 8: Learn to LIE.  Even if you are driving thought the night the kids might wake up at some point.  When they ask, are we there yet, with a smile on your face reply “In about a half an hour.”  Most kids have no concept of time, so they will accept this at least three times in a row before they question you.  If you are driving at night, they will fall back asleep before they can ask again.  If you are a moron and are driving during daylight hours, just change the DVD.

Step 9: The last leg.  At this point in the trip I am done. If hubby has allowed me to actually drive any of the trip it is NOT this part because I am not a morning person regardless of whether or not I have gone to sleep.  Everyone who knows me knows this, in fact, my students will message me “Have you had your coffee yet?” BEFORE they try to ask me a serious question.  However, I have to stay awake to cheer on hubby for this last part of the journey.  Enter Siri, my dearest friend.  On Siri before we leave I create a playlist, and I call it Abydoys (we know where this is going, don’t we??).  I set a four song pattern, three that will make me blissfully daydream about making Daniel Jackson forget that any other woman in the universe ever existed (Not Michael Shanks, I love him, but he is married to a cool and gorgeous lady. Oh, me being married? In my fantasies, I am not me, so it is all good :-) ) and the fourth song to remind me that my husband is driving and to snap out of it and make sure he has not fallen asleep.  Kids at this point, still konked. 

Step 10: Mom!!! *Big hug for awesome mother in law* We’re here! You got me Spanish wine? In advance!! You shouldn’t have (BIG LIE)!! Thank you but it’s only 9 a.m. (And I haven’t slept in over 24 hours) but yes, I will have a glass.  A big glass. 

How to Survive a Playdate

How to Survive a Play Date

Subtitle - For some asinine reason you have to now be friends with the parents of the kids your kids know and they are 99% of the time ape-shit crazy.

Step 1: What in the hell is a Play Date you may ask? A play date is just what the title implies, it is a date to play.  Yes, and I want someone to research this and get back to me, but in the 21st century kids don’t just go over one another’s houses any more to play.  Their parents come along.  And you have to sit there. And entertain them too.  Wait, you might be asking, doesn’t that help you out? Aren’t they there to watch their own kid so your kid can play AND you don’t have to worry about yelling at another kid? No, they’re not. They STILL don’t. They would rather sit and gossip to you about every other mother in your kid’s class, every other woman in the neighborhood, or any other woman you might possibly have dirt on while their little brat rips around you house.  Note I say women. This is because men are smart enough not to agree to this. 

Step 2: Now that you know what a play date is, how do you arrange one? Let’s begin with how NOT book a play date.  Do NOT buy play date cards. What’s a play date card? Google it, because I don’t want to get sued by putting a link to one here.  I’ll wait; I’ve got a shirtless pic of Michael Shanks on my desktop to stare at while I wait.  Found them, didn’t you? Yeah, they are for real. No, this is not Victorian England; I think that anything on HBO is proof of that.  Insane, right? Don’t do that.  Instead, in an effort to try to normalize this ridiculous trend, try a good old fashioned hand-shake and “Are you and your kids free this Saturday?” Since you are asking like humans used to do before technology, you might actually get a normal person, since the neo-yuppie-parenting magazine- show-offs will not understand something that did not come from their iPhone. (Not that I don’t love iPhones - Siri and I are TIGHT, not like that, ugh, stop.) 

Step 3:  You’ve gotten someone to agree to come over.  Someone who knows how to speak to another human being. Excellent.  Now you must prepare.  

HIDE EVERYTHING OF VALUE!!!!!

Now, first, obviously, you have never had this little demon in your house.  Granted they could be the nicest child on the planet, but they could also could be the incarnate of Lucifer himself.  You don’t want anything broken and if you are like me you also need to move your expensive antique furniture to your bedroom because while you might have trained your kids to not act like animals chances are you are the only one.  However, the  irony in all of this is that you also need to hide these things from the parent guest because they will start right in “complimenting” your home.  By “complimenting” I mean scrutinizing the hell out of it.  In my case, I get the “Awww... your house is so pretty, how can you afford it on a teacher’s salary.” This is where my posting on “How to not punch a $%@*@ in the $&@*!” comes into play (see Monday May 7th 2012). The best way to avoid this is to hide everything.  Scan your house, look for anything that might be a conversation piece and HIDE IT.  That way, you don’t need to keep your bail list handy.  

