How to Go To College

How to Go to College

Subtitle: I am not sure how we graduated. Seriously, did we even go to class??

58 days. I got nothing. No seriously, I haven't even bought those special bullets. 

Step 1:  Find one other insane person with whom to share this experience. Personally, I found that orientation worked pretty well for me, since I quite literally found one of the most insane people in my life right off the bat. There was something about her, locura radiating from her person, and I bounced up happily and introduced myself (i’m kinda loud, I do things like that).  However, if going to cheesy mandatory orientations is not your thing, you can go to class, but we are putting that off as long as possible. You are going to need this person because when you find out that your assigned roommate is a Vala -like Space Herpes ridden whore, you’re gonna have to move in with them. Oh, and make sure they will clean up your puke. In an Easter bucket. Trust me, that’s helpful. 

Step 2: Cultivate a larger group of nutjobs. You need your person, yes, but we know there is safety and power in numbers, so you need to create your group, yourself. Greek life is useless. I mean really, you invited me to this stupid party, acted like fake asses, selling yourself to me, pulling me aside and saying shit about my friends and then expect me to PAY to hang out with you. I’m poor and I’m a bitch. I think I will stay with these people. You can find these people in one of three ways: 

1. Kidnap them from the sidewalk because they are cute. (Hey - I got me a husband that way!) 
2. Join the Theatre Guild. Trust me, ALL the crazies go here. 
3. Roommates of the crazies. Birds of a feather shit and all. 

Step 3: Learn how to drink.  Seriously, this is probably the best advice that I can every give you and really should have been step one before you met your crazy because by this point you and your crazy now roommate think that Mad Dog 20/20 is proper alcohol, which it is NOT.  Here, just read this and come back to me as soon as you have printed your notes: How to Drink

Step 4: Use Greek life to your advantage. Ok, so remember those yuppies bitches that made you come to their stupid make-up party? Wanted you to pay like $500 a year to hang out with them? Guess what they and their male counter-parts DO with that money. THEY BUY BOOZE AND HAVE PARTIES! AND they LET you go do even though you laughed at them for not paying to be their friends and you get to drink for FREE!!! 100% Free!!! It’s genius!!! For real, is someone telling these freshman who are having to streak through campus or drink stupid shit like they’re auditioning for Fear Factor? Wait, on second thought don’t. More free booze for nerds. 

Step 5: Don’t hate the playa, hate the game. Now, here’s how dis gonna go down....and step five is da place ta put it.  Haters gonna start seeing that you got the whole college package, the parties, the trips, the everything and you didn’t do anything other than find a bunch of like minded nerds and pile into Hot Roommate’s dorm. Let ‘em hate! They’re just mad that we are all here on scholarship, don’t have to pay for our friends and are on the dean’s list. Every. Damn.Semester. Let ‘em hate. You’re gonna be laughing at them in ten years. 

Step 6: Oh yeah, maybe you should go to class. Dean’s list is all good and true but they are starting to catch on to the fact that you are never there but have an A average and now if you miss class they are going to fail you, A’s or not.  So, here’s the plan: Take classes with your nerd friends and alternate whose turn it is to go. Monday friend 1, Wednesday friend 2, Friday friend 3, etc. It works really well, I mean, hey, you got the notes from today? What do you mean it was my turn to go? It’s YOUR turn to go? No, Jessi goes on Wednesdays. What do you mean she switched? Since when???

Step 7: Prepare for the unexpected. Because one day you will be in your dorm eating a bowl of rice from your friend’s illegal rice cooker. And you will get a call that one of your acquaintances that your friends feel the need to babysit has just left the dorm to meet up with a strange Canadian Man she met on the internet (This HAS nothing to do with Michael Shanks people, I swear, THIS is how my life plays out for REAL) who happens to be named after a famous 1950’s rock star at a local seedy hotel known for Suspicious River like activities (Ha! Got HIM in this one, I am a GODDESS). But, after you throw your pajama clad ass into your car, well your friend’s car because you refuse to let the Porn Star (yes, I had an AeroStar Van in college. We peeled off the AERO and replaced it with PORN) be involved in such insanity, you drive to the hotel to discover that they are not there, it was a ruse, so you describe her to the police, explain it is a strange internet man and then drive around campus shouting her name around like a crazy person to find she has taken him back to her room to bed him.  Gross. I am going to eat my rice. 

