How to Be Yourself

How to Be Yourself

Subtitle: Never be surprised when wisdom comes not from some sage person who wrote a bestseller but comes from your piercer. 

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. 

Step 1: Know who you are. Like REALLY know and not just go with what’s trendy. Going back to a conversation I had with a good friend a while ago, just know who you are and what makes you tick. Case in point: Nerd is now cool. This bothers me to NO end! I have been an incredible dork my entire life: I can recite (Yeah like word for word it’s creepy) all three original Star Wars films and translate the languages, my first tattoo was from the Neverending Story when I was 18, I get and always have gotten excited over Algebra, I did theatre in school, etc. 

I was a DORK. A NERD. A GEEK. And it was NOT cool. 

Granted, I had the punky pink haired weirdness that made me some cute oddity in high school and college so I had a great high school and college experience but that’s moot. 

It is NOT cool to magically be into RPG’s because it’s trendy. 

It is NOT cool that you’re buying Voltron underpants at Hot Topic when you picked on my collection I had when I was 8. 

It is NOT cool to start wearing shirts about how hard a geek’s life is when you have been one for about five hot minutes. 

And it’s OK to NOT be the latest trend. Just know who YOU are and go with it! 

Step 2: Accept who you are. Now, this is the hardest thing I think for anyone, but once you know who you are, just roll with it. There’s nothing wrong with you!! Don’t like the latest TV trend? You’re probably saving money on cable. Don’t like the new hit song? You’re probably not having to suffer those horrible morning DJs (Does anyone listen to that crap?? I mean it’s god awful and they do the same damn pranks every week. Originality anyone?). Don’t like the latest bestseller? You’re probably not wasting any money on weird bondage crap your husband will never use. And all of that is OK. 

Step 3: Say what you say. Now, there is a difference between correction communication Last week's blog :) and worrying about offending anyone. Always try to be kind but to be honest you are always gonna offend someone sometime (PENIS!) and you can’t drive yourself insane trying to decide whether or not comment A is gonna offend friend B even though it really isn’t offensive because it’s a joke but everything (POOP!) offends them and you’re worried that they’ll jam up the copier in front of you because they do that (WEED!) to people who offend them or start rumors about you. 

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!?

There is a difference between being considerate and being a doormat. 

Don’t be a doormat. 

Just don’t be an asshat either. 

Penis (Daniel’s :p ) 

Did I offend you??

Step 4: Do what you do. Ok, first, see Step 3 above. Those rules pretty much apply but in your actions you’ve got to follow through and be yourself. Don’t just talk the talk, but walk the walk. Take my insanity for example.  I like body art, a lot. A whole lot. Like I was HEARTBROKEN that Michael Shanks doesn’t have a tattoo because to me that would only make him that much hotter. (Athena, could you imagine that body with INK!!! MELT!! - Focus Bri focus, BLOG). So, I stopped worrying about what others thought (except for my job - I made sure it was cool with them - I need to eat ya know) and just did it. 15 piercings and 7 tattoos later, I’m still not done. (Granted I had 6 of those piercings and 3 of those tattoos before I got myself back...)

Don’t like it?

I don’t really care. 

Hot Roommate likes them and he’s about all who I’m trying to please. 

Step 5: Take chances. Put yourself out there. Honestly, you never know what will happen. I told my current employer a few years ago that I wanted a job that didn’t exist. Guess what? It does now. I wanted to finish my favorite TV series in a way that wasn’t some stupid shut up the fans canned makes no sense at all romance. So I wrote it. People seem to really like it too. My son’s class needed a room mother and my daughter’s scout troop needed a leader. I said I would do it, knowing full well that I’m NOT the typical mom and freak some other moms out with my body art. Guess what? Both are going well. 

Just do it. 

Oops, did I steal a Nike slogan? 

My bad, considering free advertising. You make good shoes. 

