How to Run a Half Marathon

How to Run a Half Marathon

Subtitle: You don’t have to look very far for him here. He’s is step one. As he should be. 

39 days left but I am not worried. I can use a sword AND outrun the fudgers. Bring on the zombies. 

Step 1: Change your stars. Turn 30, fall to pieces, get addicted to a Sci-Fi TV show you over looked in college and grad school because you were taking a silly amount of credit hours each semester and fall in love with a fictional character not because he is hot, although you realize about season five as they are killing him off that he is like Apollo/Adonis hot - how did I MISS THAT, but because he never gives up. Thank you Daniel, for everything. 

Step 2: Pick a race. Ok, so I bitch about Virginia and threaten to move to Canada, Spain, Miami and Mexico, but in reality I have a passionate love affair with Richmond. I have to say that having done a few races here now, this is the FRIENDLIEST place to run on the planet, maybe even the universe. (Not that I have gated anywhere to know yet... :p) So, yes, I’m probably not going anywhere, so you might as well come here. I’ll meet you at the party stop. 

Step 3: Commit in ink. Sure, the damn race costs $75-$100 and you would THINK that is enough, but really, if you freak out enough you can back out of anything and convince yourself that the costs can be made up by not eating out a few nights or something. You need something a bit more, well, permanent. I suggest a tattoo. Because nothing says commitment like ink that will never go away. Oh, and if you were wondering, I went with a runner on my left outside ankle. Not a mustache and goatee.... (I’m STILL not over that comment LOL). 

Step 4: Start training. No jokes here, I went to marathonrookie.com and printed a race plan that matched the number of weeks I had to commit to this. That’s IT.  Nothing against those who chose to pay $200+ for the training teams, but like Greek Life in college, I don’t pay for stuff I can get for free. Sorry. 

Step 5: Get encouragement, because let’s face it, you’re like the only person you know doing this and there is no one to run with you. Enlist EVERY human being you can. Recruit your twitter army to send Daniel Jackson pictures to you every time you go on a long run. Recruit your Facebook friends to post wall messages throughout the entire process. Have your spouse run your put crew to bring you water and flashlights when the sun goes down as you are 5/6 of the way through your double digit Saturday runs. Get people to write well wishes on your virtual wall, send you messages that you will carry in your bottle. Get your students and family to sign your technical shirt.  Mail your last race shirt to LONDON so your friend can tell Michael Shanks what you are doing so he can sign the shirt, give you a message and take the time to give a shit which makes you cry. You need each and everyone one of these people. TRUST ME. Because this is NOT EASY.

Step 6: Have the most AWESOME in-laws in the FRAKKIN’ world. In-laws that get you a hotel room at the Jefferson, the POSHEST hotel in Richmond (I LOVE YOU MARY) and then have same said awesome in-laws take you to the Tobacco Company for the Race Day special (which I kid you NOT was the biggest piece of Chicken Parm I have EVER seen in my ENTIRE life). You need this too, you need a good place to sleep close to the start and a full tummy. Rest well. Tomorrow is a big day. 

Step 7: Wake up early. Get dressed, attach your number, listen to Hot Roommate chew out room service because your protein shake is late, hug Adorable Nerd and Fashionista in Training, race downstairs, take coffee from the AWESOME hotel staff who have it ready and waiting for anyone with a race number and walk a mile to the starting line.  Meet up with other runners, chat it up, calm your nerves, tweet like there is no tomorrow.  Oh my Athena we’re moving. Headphones it. Marathon playlist on. Starting Tweet prepped. Imma make you my bitch. 