Step 8: Indoctrinate new members. Now, you are going to face some competition from the Greek life as you try to recruit freshman, so you are going to need some good selling points. Try this list: 

1. We are free
2. We will not make you circle your fat while you stand naked and be judged
3. We have older members and access to booze
4. We are like the smartest kids on campus and run the tutoring center, so we have your grades covered.
5. For some sick reason the profs LOVE us
6. We won’t make you wear stupid shirts with letters from a semi-dead language on them.
7. We are free

That should do what you need to get those new members. 

Step 9: Keep in touch with these nut jobs AFTER you graduate. Yeah, we graduated, didn’t you read the subtitle? Even though they are states away and may go through some SHIT and you don’t talk for a few years and then find everyone again on FaceBook, Twitter and just because you picked up the phone. THESE are your real friends, your family, the people you were meant to find that you were brought together with under insane circumstances. Don’t forget them. Ever. 

Step 10: Go to the reunion. Sit around your porch, watching your kids play, laughing about how dumb Hot Roommate was when you flirted with him, recount runs to Philly to buy cheesesteaks and stealing street cones. Because you made it this far and the best is yet to come. Spanish wine anyone? 

I love you guys so much and I always will

How to be a Feminist

How to be a Feminist

Subtitle: There’s this clever little invention. It’s called deodorant. And, if you will recall, I have coupons. 

(On the other hand with 73 days left, you might just want to wash a little better. Save your money for that Ramen we've discussed)

Step 1: Know what you stand for.  Why are you a feminist? Do you believe that woman deserve equal rights, treatment and pay in a modern society? Hun, that doesn’t make you a feminist, that makes you human. It’s the people that believe otherwise that are not.  

Step 2: Wash. Ok, I’m not trying to be a jerk here, I’m not (and we ALL know when I just come out with straight up bitch - this is not one of those times) but I’m seriously trying to figure out what part of standing up for women’s rights means you can’t take care of basic personal hygiene. I’m not intending to be offensive; I really want to know why you are explaining to me about woman being used as slave labor in Colombia due to our coffee consumption and it’s direct correlation with your smelling like a locker room. Feel free to comment below. 

Step 3: Uh, last I checked, cooking wasn’t a sin. Let’s lay this out for you. I am very pro-women’s rights. Hot Roommate stayed home with the kids while I pursued my career and got my Master’s. Hot Roommate will be keeping my kids while I get my PhD. However, this does not mean that I can’t cook a MEAN empanada or bake an amazing cheesecake.  I can. And this does not make me some blue dress wearing house wife. I like to cook. It’s fun.  And if you think otherwise, I’m not sharing. 

Step 4: Ok, I should clarify, shave AND wash. Believe it or not, women didn’t start shaving in order to please men, they started shaving to cut down on lice.  Yes, lice. (I’m a history teacher too, remember, I’m full of delicious little tidbits of information). And as a result of said change in hygienic habits, women discovered that shaving actually led to less sweating and smelling better overall. Not for men. For you. Do you really think that onion smell coming from your pits is pleasant?? Cuz I know if I can smell you, you most definitely can...

Step 5: Stop worrying about other people. I have met feminists that are so concerned about not looking like they need a man for one hot minute that they go out of their way to be different, stand out by dressing in the typical feminist fashion, make sure that every dinner conversation turns to the suppression of women over the centuries, and walk around trying to make sure people never see you smile. What the hell?? Wasn’t NOT worrying about others the point of this movement.  So what if someone wants to wear tight clothes, she had that right. So what if she wants to get a boob job, she had that right. Just do YOUR thing and I will do mine! Oh and I wear tight jeans. Very tight jeans. Because I like to look at my butt in them. I don’t care what the men think either. Except for Michael Shanks. I would care very much what he thought, but not in a man approving of a woman kind of way, but in a I want to use you as my personal sex slave and have you pour me wine but first I have to trap you kind of way...