Step 6: Have faith in yourself. I’m not gonna shit ya, it’s hard to be yourself. People want everyone to be the same, be what they want them to be and when they aren’t they will do their best to make you want to crawl into a hole and die. Now, there is a sick part of me that wants to tell you to purchase some pig’s blood and go all Carrie on them (google this if you do not know the reference, it makes me seem less insane) but then again that might be my current obsession with horror films. Just smile, sit back and realize that they are just too damn scared to be themselves and jealous that you aren’t. 

This is where my piercer comes in. When I went to get my lip ring switched out my kids got to meet my piercer Jason. My son has a red mohawk and a skull and crossbones earring. My daughter has a short TinkerBell pixie hair cut with pink hair. When I introduced them to him the first thing he did was get down into the floor and look them both in the eyes and said this: 

“You guys are great. You keep being yourselves, no matter what that is. Be true to yourself and you’ll never go wrong. Give me a high five.” 

Not a lot makes me tear up. 

THAT did. 

Step 7: Don’t judge others for doing what you are doing. You don’t like Nascar (I’m using this as an example because I cannot for the life of me get the idea of cars driving around in circles to be entertaining, but to each his own) then fine, don’t hate on someone because they do. No nasty remarks, no “sarcastic” or “snarky” comments, just accept it if you want to be their friend. Playful teasing, fine, I do that often with some really good buddies of mine, but it ends there. I don’t begrudge my friends for their insanity any more than they begrudge me for mine. Gotta give to receive. 

Step 8: Erase negativity. And I don’t just mean social media, although we do need to take a break there. Look, I don’t have time for that complicated process that is unfriending and I barely have time to unfollow. So here’s the deal. If your entire FaceBook or Twitter or Tumblr or WHATEVER is just “Woe is me, my life sucks, my ex sucks, my baby daddy owe me some diapers, bitch, piss, moan, how in the hell did you make it to adulthood anyway....” UNFRIEND ME. You are toxic, like waste, and I need you gone. Make sure, however, to extend this to your Real Life as well. If there is a friend that EVERY time you hang out they make you feel like crap or like you want to initiate the zombie apocalypse, then STOP talking to them. Just stop. More toxic waste. And trust me, I watch enough horror movies to know that toxic waste is NOT a good thing. 

Step 9: Be there for others. You’re not an island (this is different from wanting to LIVE on one - I want an island for me, Daniel and Belgian chocolate but I digress). We need other people, people to bitch to AND people to bitch to you. Yea, that means you gotta listen and give advice and shit. Or at least listen. For the advice I’ve got like 80 or so damn entries here, so just forward my blog address.

Step 10: Wine. Note that I just said wine. Yeah, so of course I could recommend a dry Spanish red or perhaps a crisp Australian Riesling (I know, not German but them Aussies can WORK a grape!) but this blog is about being yourself. Drink whatever you like, even Gas Station wine (Moscato) if that’s your fancy. 

Just let me know when you pop open that bottle. 

I’ll join you. 

How to Survive in a Horror Movie

How to Survive in a Horror Movie

Subtitle: Since we are heading for FULL on horror movies at this point, this might extend beyond movies. 

Step 1: Your wardrobe: Never wear a red shirt. Now, I know this was a rule originated with Star Trek, but regardless, it is a good rule to follow for a few key horror movie reasons;

1. It tends to be a color that makes it hard when you are trying to hide in the forest, stupidly, because running into THAT instead of down a well lit road was a good idea (See step 6), red is a pretty easy color to spot. May I suggest camo. 
2. It hides the blood so you will have to stagger around dramatically post being stabbed while your idiot friends all continue to talk and you die slowly. In that case, white might be best, gets them to shut the hell up.
3. The guy in the red shirt dies first. Unless there is a black guy, in which case, he dies first (See step 3) 

Step 2: Don’t visit a foreign country if you’re a white woman and are only taking with you ONE also white female friend. Apparently foreign wackos like cute white girls, so they will target you and chances are that I am like the only crazy white woman reading this (it counts that I am reading it as I write) that can use a variety of weaponry. My point is that two cute Caucasian coeds alone in Europe don’t go fast like red shirt dude. They get their lips sewn to each other’s butt holes (I am still not over how funny that movie really was am I?) 

