How to Create Shenanigans

How to Create Shenanigans

Subtitle: I was using this word WAY before Mr. Canadian Hot Pants said it last week which makes him all the more creepy.

Subsubtitle: Ok, so this is kinda of a movie review, but I think straight reviews are boring. 

Step 1: Check Twitter. Go home from a nice dinner, get comfy, put on your PJ's, decide to absorb yourself into something stupid on Netflix and see on Twitter that people are going to see 'Mama' which is supposedly SO scary that people are LEAVING the theatre. 

Oh my Athena!

It's been way too long since you saw GOOD horror, not canned crap for stupid people. People are leaving?? 

Excellent! 

Step 2: Gather your crew. Always start with Hot Roommate (or YOUR other, not mine) because he's fun.  After all, if you didn't marry somebody fun you made a huge mistake. However it is only an offer because once you start explaining the film Hot Roommate will ask you to no longer explain, that he's not going. Call your close friend (Pseudo Brother) that watches the same kinda scary mess as you. The conversation will go like this:

Me: Hey, wanna go see Mama?

PB: When?

Me: At ten. 

PB: It's nine fifteen. How are you gonna get here? You live in the boonies.

Me: Whatever. Be at your place in 20 minutes. Get dressed. 

PB: I'm not responsible for any tickets. 

Hey hey, I got my first speeding ticket only a few weeks ago. I've learned my lesson, I'm much more careful now. 

I realized that cop cars are smaller than you think and you need to slow down near signs. 

P.S. Kidnap your sister. She's even more fun now that she's almost a college student. 

Step 3: ...

"How do I get to your place?"

"How long have you guys been friends and you can't get to his place?"

"He moves a lot." 

"I do NOT. Like twice in twelve years. She just has no memory." 

"Sister you're a bad friend." 

"Just tell me how to get there." 

"Where are you?"

"Passing the elementary school."

"That's the OTHER WAY."

"What!?! I'm lost."

"No you're not, you're just hopeless. Keep straight to the next light." 

"Uh, we're gonna be late."

"This is why I never drive." 

"I hate being late to a movie."

"So do I." 

"Does anyone care that I am lost?" 

"You are not lost. Just, never mind. Right at the light." 

See ^... shenanigans

Step 4: Notice the details. Here are some of the more exciting details I noticed in the first fifteen minutes of 'Mama'

a. It stars Jamie Lannister (a.k.a. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) - YUMMY  (Seriously HBO have you not recognized that Michael Shanks would also be a HAWT choice for your programming. I can't abide this sensitive shit you Canadian programmers keep putting him in.)

b. It takes places in RICHMOND & VIRGINIA!!! #RVA REPRESENT!!! 

c. DEL TORO. As a Spanish teacher and fan of Pan's Labyrinth words cannot express how excited I was too see that name. 

d. Oh wait...there are a lot of names of Spanish language origin...*peeks at compadres*...maybe I should warn them....

Step 5: Holy shit that monster is scary! Wait, we are less than 20 minutes in and there it is!! And it breaks necks none of this stupid gore for the sake of that really makes no damn sense shit....AWESOME. 

But I have to ask...cherries? Is there some symbolism?? *takes out phone, sees usher with flashlight, hides phones*

(Looked it up later, symbol of good deeds which considering how this story played out is FANTASTIC irony. Well done Del Toro, well done). 

Step 6: Wait, what!?!? Did Jamie Lannister (I have stopped calling him Lucas, his character's name b/c I cannot focus on anything other than the new season of Game of Thrones) just DIE right now?? This is NOT a Michael Shanks movie people, the main character does not just die. 

Ok, he lived. 

Wait, how the fuck did he live?

Seriously, I would like a fake doctor with a fake chart to explain this to me. 

Now. 

And feed Jessica Chastain a cheeseburger. 

She looks like Evil Lynn. 

This is Evil Lynn. Note the cheekbones make her look skeletal because she works for Skeletor.

If we are trying to emulate He-Man characters she SHOULD look like this:

This is Teela. Note that while she is thin and sexy that she does not have a sunken in starved face.

Step 7: I can't concentrate. Every single time they say "Richmond" I'm squeeing like an idiot. I just cannot get over the use of Richmond, VA in TV and movies lately, it's just so exciting that I'm actually screaming at this ghost thing jumping out at me (I DON'T get scared by stuff like this, all of this Richmond is distracting me) and my sister is practically in my lap and my amigo to my right yelling out "Oh dear god." 

