How to be a Soccer Mom

How to be a Soccer Mom (or a Basketball Mom, Theatre Mom, Yoga Mom - WTF aren’t you guys in)

Subtitle: Modern parenting 101

SubSubTitle: The basketball game starts at WHAT time!?!? 

Step 1: Coffee. Let me preface this by saying that if you are a new reader to my blog, welcome, and once you have children you no longer own your life. People without kids will get all offended and wonder why you don’t talk to anyone anymore because they do not realize that you are driving to yoga, basketball, ecology club, girl scouts, school festivals at 7 in the DAMN MORNING....

AHHH!!!

Coffee. Sumantra. One Cream. Two Sugars. 

:P 

Let’s see who gets that. 

Step 2: Family calendar on the fridge. Yep, like the mini-van, this was something I swore that I was too cool to do (and yes I own a Dodge Grand Caravan and it’s NOT a van called the Porn Star), but here I am, all calendared. Use dry erase too, because you will have to change it about once week once husband has to work later, the basketball coach changes practice, your daughter has a fever on yoga night but wants to go to the make-up class. Just DO NOT let your eight year old have the marker, or at least my eight year old. He added colorful commentary. Here are some examples:

For 8/19/12 he wrote: Mom is gonna hug Mr. Canadian Hot Pants

For 8/20/12 he wrote: Mom is gonna leave Dad for Michael Shanks

For 9/28/12 he wrote: Mom is old. Laugh at her. 

For 12/24/12 he wrote: SANTA. Boo Yah

Ok, so maybe I put the marker down low because he amuses me. 

Step 3: The transportation. Which brings us to the van. Yes, you’re gonna have to get one or something damn close. You will fight. You will get an SUV that only fits one kid and barely the stroller. Then the sports equipment is next because you will have more bags of equipment than children and it does NOT fit in a cute little Prius. Nor do their friends because you will end up with those boogers too. Never fear. Just PIMP it out. I had a van in college I called the Porn Star which doesn’t exactly work when you are a parent BUT you can do some other fun things with it. Me? I got THESE: 

But of course, right? 

Step 4: Include your mother. Now, women in my family are kind of outspoken anyway, but I find that age just makes it worse. Way worse. My mom was cool as shit anyway, but now that she has NO filter. None. Take her to basketball games, practices and other venture that involve spectators. Here is a sample of her dialog, well, monologue rather. 

“Come on ref! Really? That is CLEARLY a GREEN ball!!” 

“He can’t make any kind of damn calls because he’s too fat to get in between the kids.” 

“Pass the ball! Coach tell them to pass the ball!!” 

“I need to coach this team.”

Have I mentioned how much I love this woman? 

Step 5: Know where the cops hide. Now, without fail you will have to go from the basketball game to theatre day and somehow pick up lunches and snacks in between and stop by the house and the two places are about 45 minutes away from each other.  I have come to the conclusion that cops in my area are not after REAL criminals but instead are after moms who are driving kids to activities. Why? We don’t carry guns. We don’t argue. We sit there, cry, take the ticket and then just pay it rather than go to court (which requires taking off work or a babysitter and makes us have to sit in a small room with scary people). So, know in advance where they hide so you slow down in time and floor it once you are past. 

Step 6: McDonald’s. Don’t judge me. They have milk and apples. Look, my life is so insane that I can’t do that cook all day Sunday mess to pre-pack food for the week. I sleep on Sunday, get up and write fan fiction or blog, or watch TV, or goof off with my friends and family. The Golden Arches is open at 5 a.m. and stays open till nearly midnight. Ergo, you can feed your spawn any time of the day. Just shake up your fast food choice. When you start going to the McDonald’s and they KNOW your six year old wants a mocha decaf McCafe, you might have a problem. 

Step 7: Remember that you're married. If you are lucky some of these activities are drop off, like theatre day, because they want you to be surprised when you come for the parent performance. Try to remember that you’re married because you are going to have to be with this person after the kid’s activities are gone. Go to lunch. Talk. Try to remember what life was like before the kids. Just remember to pick up the kids...

Step 8:  Learn the lingo.  Kids are much smarter than just falling for the “yeah” and “uh huh.” They see right through it.  So, I am, by no means, the expert on this but here are the things I have learned so far in their activities. Please feel free to add more in the comments section. 

Lay-up - Basketball shot from the side of the basket. Cool shot the kids want to make. 

Traveling - Moving the ball without dribbling. A no-no

Improv - Improvisational theatre, when the kids act on the spot in various scenarios. Hilarious. 

Downward Facing Dog - Yoga move and involves the kid being bent over in an A type position. Nothing to do with dogs, so your dearie isn’t gonna want a dog. 

Step 9:  Be prepared. This is more than just a nice Girl Scout motto. This kinda goes with owning the damn van because you need space for all this stuff. You will need a first aide kit with bandaids, Neosporin, Advil, Tylenol, gauze, alcohol swabs, q-tips, medical tape, cast materials, thermometers for every orifice of the body and in Fahrenheit, Celsius and kelvin. You will need general emergency supplies, tissues, toilet paper, plastic bags, extra coats, sweatshirts, sox, underwear, yoga mats, water bottles, a partridge and a pear tree. 

See why you need the damn van? 

Step 10:  Go to a home show.  See, it looks like a perfect soccer mom, family bonding experience and your mom will go and get excited over garden statues and whatnot, but guess what else is there. WINE. LOTS AND LOTS OF WINE. It’s not Spanish, but it’s Virginia wine and that is the BEST in the USA. It’s only $1 per tasting and you’ve got a wallet full of ones. 

Wait, that sounded bad. 

Or did it?

Daniel, hun, ya got a g-string? 

Yeah I went there. 