Step 3: Don’t be black, unless you know you are going to die and want to go first in which case, by all means. And, as my friends have pointed out, not only will the black character die first, but if a new black character is introduced the first will be killed faster OR this one has just been introduced so the other could live longer. Honestly, I have a theory about this. I think that the reason they die first is because if Jason did his little slow walk up to a sistah, she’d beat his ass and the movie’d be over. Oh, and as my friends have pointed out, “Black folk aren’t gonna do the other stupid shit that you are listing here. The white people tend to have a death wish.” 

Step 4: Don’t go to strange houses especially if the door is answered by a strange german or otherwise accented single man, except for scary german guy, he was cool and helped you defeat Dracula (Someone PLEASE validate me and know that movie). Let’s look at this logically - would you EVER go waltzing up to a stranger’s house in your neighborhood for a cup of sugar? Ok, then why in the hell is it ok in a strange country, with eerie shit going on and you STILL go inside after the guy at the door is NOT friendly, or concerned for you and ogles you. (This is not A Human Centipede Blog I swear - see - look - I LOVE MICHAEL SHANKS - fixed it) 

Step 5: Don’t eat or drink things given to you by strange people especially after you have disregarded step 4 and have NOW decided you need to leave because then you deserve what’s coming. Seriously? You looked at your friend and said, let’s get out of here and THEN drank the water. In fact, I think once weird, unfortunate or any sort of unusual shit happens that you immediately cease and desist all eating and drinking. Hear me!?! Cease and desist. 

Step 6: Don’t go into the woods. I don’t like going into the woods during daylight hours but as I watch horror films it never ceases to amaze me how shit hits the fan and rather than stay on a well lit street these idiots (white, yes, always white) head straight for the trees. What exactly was your plan!?! Were you thinking that you would climb them? Tarzan your way out of trouble? Why are you not trying to find someone with a gun, like a cop? Evil cop following you? Fine, go to the firehouse, that water pressure can rip your face off! Just don’t go into the woods. Or you deserve what happens. 

Step 7: Don’t scream. I mean, yelling for help is fine, if there is a chance that someone that can help you will find you, but stop that constant crying or muttering “We’re gonna die,” etc. because guess what!?! If you are being chased and are sitting there talking to yourself from your shitty hiding spot, they are gonna HEAR you. And if you are the screaming chick, you are going to draw them to the group. Wait, on second thought, take that chick and throw her in the opposite direction in which you need to run, again, NOT into the woods. 

Step 8: STAY TOGETHER. For some reason together keeps you alive, supposed safety in numbers crap, even if you are surrounded by bimbos. This isn’t hard, don’t leave the group. Don’t go check out that noise, don’t go after the dumbass that went off alone already, don’t feel guilty about the screamer you shoved down to get away, just don’t leave. Do you hear that Carl? Don’t leave the group! Please my friends, Carl is a lucky booger, don’t use him as a model. He should have died a season ago. 

Step 9: Don’t try to STUDY the creature. Kill it, burn it, spread the ashes in fifty bazillion places. Don’t try to be God and figure out what made it tick, think you can save it’s soul, or any other stupid feel good idea you might have. If you are having any feelings now other than self-preservation you belong on the Hallmark Channel or in a Christmas Movie with Mr. Canadian Hot Pants (yay! got him in and it was NOT contrived) NOT in this. Not only is this a bad idea for you, you will get killed, but you have now set us up for a sequel, which means more people will die. Dumbass

Step 10: NEVER HAVE SEX - ever. It’s like a last meal in horror world and sometimes you don’t even get to finish (Too much?). Sex in a horror movie is an open invitation to have your head chopped off. But, if you’re going to do it, last days and all, then you might as well drink while you are at it. Bottom’s up! 

How to Speak American English

How to Speak American English 

Subtitle: Because the rest of the world is laughing at us for a lot of things and our butchering of common speech is one of them. Let’s try to at least ACT like we have a clue, ok? 