Step 6: He has a penis, that does make him useful. Well, for that of course, good lord for that, but more so for heavy lifting. Look, biologically, men have more upper body strength. Don’t believe me, let’s consult science http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8477683. It says that biologically they are MADE to be stronger. Yes, you can lift weights and work-out, and I do, like a fiend, much to Hot Roommate’s annoyance at times, but if he is going to be stronger anyway, use him!! Yes, USE!! Men LIKE to be used. Let him open that jar for you, carry the bookcase up three flights of stairs, change that tire. Because there is no way you wanted to actually do that shit, is there? Admit it..... You would rather be blogging about how morally superior you are....

Step 7: Clean, shave, wash, wear deodorant...why am I having to be this specific??? I am all the way on step 7 and am still trying to figure out how not taking care of one’s self proves that women are better than men. What about you? I mean, I like smelling nice, it’s like aroma therapy right? Feel the mint...embrace the mint....

Step 8: Things that are not an attack on your independence. 

1. Door openings. It’s just polite. In fact, in the south we can spot a Yankee a MILE away because they are the ass that let the door slam in your face. 
2. Anything with the word “man” in it. We lived in a male dominated society for a long time and people just named things willy-nilly. They did NOT name them just to piss you off and we do not need to RENAME them to make you feel better, we are correcting the problem with NEW things now! Remember when you made fun of Republicans over “Freedom Fries”?? You are doing the SAME DAMN THING!!
3. Strip clubs. Because you seem to have a major problem with woman taking off their clothes for money (and I know strippers, some of them LIKE their job) but you have no problem dashing off to a live show of Magic Mike because they someone deserve to be objectified. Either there are NO strip clubs, or you deal with both, life does not go both ways. 
4. When your date pays for dinner. Especially when that date is male. Go back to A. It’s just nice and polite.  Sometimes I even try to buy dinner for others. If someone tries to buy you dinner, a drink (not sending you a drink in a strange bar, but while you are their together) or even a popcorn at the movie do not automatically assume they want to sleep with you. They might just be being nice.  Except for you Mr. Canadian Hot Pants. I AM trying so you just keep that in mind...

Step 9: How to avoid a relapse: A mini how to....

1. Get up and shower every morning. It makes you smell good, brightens your day and makes you a happier person. (Which might be the source of all of this nonsense in the first place)
2. Remember that nice does not mean condescending. Smile when people do pleasant things and by all means pay it forward. 
3. Be who you are, even if that chic carries a coach handbag, wears high heels and have facial tattoos.  
4. Stop reading blogs, forums, watching The View (they DO NOT represent REAL women) or doing another activity that makes you want to go and picket about something stupid when we have children starving. Wait, which bring me to step 9A. 

Step 9A: CHILDREN ARE NOT EVIL.  You, dumbass, were a child once, so stop looking at them like they should no longer exist. You don’t want to have kids, fine, but don’t look at me like there is something wrong with me because I did OR condemn the woman who choose to stay home with them. Remember the part about it being a woman’s CHOICE. My mom CHOSE to stay home with us. She is also a black belt and can whup your ass. Case closed. 

Step 10: Have a beer. Yes, a beer, all grainy and hoppy and manly and NOT organic sage infused red juice of the fuckin’ goddness. Drink a god damn cheap beer, because believe it or not, you’re no better than the rest of us...

As a REAL feminist, who believes a woman can do just as well as a man and look damn hot doing it, I approve this message. 

How to Treat your Man/Woman

How to Care for your Man/Woman

Subtitle: Stop watching Romantic Comedies.  Here is the hard core truth.  Trust me, I’ve been married for a while. 