Step 8: Run like the wind. Holy cow this is soo cool! Like the 10K was cool but this is the SHIT. Notice everything because, since we are in Richmond after all, there be crazy mess. First, I’d like someone to explains the tutus to me because I have run like 8 races in the past year and every time someone is wearing tutu and I am so confused. Note that your former Grad School (Go University of Richmond SPIDERS!) now has a Quidditch team (because of course there was no cool shit like that when I was there). Stop at every water station, you get more thirsty than you would imagine. Slap EVERY child’s hand you pass, EVERY, because it is 8 am and they are up in coats outside to cheer you on. Oh, and DON’T take the gel at mile 8. That is NASTY, like super nasty. Like, I wish I could puke that up nasty but I have to keep running. Instead, wait till you get to VCU frat row. Like the 10K they are giving out beer and people are REALLY taking it! TAKE THE BEER!!! YES, I KNOW it is only step 8, but TAKE THE BEER. 

Step 9: Push through the pain. About mile 11 all of a sudden your left buttock decides that it no longer wants to be part of your body no matter the amount of negotiating that you’re doing with it. Seriously ass?! My KNEES are what the doctors have been worrying about and today YOU decide to give me problems. Tweet for help, help will come and keep pushing. Keep pushing. Keep pushing. JUST KEEP PUSHING.

Step 10: There it is and it’s okay to cry. The music around you is finally louder than the music in your headphones, there is a big banner at the end of the hill and there’s your family and you’re tweeting the finish and everyone is telling you to run like hell and as if your friends are psychic text messages start flying in; the announcer is calling that you’ve made it, you’ve finished, run, run, run and cry. Fall into Hot Roommate’s arms (not mine though) and cry. Because you changed your stars. Thank you Daniel Jackson. Thank you Michael Shanks. Thank you Jack(Hot Roommate). Thank you Mom. Thank you kiddos. Thank you to my friends. Thank you to my students. Thank you everyone. YOU have made this possible. YOU helped me conquer it all. 

Forget the wine. I am going to get UV Chocolate Cake Vodka. 

Bottom’s up! 

How to be a Feminist

How to be a Feminist

Subtitle: There’s this clever little invention. It’s called deodorant. And, if you will recall, I have coupons. 

(On the other hand with 73 days left, you might just want to wash a little better. Save your money for that Ramen we've discussed)

Step 1: Know what you stand for.  Why are you a feminist? Do you believe that woman deserve equal rights, treatment and pay in a modern society? Hun, that doesn’t make you a feminist, that makes you human. It’s the people that believe otherwise that are not.  

Step 2: Wash. Ok, I’m not trying to be a jerk here, I’m not (and we ALL know when I just come out with straight up bitch - this is not one of those times) but I’m seriously trying to figure out what part of standing up for women’s rights means you can’t take care of basic personal hygiene. I’m not intending to be offensive; I really want to know why you are explaining to me about woman being used as slave labor in Colombia due to our coffee consumption and it’s direct correlation with your smelling like a locker room. Feel free to comment below. 

Step 3: Uh, last I checked, cooking wasn’t a sin. Let’s lay this out for you. I am very pro-women’s rights. Hot Roommate stayed home with the kids while I pursued my career and got my Master’s. Hot Roommate will be keeping my kids while I get my PhD. However, this does not mean that I can’t cook a MEAN empanada or bake an amazing cheesecake.  I can. And this does not make me some blue dress wearing house wife. I like to cook. It’s fun.  And if you think otherwise, I’m not sharing. 

Step 4: Ok, I should clarify, shave AND wash. Believe it or not, women didn’t start shaving in order to please men, they started shaving to cut down on lice.  Yes, lice. (I’m a history teacher too, remember, I’m full of delicious little tidbits of information). And as a result of said change in hygienic habits, women discovered that shaving actually led to less sweating and smelling better overall. Not for men. For you. Do you really think that onion smell coming from your pits is pleasant?? Cuz I know if I can smell you, you most definitely can...