To be honest, I'm WWAAAYYY more creeped out by the younger sister. 

THAT is gonna give me nightmares...

By the way, that's not chocolate on her face. It's MOTH. Ass-nasty. 

Step 8: I forgot to warn you, didn't I? Remember the whole Spanish name thing...yeah...now that Jamie Lannister is awake, not ONE damn thing broken WTH, Evil Lynn is STILL with the kids and he's having a awake dream that he cannot distinguish from reality from his twin brother who is contorting unnaturally under a bridge that my friend beside me swears he has driven under and is summarily creeped out. This my friends is Magic Realism. If you are not familiar with it, please visit HERE: What is Magic Realism? Basic synopsis = Magic Realism blurs the lines between reality and fantasy in a story only to come to the conclusion that no lines really exist at all.

Sorry, AP/IB teacher nerd moment.
I want Daniel Jackson as my person slave.
There, back to normal.

Step 9: I need to have my blog How to Survive a Horror Movie sent to all major movie studios. The awesomeness of the magic realism touches in this film or not (I mean this is getting pretty mixed with the realities and while some people are still screaming in the theatre others are no longer amused...) you need to recognize that breaking the rules I have mentioned above will get you killed. Period.

Oh and telling someone "I love you" is the kiss of death.
Like having sex.
That's what I meant when I shouted that out in the theatre you perverts.

Step 10: I need gas but the station is closed so I can't get wine too. Probably best, they only sell Moscato anyway. Time to head back to the boonies.

I've probably got some Spanish in the cabinet.
But hand to Dionysus if I moth comes out of that drawer I'm gonna shit myself. 

How to Communicate

How to Communicate

Subtitle: People have forgotten HOW to do simpler things. Again. Like in 2013 I need to go back to the basics. We're gonna start here. 

Step 1: Thinking before acting. This was my Tae Kwon Do studio's motto.  Basically it means that you need to think things through before opening your mouth, typing that text/tweet/FaceBook status or doing something. Here is how it should work: 

IDEA  -------> Is this a good idea? Does it make sense? Could it be misunderstood? Could it hurt someone? 

If yes to the first two and no to the rest then by all means, proceed.

If no to the first two and yes to the next two then STOP YOUR STUPID ASS AND HAVE SOME WINE. (See Step 10) 

Step 2: Did I mention NOT to be an asshat? 

Step 3: Speak properly when you do. I don't mean having flawless grammar, we all make mistakes and you're an asshole like discussed in #1 if you jump RIGHT on someone's status, tweet, text, verbal instructions etc, to point out something silly and common. This, however, is different than speaking professionally. Remember me teaching online? Here is a conversation that I had the other day with another professional that is in charge of helping the students in the building with the computers and tech. 

Other teacher: So, the listening section is only working on one computer. 

Me: Ok (asks a few questions to trouble shoot - easily discovers problem). You will need to update Java on the other computers. 

Other teacher: WHAT!?!? I did that already, in like (yes she said LIKE!!) in August. 

Me: Yeah, but they offer updates throughout the year. I had to do my own yesterday. 

Other teacher: That is SOOO stupid. I'm just gonna play it really loud. 

See the above conversation. That's a no-no. Be professional. 

And never use THESE words: OLD INFORMATIVE BLOG

No wine here, we need you coherent. 

Step 4: Don't be an asshat. No one likes an asshat and if you're an asshat no one is listening to you and then no communication is occurring. 

Step 5: Research what you are talking about or at least have a clue. I'm not asking that you become an expert, but have some basis for your blather. Case in point: Politics. My favorite thing is to hear people blame their problems on legislation that often has little to do with their lives. Now, I'm not taking a side in this, in fact I personally think our entire Congress should be fired and someone should make a sistah the president. But don't go blaming EVERY problem in Healthcare on ObamaCare because Fox News tells you and remember that crazy people in countries without guns just use dirty bombs and we don't hear about it because THEY don't have a twenty-four hour news cycle. Use FACTS and not emotions if you choose to discuss these things. 

Getting riled up? Skip to step 10 :) OR just think about Daniel. 

But he kinda gets me riled up.

Ya might wanna scratch that...