How to Start the Christmas Season

How to Start the Christmas Season

Subtitle: I am usually forced to be in this. This year I decided to watch. That might have been a bad choice. 

Step 1: Leave early. Yes, the parade starts at 2, but since I live in a small town it is literally the only thing going on except for buy on get one free Starbucks, which I’d like to add is pretty damn amazing in an of itself. However, you would think that since the parade starts at 2:15 and the road (yes THE ROAD not ROADS) close at 2 you would have plently of time to get there if you leave at 1:20 and live fifteen minutes away.  It’s not. How in the hell did so many people move out here without my noticing. Who are you people? I went to high school with the whole town and I don’t know you? Who are you? Regardless, get out of my way. My mom is calling again. For the tenth time. I need wine already. 

Step 2: Wear clothes. First, I feel like this is a step in every other blog. Should I just write an entry on dressing properly? Like always?  Aren’t you cold? Ok, let’s just for a moment disregard the morons wearing t-shirts and shorts in forty degree weather, let’s just focus on these people. See them? Have you seen them on www.peoplepfwalmart.com . Yup, they live here, in my town.  Forget anything else you might have to say about their attire.  Dem bitches GOT to be cold. 

Step 3: Find a place to sit. After you have recovered from the site above, you need to find a place to sit.  Don’t let your mother pick, because she seems to think it is ok to sit by the gutter. It’s a hole, she insists. Yes mom, it is called a gutter and the kids will drop something down there and it will be the end of the world. Mom goes on to ask kids if they want to sit over the hole. It’s a gutter mom. Shut up, she says, I’ve been working all morning. Touche mom, touche. Carry on. 

Step 4: Listen to your mother talk to inanimate objects. Seriously, my mother is hysterical anyway, but to hear her after she has worked and running on little sleep is even better. First, we have the hole incident. Next, my mom starts yelling at people trying to drive into the parade like they can hear her. Then, once my Stargate jacket is recognized (No morons here I am not a veteran - does the GIGANTIC SG-1 patch not give it away!?!?) then my mother proceeds to tell every person on the curb we were sitting on that I drove 14 hours to hug Michael Shanks, that he wished me a Happy Birthday and doesn't do it that much anymore and wished me luck on my half marathon, switching in an instant to why the cops should not tell stupid people to move away from the train track because they deserve to be hit if  they are stupid. God I love her. 

Step 5: Then watch your mom tell off some yuppies. This entire entry has very quickly gone to enjoy a Christmas parade to my mom is the funniest woman alive. Hands down.  Lesson here is that if you show up to a small town parade in your Ralph Lauren sweaters and your $1000 stroller and party right in front of us my mom will TELL YOU OFF. And not with swears or anything, she will say the most downright mean things that you will not understand because you are not as smart as she is. So move. Because if you don’t she might actually switch to the swears. 

Step 6: The parade begins! Did I mention way back in step 1 to pack some blankets. Oops, but in my defense I thought it felt a lot warmer at home. It’s not. The kids are crawling into your lap while you try to film the parade for your grandparents and online friends, complaining of cold, wind, life, hunger, anything they can possibly whine about rather than watch the actual parade. 

Me: Sit up. Watch the parade. 

Kids: We’re bored. 

Me: Why?!? Here comes the band. 

Kids: They don’t have any candy. 

I give up on parenting. 

Step 7: Bring some kind of back-up to your cell phone. So, you are trying to be a good grand daughter and film the parade but of course your phone is a bing bonging and dying and bleeping and blooping and some of those hicks in your small town keep walking in front of you because since you are not shouldering a 10,000 pound VHS camcorder they are completely unaware that you are recording and when the person in their group with teeth notices you are filming they lean all over in your face mystified at how that contraption works. Long story short, just bring a camcorder.

Step 8: Back to mom. My cell phone battery died so I sadly did not get this on tape. About .2 seconds AFTER my phone gave me the hell no came the classic cars and my mom in RARE form. Here’s a snippet of the conversation (well, monologue really)

Mom: That’s not a mustang, I don’t know why Ford even allowed that car to be made. Will, do you see that? THAT is not a car. Now THAT, that’s a chevelle. THAT’s a car. I almost wrecked one of those drag racing on the boulevard. Yeah, woo hoo (yelling at drivers) THAT’s an engine, rev that up!!! No, keep driving, no one cares about that car, it shouldn’t be in the parade, (back to the drivers) that’s right I LOVE IT!! WHOO HOOO. They don’t make cars like that anymore. THAT’s a car, not that stupid mess they drive now, just LOOK at that. Brianne? Did your camera die? You have GOT to be filming this for your sister. 

Did I mention my mom is AWESOME?

Step 9: Get OUT of there. No really, you vaguely remember from the scout meeting where they discussed this (you were only half listening because your troop decided to skip this year) that they are like 115 floats and you’ve been sitting on a cold curb for over an hour, the kids are whining, you have forgotten your wallet and even though you are sitting on the curb in FRONT of the coffee shop you can’t buy a damn thing and THERE is Santa, yes kids, get up, these city folks who came to town to watch do not know that Santa is code for leave.  Run. If we make it to the car we might beat the train.

Step 10: End of the World beer.  Noticed I forgot the countdown, didn’t you? I didn’t it just got it’s own step. We have 32 days. Shock Top is now making End of the World Beer. Party City is carrying End of the World Decor. They know. They all know. 

Drink up now while you still can...

How to Get Your Kids Ready for School

How to Get Your Kids Ready for School

Subtitle: I’m writing this more for myself, in the hopes that while I do this I will take my own advice.

Fat chance.

36 days now. That’s like a month. Are you watching Doomsday Preppers? Ya should, just a suggestion.