Step 5: Stop worrying about other people. I have met feminists that are so concerned about not looking like they need a man for one hot minute that they go out of their way to be different, stand out by dressing in the typical feminist fashion, make sure that every dinner conversation turns to the suppression of women over the centuries, and walk around trying to make sure people never see you smile. What the hell?? Wasn’t NOT worrying about others the point of this movement.  So what if someone wants to wear tight clothes, she had that right. So what if she wants to get a boob job, she had that right. Just do YOUR thing and I will do mine! Oh and I wear tight jeans. Very tight jeans. Because I like to look at my butt in them. I don’t care what the men think either. Except for Michael Shanks. I would care very much what he thought, but not in a man approving of a woman kind of way, but in a I want to use you as my personal sex slave and have you pour me wine but first I have to trap you kind of way...

Step 6: He has a penis, that does make him useful. Well, for that of course, good lord for that, but more so for heavy lifting. Look, biologically, men have more upper body strength. Don’t believe me, let’s consult science http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8477683. It says that biologically they are MADE to be stronger. Yes, you can lift weights and work-out, and I do, like a fiend, much to Hot Roommate’s annoyance at times, but if he is going to be stronger anyway, use him!! Yes, USE!! Men LIKE to be used. Let him open that jar for you, carry the bookcase up three flights of stairs, change that tire. Because there is no way you wanted to actually do that shit, is there? Admit it..... You would rather be blogging about how morally superior you are....

Step 7: Clean, shave, wash, wear deodorant...why am I having to be this specific??? I am all the way on step 7 and am still trying to figure out how not taking care of one’s self proves that women are better than men. What about you? I mean, I like smelling nice, it’s like aroma therapy right? Feel the mint...embrace the mint....

Step 8: Things that are not an attack on your independence. 

1. Door openings. It’s just polite. In fact, in the south we can spot a Yankee a MILE away because they are the ass that let the door slam in your face. 
2. Anything with the word “man” in it. We lived in a male dominated society for a long time and people just named things willy-nilly. They did NOT name them just to piss you off and we do not need to RENAME them to make you feel better, we are correcting the problem with NEW things now! Remember when you made fun of Republicans over “Freedom Fries”?? You are doing the SAME DAMN THING!!
3. Strip clubs. Because you seem to have a major problem with woman taking off their clothes for money (and I know strippers, some of them LIKE their job) but you have no problem dashing off to a live show of Magic Mike because they someone deserve to be objectified. Either there are NO strip clubs, or you deal with both, life does not go both ways. 
4. When your date pays for dinner. Especially when that date is male. Go back to A. It’s just nice and polite.  Sometimes I even try to buy dinner for others. If someone tries to buy you dinner, a drink (not sending you a drink in a strange bar, but while you are their together) or even a popcorn at the movie do not automatically assume they want to sleep with you. They might just be being nice.  Except for you Mr. Canadian Hot Pants. I AM trying so you just keep that in mind...

Step 9: How to avoid a relapse: A mini how to....

1. Get up and shower every morning. It makes you smell good, brightens your day and makes you a happier person. (Which might be the source of all of this nonsense in the first place)
2. Remember that nice does not mean condescending. Smile when people do pleasant things and by all means pay it forward. 
3. Be who you are, even if that chic carries a coach handbag, wears high heels and have facial tattoos.  
4. Stop reading blogs, forums, watching The View (they DO NOT represent REAL women) or doing another activity that makes you want to go and picket about something stupid when we have children starving. Wait, which bring me to step 9A. 

Step 9A: CHILDREN ARE NOT EVIL.  You, dumbass, were a child once, so stop looking at them like they should no longer exist. You don’t want to have kids, fine, but don’t look at me like there is something wrong with me because I did OR condemn the woman who choose to stay home with them. Remember the part about it being a woman’s CHOICE. My mom CHOSE to stay home with us. She is also a black belt and can whup your ass. Case closed. 

Step 10: Have a beer. Yes, a beer, all grainy and hoppy and manly and NOT organic sage infused red juice of the fuckin’ goddness. Drink a god damn cheap beer, because believe it or not, you’re no better than the rest of us...

As a REAL feminist, who believes a woman can do just as well as a man and look damn hot doing it, I approve this message. 

How to Say Goodbye to Summer

How to Say Goodbye to Summer

Subtitle: Let’s go out with a bang. No, literally. Because my sister is blowing shit up in the back yard.  With chemicals. 