Step 6: Hey asshat! Did you just say what? If so, don't open your mouth. 

Step 7: Speaking of Daniel (remember, step 5, before my asshat reminder) be diplomatic.  Like I kinda hinted in Step 1, don't just think before you open your trap but think while that trap is going. Be diplomatic. You don't have to agree with someone but you do have to respect them and their differences. Listen to their side, consider their feelings and thoughts and then offer your own. Take turns and ask questions. Yes, this was a serious step because negotiating is serious business. 

Imagine your negotiator. Naked. 

See, Daniel Jackson naked works EVERYTIME.

Dammit, I'm all riled up again. 

Better skip to 10. 

Step 8: Seriously, I have dedicated EVERY even numbered step to get you to clue in. If you're an asshat, have ever been told you are an asshat, wonder if you're an asshat, your best method of communication is to be quiet until you master the odd numbered steps. 

Great. 

Thanks. 

Step 9: Anything I can do you can't do better. Look, life is not a competition. Life is about fun and treating each other with respect. Stop making the entire basis of every conversation trying to one up me and everyone else. No one wants to talk to someone like that. It doesn't make you relatable, it makes my happy news less significant, in fact in one asshatted moment you just stomped my good news or funny comment or happy thought into the dirt. That makes you an asshat. 

Stop talking. 

Step 10: When all else fails, drink. Alcohol is truth serum, no matter what anyone says, and in my humble opinion, one can always have great conversation with a glass of wine. Or shine. Or microbrew. 

Just don't be an asshat. 

Or just serve them Aristocrat. 

And make them crash on the floor. 

How NOT to be the cause of the end of the world

How NOT to be the cause of the end of the world

Subtitle: I legit almost lost it. For real. Here is how I didn’t. 

Step 1: Call Jodie. Ok, don’t call Jodie because the woman has other things to do than calm people down, but find a friend who has the ability to go days without sleep and call them. They will listen to you rant, try to understand and then send you insane things to make you feel better. 

Step 2: Watch dirty British comedies. Because when you are essentially told the educational equivalent of “you have six months to make it to the moon, here’s you Model T to do it in” you need to laugh and watching Eddie Izzard talk about God handing out sexual positions, or better yet, Michael McIntyre go nuts about his man drawer, you tend to be a little less....homicidal. 

Step 3: Try to take every stupid thing that happened in your meeting and make it a Stargate scenario. If you are a fan of Stargate and my OC Fan Fic Series Continuation Surprise Package here is a tid bit: 

Here was my synopsis: "Ad, ja-wer, my love, I need u to get to work on new Ancient dictionary" "Indy don't we have 1?" "Yea, but IOA wants another FOR NO REASON"

Here was my conversation with another fan fic writer friend of mine: 

There was more. Follow us. It was long and funny and amused me. Like most things do. 

Step 4: While you are at it write a Daniel & Addy sex scene, I mean why the hell not?? Open up a new pages file and have Adrienne relieve a little tension. Then get mad because you are in public and feel icky writing sex in Panera bread. So, wait until you get home to write this blog and find you already wrote a similar scene it and it is RIGHT here. 

Step 5: Get Wine. Yep, in step 5. Like the ENTIRE BOTTLE. You hopefully have closed the Panera bread, they close earlier than you thought, and now you are headed home and you need to stop for wine, not, and NOT Moscato because what is that my friends??? (If you forgot see here) and take it home and pour. 

Step 6: Get ice cream and rum, or, more like get your significant other to bring it home because you are well into your bottle of ruche and there is no way that you can stand let alone, get Ben & Jerry’s hunny....Chunkee Munkee...iz yummy....and Malibu rum....yeah...

Step 7: The gym is open till midnight...SHIT! How many calories are in that?!?! Take me to the gym. Serilsuly...I’m not drunk...Imma gunna lift weights....here...hold that....

On the floor

NOT doing sit ups

Doesn’t laughing count. 

Step 8: Call Jodie drunk and sore and ask for more British comedy. If she is asleep, which she should be, you truly need to sleep more sweetie, I care and worry, just search for Rhod Gilbert. Because nothing, truly, in funnier than watching him try to understand a $200 toothbrush. 

Step 9: Take solace in the fact that the world is gonna end next week and you are too drunk right now to buy a bomb and be the cause of it. I’m not even sure what I am typing anymore. Am I blogging? Am I writing Surprise Package? Am I grading? Is the meaning of life 42? 