Step 4: Plan some kind of activity.  Again, this kills two birds with one stone.  First, you are occupying junior to an extent and saving your home from imminent destruction.  Second, you are keeping mom near junior, where hopefully she will be less likely to gossip in front of little ears.  Just don’t plan a craft. A craft, especially involving glue, glitter or paint defeats the entire purpose of planning an activity.  I suggest something that is simple but takes a really long time.  Something like frisbee or kickball.  That keeps everyone outside and wipes the little boogers out.  

Step 5: Have a back up plan. It might rain, in which case you need a good indoor activity.  For such an activity, I recommend a puzzle or a board game.  Here is why: since there are often small pieces and complicated rules you will need to help your child play and therefore you can avoid the above mentioned mommy conversation.  A puzzle or a game also keeps them confined to one room and helps avoid the TV conversation.  Again, for your newbies, this is the part of the parent conversation where your visitor now lectures you on everything that they allow their child to watch, do not allow their child to watch and try to persuade you to agree with them.  Whatever their reasons, they all come from the Puritan influence on our society, which will be a later co-post I am working on with a friend.  

Step 6: Food. Every play date involves snack time. THIS is where you can play your hand, a hand that will either give a signal to the parent that you want them back or can send them running.  Why? Because the judgment by the other parent continues!! You think they are only looking at your house, your activity choice, your television restrictions, but now they get to criticize your food.  We eat pretty healthy around here and I have been told that parents ‘feel sorry’ for my kids because they eat fruit and carrots for snacks.  Yeah, true story.  Breathe in, breathe out.  So, look, just do this, buy a box of those Capri Suns and get some Chex Mix.  Honestly, I have had very few people complain about this one because Capri Suns don’t have dyes and are lower in calories and Chex Mix is low fat and tastes good and the store bought kind does not have peanuts, so no allergy warnings.  And, it’s cheap. We don’t really want to spend money on this, do we? That is of course if you want them to come back.  If you don’t, simply serve the opposite of what they have been preaching this entire play date. Or buy Hershey bars.  Most people still think that sugar makes kids hyper, even though it has been disproven OVER AND OVER (proof: http://www.livestrong.com/article/496233-does-sugar-really-make-you-hyper/) but most people do not read anything that has big words. If you serve the Hershey Bars then the parent will hate you forever and never bring their brat back.  You might not even needs steps 7-10!!! (Well you always needs step 10, but we have learned what that is, haven’t we?) 

P.S. - Hershey Bars will work even if your neo-yuppie-parent magazine guest knows sugar does not make kids hyper because it is chocolate and chocolate has caffeine.  Need I say more? 

Step 7: The conversation.  Even if you have taken all of my steps above to heart, you will still need to interact, to an extent, with the other parent.  Again, the direction that you take depends on whether or not at this point you want this person(s) back in your home.  If you do, have at it and talk it up. Enjoy yourself and keep thinking that I was making all of this up and play dates are not so bad.  However, chances are that you are dying inside.  In which case, here is my advice.  Play crazy.  I am not kidding here.  And not institutional crazy, some of these crazies will call Child Protective Services on you, but bored mommy crazy. Hobby/obsession/fan crazy.  Bet you know what mine is...The minutes the words “I am in love with Daniel Jackson would you like to read my Stargate insert character fan fiction,” cross my lips, the play date might as well be over.  Now, I think there is nothing wrong with writing cheesy Mary Sue insert character fan fiction, especially since mine was all written late a night when my kids were asleep, my hubby was working, Primetime TV was sucking and I was bored and awake, but most people think that not only being a fan of something NOT trending on Twitter AND actually writing or doing something creative about it is insane. Completely insane.  AND most other parents think that the only women that like Science Fiction are either a) really boys or b) desperate fan-girls with no lives , so when me, normal mom with life mentions that I like it, the annoying moms go running.  Works every time.