Oh, and 106 days till the end of the world. 

Step 1: Make sure to clear your Labor Day because this is the ideal day to have a party. Why, you may ask? Well, first, everybody and their mama is taking their MoonPie looking ass (see Beach entry) to get in one last swim before they are forced to cover themselves in real clothing again. Ergo, they are ALL gone and you will be in an empty neighborhood with your friends for these shenanigans.  Secondly, school starts the next day, at least around here.  Your kids are gonna wine (I mean whine, Freudian slip there) about not wanting to get up the next day. This will wear them out and you can deposit their limp unconscious bodies into the bed.  Done and done. 

Step 2: Disregard the weather. Because you have until 7 a.m. to cancel your inflatable rental. At 6:58 the skies are clear and it’s hot. At 7:01, it is frakkin’ pouring.  Whatever.  It’s a water slide; you’re gonna get wet anyway. Carry on.  

Step 3: Rent a water slide. Yeah, you probably gathered that is where I was going with this. Rent a double lane racing slip and slide

and then when it arrives, have the gentleman inform you that he has no idea how in the WORLD you are going to fill the 300, yes HUNDRED, gallon splash pool with your shallow (aka NORMAL) well.  Assure him that you have decided that you will not shower for a few weeks and pray for rain.  NO dumbass, send that back, and get a different slide. Get THIS slide.

 Much better. Yes Jack, yes hun, I have taken care of it. I am trying to clean here. No, they are setting it up right now.  Stop calling.  

Step 3A: WTF it is STILL RAINING. 

Step 4: Oh, did I forget the cotton candy machine? Well, the delivery dude did, so I’m kinda glad that he went back to get super awesome more expensive and I didn’t have to pay extra water slide. Yeah, rent one of these because it eliminates the need for desserts and if the men will start cotton candying their arms. Which hurts. And yet they still do it.  Again and again.  Sober no less. Don’t ask what they try to cotton candy drunk....

Step 4A: I am not even kidding, it is STILL raining.  For real.  We’e screwed.  

Step 5: Walk to the farmer’s stand. Well, that was the original intention because I wanted FRESH ORGANIC LOCAL tomatoes.  (Yes, I am one of those people. No, I am not Adrienne Rowan, just wish to hell I was ;P ) However, once I informed my dear buddies from college of this little venture they kindly volunteered to drive me (since I’d lost my keys, go ahead Hot Roommate, laugh it up). And it went down like this:

D: Where is this stand? 

Me: Down by the pond.

D: Yonder pond?

Me: Yes, yonder pond, just not that far away I promise.  

J: Turn here?

Me: Yeah and a left up here.  

D: We have left your road to turn onto another.  

Me: Yeah, it’s right here. I could have walked. 

Silence for two minutes

D: Brianne, you DO realize that we are STILL driving.  

J: I was about to say that....

Me: It is only like a mile or so, I could have walked it.  

D: I wouldn’t have walked 500 feet. This is too far. 

J: Agreed

Regardless, I made it to the honor system farm stand, bought my tomatoes and jalapeños (which were promptly stolen) and came home.  And got rave reviews on the tomatoes thank you very much.  Farm stand win.  

Step 5A: IT STOPPED RAINING. PARTY ON WAYNE!!

Step 6: Let your sister blow shit up. She’s 17, she won’t kill anyone and after all your mother is endorsing this.  Have Hot Roommate sugar up children properly and send them, cotton candy in hand, to stand on the back stoop to watch this event. Ignore entire event as you are helping Hot Roommate straighten up. Hear loud insane “We’re gonna get arrested” type bangs (remember that video, I was having flashbacks) and worry that your neighbor is going to come traipsing through the woods to ask you if it was a good idea. It wasn’t. Sister returned looking at her arm.  Minor chemical burns, she says.  Because things like this are just normal in the Adams’ household.  