Step 1: Find a man or a woman.  In order to have someone to treat well, or to be treated well by, you have to find someone.  Because you absolutely cannot live without a significant other. At all. In fact, it is quite literally impossible for you to survive on your own so you need to do whatever it takes, scour bars, do 1-900 party lines, beg friends to set you up with someone, anyone, go to cheesy singles events, well, you get the idea. Point is... YOU NEED TO FIND A MAN (or woman...) 

Step 2: LIE to your man (or woman). They don’t want you for who you are.  Chances are, they want you because you are good looking enough to sleep with or you have money. For the initial hello, not much else really matters.  So as you chat, just keep lying.  Hell, tell them you were asked to attend the FBI academy but turned it down.  Tell them that you are a black belt in some crazy martial art that they have never heard of so they will not check in to to see if it is real.  Tell them that you can do the splits.  ;) Just lie your ass off.  Oh and remember to stick to your lie.  Once you have told your lie you will need to keep track of your lies.  Keep a note on Siri, she’s helpful like that.  

Step 3: Oh, and while you’re at it, keep talking. Talk and talk and talk and talk. Relate everything to yourself because, I mean, that’s why they are here, right, to talk about you. Talk about every pet you have ever owned, each and every bizarre medical condition you have and about the strange relationship that you have with your mother.   And don’t forget that everything they have ever done or accomplished, you have done it too and done it better. And probably more often. Which brings us to step 4. 

Step 4: Pick your poison.  In a real relationship there is no such thing as working together. Equality is a myth of the modern media. Do you ever see woman on TV with wrinkles? How about men? Yeah, thought so.  Back to relationships,  one of you need to be the dominant partner and the other is the submissive.  That’s just the way it is.  And it is not always the man as the dominant and the woman as the submissive, in fact some guys get off on the reverse. With whips. And chains.  No one will think less of you whichever you pick, but just pick one so you can move onto into your plan for a perfect relationship.  

Step 5: I pick dominant!  B$&ch get ready to roll.  You need to make sure that your man (woman) is there to cater to your each and every need whether that be rub your feet, clean your toilet, pay your bills or bail you out of jail.  Remind them each and every moment that they would be nothing without you and that they need you in every way imaginable.  If they don’t believe you, add that you chose them because no one else wanted them, so even if they leave, they can’t get anyone else, much less that non-existent better.  

Step 6: I choose submissive.... I mean...if that’s ok... Alright my dear, you will need to change everything about yourself for your man/your woman. Change your life completely to match what your man or woman wants. Stop seeing your friends, stop seeing your family, stop your hobbies, etc.  You need to do exactly what they say, when they say it, and be who they want regardless of what you did in steps 2 or 3.  Because, you want to keep them, right? If you don’t they are never going to want you and no one else ever will for that matter so just stop your damn crying and get up and make dinner right now. And bring me a beer!  And if your best friend calls this house one more time you’re out!!!

Step 7: Special occasions.  Now, remember, you really don’t love someone unless you spend insane amounts of money on them that you don’t have just to keep their affections.  And a trip to Chicago to meet the man of your dreams (do I really need to write his name anymore people...but that gets me hits....hmmmm... I love Michael Shanks - look I got him in this one too, even though he is not mine.... yet...) doesn’t cut it.  We need diamonds.  Rubies. Emeralds.  F-250’s. Seasons tickets to the Lakers. (Or the Canucks xoxox Shanks again). Trips to Paris. Can’t afford it?  I would like to introduce you to my friend Visa.  She is there when you need her the most.  (Or is that Mastercard???)

Step 8: Now post every intimate detail of your entire relationship on Facebook.  Be sure to pick the status that best represents what you are right now, whether it be complicated, in an open relationship, in a hidden relationship because he is still trying to figure out how to tell his wife that he has another woman or at least that is what he is telling you when he comes over at 2 a.m.  And make EVERY single status about your man, what he bought you, what he made you for dinner, how much you love him/her, what color shirt he is wearing, how he still hasn’t called today, how you want other people to butt out of your personal life that you broadcast all over the internet.  Remember, Facebook was created to share just this kind of information, so please, be detailed. 