Step 8: Ending the play date.  So soon, you think? At only step 8? Yes, we are through with this. Before the play date itself starts, have your out preplanned.  Make yourself sound sooooo busy, that you are trying sooooo hard to squeeze this play date in because our kids as friends in soooo important.  Makes yuppie mom feel good about herself, and she needs that. Lets you set limits and you need those more.  Come up with something concrete that you would never be able to get out of.  I like to use family members, i.e. my mom has this huge farm and I promised to help her when the farrier came, etc.  Then, as soon as you get annoyed by your caller, you can look at the clock, act shocked about the time and leap up, trying to frantically prepare for your second appointment.  Most people will take the hint and start to get their brat ready.  If not, just go tell your kids they have to say goodbye to their friend and start cleaning up.  After the clean-up, their little urchin will start whining that there is nothing to do now that the toys are away, and that should clue them in.  

Step 9: Unless the play date went spectacularly well, OR you invited someone over you actually like that just happens to have kids, you will need to sit down and explain to your own kids that Child X cannot come over to play again because they are an impudent hellion and their parent is certifiable without using those words.  Rather than give you an example here, I will give you a script.  “Honey, I hope you had fun today.  I was talking to _________ ‘s mommy today and everyone is so busy that it might be a long time before we can get together to play again, but we will try.”  Come on! It’s not lying!!  It’s called “Withholding the truth.”  We do that all of the time about sex with the kids and it is suddenly wrong here? Damn Puritans. Just do it, ok? Haven’t you learned to trust me yet?!

Step 10: You survived.... until next time.  Who the hell knows when this trend will end? I mean, today you have to do it for your seven year old, but if stupid parenting trends take this into the tween years, well I don’t know about you, but that might call for drastic measures over here.  I will start planning them now and keep you posted.  But for now, let’s not think about that, let’s pull out that Spanish wine and send your angel off to play by themselves.  And pull up that fan fic... because Daniel Jackson doesn’t have any damn kids... (Michael Shanks on the other hand does, which is why we are using Daniel here.  I wonder if he goes through this shit too? Hmmmmm....) 

How to Survive a Birthday Party

How to Survive a Birthday Party

Subtitle: A year by year guide to surviving what will easily come become the most nerve wracking day of the year, or days of the year, depending on how many times you decide to multiply. 

This entry is going to be slightly different. I have replaced the steps with the years and am grouping the ages slightly. No worries, you will still be amused.  I live to serve. 

Year 1: What a sweet year...  The year you are still reading parenting books and magazines and looking up cute things on Pinterest.  Every soul in a five mile radius wants to come and celebrate this big day with your family. How sweet!! (Sarcasm there, followed by some barfing noises and other obscene phrases). Look people, let me make this simple for you.  The kid is one. They are not going to remember anything.  Your parents, they don’t care what the theme is.  Your friends? If they have kids, they are laughing at you because they remember being just as stupid and if they don’t have kids they are making a mental list of what you are doing wrong as if they are going to do so much better.  So, who are you trying to impress? For this major milestone you only need ONE thing.  Just ONE.  A cake for the baby.  Big, little, chocolate, vanilla, hypoallergenic, whatever.  Something fun that your child can eat.  Sing the song and plop that bad boy in front of him/her and let’em go to town.  Don’t worry about food for everyone else. Trust me, no one wants to eat after seeing that.  

Years 2 -5: Ahhh.... the kid party years.  The years where you are still stupid enough to invite a ton of people and possibly every child at daycare or every child at homeschool playgroup despite the fact that NONE of them can behave and you hate their parents.  You might think it is ok to bring these little demons into your home and have a cute little party in your front yard, where the children will frolic joyously and blow bubbles. Please get the hell off of Pinterest and cancel that damn magazine subscription. Those parties NEVER work like they do on TV. And you have to talk to the children, not just sip wine spritzers and gossip about the neighborhood. Ergo, here is my solution: Chuck E. Cheese.  DON’T click away.  Allow me to explain.  You guys mentioned you liked charts.  Here’s another one: 