Step 7: Discuss insurance. Yeah, we’re old, and instead of taking Jello shots we’re sitting around, sipping beers, and discussing deductibles. Mine is pretty sucky apparently. Oh well, least I don’t get sick very much.  

Step 8: Eat two hamburgers, with jalapeños and salsa (jarred jalapeños because your friend has STOLEN the fresh ones). Add a hot dog. And some deviled eggs. And chips. And four Mexican beers. And a shot of Absolut Pepper. Multiply by HOT PINK COTTON CANDY X 10ⁿ. Keri, I think I’m gonna puke.  Keri: I can see it now, and the bathroom will smell of pink cotton candy and shame. SHAME....

Step 9: Don’t forget the photographic evidence. Take pictures of each and every adult friend who comes down that slide, with or without their children, in their regular CLOTHES no less. Oh, and take video of yourself going down the slide to post on YouTube, because that is really getting to be like your blog, just video silliness. (Why in the hell not, it’s fun to laugh at crazy folks, I accept what I am). Because you’re gonna want to remember when your husband and friend’s hubby pours the beer ice onto the slide. And you were stuck. In ice water. With kids piled onto you. Or not.... Wait, you put that on Facebook??? Oh dear Athena...

Step 10: Spanish wine, right? Hell no, don’t you people realize that I was IN a wedding, as the MATRON of honor no less, had a new niece born, am STILL not over hugging Shanks, and my kids start school for the first time EVER tomorrow. No, you’ll get Mexican beer and like it.  Because it’s good. Very good.  Got excited that Mr. Canadian Hot Pants tweeted that he tried a Dos Equis. Good boy.  Now, just bring your fine little self down here and this Spanish teacher will be happy to teach you all about the wonder that is Mexican beer. I’ll keep a few cold for ya. 

How to Behave at the Beach

How to Behave at the Beach

Subtitle: Have some decorum here people!! Half nekked or not, we are in public.  This is civil society, isn’t it?

Blogger's Note: To answer your question, I am not over this weekend. Not by a LONG shot.  But, I need to pretend I am so carry on...

Step 1: Select the proper attire.  Now, I thought I had already covered this in my “How to Vacation in Style” entry (click here if you need a reminder) but apparently my advice was not heeded. With that in mind, let’s recap, shall we? I wear a bikini.  I wear a bikini because I work out 1-2 hours a day. Yes HOURS. And I still don’t look like Beyonce, but what I am not is hanging all out of my bathing suit like marshmallows out of a Moon Pie (dammit, I bet you actually HEARD my twang while reading that, didn’t you?). Most of my fellow bikini wearers are. Leaking that is. It’s not pretty. We don’t want to see that, ok?

Step 2: Wear sunscreen. Besides the fact that forgoing the sunscreen can give you the cancer (note the usage of the definite article, this be serious business), burns hurt like a bitch and your wife does not want to listen to your ass whine for the rest of the trip.  And not to mention, aloe vera is a gross green sticky mess that I don’t want in my bed and I am fairly certain that I am not gonna like the smell either. So, do us all a favor. Leave the lobster for dinner. 

Step 3: Bring TWO towels per person, because without fail, some snot nosed kid is going to blast by your little set up and kick sand all over your towel, cooler, and cover-up, while their parent sits and does nothing because his acting like an asshat out in public is perfectly acceptable here since it is out of doors. It’s not. But I digress.  If you have an extra towel stored away for safe keeping, when said evert occurs, and trust me, it will, you are prepared to dry your body without given yourself the beach equivalent of a sugar scrub all over your sensitive parts.  

Step 4: Children. I would like to preface this step by saying I am a proud mommy of two, however, I am not a loon.  First, my kids are not the little asshats in step 3 because with one cut of my eye or one cleverly worded Spanish phrase MY little asshats are trembling at my feet (I have the POWER... sorry, He-Man moment). Secondly, I am also not hovering, no literally, like standing behind, bending over peering down and walking bent around the edge of the water doing this strange duck waddle thing and as you shoot a glare over at me because I am not doing the same. Suck it.  You go ahead and hover over you little baby and we’ll see whose kid is living in the basement when they are 35. Won’t be mine...