Step 10: Pass out. Can somebody please put me to bed and forward this shit to MGM or whoever the fuck might find me creative or funny. Thanks. In the meantime I am going to dream that I am Addy and Daniel is nuzzling close to me.... (Didn’t think I’d get him in, didya?? Boo-yah) 

How to Celebrity Stalk Proper

Subtitle: Lessons learned from Twitter. Greatest. Internet. Platform. Ever

78 days remain. Ya might wanna get your stalk on... 
Just a suggestion...

Step 1: Do select a proper target. Now, granted, I chose well (I mean besides the Grecian God part that proves how well I chose) and I’m not under the insane impression that I will ever run into someone as hugely famous as, let’s say, Morgan Freeman, who I think is personal friends with God. Pick a celeb based on their work, their real talents and someone worthy of your time. Or just watch Stargate and become obsessed at 30. That worked for me...

Step 2: Don’t Learn EVERYTHING about them. Now, there is a stark difference between going on IMDB and wikipedia, learning when their birthday is, cool things about their upbringing, likes and dislikes and looking up their public records. Yeah, you know who you are, I’m looking at you. Because while painting one’s fingernails blue before going to a Stargate Con because blue is Michael Shanks favorite color is 100% acceptable, knowing about a celebs financials (foreclosures), getting the home addy and agent’s email address is just creepy.  CREEPY. CREE-PEEE.

Step 3: Do stalk their twitter, website, etc. and find out where they are because these little lovelies do not use social media to talk to their friends, they use it to self-promote. I will let you digest that lest you thought otherwise. So....read their cute little snippets about work because they tell you what they are working on which can also tell you where they are. Please do not confuse this for step 2, step 2 you are searching for creepy things, step 3 THEY are giving you this information. And sometimes they are obvious. Like “I am going to Chicago Con.” Boo-yah. 

Step 4: Do create an accidental meet-up, but I couldn’t, could I?? because you are so damn elusive like a frakkin’ cat (Lion-o, hee hee) and the only thing I COULD run into you doing I don’t because I’m a runner and I’m highly allergic and that would be so attractive going into a coughing fit and convulsing on the sidewalk.......wait....then you’d have to save me.....perform CPR....... (dashes from hotel room)

Step 5: Don’t hide in the bushes. I said accidental. The bushes are NOT accidental. Nor are they believable. Not only is there no profession in which one hangs out amongst bordering foliage, but incase you missed the box of crayons that are skin tone, not a one of them is green.  So don’t do that, you just look creepy and become twitter fodder. And you make my blog. In not a good way either.  (See Step 2 again) 

Step 6: Do follow their tour bus, innocently after the concert to see if they will happen to stop at a place for normal folks, like, well, the Waffle House (I mean really, no matter how famous you are, who in the hell does NOT love the Waffle House!?!) and just sit on down and enjoy some covered and smothereds with them. Cuz for some reason they don’t seem to mind. 

Step 7: Don’t quit you good paying job to go to one event, ONE event, that lasts only a few days on the off chance that your celebrity crush might be there, and you might be able to see them for a few seconds, only to go, have them not show up and realize as you are eating your Zombie apocalypse ramen noodles and living by candlelight you really didn’t have the nerve to speak to them anyway would you have run into them.  Ya can’t eat and you didn’t even get a hug? You my dear win a Darwin. 

Step 8: Do blog about them on the off chance that they are reading this but doing that elusive Lion-o shit and will act like they never read it while they are secretly laughing their asses off. *hopes* *prays to Athena* *does dance while sacrificing a virgin* (kidding in the last one guys, kidding) 

Step 9: Don’t get drunk. On blood wine. And challenge a beloved celeb to a wrestling match to back up the shirt that he is wearing. Mostly because he is too nice to have you arrested, but you will scar him, so much so that when he later sees some perfectly friendly Klingons hanging out on the hot tub discussing universe domination in their native language, you will frighten him and he will stop doing conventions so normal Vala-like people like me will be unable to jump him. (Just kidding - but seriously dude, let’s have a few, shall we?) 