** See a pattern this week?? We’ll get back to steps next week, I PROMISE, and remember, my purpose here is humor, not offense. I’m sure that there is some stuff from Monday’s post that I say that makes you cringe. Carry on.**

65 days left. If it were in years it could get Social Security, but if we keep talking like this there isn’t going to be any left. 

Word 1: Bling. Definition - a crazy amount of useless flashy shit that make you look like an asshat since you insist on waving it around.  In a sentence: I be making such bank (money - see THAT makes sense since you PUT money in a BANK) that I be covered in bling. What is wrong with the word bling is that it had NOTHING to do with the jewelry and riches that it describes, but rather is more like that sound you get when you drop a quarter on the floor.  And don’t give me the if you drop gold against the jewels you get the blinging sound and that’s where in comes from because in that case I’m going to start calling vacuum cleaners VROOOMMMMSSS  or walk around making a sucking sound and deem it socially acceptable. 

Word 2: Nom, nom. Definition - either an alternate to yummy/ yum yum or an onomatopoeiaic representation of the sound a person makes when they chew which while the former makes some sense the latter is just disgusting. Close your mouth. I’d like to use this in a sentence for you, but it is only ever used alone as it is so stupid no other words will agree to stand beside it. Most frequently used on FaceBook, usually accompanied by a picture of what the person is eating, which no one really cares about unless it is an inside joke. I don’t know what else to say other than I hate this word so much that it makes me revert to my animalistic side and want to literally rip throats out the moment the syllables reach my ears. The one saving grace, if I am part of your zombie apocalypse team and get scared/freaked out all you have to do is say “nom nom.” Bitches gonna be throat-less. 

Word 3: EHMERGAHD. Definition - apparently this is some strange version of Oh My God, but in such a way that the item/thing/emotion/whatever of which you speak is just so damn amazing that you need to sound like you have a mouthful of marbles and are being punched while you say it and therefore translate the same thing into typing. Now to be honest, I have no earthy idea why this one bothers me so bad, but while it does not induce throat ripping, it does indeed give me the desire to poke out eyes. I’m a language teacher, so let’s make this simple. Seseo is the phenomenon in Spanish in which words that begin and end in similar sounds are linked to create faster speech, i.e.  Me gusta bailar can be said Megustabailar like it is one giant word. That WORKS in Spanish. NOT in English. And NOT with Oh my God. 

Word 4: Like whoa. Definition - Ok, maybe I should not have even this one because I have NO CLUE what this means. Does it mean whoa like stop, halt horsey, don’t flip me off, but not exactly due to the addition of like in the forefront. So, it’s not quite the whoa?? But then, I’ve heard people use it in sentences such as these: I need a drink like whoa. In that case, does it mean really bad? or now? Why in the hell don’t you just frakkin’ say “I need a drink” ?? Did the like whoa really add that much? No, it just made you look like an idiot. 

Word 5: Ignant. Definition - Ignorant, ergo, the entire existence of this word is one big damn oxymoron. Because when you take the time to call someone ignant, implying that they themselves are ignorant then you’re not being funny or ironic by using the word incorrectly, you just look like you cannot speak. It’s ONE syllable, you dropped ONE syllable in order to make fun of people that probably never got the opportunity in life to learn to speak properly in the first place. AND, if you ACTUALLY speak English, you will notice that Ingnant sounds kind of like Indignant, which is how I am feeling about you right now. 

Word 6: Flo. Definition - Flow, as in life going on, que sera sera (I KNOW where the accents go OK, I TEACH Spanish, I’m just too lazy to care). But really?? The entire word was F-L-O-W, why did we need to shorten this?? Sure, English itself makes no damn sense in comparison to Spanish and other Romance languages, but if you really need more characters try & for and or use an ‘. But FLO. What the hell ever. 

Word 7: Snarky. Definition - Smartassy but in a way that I think I am superior. Usually used by unfunny people to refer to themselves, which is probably why I hate the word so much other than the fact that it is completely made up.  I don’t care that it comes from British slang at the turn of the century, using it as an American makes you sound as stupid as using ‘bloody’. And it really is NOT a compliment, so when you call yourself that you are announcing “I am an ASSHOLE.” I don’t need ripped off British slang to express my bitchiness. I am a bitch. See. How hard was that? 

