How to be a Soccer Mom

How to be a Soccer Mom (or a Basketball Mom, Theatre Mom, Yoga Mom - WTF aren’t you guys in)

Subtitle: Modern parenting 101

SubSubTitle: The basketball game starts at WHAT time!?!? 

Step 1: Coffee. Let me preface this by saying that if you are a new reader to my blog, welcome, and once you have children you no longer own your life. People without kids will get all offended and wonder why you don’t talk to anyone anymore because they do not realize that you are driving to yoga, basketball, ecology club, girl scouts, school festivals at 7 in the DAMN MORNING....

AHHH!!!

Coffee. Sumantra. One Cream. Two Sugars. 

:P 

Let’s see who gets that. 

Step 2: Family calendar on the fridge. Yep, like the mini-van, this was something I swore that I was too cool to do (and yes I own a Dodge Grand Caravan and it’s NOT a van called the Porn Star), but here I am, all calendared. Use dry erase too, because you will have to change it about once week once husband has to work later, the basketball coach changes practice, your daughter has a fever on yoga night but wants to go to the make-up class. Just DO NOT let your eight year old have the marker, or at least my eight year old. He added colorful commentary. Here are some examples:

For 8/19/12 he wrote: Mom is gonna hug Mr. Canadian Hot Pants

For 8/20/12 he wrote: Mom is gonna leave Dad for Michael Shanks

For 9/28/12 he wrote: Mom is old. Laugh at her. 

For 12/24/12 he wrote: SANTA. Boo Yah

Ok, so maybe I put the marker down low because he amuses me. 

Step 3: The transportation. Which brings us to the van. Yes, you’re gonna have to get one or something damn close. You will fight. You will get an SUV that only fits one kid and barely the stroller. Then the sports equipment is next because you will have more bags of equipment than children and it does NOT fit in a cute little Prius. Nor do their friends because you will end up with those boogers too. Never fear. Just PIMP it out. I had a van in college I called the Porn Star which doesn’t exactly work when you are a parent BUT you can do some other fun things with it. Me? I got THESE: 

But of course, right? 

Step 4: Include your mother. Now, women in my family are kind of outspoken anyway, but I find that age just makes it worse. Way worse. My mom was cool as shit anyway, but now that she has NO filter. None. Take her to basketball games, practices and other venture that involve spectators. Here is a sample of her dialog, well, monologue rather. 

“Come on ref! Really? That is CLEARLY a GREEN ball!!” 

“He can’t make any kind of damn calls because he’s too fat to get in between the kids.” 

“Pass the ball! Coach tell them to pass the ball!!” 

“I need to coach this team.”

Have I mentioned how much I love this woman? 

Step 5: Know where the cops hide. Now, without fail you will have to go from the basketball game to theatre day and somehow pick up lunches and snacks in between and stop by the house and the two places are about 45 minutes away from each other.  I have come to the conclusion that cops in my area are not after REAL criminals but instead are after moms who are driving kids to activities. Why? We don’t carry guns. We don’t argue. We sit there, cry, take the ticket and then just pay it rather than go to court (which requires taking off work or a babysitter and makes us have to sit in a small room with scary people). So, know in advance where they hide so you slow down in time and floor it once you are past. 

Step 6: McDonald’s. Don’t judge me. They have milk and apples. Look, my life is so insane that I can’t do that cook all day Sunday mess to pre-pack food for the week. I sleep on Sunday, get up and write fan fiction or blog, or watch TV, or goof off with my friends and family. The Golden Arches is open at 5 a.m. and stays open till nearly midnight. Ergo, you can feed your spawn any time of the day. Just shake up your fast food choice. When you start going to the McDonald’s and they KNOW your six year old wants a mocha decaf McCafe, you might have a problem. 

Step 7: Remember that you're married. If you are lucky some of these activities are drop off, like theatre day, because they want you to be surprised when you come for the parent performance. Try to remember that you’re married because you are going to have to be with this person after the kid’s activities are gone. Go to lunch. Talk. Try to remember what life was like before the kids. Just remember to pick up the kids...