Step 10: Do buy them a drink. Seriously, are you reading this Shanks!! I know you read the letter, now bring your ass back to Chicago because I AT LEAST owe you a drink. No kidnapping, no Vala-ing (much), I PROMISE.  And I’ll make sure it is Spanish. Because anything else is just not worthy. Of you OR me ;P 

How to Have an Alter Ego

How to Have an Alter Ego

Subtitle: Let the good times roll, or as Addy would say: Laisser les bons temps rouler!!

96 days left. Wish this number had some meaning.  It doesn’t. So just read. 

Step 1: Get outvoted on baby names. This is essential to creating your alter ego because you will need to name this person. Now, since I’m Southern and it is expected that I breed immediately upon or right before high school graduation, I had baby names planned and in my jewelry box since about age 13 or 14.  Boy: Anakin Skywalker. Girl: Kira Rowan.  So, when Hot Roommate and I found out we were preggo, I happily presented him with said names to which he happily replied Boy: Oh hell no and Girl: That’s a muppet.  Baby name fail.  

Step 2: Get pissed at your fav TV show. Yeah, I admit it, I am having an emotional affair. With Daniel Jackson. Sweet Athena, if that man was real there would be some SERIOUS issues, no joking here at all. So, imagine my dismay when they not only introduced him a love interest, putting me into a fan girl jealous rage, but that love interest was played by an awesome kickass chick who was quickly degraded to helpless sex bimbo. I quite literally screamed at the TV. And threw things. And during the finale hoped Sam made him some STD medication. 

Step 3: Start daydreaming.  Alright, so that final episode was called “Unending” so it didn’t end, right? They erased everything and went back to normal.  Movie acted like it didn’t happen. Alright, so what IF the right person came along?? Like, uh, me....let’s just advance step 10 a bit shall we??? Bring me a glass of wine and just sit over there, let me meditate for a few....

Step 4: Drink a lot of coffee. Yeah, see what we have to do to after you start drinking too soon, I thought we’d covered this. Drink coffee, chug it lady (or gentleman), because you’re gonna need it.  Those daydreams invade your entire mind, you think about it every free moment, as you run, as you do yoga, going to bed, walking, cooking dinner SHIT MY EMPANADAS ARE ON FIRE!!! Put out dinner fire and realize that you need this coffee to stay awake at night because Hot Roommate and the kids need to be gone while you daydream. 

Step 5: Write. So, you have all of these crazy ideas in your head. Write them down, in any form.  Computer, pad to paper, just write and write and write, even just one or two lines of dialog. Because what’s gonna start happening is that you’re gonna start thinking like her. A lot. Because really, she’s you. The you you would be if you actually let yourself keep being yourself and stopped worrying about ignorant asshats that live to bring you down. Write that down to. It’s fun to kill off people you don’t like. 

Step 6: Get a Twitter account. Now, not only can you stalk and have one line conversations with the last remaining Grecian God, Michael Shanks, aka Mr. Canadian Hot Pants, but you will meet a bunch of awesome crazy people who think like you and who have not been around to see you fall to pieces and not be yourself.  They will accept you and this alter ego. In fact, they will call you by her name. Oh, her name, you ask? If you’ve read the stories (if not click here) her name is not Kira is it? Ok take Kira - subtract creepy old lady that made herself younger and Daniel fell for gross I was better + add me, Brianne but realize that I did marry Hot Roommate and there is no Mary Sue worse than one with the same damn name - Bri to make it less obvious + add watching Annie with your daughter one night while you are writing = Adrienne.  Thank Athena Rowan made ok sense. 

Step 7: Change your stars. Realize that you have created this kick ass person that is everything you were destined to be, that is why you made her to be with HIM. Literally be everything she is thereby slowly turning into everything you wanted to be.  Except for the archaeology degree part. You looked into that mess before. You would be poor, like Ramen noodle poor. You would not be able to take your kids, and eventually you’d miss them. You would live in scary places, places that don’t think woman should drive cars because of course you like Biblical archaeology. Let’s stick with teaching, I’m sure Daniel will find that acceptable ;).

Step 8: Go to meet your Daniel. Ya look like her. Ya act like her. Ya dress like her.  Be her. Have your picture taken with him back to back instead of the typical huggy pose even though he looks at you funny as you tell him to deal it’s a fan fic thing.  Tap your feet, hoping, praying that the pic will look good. Rush downstairs to collect your prize and there it is. The picture.  Just like you imagined it would be!! There she is, your alter ego, and there is...wait...DAMMIT!! You forgot to bring him glasses..... ARGH!!!!! 