Word 8: Gawd. Ok, look,  I’m not even going to define this, you people know that this came up out of some idiotic notion that saying gawd instead of God was somehow going to not be breaking the third commandment, but let’s get real, isn’t God omnipotent? Can’t he know/see/feel/touch/hear/taste everything?? Ok, then if so, he KNOWS that you are breaking the third commandment with a jackhammer every time you say this. So either say GOD or drop the expression. You’re not foolin’ anyone. 

Word 9: My boo. Definition - My dear or my love. So, this word originates from the Bayou of Louisiana as a term of endearment, but guess what, unless we’re in the Big Easy, you just sound like you are speaking to a ghost. Or, this chick is really some woman who you are hittin’ it with and instead of actually calling her your girlfriend or spouse or significant other, by calling her your boo you eliminate the need to actually act like you give two shits about her. So ladies, unless your dating Gambit (PLEASE someone GET that reference- holy SHIT can we redo X-men AGAIN and have him play Gambit - NEW CALL TO ACTION - SHANKS AS AN XMAN!!!), if he calls you boo he ain’t gonna put a ring on it. 

Word 10: Amurica/Amehrca - Definition - the country in which I reside according to hicks who cannot pronounce our native language that they want to make our national language but cannot even speak correctly themselves.  Stop saying this, even in jest. It makes us sound like morons. Our country was named after famed explorer Amerigo Vespucci, and Italian man and in Italian er = air and NOT ur and there is an i in this as well, so it is Ah-mair-ee-ca  from Ah-mair-ee-go.  Anything else just sounds ignant. 

How to Know When You are Being Hit On

How to Know When You are Being Hit On

Subtitle: Come on people, I can’t believe that I am actually having to write this...

71 days left. That’s not a lot of time to use this advice, but it’s worth a try. 

Step 1: Understand you can be hit on anywhere. ANYWHERE. I mean anywhere.  See, I had sadly forgotten this post college when I had Adorable Nerd and Fashionista in Training and became Bri the Beluga Eyeore, but since my #ChangeYourStars transformation, I have been reintroduced to the wide world of “Dude, did you just say that?” It can happen in the grocery store (really hun, NO ONE is that stupid about banana selection), it can happen at a kid’s birthday party (and your WIFE is RIGHT THERE), it can happen on a school visit (I am wearing the ugliest VVa shirt know to man and this teacher just told me I am very beautiful). So be prepared for it, because, as my Girl Scouts know, you can never be too prepared. 

Step 2: Learn body language.  Now, personally, I find this step to be the hardest, mostly because I’m not one for subtleties; I’m the kind of person that thinks the middle finger is part of normal speech. But apparently, whether we are talking about men or women, there is an entire list of things that look like one thing but mean another.  So, since ya love em so much, I made ya a small chart of some basics: 

Physical Tell	When Men do it	When Women do it	When BRI does it (for clarification)
Stand really close	Excuse to be close, peep down shirt and possibly bump you	Want to smell you, sniff you and all sorts of good stuff.	You are either in my way or won’t move OR I am just really not paying attention.
Touches your arm	He is trying to make sure you saw that dude cut that zombies head off	Sign of affection, a caring gesture, may or may not be romantic	I am trying to get your attention. Look at me. Are you listening to me?
Kisses your cheek	He cares about you. Or is gay. Probably #2.	Depends...we are a fickle beast. Best to let you guys wonder on this one.	Me, I hug and kiss EVERYONE. No, seriously, I do, not just Mr. Canadian Hot Pants but EVERYONE.
Flip of the Hair	He is a surfer or gay. Seriously, if you have not figured it out, dudes are pretty blunt or clueless	She is trying to get your attention to notice her hair, the curve of her neck or a cute piercing.	Goddamn hair in my damn face; where’s my hairtie????