Step 8:  Learn the lingo.  Kids are much smarter than just falling for the “yeah” and “uh huh.” They see right through it.  So, I am, by no means, the expert on this but here are the things I have learned so far in their activities. Please feel free to add more in the comments section. 

Lay-up - Basketball shot from the side of the basket. Cool shot the kids want to make. 

Traveling - Moving the ball without dribbling. A no-no

Improv - Improvisational theatre, when the kids act on the spot in various scenarios. Hilarious. 

Downward Facing Dog - Yoga move and involves the kid being bent over in an A type position. Nothing to do with dogs, so your dearie isn’t gonna want a dog. 

Step 9:  Be prepared. This is more than just a nice Girl Scout motto. This kinda goes with owning the damn van because you need space for all this stuff. You will need a first aide kit with bandaids, Neosporin, Advil, Tylenol, gauze, alcohol swabs, q-tips, medical tape, cast materials, thermometers for every orifice of the body and in Fahrenheit, Celsius and kelvin. You will need general emergency supplies, tissues, toilet paper, plastic bags, extra coats, sweatshirts, sox, underwear, yoga mats, water bottles, a partridge and a pear tree. 

See why you need the damn van? 

Step 10:  Go to a home show.  See, it looks like a perfect soccer mom, family bonding experience and your mom will go and get excited over garden statues and whatnot, but guess what else is there. WINE. LOTS AND LOTS OF WINE. It’s not Spanish, but it’s Virginia wine and that is the BEST in the USA. It’s only $1 per tasting and you’ve got a wallet full of ones. 

Wait, that sounded bad. 

Or did it?

Daniel, hun, ya got a g-string? 

Yeah I went there. 

How to Master Indentured Servitude

How to Master Indentured Servitude

Subtitle: It’s not slavery because I pay them.  It’s called Advanced Allowance. Best.System.Ever. 

Step 1: A lesson in history. Let’s take a trip back in time, shall we? Back to 1607. Jamestown VA.  Now, while a great number of the original settlers in the good ole US of A were scumbuckets that England was trying to get rid of (cough John Smith cough...what don’t make that face at me, look it up!) there were a few strapping young lads that wanted to get over here like nobodies business.  So, these lads sold 4-7 years of their life to pay for their passage and escape mommy and daddy.  They were not slaves.  See?? http://www.pbs.org/opb/historydetectives/feature/indentured-servants-in-the-us/  So, my kids are not my slaves and as a teacher I used this little scheme to throw in some school.  Of course, right? 

Step 2:  The bait. Now, normally I would never advocate sitting your child in front of the idiot box for hours and hours on end, I mean I am addicted to a few shows but only a few (Like Saving Hope with Mr. Hot Michael Make Me Melt When You Speak Shanks) but you need the TV here for this to work.  And not the shows, I mean you can just skip them. What you need my friend are the commercials, because the commercials that are on kids shows are for three things and three things alone: 

1. stupid toys
2. sugar cereal
3. Chuck E Cheese

Now as we have discussed, Chuck E Cheese is not all bad, and if you forgot why please see my post on Birthday Parties.  What we need is for your little booger to fixate on choice A. 

Step 3: Research.  Now if you are going to do this you want it to cost you as little as possible. At this point your child has fixated on an item (oh, need to add in here, don’t let them buy those damn dumb pillow pets, I still cannot figure out for the life of me how those became popular - silly bands I get, I wear those, but pillow pets, no) and you need to see where you can get it cheapest.  And believe it or not, it may not be Walmart. It may be Amazon.com. Or Craigslist. Or a good friend who can hook you up because they have tired this before and are passing on the love.  Get it cheap, but know where it is most expensive. You’ll see why...

Step 4: Buy the item and make a fake tag.  Now it helps that my husband works in retail, but really, if your kids are young enough you don’t even need to worry with the tags.  Just make up a price and call them into the kitchen. However, you will need to choose your words carefully.  Here’s a script to help: 

You: INSERT CHILD’S NAME HERE IN A BABY SWEET VOICE you remember that WHATEVER you wanted? 