Step 1: Have your significant other pack lunch since they have to get up an hour before you do. This lets you sleep longer, but also pawns off some work on your other because there was a point in your life where you went to parties, did crazy things, drove to strange places in the middle of the night, were the life of whatever event you were at but now you are a Room-mother and a Girl Scout mom while your husband (yes, it is usually the man - sorry) still manages to be the same person he has been for years so yes, he needs to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Gives you more Daniel time too...

Step 2: Use the Snooze button. Ok, maybe step one should have been go to bed before one a.m. or so but dammit, the house was so quiet that it was hard not to stay awake and just sit enjoying silence, beautiful, peaceful silence, like you are right now, the lingering Daniel Jackson dream still playing out in your head, his lips, his touch, his...

 “MOM!!!! WILL CALLED ME A BUTT CHICKEN AND YOU SAID WE COULDN’T SAY BUTT CHICKEN ANYMORE!!! 

This, my friends, is the reason I’m a fan girl. To escape THAT. 

Step 3: Coffee. Drag yourself up but even though your wonderful spousage most likely made those lunches, you will need to pack and repack their backpacks FIFTEEN times because for some unknown reason they have decided that there is a bouncy ball that they earned from the prize box, that you somehow missed because you would have taken that bitch out and HID it, that they needed this morning, right now, no waiting, while you were trying to tell yourself that you really were asleep wrapped in Daniel’s arms. Now, their homework, binder, everything is ALL OVER THE PLACE. Oh yeah, the coffee. That’s important. That’s what’s making you not just go back to bed and let them fend for themselves. 

Step 4: Don’t feed the cat the night before. Ok, fine, this should go before step one, but I’m only about a quarter of the way into my coffee and it really is seven in the morning as a I write this and the ONLY time I’m up at seven in the morning voluntarily is when I’ve been up all night shopping. Because, without fail, this morning, right now, as you are seriously contemplated running away to Vancouver to kidnap your celebrity love obsession, the cleanest creature living in your house by far will have decided to puke. Right in front of the silverware drawer. Seconds before Adorable Nerd needs a spoon for his cereal. And you will step right in it. It’s still warm. I’ve got coffee, anyone got an whiskey?

Step 5: Showers should be taken the night before because adding anything to the morning other than putting on clothes should be nixed. Just lay off of me for the list today, you can print it, cut and paste and reorder on your own damn time it is now seven in the morning for crying out loud! I have nothing else to say other than if coffee doesn’t wake you up having your six year old rolling in the floor laughing because she just pulled your seven year old’s towel off, as he is running upstairs naked holding his junk while she screams that she hid his tightie whities, that sure as hell will. But not in a good way. I need more coffee. Can I just go back to Daniel? 

Step 6: Start the countdown twenty minutes out to AIS. If you never watched “Everybody Loves Raymond” AIS = Ass in Seat. It is the exact moment when my ass will be in the driver’s seat putting the car into reverse so if you do not want to walk you need to get your ass into the passenger seat. This is how it goes down EVERY morning. 

Me: 20 minutes to bus.

Kids: Ok

Me (5 minutes later): 15 minutes to bus. 

Kids: Ok

Clare: Will stop watching TV. 

Me: (turns TV off). Go get your shoes on and brush your teeth. 

Me (5 minutes later): 10 minutes to bus. 

Will: Clare won’t go away. 

Me: What’s she hurting?

Will: Her presence makes me move slower. 

Me: Clare, go to the kitchen.

Me (5 minutes later): 5 minutes to bus. Are those teeth brushed? How about your hair?

Kids: We’re ready. 

Me: (Walking out the door): I am walking out of the door right now.

Will: WHERE ARE MY SHOES!!!

Clare: I HATE YOU WILL YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ME MISS SCHOOL. MOM CAN I HAVE A NEW BROTHER. 

The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Where’s my jacket? 

Step 7: Do not let them play with their pets. EVER. Even if by some miracle of Athena they’re ready to go twenty minutes early keep them away from anything furry including vomit cat. Because if not, they will pull the tail off the the gerbil, in a panic, as you give the AIS last call up the stairs, and then come downstairs screaming with a gerbil tail in their hand while the creature it is supposed to be attached to is upstairs, loose and bleeding. Trust me, nothing says parenthood like crawling all over the floor after a scared bloody gerbil that you have to wrap in a dishtowel to take with you to the bus stop only to come home and spend most of the day on the phone trying to figure out if this beloved pet is going to die. No worries, he’s fine - my sister is the president of her 4H club and works at a pet store, she fixed him right up. I just call him Stumpy. 

Step 8: Drive like the wind, maybe with a bloody animal in your hands, down your insane long OMA why do we live out here like this driveway, around the potholes your neighbors won’t have filled in because they cannot grasp the basic concept of road maintenance and are too stupid to just buy gravel and shovel themselves to drive over the plastic speed bumps installed by the stupidest of your stupid neighbors, because really SPEED is an issue in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, while lead stupid neighbor pulls out in front of you, slowing to a crawl and then stares down the bus driver like she does not belong on our private road picking up MY kids. I really hate these people, like madly, can someone PLEASE make them go away. And bring me another coffee. And Daniel. 

Step 9: Get on the bus. Kiss. Hug. I love you too. Go, no, go Mrs. T is waiting. Go, wait, where’s your coat? Did you brush your hair? Your teeth are yellow? No, I didn’t have time to get your coat, I was retrieving your gerbil who is bleeding on my yoga pants. Get on the bus, I will see you at three. Wait, Stumpy, stay in the dish towel!!!

Step 10: We know what this step SHOULD say but it is seven thirty a.m. I want wine. Badly. I want Daniel. More than words can express. I want to go back to bed but I have to log into work and deal with someone else’s kids.  So, let’s do some math. It’s gotta be 5 p.m. somewhere, right? One of your international readers? Have a glass, please, for me, and tweet me a pic. 