Step 3: The pick-up line. Fortunately, the internet has helped teach most of us the world’s best and worst so we can spot them accordingly. Here are a few notable ones: 

a) I made you come with one finger, think what I could do with them all. This shouldn’t    need explaining, but you’ve got to give a guy credit for trying. 

1. Hey baby you won? Won what? A dance with ________ (me, my friend,etc.). Ok, this one is kinda cute and clever, but unless your name is Michael Shanks, I am not considering you my prize! 
2. Being with a girl with a tongue ring is on my bucket list. Fantastic, take your dog down to Lucky 13, I’m sure they can hook you up. 
3. Did an angel just fall from the sky? Awww...I’m don’t believe in that and I prefer vampires, but thanks for playing. 

Step 4: The double meaning. Let’s be honest, I think one of the reasons that I’m so madly in love with Daniel Jackson is that the poor man is just so oblivious and more than anything I enjoy writing him oblivious with Addy (if you are lost CLICK HERE). But I think I really love him because I am oblivious. Case in point, this year for the Renaissance Faire I was both elated and saddened that my Tavern Wench dress no longer fit (too big - by a LOT) and in a panic I went to the flea market to try to get something close (because it’s not as if the mall’s got a Medieval Clothes R Us or anything).  There wasn’t a wide selection there either, but I did manage to find a black fake leather dress that looked like something I had seen on a movie. So I wore it, even though it was 95 degrees and I was slowly melting away. Now, we hadn’t been there that long when the comments started: “Wow, you look so hot in there,” “That must be really hot,” “Can I ask you if you are comfortable,” etc. and I had to explain to everyone that I was fine, which after a while, I was. However, at about the 15th comment, Hot Roommate pulls me aside, infuriated, fussing at me for flirting. Apparently, I hadn’t noticed that all of theses “concerned citizens” were men, who had, in their deep concern, touched my dress to see the material and evidently were gawking at me as I talked. Brushing that moron I married off, I stormed over to talk to a mutual male friend. 

Friend: He finally done with it? 

Me: Done with what? 

Friend: Uh, every man in this fair using your dress as an excuse to come gawk at you. 

Me: *Facepalm* 

Step 5: Recognizing a date. Ladies this is for you, well, mostly. If a guy takes you ANYWHERE and he or his mother DRIVES at all, THAT is a date. Even if you are with a larger group. Even if the movie he picks is really a buddy flick and nothing that will make you cry on his shoulder or jump in his lap in fright.  Pretty much to a man, it’s a date if you sit beside him, acknowledge his presence and he doesn’t mention another girl. Keep that in mind ladies, lest you are surprised by the random kiss exiting the theatre. Ok for you gentleman, here’s the skinny, we will think it is a date if you complete ALL of the following: 

1. Pick us up
2. Open ALL doors
3. Pay for the meal
4. Take us to an activity we like
5. Ask us to talk about ourselves
6. Tell us we are pretty
7. Offer to do something nice for us at a later date

And even if you complete A-G, that doesn’t mean you’re getting any. Unless of course you’re “You Know Who” in which case you had me at A. 

Step 6: Recognizing the more obvious. Like a kiss, like the kiss from above. Not a cheek kiss, well not always, we went over that in Step 2, but if you’re sitting your happily little self on the sofa at a frat party (seriously, why does everything seem to go down at these things) and dude or chic comes over and just kisses you then THEY ARE INTERESTED. There is no rationalizing your way with this, they’re interested, even if it is just for the night. Ya hear me. Kiss. Them. Back. Unless they’re fugly. In that case, just run. 

Step 7: Really, how was that not obvious? I have a friend. He travels a lot for work. A lot. He went out of town for a business trip. Ate dinner alone at the hotel restaurant the night he arrived. Met a couple. Hit it off. Exchanged phone numbers. They texted him all day long the next day, while he was WORKING and in MEETINGS asking him back to dinner. All day. Like even we he said that he was really busy. And kept doing it.  Until he gave in. Wanted to meet in hotel bar. Which he did. Then they wanted to go back to their room after they ate, for drinks. And my friend WENT. And left nearly screaming a few moments later. Moral of the story: Bri can’t fix everyone. 