Step 5: Leave yo bling at home.  Yes, on TV we get to watch all of the beach hottie shows and reality programming where they’re just a tweetin and textin to beat the band, covered in their huge gold chains and diamond rings.  Go ahead, try to impersonate the Jersey Shore, because that wave is gonna knock you down once and adios valuables.  Don’t believe me? There are actually people who make a living over metal detecting on beaches to find that stupid shit you lose.  See?? And this was JUST one website of hundreds: http://gometaldetecting.com/tips-beach.htm But fine, if you like to replace $5000 rings after every trip, knock yourself out.  Oh, and I want a 1965-72 Volkswagen Beetle for my birthday. Thanks. Hell, you can afford it. 

Step 6: Know your physical limits.  Most likely, you are not a surfer since only a very small percentage of the population really is. So, do not go to the beach and buy yourself the newest board, a can of sex wax (yep, it’s called that, and I am just immature enough to laugh at it) and a wet suit and head out into the waves. You will fall flat on your face.  The life guard, who is NOT Pam Anderson, will have to come and save you.  They will call 911 and you will play $2375903 for the trip to the hospital. And once, again, I will laugh at you.  I really can be kinda a jerk, can’t I?

Step 7: Be realistic. Ok, so we’ve talked about the clothes, surf boards, Snooki and her pals, but you are you and this is a beach. Nothing drives me crazier than going to the beach with a person who acts one way and then turns into Baywatch the minute their toes touch the sand.  Dude, you live in the city, practically a parking lot. You know nothing about the beach and stop naming tides and shit like you do. Go back and sit on your towel. But we can dream right? Pretend we are someone else? (Silently, to ourselves..) There I am. On the beach. In my purple bikini.  And here comes Mr. Canadian Hot Pants...dear Athena I can STILL feel his arms around me.. (dream censored at this point....turn away, give me a sec, be right with you...) 

Step 8: Don’t try non beach activities. On of the things I find the strangest about going to the beach is the sheer number of people who act like their lounge chair on the sand is their personal living room and in some cases, bathroom.  Do not paint your toe nails. There is sand here, and it will get into your paint, and I am sitting and listening to you curse and swear like you expected it not to do that.  Or shave your legs. I don’t want to see that anymore than I wanted to see your marshmallow waves cascading from your waterproof Spandex.  I’m still not over that yet as you can tell. 

Step 9: Find seafood. I mean you’re at the beach right, you gotta have seafood. However, I must caution you to throughly research your place of choice BEFORE you go.  First, there are seafood places on the beach that are getting their food shipped in from other beaches.  That means that fish has been going, all, well fishy to get to you because someone if too lazy to go stick a pole in the water. But you also want to make sure to go to a place where when they plop a lobster on your plate you don’t want it looking at you. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love meat, way too much to give up but I like to pretend it didn’t use to be alive.  To me, it’s just easier to pretend everything is just tofu. Leave me alone. Stop telling me otherwise. Fingers in ears *lalalalala*

Step 10: And, without fail, don’t forget your wine. Or beer. Or pre-made Margarita in a plastic bottles. What? No booze allowed on the beach? Uh...hello...soda bottles. Throw some rum in the coke and bring it with you. Because no one is going to read this list. No one ever takes my advice the first time.  You’re gonna need to deal with the pain.  

How to Drink Properly

How to Properly Drink 

Subtitle: You are grown; the time for Natty Ice and Boone’s Farm is OVER.  Us cultured people make fun of those people.  We don’t want to be made fun of, do we? 