My twitter handle is @ladiosabri 

Thanks in advance. 

How to Run a Girl Scout Troop

How to Run a Girl Scout Troop

Subtitle: Don’t even laugh. I do this and I do a damn good job too.  Well, I think so anyway...

Step 1:  Make a plan.  Like just about anything else in life you need a plan of attack.  See why Athena is my patron??? You need to lay out from day one a calendar of the entire year (which runs on the school year) from September to June and include every food sale (probably cookies and peanuts) and every time and day you would like to meet and every single Girl Scout holiday or event (They are a lot of them, they are important and patch worthy). Don’t worry about everyone else is doing, if you only want to see the little buggers twice a month, see them twice a month.  Some other leaders are going to use this as their entire life.  Don’t be one of them. The children will hate you. They have other things to do even if you don’t. 

Step 2: Find some girls.  Now, the council can assign you girls, but unless you are me and are the luckiest person on planet Earth and get the BEST LITTLE GIRLS EVER OMA I LOVE THEM SO FREAKIN MUCH NO JOKE HERE AT ALL, you might get stuck with some crazies.  Take your list TO your council representative and say, here are some girls that want a troop and I will do it. Then, when they pull out the waiting list of girls that need a troop either you don’t have any room or once they meet you and your friend’s kids, they will either embrace the crazy or go running for the hills.  

Step 3: Get that book. For each level of Girl Scouting, there is a book that lays out EVERYTHING.  Sure, it is annoying to have to shell out more bucks for a supposedly free all inclusive activity, but this book is worth it.  For starters if you are not super creative it tells you exactly what to do down to buy this number of supplies and/or exactly what to say with a script, but it also has nice little charts to guide you (and we know how much I like charts). 

Step 4: Learn your badges.  The number one thing that girl scouts love are those little patches that decorate those ADORABLE little vests.  SOO CUTE!!! (Having a moment here, sorry).  You need to learn these badges from top to bottom so you can plan activities and figure out when things can count for more than one item or when something you were going to do with the girls already has a patch (Wee for accidental re-readings of the book). Because these little boogers want their vest/sash/tunic to be so heavy that can barely walk from the car to your meeting.  And so do you. Makes you look all cool and stuff.  

Step 5: Trash the dried pasta! Seriously, it is 2012, you think these kids still want to play with dried pasta!?! I tried the craft thing for about 5 minutes and the girls looked at me like “Uh, we do this crap in school; I thought this was supposed to be fun.” So, I went for what I know and love, travel.  Which brings us to step 6...

Step 6: Field Trips.  Girl Scouts love a field trip. Probably because politicians have taken the fun out of school and don’t let teachers do this anymore and need to stay the heck out of education and let us do our jobs!!!! But I digress.... These little chickadees will go anywhere and do anything.  Even make worm bins (for free!!). Even practice yoga (not free but super cheap!). Even go off-roading in the belly of a rock quarry (free again!!! I am good at finding free and willing to share). Yeah, they’ll do that.  They’ll do all of that. And ask for more. 

Step 7: The more.  Now, the downside to getting the travel bug into your girls is that now they want to go everywhere.  They even want to go to Busch Gardens. And these little boogers will move cookies like nobodies business in order to do this (see step 8 about cookies), even if that means each girl has to sell over a hundred boxes each (They will do it, they are relentless little demons, it is quite amazing.  Remember that army we needed some posts back to take Canada so I could have Michael Shanks all to myself.  Dude, I’ve got them, I just need to arm them). Just beware at Busch Gardens of the Clydesdales.... Innocent horses you say???? Oh no, oh no no no.  

Try explaining THIS to a group of seven year olds. I couldn’t.  The one dad on the field trip took them outside.  We moms took pictures.  

Step 8: The cookies. Now, no Girl Scouting experience is complete without the sale of the cookies.  And this racket is so well organized and thought out that not only is somebody making BANK off of child labor, but these cookies are SOO anticipated that they are also saving millions on advertising.  And the kids will sell the hell out of the damn things no matter how much they cost.  So, take my advice.  Get your girls orders in and then triple it.  Order THAT much from council. Otherwise you will be going to the cooke cupboard every freaking weekend. And still need more.  In fact, while you are at it, dedicate an ENTIRE room of your house to the sale of said cookies.  Because they will overtake your life and STEAL YOUR SOUL..... (In fact, I am considering an entire post on this topic alone). 

Step 9: The peanuts.  Think of them a “Cookie Light”  Now, these are a bit difficult since no one seems to know what they are even though the scouts have sold them for years.

The girls will still hustle them, but since they do not have drugs inserted into them like Thin Mints do (just kidding everyone, kidding) and you can buy peanuts everywhere, it’s a tougher sell. A sample conversation may look like this:

Scout: Hi my name is SUPER CUTE BROWNIE and I am selling Peanuts.  

Customer: Peanuts? When do cookies go on sale? 

Scout: The peanuts are our fall sale and cookies are in the spring. But we have a lot of great choices if you would like to see.

Customer: Do you have any cookies left? Can I place my order now? 

Scout: Sir, it is peanut season and we are selling peanuts for our camping trip.  

Customer: (Looking at peanuts and their crazy high prices) Do they come in Samoa flavor!?!?

But, since people love them some Girl Scouts and this sale usually raises money for camping which makes everyones heart sink again, you will sell them.  For this, buy 1.5 of what the girls sold and clear about 1/3 of a room.  Oh and avoid those chocolate covered almonds with the candy coating. They are like crack. Expensive, fattening crack.  For a good cause of course :-)

Step 10:  Ok, so for this step I googled “Wine Pairing for Girl Scout Cookies” with Hot Roommate just to be silly.  And I got hits. LOTS of them.  Thanks especially to the HuffPo for the best article: Cookie and Wine Pairings   Fantastic! So make sure you saved some cookies.... apparently you will need them.  If not, next year I recommend ordering a case (or two), storing them in the freezer, and popping out a box (or two) each month.  And don’t forget me! I will be taking orders as soon as the cookie police tell me I can! 