Child: Yeah, but you said it cost INSANE PRICE YOU MIGHT JUST HAVE TO MAKE UP.  

You: Yes, it does, but I thought about it and well (DRAMATIC PAUSE & THEN PULL OUT TOY & WAIT FOR SCREAMS TO DIE DOWN) I wanted to get it for you but.... (A SECOND DRAMATIC PAUSE) 

Child: But what? 

You: Well you can have it now, because I don’t want you to wait any longer, but you’re going to have to pay me back.  

Child: Sure, anything? What do you need me to do? 

Step 5: You should have had the list ready.  Ok, so my editing team of few close friends and Hot Roommate need to do a better job on this but you need to have a list ready when this question arises.  Depending on your kids age these things can vary from cleaning their room, to weeding, to washing dishes to detailing the car with a toothbrush. As soon as that question crosses their sweet little lips BAM have your answer ready.  

Step 6: The countdown.  There is always a chance that you have in your household a smarty pants.  The kid that knows that sacred Lego Batman Video game was $37.88 at Sam’s Club and wants to know exactly how much emptying the dishwasher will decrease this total. This is also something you might want to think about in advance since if you make emptying the dryer $1 then something gross like rinsing the dishes is gonna cause them to demand more.  And if you have learned nothing else from me, it is that kids are smart, really freakin’ smart and make us look stupid.  Don’t let your kid outsmart you. That's just embarrassing.

Step 7:  The pay off. Alright, so you got the little booger to work it off and now according to your (hopefully) careful calculations, they have completed their service. In order to cap this all off, you need to bring the newly debt-free child and all of your other children for the closing ceremonies.  Dramatically tear up the debt, which is best hung on the fridge if I forgot to mention, and announcing to the other children about how hard work earns you rewards, blah blah, you get the idea.  Hopefully, they’ll catch on.  But probably not, they are smart, remember? 

Step 8: (Oh crap, we’re finished and at step 7.... what else could I possibly talk about...gotta think here... I could talk about how I am DAYS away from meeting Mr. Canadian Hot Pants and am really scared that I am going to faint in his arms and that he will think I am silly, which I am, but in an adorably cute kinda way right, I mean I need to plan my outfit because my Mord Sith costume won’t be ready by then, so maybe that is why I am so nervous but... Wait? You don’t care do you? Well, I managed to kill a step, so there, and you kept reading. Joke’s on you!) 

Step 9:  Rinse, repeat. Return to step 1. 

Step 10:  And since somehow this turned into a mini history lesson, I would like to close today with a quote from one of our founding fathers. 

Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance. - Benjamin Franklin

This is why this man in on the hundred.  Ole’ Georgie called wine plain.  That is why he is on the one.  Trust me. I have a Master’s Degree ;) 

How to Raise Kids

How to Raise your Kids

Subtitle: Because, as a teacher, I’m kinda sick of doing it for you. And as a parent, I feel the need to share this with others. 

Step 1:  To have to not to have? Ok, let’s preface this entire entry with the most important question of all, Should I have children?  Now, before you answer this question, let me throw out a few things for you.  First, they will destroy your body/wife’s body, in ways that only plastic surgery can correct.  Second, you will not sleep for 18+ years. Third, these boogers cost roughly the amount of four Lambourgini’s just to get them to age 16. Fourth, you will forever be saying “I need to see if I can get a sitter.”  Does this all still sound appealing to you??? You sure?? Don’t do this because Grandma Doris wants to see more little ones before she dies, that’s a bad choice.  

Step 2: Make sure you are stable.  By stable, I don’t mean money wise, because as I have mentioned above, they cost more than you can imagine.  You will NEVER be ready for them financially, so just give up that piece of TV talk show advice.  By stable I mean sane.  Don’t wanna waste time here with an explanation.  Here’s a quiz: http://www.allthetests.com/quiz02/dasquiztd.php3?testid=1029124661  See what that says.  (By the way, if you were like, uh, is she serious, a stupid internet quiz and skipped over it, congrats, you are sane.  Proceed breeding.  If not, come back in a few years)

Step 3: Getting pregnant.  Now, I shouldn't need a step to explain how this happens, but if you really need to know I recommend this book, given to Hot Roommate and I by Awesome MIL to share with the kids: http://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-I-Come-From/dp/0818402539/ref=pd_sim_b_4 .  I would like to add that I, personally, at 31 years old am NOT mature enough to read this myself, much less to my kids, but if you are an adult looking for how this all works, it might be helpful.  It’s very detailed.....down to the tickle....