Step 8: The internet. Now, this can be a little more difficult my friends, because we miss that all important body language from step 2 and even worse when you consider TWO things: One - people lose all filters on the internet, I know I do and Two - everyone is on twitter. For real. True story. Student of mine went on a college visit. Got hot tour guide. Goes home and tweets about how hot he is and other things that, well, I would tweet about ;P.  Few hours later gets a tweet back. “Thanks” From him. So, just make sure if you’re going to do internet flirting, be really obvious and blunt. 

@ladiosabri : I WANT TO KISS YOU MICHAEL SHANKS EVEN THOUGH HOT ROOMMATE WILL KILL ME!!

See? Like that. Obvious.

Step 9: Dearest Hot Roommate. I would like to outline to your high cluelessness my attempted hitting on you in college that you DID NOT GET in the hopes that you will better educate our son. 

1. When a girl kidnaps you in her van (named the Porn Star) from the sidewalk to go to a play - she is hitting on you. 
2. When a girl sits by you during Deliverance and hides in your lap during the “squeal like a pig scene” - she is hitting on you.
3. When a girl takes care of you after you passed out sick in your suite shower after drinking too much Mudslide - she is hitting on you. 
4. When a girl CALLS you to whine after EVERY break up and points out how SWEET you are - she is hitting on you.
5. When a girl KISSES you on the stoop of your dorm after we all start talking about regrets....wait, you GOT that one..just took you THREE years...stupid man....

Step 10: Can I buy you a drink? No, seriously Shanks, I would like to buy you a drink. Yes, I AM hitting on you. Yes, I KNOW you are married. Happily. So am I.  So, let’s make a deal. I’ll play Addy. You play Daniel. Then it’s “acting.” So handsome, what’ll it be, red or white??

How to be a Feminist

How to be a Feminist

Subtitle: There’s this clever little invention. It’s called deodorant. And, if you will recall, I have coupons. 

(On the other hand with 73 days left, you might just want to wash a little better. Save your money for that Ramen we've discussed)

Step 1: Know what you stand for.  Why are you a feminist? Do you believe that woman deserve equal rights, treatment and pay in a modern society? Hun, that doesn’t make you a feminist, that makes you human. It’s the people that believe otherwise that are not.  

Step 2: Wash. Ok, I’m not trying to be a jerk here, I’m not (and we ALL know when I just come out with straight up bitch - this is not one of those times) but I’m seriously trying to figure out what part of standing up for women’s rights means you can’t take care of basic personal hygiene. I’m not intending to be offensive; I really want to know why you are explaining to me about woman being used as slave labor in Colombia due to our coffee consumption and it’s direct correlation with your smelling like a locker room. Feel free to comment below. 

Step 3: Uh, last I checked, cooking wasn’t a sin. Let’s lay this out for you. I am very pro-women’s rights. Hot Roommate stayed home with the kids while I pursued my career and got my Master’s. Hot Roommate will be keeping my kids while I get my PhD. However, this does not mean that I can’t cook a MEAN empanada or bake an amazing cheesecake.  I can. And this does not make me some blue dress wearing house wife. I like to cook. It’s fun.  And if you think otherwise, I’m not sharing. 

Step 4: Ok, I should clarify, shave AND wash. Believe it or not, women didn’t start shaving in order to please men, they started shaving to cut down on lice.  Yes, lice. (I’m a history teacher too, remember, I’m full of delicious little tidbits of information). And as a result of said change in hygienic habits, women discovered that shaving actually led to less sweating and smelling better overall. Not for men. For you. Do you really think that onion smell coming from your pits is pleasant?? Cuz I know if I can smell you, you most definitely can...