Step 9: Let your friends go to town. They will mock, pick, tease, but whatever.  There’s you, who you have to be and then there’s her/him, who you can be in your dreams. Remember the writing thing? Keep going! Who the hell else gets to live two lives, two awesome lives. Let ‘em hate. Bitches just be jealous.  

Step 10: You got it, and Adrienne had an entire cabinet, you will know if you’ve read. If not, it’s all good. Pour a glass, sit back and relax. In front of your computer. Because that gives you a good idea for a story.  

How to Properly Use Social Media

How to Properly Use Social Media

Subtitle: Brianne’s Humor 101 - Don’t ever take anything that seriously.  

Step 1:  Understand social media.  What is social media? Social Media, by definition is: “forms of electronic communication (as Web sites for social networking and microblogging) through which users create online communities to share information, ideas, personal messages, and other content (as videos)” (Thank you Merriam Webster online).  Or, in normal people words, we don’t like to talk to real people anymore, so we do it online but not even in a direct damn fashion.  Social media, in reality, was invented to connect like minded people that might have passed each other in life and to network for professional ventures. Don’t believe me? Google the founders of ANY social media outlet, I guar-an-damn-tee that their intention was NOT for people to share what they were eating for dinner, their location every five seconds or to beg for money.  

Step 2:  Know your social media. In this step, we shall begin with Facebook.  Facebook is probably the most used form of social media. You can share photos, events, how you are feeling and games with your friends, neighbors and complete strangers in foreign countries.  While you can fill it with a LOT of personal information, there should be a limit to said information.  People have forgotten what kinds of things are private and what kinds of things are not.  Your money problems, private.  Your marital status, private. Your sex life, private.  I don’t want to know about ANY of that, nor do I want to share it with you.  In fact, I am one of those people who will post fake crap concerning those three areas above and more just to screw with you.  

Step 3:  And, on that note, let’s continue with Facebook shall we? Why step 3? Because this needs it’s own step.  If you spilt up with your significant other and are NOT 15 years old, you should NOT go to Facebook FIRST to change your status. Facebook was designed for college students that had nothing else better to do than try to get laid. In fact, the simple fact that “It’s complicated” is an option in relationship bothers me to no end, hence the reason why every chance I get to mess with my awesome husband, I change said status to play with him.  He does it too people, you just aren’t friends with him! This is not to diss my friends who are so sweet and worry about me when I make said crazy changes (or even better when I marry myself off to Michael Shanks / Daniel Jackson who some people thought was my REAL boyfriend LOL - I wish...) The sad part is that you kind sweet people think jokes like I make are real because stupid people are using this to air their dirty laundry, which is not why it was invented.  Keep that crap to yourself or unfriend me. 

Step 4: Facebook, continued.  I am really on a roll here, aren’t I? If I am going to offend, I might as well go full tilt.  Now, the next thing that drives me crazy on Facebook are causes.  Don’t get me wrong, I fully support your cancer run, etc. and will be happy to contribute when I can, but some of your other causes.... that I won’t mention.  Let me put it to you this way, as long as there are starving children and people dying due to a lack of health insurance, I really can’t care about much else. So, you can post it, but don’t tag me in it or put it on my wall because I might tell you how I really feel.  

Step 5:  Facebook, partie quatre. Bragging.  Now, aside from the “I’m in the bathroom right now” and/or “Life sucks. Why does life hate me, screw the world” status people, on the other end of the spectrum we have the braggarts. The ‘my life is peaches and cream perfect’ and I am going to brag about every vacation, shopping trip, life achievement, etc. every five freakin seconds so much so that you want to unfriend me.  You know these people; we all have them in our lists.  This is DIFFERENT from sharing good news with your network, these people look like they artfully craft each and every post to rub in your face how good their life is.  For you people understand this, we are not idiots.  We know you are crazily insecure and need those strokes to your ego.  And we aren’t jealous of you when you post that crap; we just feel sorry for you... (P.S. For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook I only post such things for a) my inlaws because they live 600 miles away and it is easier than calling all of them or b) in smartass retaliation for some else’s stupidity in breaking above the mentioned rules). 