Step 4:  It starts with the bump.  No, literally, it does.  In fact, while you are pregnant every single freaking thing you eat, drink, or listen to can apparently effect your child.  And, to make matters worse your doctor will give you the book What to Expect When You Are Expecting and everyone will tell you it is the Bible of being pregnant but the truth of the matter is that it will SCARE THE HELL out of you!! Don’t read it!! Just don’t smoke, drink or eat junk food for 9 months.  You’ll live, trust me.  

Step 5:  Parenting a baby.  This is the really fun part because magically every person in a thousand mile radius all of a sudden is an expert on babies.  They want to tell you how to feed them and when, how and where they should sleep, whether or not you should hold them when they cry.  Lemme help you out here, with, of course, a chart.  

Baby Problem	Solution	Reason
Baby cries	Feed it - and it does not matter if you go boob or not.  The FDA would not approve formula if it killed your child, ok?	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Change it - Do you like wallowing in your own poop? I didn’t think so.	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Cuddle it - I mean, they are cute for a reason right.	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Let it sleep with you - They make these lovely little in your bed beds so you don’t squish the bugger, so look, no worries	You want to sleep.
Baby cries	Call your mother- she has got to have something up her sleeve - for God’s sake  you did survive to adulthood somehow!?!?!?	You want to sleep.

Step 6: Parenting the toddler.  Ok, once the little booger stands up, we can call it a toddler.  They are so cute and destructive at this age.  And bold. Very bold.  And smart. Very smart.  They are still little enough that these devious little bastards will use their cuteness as a weapon against you, especially in front of other people.  They will climb up on the ottoman, reach up to your sofa table and knock over an antique bust of Athena made of marble into the floor, look right at you like “So there b$*@ch, put fancy antiques in my reach again” and just when you go to yell, they look at your friends and start to cry like you are beating them daily.  Which you want to. But you can’t.  Instead, buy a chair.  A really really really uncomfortable chair.  Call it the “Naughty Place” like Super Nanny does because that’s just fun to say. Allow them to spend the next two years sitting right there.  

Step 7: Parenting the elementary age, otherwise know as the age of ENDLESS NEEDINESS.  You think baby age was bad..... try 7.  First, to them, you are a complete and total moron and everything you say must be questioned.  Then, when you are trying to enjoy your nightly glass of Spanish wine, they are all over you like a damn puppy, rubbing their face on your arm and you are like is this shit normal and your mom and those stupid what to expect books that I told you not to buy but you did anyway start talking about attachment parenting so you start to doubt yourself... STOP!!! JUST STOP!!! Get up and go get your kids one of two things: A Puppy or a Hobby.  When my daughter wants to do this, again not normal cuddly but this needy-freaky crap, I tell her to get her Guinea Pig. For my son, I pull out the Legos.  Problem solved.  You’re welcome.  

Step 8: Welcome to puberty.  Now as parents we worry to death about puberty, for a variety of reasons, mostly revolving around sex.  Ok, time to scare the crap out of you.  They ALREADY know what it is!! They do!!! Even if they don’t watch a lot of TV, they KNOW!! Back at Step 7!!! Yeah, that thew me for a loop too.  So, don’t worry about “the talk”, you get to have another talk instead.  That talk goes like this:  

Parent: If you kiss a boy/girl your lips will fall off of your face and you will have to paint on a smile like the Joker.  

Child: No mom/dad. I know that’s not true.  

Parent: And, if you go further, well, then you might die on the inside too.  

Child: Mom/Dad, I know what sex is. Can we not talk about this????

Parent (walking to closet): Fine, you know what it is?  I would like to show you and your boyfriend/girlfriend my gun collection.