How to Raise Kids

How to Raise your Kids

Subtitle: Because, as a teacher, I’m kinda sick of doing it for you. And as a parent, I feel the need to share this with others. 

Step 1:  To have to not to have? Ok, let’s preface this entire entry with the most important question of all, Should I have children?  Now, before you answer this question, let me throw out a few things for you.  First, they will destroy your body/wife’s body, in ways that only plastic surgery can correct.  Second, you will not sleep for 18+ years. Third, these boogers cost roughly the amount of four Lambourgini’s just to get them to age 16. Fourth, you will forever be saying “I need to see if I can get a sitter.”  Does this all still sound appealing to you??? You sure?? Don’t do this because Grandma Doris wants to see more little ones before she dies, that’s a bad choice.  

Step 2: Make sure you are stable.  By stable, I don’t mean money wise, because as I have mentioned above, they cost more than you can imagine.  You will NEVER be ready for them financially, so just give up that piece of TV talk show advice.  By stable I mean sane.  Don’t wanna waste time here with an explanation.  Here’s a quiz: http://www.allthetests.com/quiz02/dasquiztd.php3?testid=1029124661  See what that says.  (By the way, if you were like, uh, is she serious, a stupid internet quiz and skipped over it, congrats, you are sane.  Proceed breeding.  If not, come back in a few years)

Step 3: Getting pregnant.  Now, I shouldn't need a step to explain how this happens, but if you really need to know I recommend this book, given to Hot Roommate and I by Awesome MIL to share with the kids: http://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-I-Come-From/dp/0818402539/ref=pd_sim_b_4 .  I would like to add that I, personally, at 31 years old am NOT mature enough to read this myself, much less to my kids, but if you are an adult looking for how this all works, it might be helpful.  It’s very detailed.....down to the tickle....

Step 4:  It starts with the bump.  No, literally, it does.  In fact, while you are pregnant every single freaking thing you eat, drink, or listen to can apparently effect your child.  And, to make matters worse your doctor will give you the book What to Expect When You Are Expecting and everyone will tell you it is the Bible of being pregnant but the truth of the matter is that it will SCARE THE HELL out of you!! Don’t read it!! Just don’t smoke, drink or eat junk food for 9 months.  You’ll live, trust me.  

Step 5:  Parenting a baby.  This is the really fun part because magically every person in a thousand mile radius all of a sudden is an expert on babies.  They want to tell you how to feed them and when, how and where they should sleep, whether or not you should hold them when they cry.  Lemme help you out here, with, of course, a chart.  

Baby Problem	Solution	Reason
Baby cries	Feed it - and it does not matter if you go boob or not.  The FDA would not approve formula if it killed your child, ok?	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Change it - Do you like wallowing in your own poop? I didn’t think so.	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Cuddle it - I mean, they are cute for a reason right.	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Let it sleep with you - They make these lovely little in your bed beds so you don’t squish the bugger, so look, no worries	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Call your mother- she has got to have something up her sleeve - for God’s sake  you did survive to adulthood somehow!?!?!?	You want to sleep.

Step 6: Parenting the toddler.  Ok, once the little booger stands up, we can call it a toddler.  They are so cute and destructive at this age.  And bold. Very bold.  And smart. Very smart.  They are still little enough that these devious little bastards will use their cuteness as a weapon against you, especially in front of other people.  They will climb up on the ottoman, reach up to your sofa table and knock over an antique bust of Athena made of marble into the floor, look right at you like “So there b$*@ch, put fancy antiques in my reach again” and just when you go to yell, they look at your friends and start to cry like you are beating them daily.  Which you want to. But you can’t.  Instead, buy a chair.  A really really really uncomfortable chair.  Call it the “Naughty Place” like Super Nanny does because that’s just fun to say. Allow them to spend the next two years sitting right there.  

Step 7: Parenting the elementary age, otherwise know as the age of ENDLESS NEEDINESS.  You think baby age was bad..... try 7.  First, to them, you are a complete and total moron and everything you say must be questioned.  Then, when you are trying to enjoy your nightly glass of Spanish wine, they are all over you like a damn puppy, rubbing their face on your arm and you are like is this shit normal and your mom and those stupid what to expect books that I told you not to buy but you did anyway start talking about attachment parenting so you start to doubt yourself... STOP!!! JUST STOP!!! Get up and go get your kids one of two things: A Puppy or a Hobby.  When my daughter wants to do this, again not normal cuddly but this needy-freaky crap, I tell her to get her Guinea Pig. For my son, I pull out the Legos.  Problem solved.  You’re welcome.  

Step 8: Welcome to puberty.  Now as parents we worry to death about puberty, for a variety of reasons, mostly revolving around sex.  Ok, time to scare the crap out of you.  They ALREADY know what it is!! They do!!! Even if they don’t watch a lot of TV, they KNOW!! Back at Step 7!!! Yeah, that thew me for a loop too.  So, don’t worry about “the talk”, you get to have another talk instead.  That talk goes like this:  

Parent: If you kiss a boy/girl your lips will fall off of your face and you will have to paint on a smile like the Joker.  

Child: No mom/dad. I know that’s not true.  

Parent: And, if you go further, well, then you might die on the inside too.  

Child: Mom/Dad, I know what sex is. Can we not talk about this????

Parent (walking to closet): Fine, you know what it is?  I would like to show you and your boyfriend/girlfriend my gun collection.