Step 9:  Don’t believe the hatas. People gonna be jealous and b*%ches gonna hate.  They gonna call you and tell you that they saw your man at Wal-mart walking around the electronics department with some ho and then send you a picture of them that was clearly photoshopped with their Boost Mobile Blackberry or that sow that called claiming that she your man’s baby mama and he’d better start coughing up some paper or else she’s gonna call the 5-0.  Thems hatas. They gonna make you wanna take your earrings off.  Ignore them.  Get pregnant immediately.  

Step 10.  Spend every waking moment with your man..... Gotcha.  I hope you figured out around step 3 that I started in with the Spanish wine at step 1. It was that kinda day.  Go ahead, get yourself a glass and start back at the beginning.  It’s funnier the second time around.  And if you were looking for serious advice, again, reread. And do the COMPLETE opposite of every step.  

How to Write a Blog

How to Write a Blog

Subtitle: An explanation because people are apparently surprised at how insane I really am.  I’ve been this way a long time people; I was just hiding it from you.  

Step 1: Have insane friends.  And I have INSANE friends.  Friends that one night during your weekly TV show party (don’t make fun of me my younger readers, this is what we old folk do for fun) tell you that you are funny and should start blogging.  Then, they continue to support the habit by posting it on their Facebook walls, telling their friends and then requesting you talk about certain topics, which if your friends are indeed insane are topics that normal blogs will never discuss. In fact, this very entry is a request.  So, see, I do listen to you people.  On occasion....

Step 2: Pick a format, usually one based on your personality.  I always joke that I am everyone’s guidance counselor because people have been coming to me for years for me to solve their problems even though I have NO idea what to tell them.  Apparently whatever I do do or whatever faces I make are effective and people keep coming back. That is why I picked the “How to” format, so people who are not currently seeking my sage advice can benefit from it worldwide.  Oh, and it was not taken yet. That was important too.  

Step 3: Get inspired.  There are many avenues for inspiration when it comes to sarcastic blogging, but here are just a few of my favorites.  

1. My insane friends: As I mentioned 99% of my entries now are by request from my friends.  This goes double for the offensive ones.  They are 198% responsible for those.  They are also just general crazy folks that say crazy things.  I mean, only my friends would shout out obscene things during serious television shows  like, “OMG Tonks is naked, I can never watch Harry Potter again!!”. Well they didn’t use the word naked, but you get the idea.
2. Shopping at Walmart:  In fact, Walmart is such a good source of material that I have pondered creating a blog JUST to log what I see at Walmart.  The other day for example I heard a husband and wife arguing something along the lines of creamer being milk, like not whether or not it is a damn dairy product, but whether or not it was milk like you could give a child.  Really? You’re that damn stupid? This is why there should be a license to breed. 
3. Students.  If I have not already expressed, they are hysterical. And not just what they say in class, but how oblivious they are to reality itself.  One of my students paged (instant messaged) me the other day saying she missed our speaking appointment because her school was having a Slave Wedding.  I am not joking.  In the South no less.  Not only was she completely accepting of this as a school activity, but I called her mentor.  She wasn’t lying.  See, instant material. 
4. Craigslist Rants and Raves. If you have not discovered this, amuse yourself one lonely night.  It will drive you to tears.  It’s like my blog, just highly offensive with bad language.  And apparently, people spend their free time doing this, a LOT of free time since they answer people right back when they are attacked.  I find that as funny as the postings.  
5. Watching the news for 5 minutes.  Especially politics.  Politicians are seriously the most uninformed, out of touch morons on this planet who just happened to be born rich with big mouths. Remember “You can see Russia from my house” nonsense (yes people I know she didn’t say that, I actually am an informed American voter ok)? The reason people bought that was because they are quite literally saying stupid stuff like that EVERY DAY on C-SPAN.  OR RIchmond City Council.  Google that live feed my friends, RIchmond, VA.  That is geek entertainment for HOURS.  
6. My husband.  While a part of me feels like he should be in ‘a’ he really takes it to a whole new level.  Here’s just a sample conversation: 

Jack: Honey, Facebook is really messed up now. I had to confirm Will’s birth on your timeline.  