Step 1: As my subtitle indicates,  it is important that you have a clear understanding of what is proper alcohol.  In order to do this, you must first experience the worst of the worst.  How do you determine the worst? If you are young enough to get away with it, slip into a frat party.  Whatever beer they are passing out to the freshman will be the worst beer. Do not confuse this with what the seniors are drinking, sometimes they had already had an older friend fix them. As far as wine goes, pretty much anything sold at a gas station is considered the worst in this department.  And for liquor, anything in a bottle made of plastic.  Unless that plastic if a reused gallon milk jug of moonshine, in which case you are now buying the best liquor even though it comes in plastic.  More on moonshine later.  Buy one of each of all three. 

Step 2: Set up a tasting with your friends.  If you are still at the point in your life where you think a tasting is snotty (I hope this entry will change that) you can instead enjoy a drinking game.  The internet offers a wide variety of complicated drinking games, the best of which in my opinion circle around the theme of a TV show or movie.  If you like something contemporary there is an excellent game for Game of Thrones going around.  If not, here is a basic Stargate game I have created that should be useful (and this show is on Netflix, so you can do this any time of the day):

Activity on Show	Number of Shots/Sips/Chugs
Teal’c says “Indeed”	One shot
Jack says something sarcastic	One shot
Samantha saves the day because she is the smartest person on the show by millions of IQ points	Two shots
Daniel argues something that Jack calls sissy	One shot
You completely lose track of what the hell is going on because Michael Shanks is so damn beautiful that nothing else really matters	Three shots - hell, at this point just start chugging.  And keep watching.  He only got hotter as the show went on...

Step 3: Wake up the next morning. Make some Blackberry Tea (trust me - my sister in law taught me this trick - GOLDEN).  Swear that you will never do this again.  Don’t worry, you won’t.  I am here to fix that. You now have your basis for comparison. 

Step 4: Back to the store.  Here is what you need to purchase.  This is going to be a costly trip, so bring a friend, or friends or make sure you at least have a credit card with reward points.  

1. WIne: Buy a few reds from Europe and a some whites from Virginia, Australia, Oregon or Washington.  Do NOT buy anything that says sweet.  That is not wine.  That is a wine cooler for people who think they can get away with still drinking wine coolers because it comes in a different bottle. As for the types of wine you should buy, I will explain the basic types in Step 5. 
2. Beer: Read the label. It needs to come in bottles and it needs to have been made within a 50 miles radius of your home OR comes from a known microbrew.  If it comes in a can or cardboard box, do not buy it.  
3. Liquor: Ever heard the phrase top shelf? Guess where the good liquor is? 

Step 5: Know your wines. Here are the major categories of wine and their basic descriptions:

Reds:

1. Merlot - Really really dry red wine.  Makes your mouth dry wine.  Usually tastes like licked a piece of plywood. Very herby. Makes you look sophisticated to drink.  
2. Syrah/Shiraz - A hearty dry red wine.  Good for spice lovers.  Lots of tannins which is like LSD for the tongue.  Makes you look like you know about wines when you drink this one. 
3. Cabernet sauvignon - Smooth, easy red wine. Good for first timer.  Great wine for steaks. Can be kinda peppery.  Makes you look like a non-snotty red wine drinker because everyone has heard of it.  
4. Malbec - yummy South American snottiness
5. Pinot Noir - dark delish French (the best anyway) goodness that is good with chocolate
6. Zinfandel - not a wine - skip this
7. Sagiovese - fantastic Italian - work up to this
8. Barbera - see wine #7

Whites: 

1. Chardonnay - Dry white wine. Popular with women. Will make you either look like a sophisticated woman or just a woman when drunk by a man. 
2. Sauvignon blanc - Dry white, but not as dry as Chardonnay. Herby taste but the awesome winemakers of South America like to mix goodies into this, like mango.  Makes you look like a smart white wine drinker. 
3. Pinot Grigio - little sweeter than the SB or C but still actually tastes like alcohol.  That is what we are going for here friends.  If you cannot taste the alcohol this defeats the purpose of drinking like a grown-up. 
4. Moscato - gas station wine
5. Riesling - fun German bubbly wine that is a tiny bit sweet but still dry and actually tastes like alcohol

As a side note, wine should be made out of fruit.  Nothing else. And if the fruit is not a grape, make sure that the wine tastes like alcohol.  Not Kool-Aid. Period.  