Trust me, all parents think like this.  Including my celeb love (For new readers, that’d be Michael Shanks, I like to work him in, it’s fun).  In fact, he tweeted something similar and that was the VERY reason that my husband now follows him on Twitter.  Jack’s reasoning “You can like him. He’s a smart man. Wants to kill people that mess with his daughter too...”  all the while stroking his shotgun lovingly (What have I done to my yuppie yankee husband!?!)  

Step 9:  The teen years. Really these are the EASY years; I promise. Just take their spark plugs.  That’s it. And have their friend’s parents do the same.  They can talk smack all they want, stranded on their iPhones in a car they are too stupid to know how to fix.  

Step 10: This is why you need wine..... If you are not a drinker I believe as soon as you stop breastfeeding is a good time to start.  Shoot me an email. I can make recommendations.  They start with Spanish Wine.  

How to Survive a Playdate

How to Survive a Play Date

Subtitle - For some asinine reason you have to now be friends with the parents of the kids your kids know and they are 99% of the time ape-shit crazy.

Step 1: What in the hell is a Play Date you may ask? A play date is just what the title implies, it is a date to play.  Yes, and I want someone to research this and get back to me, but in the 21st century kids don’t just go over one another’s houses any more to play.  Their parents come along.  And you have to sit there. And entertain them too.  Wait, you might be asking, doesn’t that help you out? Aren’t they there to watch their own kid so your kid can play AND you don’t have to worry about yelling at another kid? No, they’re not. They STILL don’t. They would rather sit and gossip to you about every other mother in your kid’s class, every other woman in the neighborhood, or any other woman you might possibly have dirt on while their little brat rips around you house.  Note I say women. This is because men are smart enough not to agree to this. 

Step 2: Now that you know what a play date is, how do you arrange one? Let’s begin with how NOT book a play date.  Do NOT buy play date cards. What’s a play date card? Google it, because I don’t want to get sued by putting a link to one here.  I’ll wait; I’ve got a shirtless pic of Michael Shanks on my desktop to stare at while I wait.  Found them, didn’t you? Yeah, they are for real. No, this is not Victorian England; I think that anything on HBO is proof of that.  Insane, right? Don’t do that.  Instead, in an effort to try to normalize this ridiculous trend, try a good old fashioned hand-shake and “Are you and your kids free this Saturday?” Since you are asking like humans used to do before technology, you might actually get a normal person, since the neo-yuppie-parenting magazine- show-offs will not understand something that did not come from their iPhone. (Not that I don’t love iPhones - Siri and I are TIGHT, not like that, ugh, stop.) 

Step 3:  You’ve gotten someone to agree to come over.  Someone who knows how to speak to another human being. Excellent.  Now you must prepare.  

HIDE EVERYTHING OF VALUE!!!!!

Now, first, obviously, you have never had this little demon in your house.  Granted they could be the nicest child on the planet, but they could also could be the incarnate of Lucifer himself.  You don’t want anything broken and if you are like me you also need to move your expensive antique furniture to your bedroom because while you might have trained your kids to not act like animals chances are you are the only one.  However, the  irony in all of this is that you also need to hide these things from the parent guest because they will start right in “complimenting” your home.  By “complimenting” I mean scrutinizing the hell out of it.  In my case, I get the “Awww... your house is so pretty, how can you afford it on a teacher’s salary.” This is where my posting on “How to not punch a $%@*@ in the $&@*!” comes into play (see Monday May 7th 2012). The best way to avoid this is to hide everything.  Scan your house, look for anything that might be a conversation piece and HIDE IT.  That way, you don’t need to keep your bail list handy.  

Step 4: Plan some kind of activity.  Again, this kills two birds with one stone.  First, you are occupying junior to an extent and saving your home from imminent destruction.  Second, you are keeping mom near junior, where hopefully she will be less likely to gossip in front of little ears.  Just don’t plan a craft. A craft, especially involving glue, glitter or paint defeats the entire purpose of planning an activity.  I suggest something that is simple but takes a really long time.  Something like frisbee or kickball.  That keeps everyone outside and wipes the little boogers out.  