Trust me, all parents think like this.  Including my celeb love (For new readers, that’d be Michael Shanks, I like to work him in, it’s fun).  In fact, he tweeted something similar and that was the VERY reason that my husband now follows him on Twitter.  Jack’s reasoning “You can like him. He’s a smart man. Wants to kill people that mess with his daughter too...”  all the while stroking his shotgun lovingly (What have I done to my yuppie yankee husband!?!)  

Step 9:  The teen years. Really these are the EASY years; I promise. Just take their spark plugs.  That’s it. And have their friend’s parents do the same.  They can talk smack all they want, stranded on their iPhones in a car they are too stupid to know how to fix.  

Step 10: This is why you need wine..... If you are not a drinker I believe as soon as you stop breastfeeding is a good time to start.  Shoot me an email. I can make recommendations.  They start with Spanish Wine.  

How to Homeschool

How to Homeschool

Subtitle: Person who discovers I homeschool:  “Wow, you homeschool? I couldn’t do that...” 

Me: “Dude, I can’t either” 

Step 1: Know why you are homeschooling. It is a personal choice, but for me? I’m going to make this simple.  I am a teacher. I have been a teacher my entire adult life.  I will probably be a teacher until I die.  I know what I am doing.  In fact, MOST teachers know what they are doing.  So, parents, would you be so kind as to inform the government of this fact.  The day that people have that have never step foot inside a classroom stop telling people who have dedicated their entire lives to educating children how to do their job, I will happily trot my children back to the school system.  Until then, I’ve got this covered.   

Step 2: Pick your curriculum.  Believe it or not there are literally hundreds of different ways to homeschool your child, methods, boxed curriculum, writing your own lessons from the SOL tests (SOL actually does not mean S*$t outta luck here, although it should; they are stupid jeopardy-like standardized tests here in VA), etc.  You will need to shop around and see what is best for you. For you. Not that one know it all in your support group.  Just don’t smack her (See my post on 5/7/12).

Step 3: Send in your NOI. Here in the South that means your “Notice of Intent.” All it needs to say is “I will be homeschooling my kids X,Y, & Z this year and they are in grades A,B, & C.” It does NOT need to say “I actually want my kid to learn how to function in the real world and not just be skilled at TV trivia games shows and bubbling in small circles.” Or something of this like.  Simple is good here. 

Step 4: Map out your year.  You NEED a plan.  Trust me.  You need a start date, a finish date, and how far you want to get. And holidays.  I mean, there is a joke that homeschoolers don’t get snow days, etc.  Eh, I give ‘em snow days.  Counts as PE right? 

Step 5: Figure out who teaches what. Ok, so you are probably asking how in the world I do this AND teach full-time.  We tag team between myself, my husband and my mom.  It is GREAT.  My husband has a history degree (yeah, I know, I do too but I just end up going all Daniel Jackson on them and then I start to gush about certain cute celebs and it just goes nowhere, so I let hubby do it) so he’s got that, my mom has a science degree so she covers that and I do math and reading.  We do it all at times that fit around our jobs and it gives the kids multiple teachers. For electives, we take them to homeschool groups. Yeah, with OTHER KIDS.... OOOO.... EVIL.... I LET THEM SEE OTHER PEOPLE.... ;-)

Step 6: Be creative. Homeschooling is not just worksheets, it is field trips, life experiences and hands on learning.  You also might have to teach a bit unconventionally.  For example, my sister is a homeschooled rising senior and I am her math teacher (ok, so I lied about that math thing in an earlier post - sue me). Anyway, before you think I am a bad person for the conversation that follows, she is my SISTER and she is almost an adult: 

Bri: Reading from a textbook: You know that squaring a number and taking the square root of a number are inverse operations.  But how would you evaluate an expression that contains a fractional exponent? 

Mary: Excuse me, what? 

Bri: Sometimes b&*ches have fractions.

Mary: Oh

Bri: And yet that is what made sense to you.  

Think my method is unusual? Well, you should have seen her bust out those radical expressions.  I’m that good... 

Step 7: Socialization. Eep!! It is the buzzword of homeschooling. “Are you worried about socialization?” Uh, no, have you met my kids? They would talk to a wall if they thought the wall would provide worthwhile conversation.  Have you met Hot Roommate? He talks more than me and he’s not even Southern. In fact, as I have mentioned, we Southerns will talk to anyone at anytime, so homeschooling for me is a no brainer. It just means that are actually quiet in class for once.  

Step 8: PE. The second criticism that you will get is what about extracurriculars activities and PE. “Do your kids just stay in the house all day?” Yep, that is EXACTLY what they do.  In fact, they have heavy iron shackles that they wear so that they remain seated when they are not translating he Bible from Ancient Greek to English.  Come on, really? Besides the fact that PE was just invented to make the school day longer and because we have become a country of porkers, my kids get something a lot of schools are cutting out.  They get to PLAY OUTSIDE. What a novel idea!!! AND they still play ball, do yoga and the other things after school hours like every other kid.  

Step 9: Don’t take criticism to heart.  Really, we all worry too darn much about what others think. And the best part is that most of your critics will act like they are suddenly experts in education, overnight, even though they have never interacted with children before other than seeing your when they come over to dinner.  I AM an education professional.  You are just fine.  And if you are really worried, message me/tweet me. It’s cool - I will answer questions about this! 

Step 10:  The wine. Oh lordy you will need it.  I teach all day other peoples kids and mine at night or in between. It is insanity. Once those little boogers are konked in bed I am poised and ready to go, Vino Tinto in mano and Mr. Canadian Hot Pants on the TV.  Because everyone needs an outlet.  I just have two...

How to Survive a Road Trip with Kids

How to survive a road trip with kids

Subtitle: Seriously babe, we are doing this again? For 12 hours? Why aren’t we on the train? A plane? Fine, fine, just mount up.  