Step 6: Know your beers. Here are the major categories of beer: 

Ales and Lagers.  That’s pretty much it.  There are some sub categories, but like the wine, we need to start small. The difference boils down to this, Ale are heavier and heartier (think European beer) and Lagers are lighter and clearer (think American beer). One is really not better than the other, it just depends on what you are eating and what you are in the mood for.  And it should taste like beer. Not piss.  If you are choking it down, that is not beer.  Beer should taste hoppy and yummy.  AND it should probably cost about $8-$10 for a six pack of bottles. Seriously.  Wine does not always follow this rule, i.e. Two Buck Chuck at Trader Joe’s, but beer does.  If your beer purchase costs more than the groceries of the family of four ahead of you and you only have like two six packs, you have done well my friend.  

Side note: I have been informed by a good friend as I write this blog that apparently it is hipster ironic to “Drink PBR while driving a car worth over $20,000.” Well, not while driving, I don’t condone that, but being in possession of said car.  You know what I mean. 

Step 7: Know your liquors. Here are the major categories of liquor:

1. Vodka - Russian burny alcohol. Lot o’ burny. Good with OJ.
2. Gin - Old lady burny. Good with juice according to Snoop Dogg. 
3. Rum - Middle aged burny. Good with coke, even diet if you are trying to lie to yourself about the calorie content of your indulgence.
4. Tequila - Mexican burny.  Actually has legit taste with burny. Good stuff includes worms.  My favorite kind of burny.  Would make my life to shoot this with Michael Shanks.  (Well this or moonshine. Hey handsome, you ever had moonshine?)
5. Whiskey - Redneck burny. Strongest taste of all.  My brother’s kind of burny.  Add nothing to this drink kind of drink. 

There are many others, but this is a good start.  After all, I am only trying to teach you to drink, not to tend bar.  That might have to be another entry...

Step 8: Moonshine. Yes, shine gets is own step.  Thanks to reality television, most of you know what moonshine is and how it is made.  If you don’t, I suggest checking out this link: http://dsc.discovery.com/tv/moonshiners/ . (I really should get paid for this!!) Moonshine can come in many flavors, but my top three are a) Apple Pie, b) Sweet Tea and c) Peach.  Butterscotch is ok and I have had plain, watermelon and strawberry, but nothing beats those three.  I love moonshine so much that it is hard to be sarcastic in this posting.  I love moonshine more than Spanish wine, I just have to function the next morning so Spanish wine usually wins.  

Step 9: The tasting. Now, here is where I snob you up. Put away the beer pong cups, the printout of step 2 from above, anything you used before.  And, while you are at it, get your friends to bring over some food, good food, like expensive cheeses and crackers and sushi. Lay everything out on a spread for all to see and start drinking.  And TALK about what you drink.  This is NOT stupid. What is stupid is going into a business dinner at 35 years old and have no idea what to order. What is stupid is hosting a party where you buy a ton of beer, etc. and no one drinks it because it is so bad.  Like anything else in life you have to learn how to do this.  Do not get drunk! Are you listening to me or have you already starting drinking!?!? Dammit, why don’t you people ever listen to me once we pull out the booze!?!?! Quick - someone still reading start the coffee!!! 

Step 10: Oh, you’re still here? Can you still read? Try this: saodfgjnagnagn . Just kidding; that was a test.  Oh, I’m still here.  I will have my wine AFTER I finish writing the blog like I expected you to start drinking AFTER you read it.  Yes, there is a step ten and that step is, only drink with friends.  Not just the DD or take the keys issue but friends will clean up your puke and put you to bed.  Friends will not let you drunk call your ex.  Friends will make you stop internet stalking and tweeting your celeb crush. Friends make sure that you do not act like too much of an ass. 

And then record it.  

To put on YouTube. 

I hate you people...