Step 5: Have a back up plan. It might rain, in which case you need a good indoor activity.  For such an activity, I recommend a puzzle or a board game.  Here is why: since there are often small pieces and complicated rules you will need to help your child play and therefore you can avoid the above mentioned mommy conversation.  A puzzle or a game also keeps them confined to one room and helps avoid the TV conversation.  Again, for your newbies, this is the part of the parent conversation where your visitor now lectures you on everything that they allow their child to watch, do not allow their child to watch and try to persuade you to agree with them.  Whatever their reasons, they all come from the Puritan influence on our society, which will be a later co-post I am working on with a friend.  

Step 6: Food. Every play date involves snack time. THIS is where you can play your hand, a hand that will either give a signal to the parent that you want them back or can send them running.  Why? Because the judgment by the other parent continues!! You think they are only looking at your house, your activity choice, your television restrictions, but now they get to criticize your food.  We eat pretty healthy around here and I have been told that parents ‘feel sorry’ for my kids because they eat fruit and carrots for snacks.  Yeah, true story.  Breathe in, breathe out.  So, look, just do this, buy a box of those Capri Suns and get some Chex Mix.  Honestly, I have had very few people complain about this one because Capri Suns don’t have dyes and are lower in calories and Chex Mix is low fat and tastes good and the store bought kind does not have peanuts, so no allergy warnings.  And, it’s cheap. We don’t really want to spend money on this, do we? That is of course if you want them to come back.  If you don’t, simply serve the opposite of what they have been preaching this entire play date. Or buy Hershey bars.  Most people still think that sugar makes kids hyper, even though it has been disproven OVER AND OVER (proof: http://www.livestrong.com/article/496233-does-sugar-really-make-you-hyper/) but most people do not read anything that has big words. If you serve the Hershey Bars then the parent will hate you forever and never bring their brat back.  You might not even needs steps 7-10!!! (Well you always needs step 10, but we have learned what that is, haven’t we?) 

P.S. - Hershey Bars will work even if your neo-yuppie-parent magazine guest knows sugar does not make kids hyper because it is chocolate and chocolate has caffeine.  Need I say more? 

Step 7: The conversation.  Even if you have taken all of my steps above to heart, you will still need to interact, to an extent, with the other parent.  Again, the direction that you take depends on whether or not at this point you want this person(s) back in your home.  If you do, have at it and talk it up. Enjoy yourself and keep thinking that I was making all of this up and play dates are not so bad.  However, chances are that you are dying inside.  In which case, here is my advice.  Play crazy.  I am not kidding here.  And not institutional crazy, some of these crazies will call Child Protective Services on you, but bored mommy crazy. Hobby/obsession/fan crazy.  Bet you know what mine is...The minutes the words “I am in love with Daniel Jackson would you like to read my Stargate insert character fan fiction,” cross my lips, the play date might as well be over.  Now, I think there is nothing wrong with writing cheesy Mary Sue insert character fan fiction, especially since mine was all written late a night when my kids were asleep, my hubby was working, Primetime TV was sucking and I was bored and awake, but most people think that not only being a fan of something NOT trending on Twitter AND actually writing or doing something creative about it is insane. Completely insane.  AND most other parents think that the only women that like Science Fiction are either a) really boys or b) desperate fan-girls with no lives , so when me, normal mom with life mentions that I like it, the annoying moms go running.  Works every time.

Step 8: Ending the play date.  So soon, you think? At only step 8? Yes, we are through with this. Before the play date itself starts, have your out preplanned.  Make yourself sound sooooo busy, that you are trying sooooo hard to squeeze this play date in because our kids as friends in soooo important.  Makes yuppie mom feel good about herself, and she needs that. Lets you set limits and you need those more.  Come up with something concrete that you would never be able to get out of.  I like to use family members, i.e. my mom has this huge farm and I promised to help her when the farrier came, etc.  Then, as soon as you get annoyed by your caller, you can look at the clock, act shocked about the time and leap up, trying to frantically prepare for your second appointment.  Most people will take the hint and start to get their brat ready.  If not, just go tell your kids they have to say goodbye to their friend and start cleaning up.  After the clean-up, their little urchin will start whining that there is nothing to do now that the toys are away, and that should clue them in.  