Party Item	How Chuck E Cheese takes care of it	How this helps you
Invitations	Have both eVite or printable option	The moment other parents see the words “Chuck E. Cheese” they will scream in terror.  This eliminates all annoying idiots and brats from your party because only true friends will suffer this with you.
Entertainment	Tokens, Games, Loudness	Not only does this help you avoid having to book other stupid party things, like clowns, magicians or Moonbounces, but the place is so damn loud and insane that you just hand out tokens and let them go with no worries of them terrorizing anything in your home.
Food	Pizza... and some other stuff...	Look, to adults, it tastes like crap, but the kids love it.  You didn’t have to cook.  And you don’t have to clean it up.  It’s a win, win.  Just bring yourself a protein shake; it will get you through a few hours.
Cake/Ice Cream	They sell these too.  Extra cost. Of course.	This actually does not taste bad.  And they make it all cute and bring it out singing. You can bring your own cake, but honey, if you have never transported a child’s birthday cake before, let’s not start now.  It is a life experience one does not need. Your car will thank you.
Goodie Bags	Either you can buy extra OR the kids get their own crap with the tickets!!	The last thing we think of are those “compete with the last parent who had a party” damn goodie bags.  This is better than that crap - this is CREATE YOUR OWN.  AND, you don’t have to worry about allergies!

Years 6-10: My own children are in this range.  This is a nice range, because I have managed to ELIMINATE BIRTHDAY PARTIES!!! Mwa ha ha!!! Here is how I did it:  Travel!! I let them pick a place to go for the night or for the weekend and we travel.  AND if the place is close, you can let them bring ONE friend (I opted for a cousin myself because if I break him there are fewer legal repercussions.... kidding, Heather, kidding....). This year the kids picked The Great Wolf Lodge and my kids are talking about DC/Medieval Times for next year.  But wait, it gets better!! You can influence these decisions as well, so YOU get to travel.  However, you need to make sure that you have thought out your argument and keep your spouse out of it.  I tried to convince my daughter that Canada might be fun at dinner one night.  Hubby looked up and asked what we would do there. I happily listed off some fun activities to do in Toronto. Hubby told me that list did not include stalking the Saving Hope studio and if we were to go to Toronto that activity would not be added.  Trick to use daughter’s travel present as an excuse to meet Michael Shanks - THWARTED BY HUSBAND!!! Damn him.  Next time, I will do that convincing while he is at work :-)

Years 11-15: The Limo.  I credit my mom with this idea.  Tweens and young teens love limos. You really do not have to do anything else but rent a limo.  My mom managed to completely entertain without complaints eight 13-year-olds for well over an hour with a Hummer Limo that had a slot machine.  Granted, 13 year olds cannot gamble, so the limo driver gave the kids a bunch of dimes and then swapped their winnings for candy, but they were so thoroughly entertained that when the ride was over and they were arriving for dinner, they didn’t want to eat. THIRTEEN year olds turning down food!! For a Limo!?! Yeah, it’s true.  And, like above, there is no clean-up, no people at your house and due to the size a party with a limited amount of children.  Maybe you can even avoid food if the limo driver has enough candy.

Years 16-18: Bonfire. Now, I know what you are thinking, what the hell happened to keeping people out of your house? The key here is that you DON’T have these children in your house.  Stack a bunch of trees in a pile like a teepee, pour on some lighter fluid and BOOM.  Get everyone to bring a covered dish and make your teenagers significant other grill the hotdogs (or if this is a party for a boy, make him do the grilling).  If you have some extra cash, since you are probably only buying hot dogs and sodas, get a Port-o-potty and THEN you can keep the dirty little heathens 100% out of your house.  At about 9 or 10 p.m. (later if you are feeling adventurous) start pulling out the marshmallows and campfire songs.  The teens will flee en masse. 

Years 19+: Your ass is GROWN.  Throw your own damn party.  Don’t you have a job? Do you realize how much these stupid things have cost me for the past 18 years?  Where is my party? What about 21 you say? Fine, I will buy you a drink.  Spanish wine.  You are gonna need it from here on out.  Might as well start now.