Me: Actually Jack, I think they do that so women can’t just be tagging men as baby daddies.  

Jack: Please tell me your joking.  

Me: I was, but now that it is out, no, I think that might be why.  

Jack: God help us.  

This is a DAILY occurrence in my household.  See why I stay married to this guy? Our banter cracks me up.  

Step 4: Have some running jokes.  In case you haven’t caught on I have a two continuous ones: 

1. Spanish Wine - Yes, yes, it is partially because I am a Spanish teacher and partly because until I went to Spain in college I was pretty much only drinking what the frat boys gave me, which is never a good plan.  Never! Oh, and since I forgot to mention it in the drinking blog and I have your attention, don’t ever drink anything at a party that is housed in a trashcan or bathtub.  I shall share stories later.  

1. My undying love of Michael Shanks - It's not funny because he is funny (well he is in a clever smart mouth way online, not like as in bad actor, he is GREAT), it is funny because EVERYONE picks on me about it. This joke amuses me no end as it started as a threat between me and my husband (that said actor is my dream man and if Jack doesn't shape up I am running away to Canada) and has skyrocketed into the most fun I have had with someone, even though I have never met him.  But Speaking of, now that I have actually bought a ticket and am going to meet him, I really hope he is as nice as he is on Twitter...... getting nervous here people.....have any of you met him??? Help a girl out.....

Step 5: Have set days to publish. That way, people can begin to look forward to your craziness.  I chose Mondays and Thursdays.  Why? Well, Mondays just suck donkey balls and no one wants to be at work anyways.  Post your not-as-good entries here.  People are too hung over and pissed off so they will think anything is funny.  And, as we discussed on June 1st, Thursdays are the best day ever, filled with exercise, free booze and beautiful Canadian men (of which we only care about one).  

Step 6: Promote yourself.  Shamelessly. In fact, I am almost to the point where my introductions are “Hi, I’m Bri, nice to meet you. I blog, you should read, do you have a pen, I’ll write down the address for you?” I am kidding of course...well...sorta, but regardless slap your blog address on everything, your email signature, your twitter page, your Facebook page, tattooed on your arm, your license plate, inside a little Darwin fish sticker so Christians will get mad and confused and try to read it and see the site and likewise Evolutionists will be like who jacked our fish and note your site as well.  If you are a trust fund baby, get yourself a billboard and some hot models and post your url on the interstate.  Just get noticed.   

Step 7: Get opinions before you post.  I have a select set of friends and relatives that I vet things with before I post, in an effort to make sure I am not too offensive or over the top.  This is not to preserve anyone’s feelings, I am WAY over that I can assure you, but to make sure that I do not lose my job.  Because I like my job and I like getting a paycheck.  And having a home.  And buying food.  Things like that.  

Step 8: Keep posting. Good things happen.  It might be slow going at first, but all of a sudden you check your stats and BAMMO you got like 200 hits in a day.  Yay! People like you :-) :-) So, just keep writing and make sure that each post is more over the top than the last and write and write and write until your husband is convinced that you are having an online twitter affair with Canadian celebrities when you are really writing a blog posting about some moron that you saw playing on the train tracks in town and your twitter feed is not even opened.  True story.  I swear.  

Step 9: Tweet Michael Shanks.  Not only is this man legit the NICEST CELEB ON THE FRIKKIN PLANET on there, which he is, but he has fans all over the world and if he answers you back and his other fans like your question then they click on your name and find your blog. Remember that self-promoting? Yeah, it worked.  So, to my new reader(readers if you are sharing with your friends) THANKS!! Welcome to the insanity!! Good to have you!! 

Step 10: Don’t write drunk. Yes, here is our step for the wine, but I have tried to start the wine before step 10 as I wrote.  Let’s just say that step 7 vetoed it.  Apparently, I don’t care as much about important things like my job or public appearance after a few glasses and after a while longer I am just downright offensive and crazy.  Write your blog, let your #7 read it and once everything is A-OK, go get your Spanish wine.