Step 9: Unless the play date went spectacularly well, OR you invited someone over you actually like that just happens to have kids, you will need to sit down and explain to your own kids that Child X cannot come over to play again because they are an impudent hellion and their parent is certifiable without using those words.  Rather than give you an example here, I will give you a script.  “Honey, I hope you had fun today.  I was talking to _________ ‘s mommy today and everyone is so busy that it might be a long time before we can get together to play again, but we will try.”  Come on! It’s not lying!!  It’s called “Withholding the truth.”  We do that all of the time about sex with the kids and it is suddenly wrong here? Damn Puritans. Just do it, ok? Haven’t you learned to trust me yet?!

Step 10: You survived.... until next time.  Who the hell knows when this trend will end? I mean, today you have to do it for your seven year old, but if stupid parenting trends take this into the tween years, well I don’t know about you, but that might call for drastic measures over here.  I will start planning them now and keep you posted.  But for now, let’s not think about that, let’s pull out that Spanish wine and send your angel off to play by themselves.  And pull up that fan fic... because Daniel Jackson doesn’t have any damn kids... (Michael Shanks on the other hand does, which is why we are using Daniel here.  I wonder if he goes through this shit too? Hmmmmm....) 

How to Land a Dream Job

How to Land a Dream Job

Subtitle: How to Stay in School Forever, Get Summers Off and Harass Children for the Rest of Your Life

Step 1: Start Early. The key to having a successful career in teaching is to plan ahead. Way ahead.  At age three begin lecturing to your stuffed animals. At age seven start a ghost club in which you declare yourself president and spend the first fifteen minutes of each meeting educating the group on local ghost phenomenon.  At age twelve make sure to answer those stupid interest inventories that you take in middle school in such a way that the outcome is always: teacher. 

Step 1A: While you are at it, do well in school.  Seriously, this is not a speech for a PSA, but you need to think of it like this:  In life, we have crap we don’t want to do.  We have crap we DO want to do.  For example, I like to run and write. I don’t like to grade papers (By the way, if a teacher ever says they do they either have issues or are totally lying) Sooo.... I grade papers first, get it over with so I can spend the rest of my day running or writing (or dreaming about Daniel Jackson/Michael Shanks.  I am seriously challenging myself to mention him at least once a post now for my own personal amusement). The life path can look something like this:

Do well in elementary school → Cool trophies and your mommy and daddy love you → Wanting to do well in middle school so they will let you go to a dance with a boy → Realizing that when boys like you they buy you things so decide to play this out → Getting your first bad grade and crap no more boys unless grades come up so back to good grades → Hating school → Wait, if I do really good they let you skip grades and get out of here → And colleges like me better and give me money → Wait, I can skip grades here too and save money and be in hot roomate’s grade and take classes with him... Well, we all know where that led right? If not, see Entry #1.  

Step 2: (Yes, it took that long to get to step 2) Start working with children at a young age.  It is vital to becoming a teacher that you master two very important things very early: A) The Look and B) The Guilt.  By getting a job as a babysitter, camp counselor or life guard, you will find that the look and the guilt will magically become a part of your overall composition as a person.  This is also quite effective when you become a parent. Before we go any further, let’s take a moment to explore these two critical skills.  

1. The Look - The look is just what is sounds like, a look.  However, it is a cold, emotionless look that would make Darth Vader pee his little breathing suit or would make the Eye of Sauron look away.  It does not include a wicked smile or a horrifying frown, it is quite simply a look with no expression.  You may cut your eyes with this look, but not heavily. The key is to look at the person, or large group of children, with a look so utterly empty they are confused in terror.  Try it on your cat.  If you can get your cat to get off its fat butt and leave your bed with just the look, you’ve got it.  
2. )The Guilt - The guilt is a bit harder to master as it takes a combination of the look, a superior vocabulary and a good temperament.  The guilt is used when you look at a room full of screaming children, give them the look, maybe with a touch of sorrow and say something like “I had really hoped you guys would enjoy this activity...” IF you have established yourself as the authority figure and as an overall nice person this will CRUSH them.  And then they drop to silence.  Or they may cry.  Crying is good.  