Step 1: Pre-threaten your children. Any good parent has learned the fine art of pre-threatening. This is where you lay out the worst case scenario possible of what could go wrong on this trip and explain explicitly to your children how much pain you will inflict on them if they DARE cross you or create any of the above mentioned situations.  I prefer to do this in Spanish so anyone close to me will not know what I am saying and therefore cannot call Child Protective Services. 

Step 2: Get the car looked at. This is more for your husband’s piece of mind than to prepare your children, but the argument can be made that any instance of breaking down on the side of the road 8 hours from home with two children under the age of ten is something we want to avoid anyway. What you need to be careful of in particular is that you go to a mechanic you trust so they do not see the panicked look in your spouse’s eyes of “please for the love of all things holy do not let us break down with these damn kids” and take you for every dime you have. That you need for tolls.  And gas.  Because we can invent damn phones that have conversations with you and act like butlers but we are still using dinosaurs corpses to make our vehicles move. That makes sense....

Step 3: The hourly gift. This is a little gem I stole from my mom.  Go to the dollar store and for every hour of the trip buy a small toy/candy/coloring book/object for your little one.  I have two kids and the trip to the in-laws is 12 hours so I buy 24 little things.  $24 you think.  Heck no! I hit the 2/$1 or 4/$1 bins or I bust up a multipack.  Why an hour? First, it is easy to count and second it takes about 40 minutes before whining starts.  If you make the gift giving an entire process, it can kill each hour successfully.  Until they are 5.  Then they catch on. Keep reading if your kids are older than 5. 

Step 4: Plan your travel. TRAVEL AT NIGHT.  I cannot stress this enough.  First, and hopefully quite obvious, is that your children will be asleep.  And you want them unconscious for as much of this as possible, right? I mean, didn’t someone even write a children’s book called “Go the F to sleep” or something like that? I knew I wasn’t alone.  Plus, not only will they be asleep, but no one is on the darn road except truckers.  Now, truckers get a bad rap, but what is way worse than truckers are Prius drivers who think their little plastic car has super powers enabling them to teleport in front of you and those trucks without signals.  Fortunately, Prius owners have their little eco-friendly pup tents popped in a state park at night so you can avoid them too.  

Step 5: MOVIES MOVIES MOVIES or TV.... You’re too lazy to shoot 5 hours energies every two hours to make it through the night, whatever.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  However, since I pity you I am strongly advising you to invest in one of these: http://www.bestbuy.com/site/Philips+-+9%22+Widescreen+Portable+DVD+Player+with+Dual+Screens/9468952.p;jsessionid=C5A7862D721865A4B07A4008AC6C929A.bbolsp-app01-02?id=1218110421046&skuId=9468952

This is a portable DVD player and it will SAVE YOUR LIFE.  Unless you have one kid they will fight over the iPad or the computer, so the two screen are important.  If the trip is long, alternate between the children’s selections.  If you are having a hard time deciding what to show, remember Star Wars?  Kid crack? Once they hear that first ‘duh duh’ of the music the car will drop to silence.  

    

  Side note: If you travel at night, you might still want to get one of these just in case.  After all, worst case scenario, you can watch Michael Shanks movies (or preferably Stargate) the entire way there.  Yummy...

Step 6: Drugs. Not for you!! You are driving.  I mean for the kids.  Now, I don’t do this because we are health nuts, but I have friends who give the kids Benadryl right before leaving at night and boom, they are out for at least 10 hours.  This creeps me out, but it works... 

Step 7: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Mom, when are we getting there? Dad, can we stop? I have to pee.  No, I can’t hold it. I really have to go.  There’s a McDonald’s!!! No, mom I really have to pee; I don’t want a happy meal.  Thanks for stopping, I thought I was going to explode.  Since we’re here, can I get a Happy Meal? ...... I don’t even want to hear it.  See Step 4 and you could have avoided this entire mess. 

Step 8: Learn to LIE.  Even if you are driving thought the night the kids might wake up at some point.  When they ask, are we there yet, with a smile on your face reply “In about a half an hour.”  Most kids have no concept of time, so they will accept this at least three times in a row before they question you.  If you are driving at night, they will fall back asleep before they can ask again.  If you are a moron and are driving during daylight hours, just change the DVD.

Step 9: The last leg.  At this point in the trip I am done. If hubby has allowed me to actually drive any of the trip it is NOT this part because I am not a morning person regardless of whether or not I have gone to sleep.  Everyone who knows me knows this, in fact, my students will message me “Have you had your coffee yet?” BEFORE they try to ask me a serious question.  However, I have to stay awake to cheer on hubby for this last part of the journey.  Enter Siri, my dearest friend.  On Siri before we leave I create a playlist, and I call it Abydoys (we know where this is going, don’t we??).  I set a four song pattern, three that will make me blissfully daydream about making Daniel Jackson forget that any other woman in the universe ever existed (Not Michael Shanks, I love him, but he is married to a cool and gorgeous lady. Oh, me being married? In my fantasies, I am not me, so it is all good :-) ) and the fourth song to remind me that my husband is driving and to snap out of it and make sure he has not fallen asleep.  Kids at this point, still konked. 

Step 10: Mom!!! *Big hug for awesome mother in law* We’re here! You got me Spanish wine? In advance!! You shouldn’t have (BIG LIE)!! Thank you but it’s only 9 a.m. (And I haven’t slept in over 24 hours) but yes, I will have a glass.  A big glass. 

How to Survive a Birthday Party

How to Survive a Birthday Party

Subtitle: A year by year guide to surviving what will easily come become the most nerve wracking day of the year, or days of the year, depending on how many times you decide to multiply. 