Step 5: Stop worrying about other people. I have met feminists that are so concerned about not looking like they need a man for one hot minute that they go out of their way to be different, stand out by dressing in the typical feminist fashion, make sure that every dinner conversation turns to the suppression of women over the centuries, and walk around trying to make sure people never see you smile. What the hell?? Wasn’t NOT worrying about others the point of this movement.  So what if someone wants to wear tight clothes, she had that right. So what if she wants to get a boob job, she had that right. Just do YOUR thing and I will do mine! Oh and I wear tight jeans. Very tight jeans. Because I like to look at my butt in them. I don’t care what the men think either. Except for Michael Shanks. I would care very much what he thought, but not in a man approving of a woman kind of way, but in a I want to use you as my personal sex slave and have you pour me wine but first I have to trap you kind of way...

Step 6: He has a penis, that does make him useful. Well, for that of course, good lord for that, but more so for heavy lifting. Look, biologically, men have more upper body strength. Don’t believe me, let’s consult science http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8477683. It says that biologically they are MADE to be stronger. Yes, you can lift weights and work-out, and I do, like a fiend, much to Hot Roommate’s annoyance at times, but if he is going to be stronger anyway, use him!! Yes, USE!! Men LIKE to be used. Let him open that jar for you, carry the bookcase up three flights of stairs, change that tire. Because there is no way you wanted to actually do that shit, is there? Admit it..... You would rather be blogging about how morally superior you are....

Step 7: Clean, shave, wash, wear deodorant...why am I having to be this specific??? I am all the way on step 7 and am still trying to figure out how not taking care of one’s self proves that women are better than men. What about you? I mean, I like smelling nice, it’s like aroma therapy right? Feel the mint...embrace the mint....

Step 8: Things that are not an attack on your independence. 

1. Door openings. It’s just polite. In fact, in the south we can spot a Yankee a MILE away because they are the ass that let the door slam in your face. 
2. Anything with the word “man” in it. We lived in a male dominated society for a long time and people just named things willy-nilly. They did NOT name them just to piss you off and we do not need to RENAME them to make you feel better, we are correcting the problem with NEW things now! Remember when you made fun of Republicans over “Freedom Fries”?? You are doing the SAME DAMN THING!!
3. Strip clubs. Because you seem to have a major problem with woman taking off their clothes for money (and I know strippers, some of them LIKE their job) but you have no problem dashing off to a live show of Magic Mike because they someone deserve to be objectified. Either there are NO strip clubs, or you deal with both, life does not go both ways. 
4. When your date pays for dinner. Especially when that date is male. Go back to A. It’s just nice and polite.  Sometimes I even try to buy dinner for others. If someone tries to buy you dinner, a drink (not sending you a drink in a strange bar, but while you are their together) or even a popcorn at the movie do not automatically assume they want to sleep with you. They might just be being nice.  Except for you Mr. Canadian Hot Pants. I AM trying so you just keep that in mind...

Step 9: How to avoid a relapse: A mini how to....

1. Get up and shower every morning. It makes you smell good, brightens your day and makes you a happier person. (Which might be the source of all of this nonsense in the first place)
2. Remember that nice does not mean condescending. Smile when people do pleasant things and by all means pay it forward. 
3. Be who you are, even if that chic carries a coach handbag, wears high heels and have facial tattoos.  
4. Stop reading blogs, forums, watching The View (they DO NOT represent REAL women) or doing another activity that makes you want to go and picket about something stupid when we have children starving. Wait, which bring me to step 9A. 

Step 9A: CHILDREN ARE NOT EVIL.  You, dumbass, were a child once, so stop looking at them like they should no longer exist. You don’t want to have kids, fine, but don’t look at me like there is something wrong with me because I did OR condemn the woman who choose to stay home with them. Remember the part about it being a woman’s CHOICE. My mom CHOSE to stay home with us. She is also a black belt and can whup your ass. Case closed. 

Step 10: Have a beer. Yes, a beer, all grainy and hoppy and manly and NOT organic sage infused red juice of the fuckin’ goddness. Drink a god damn cheap beer, because believe it or not, you’re no better than the rest of us...

As a REAL feminist, who believes a woman can do just as well as a man and look damn hot doing it, I approve this message.