Step 6:  Twitter.  Thought I was going to continue ranting about Facebook, didn’t you? Nope, we are going to move on to the latest trend in media.  Twitter was meant to send short snippets of information to a list of followers.  And stalk celebrities.  Who are using it to self-promote. Which is what it was intended for.  It is not for making friends, keeping friends or anything else that would replace normal human interaction.  I like to read about what people I admire are doing and yes I do tweet to Mr. Canadian Hot Pants and yes he has answered me, more than once, but I do not think that this means I will actually ever be friends with this man nor does it mean that you are friends with who you are tweeting to and/or who tweets you back.  Honestly, I see the purpose as small sarcastic texts sent to an audience.  That’s it. I tweet through Game of Thrones to make fun of each and every little insane detail to amuse myself, and others.  So, if you are doing any of the same things that you are doing in the above mentioned Facebook steps, stop.  It makes you look stupid.

AMENDED - YOU CAN MAKE FRIENDS ON TWITTER!!! FRIENDS THAT RULE!!! FRIENDS I LOVE. AND MEET AWESOME CELEBS LIKE CORIN NEMEC WHO IS GREAT!!!   

Step 7: Blogs.  Ok, yes, it’s ironic that I am going to blast blogs while writing a blog, but isn’t that the point in this to be ironic.  Or sarcastic.  See, I am trying to teach how my sense of humor works.  Blogging is very cathartic, I know, almost as cathartic as my cheesy stories I write or watching ‘The Wiener's Circle” with my husband (Have you guys seen that? CLASSIC) and while you can blog about what you want, please keep in mind a few things.  Blogs are PUBLIC.  PUBLIC.  People can hunt you down and stalk you if you put on there your freakin location, etc. AND/OR people can search for your your entries and FIND out creepy crap about you.  I have seen blogs that have about every piece of personal information known to mankind but your Social Security number and then you go gripin on Facebook (back to Facebook - see - it all goes back to freakin’ Facebook) that you have weirdoes messaging you OR had your idenitiy stolen.  Can we be smart about this people, ok? 

Step 8:  Now to explain Brianne’s sense of humor (For the humorless and the insanely kind whose friendship I greatly appreciate) 

Social Media Outlet	How it was intended to be used	How Bri uses it
Facebook	Began as a college student directory (primarily for dating) and expanded to be a directory to track down friends.	To let long-distance friends and relatives know how my family is doing and to amuse myself by posting insane statuses (stati - what’s the correct plural here)
Twitter	To send text messages to a small group of people rather than doing that select all crap with your phone.	To make fun of things and tweet Michael Shanks. In neither case am I ever really being serious.
Blogs	Short, online articles used by publishers to entice further reading.	Can’t you see the description above.  Basically, I want to be a smart aleck. Ergo, you need to not take ANY of this seriously.
Tumblr	For people to make small, photo and video based websites dedicated to a topic	Don’t use this, ain’t got the time.  Would LOVE to have the time, but I barely get papers graded, house cleaned and children fed.
Pinterest	To create boards where things you want to remember are logged for later use	To make a list of fantasy dresses I want custom made that I would legit wear in public AND post pictures of Mr. Canadian Hot Pants.

Step 9: More on Brianne’s humor part 2.  I am NOT an alcoholic.  It’s a joke.  In fact, there are like 2 bottles of Spanish wine in there.  Unopened.  That might not get opened until this weekend, if I feel like it.  And, since I work out like a freak, I probably won’t feel like it.  Don’t lecture me; I am trying to be funny. If if weren’t for those buckle-hatted bastards we wouldn’t even be having this conversation, would we?

Step 10: Michael Shanks. Thought we’d get to him sooner, didn’t we?  Let’s lay this out there.  I NEVER had a celeb crush as a kid, no Teen Beat or Tiger Pop mags, never.  I got my first and ONLY celeb crush at 30 years old.  Do I think he is a great actor? Yes.  Do I think he is the hottest man on the planet? Yes. Do want to meet him? Yes. Do I plan to run away to Canada to throw myself at him? No, that’s stupid.  It is stupid that people even think that.  In fact, the reason I mention him so much is that it has become an inside joke between me and my husband of 8 years. He thinks it’s funny, and if he thinks it’s funny, then we’re fine.  Again, it is a joke, you people need to take it easy.  And, on the off chance he is reading this and ever gets to this entry - joking aside, I think you are really awesome and would like to buy you a drink :-)