This entry is going to be slightly different. I have replaced the steps with the years and am grouping the ages slightly. No worries, you will still be amused.  I live to serve. 

Year 1: What a sweet year...  The year you are still reading parenting books and magazines and looking up cute things on Pinterest.  Every soul in a five mile radius wants to come and celebrate this big day with your family. How sweet!! (Sarcasm there, followed by some barfing noises and other obscene phrases). Look people, let me make this simple for you.  The kid is one. They are not going to remember anything.  Your parents, they don’t care what the theme is.  Your friends? If they have kids, they are laughing at you because they remember being just as stupid and if they don’t have kids they are making a mental list of what you are doing wrong as if they are going to do so much better.  So, who are you trying to impress? For this major milestone you only need ONE thing.  Just ONE.  A cake for the baby.  Big, little, chocolate, vanilla, hypoallergenic, whatever.  Something fun that your child can eat.  Sing the song and plop that bad boy in front of him/her and let’em go to town.  Don’t worry about food for everyone else. Trust me, no one wants to eat after seeing that.  

Years 2 -5: Ahhh.... the kid party years.  The years where you are still stupid enough to invite a ton of people and possibly every child at daycare or every child at homeschool playgroup despite the fact that NONE of them can behave and you hate their parents.  You might think it is ok to bring these little demons into your home and have a cute little party in your front yard, where the children will frolic joyously and blow bubbles. Please get the hell off of Pinterest and cancel that damn magazine subscription. Those parties NEVER work like they do on TV. And you have to talk to the children, not just sip wine spritzers and gossip about the neighborhood. Ergo, here is my solution: Chuck E. Cheese.  DON’T click away.  Allow me to explain.  You guys mentioned you liked charts.  Here’s another one: 

Party Item	How Chuck E Cheese takes care of it	How this helps you
Invitations	Have both eVite or printable option	The moment other parents see the words “Chuck E. Cheese” they will scream in terror.  This eliminates all annoying idiots and brats from your party because only true friends will suffer this with you.
Entertainment	Tokens, Games, Loudness	Not only does this help you avoid having to book other stupid party things, like clowns, magicians or Moonbounces, but the place is so damn loud and insane that you just hand out tokens and let them go with no worries of them terrorizing anything in your home.
Food	Pizza... and some other stuff...	Look, to adults, it tastes like crap, but the kids love it.  You didn’t have to cook.  And you don’t have to clean it up.  It’s a win, win.  Just bring yourself a protein shake; it will get you through a few hours.
Cake/Ice Cream	They sell these too.  Extra cost. Of course.	This actually does not taste bad.  And they make it all cute and bring it out singing. You can bring your own cake, but honey, if you have never transported a child’s birthday cake before, let’s not start now.  It is a life experience one does not need. Your car will thank you.
Goodie Bags	Either you can buy extra OR the kids get their own crap with the tickets!!	The last thing we think of are those “compete with the last parent who had a party” damn goodie bags.  This is better than that crap - this is CREATE YOUR OWN.  AND, you don’t have to worry about allergies!

Years 6-10: My own children are in this range.  This is a nice range, because I have managed to ELIMINATE BIRTHDAY PARTIES!!! Mwa ha ha!!! Here is how I did it:  Travel!! I let them pick a place to go for the night or for the weekend and we travel.  AND if the place is close, you can let them bring ONE friend (I opted for a cousin myself because if I break him there are fewer legal repercussions.... kidding, Heather, kidding....). This year the kids picked The Great Wolf Lodge and my kids are talking about DC/Medieval Times for next year.  But wait, it gets better!! You can influence these decisions as well, so YOU get to travel.  However, you need to make sure that you have thought out your argument and keep your spouse out of it.  I tried to convince my daughter that Canada might be fun at dinner one night.  Hubby looked up and asked what we would do there. I happily listed off some fun activities to do in Toronto. Hubby told me that list did not include stalking the Saving Hope studio and if we were to go to Toronto that activity would not be added.  Trick to use daughter’s travel present as an excuse to meet Michael Shanks - THWARTED BY HUSBAND!!! Damn him.  Next time, I will do that convincing while he is at work :-)

Years 11-15: The Limo.  I credit my mom with this idea.  Tweens and young teens love limos. You really do not have to do anything else but rent a limo.  My mom managed to completely entertain without complaints eight 13-year-olds for well over an hour with a Hummer Limo that had a slot machine.  Granted, 13 year olds cannot gamble, so the limo driver gave the kids a bunch of dimes and then swapped their winnings for candy, but they were so thoroughly entertained that when the ride was over and they were arriving for dinner, they didn’t want to eat. THIRTEEN year olds turning down food!! For a Limo!?! Yeah, it’s true.  And, like above, there is no clean-up, no people at your house and due to the size a party with a limited amount of children.  Maybe you can even avoid food if the limo driver has enough candy.

Years 16-18: Bonfire. Now, I know what you are thinking, what the hell happened to keeping people out of your house? The key here is that you DON’T have these children in your house.  Stack a bunch of trees in a pile like a teepee, pour on some lighter fluid and BOOM.  Get everyone to bring a covered dish and make your teenagers significant other grill the hotdogs (or if this is a party for a boy, make him do the grilling).  If you have some extra cash, since you are probably only buying hot dogs and sodas, get a Port-o-potty and THEN you can keep the dirty little heathens 100% out of your house.  At about 9 or 10 p.m. (later if you are feeling adventurous) start pulling out the marshmallows and campfire songs.  The teens will flee en masse. 

Years 19+: Your ass is GROWN.  Throw your own damn party.  Don’t you have a job? Do you realize how much these stupid things have cost me for the past 18 years?  Where is my party? What about 21 you say? Fine, I will buy you a drink.  Spanish wine.  You are gonna need it from here on out.  Might as well start now.