Step 3: Do NOT major in Education.  Now, this little tidbit is serious.  Yes, majoring in Education seems like what you should do, but trust me, NCLB (No Child Left Behind) is not going anywhere folks.  And there is a nice little clause in that that discusses “Highly Qualified” teachers.  That is Education speak for “if you were too lazy to major in Math we are not going to let you teach it moron.” Which is good, because I am fairly certain that some of my teachers in high school knew more about football then whatever they were “teaching” us (by teaching I mean slapped up an overhead while they watched the game in the teacher’s lounge). 

Step 4: Come up with a good reason you want to be a teacher.  I’m not talking about the reasons I have listed above (although trust me, harassing children is SOOOOO much fun); you need something really good for the interview because a lot of people are intrigued by the summers off thing so there will be some stiff competition.  Here are some suggestions of things you may say to an interviewer and will still be telling the truth: 

1. I really feel a desire to help mold the children since they are essentially our future (What you really mean is : I am so tired of dealing with idiots that if I make sure one of these fools can at least signal before changing lanes the world might be a better place)
2. I feel a connection with children and I feel I can use that connection to share my knowledge. (Translation: No one will play X-box with me anymore so I need to make some new friends) 
3. I feel that school is a sanctuary (which I spelled wrong like 5 times - you would think being an Amanda Tapping fan I could spell that word...) for many students and I want to be that person to guide them. (Or really: I was the youngest in my family and I was tormented.  Time for some pay it forward...) 

Step 5: Harry Wong.  And if a certain friend of mine is reading this, I will take a moment for you to stop laughing and compose yourself.  (Jeopardy music....) Finished? Really? Still laughing? Come on.... Thank you.  As I was saying, here is the part of my blog where I shamelessly plug a book that I will get nothing for plugging, but here it is: The First Days of School. In fact, here is the link to it from Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/The-First-Days-School-Effective/dp/0962936022 . DO EVERYTHING THIS BOOK SAYS.  Now, after your first year you will NEVER have to do it all again, but you will figure out really quick what works, what doesn’t and it will help you master THE LOOK and THE GUILT while you try.  

Step 6: Know when the last day of school is. Remember those chains of construction paper rings your mom made when you were a kid to count down to Christmas.  Make one.  It will be about 180 rings long.  Rip off a ring everyday.  Color code by month if you need to.  Make sure to even rip off that last ring the very last day before summer break.  

Step 7: Go get a margarita.  If you make if through your first year teaching without killing a child, getting gray hair or an ulcer, you deserve more than the Spanish wine you should have been using every Friday to just recover from the week. You deserve a margarita.  Top shelf :-) 

How to raise Bilingual Child

Entry #2

How to raise bilingual children

Subtitle: How to curse your kids out in Walmart in a way that no one will call Child Protective Services

Today’s entry idea came to me from a former student of mine who asked this question legitimately and I gave her pretty much the answer I am giving here.  I am by no means an expert of languages, but I am a parent and a teacher and my kids do speak two languages so I guess I kinda know what I am talking about.  So, here you go...

Step 1: Select your language.  As you consider this let me make some suggestions.  Don’t pick a language because you think your kid speaking it will sound cool or make you feel cool. Take Klingon for example.  I am a nerd, but some of these nerd blogs I read where parents are teaching their kid Klingon or Elven (is that the word?) I am thinking, really, what part of you actually thought that was a good idea?!? Food for thought, China practically owns the world, so that is a good one to consider.  Spanish, my language of choice, is also one of the most spoken languages in the world, but there are other options that are equally as good.  Take sign language.  Sign language interpreters make like $60+ an hour. Be greedy, make sure you pick something useful.  These small humans will be selecting your nursing home.  

Step 2: Once you have chosen said language then you need to research.  Make sure you can either speak it to your child or can find a good program to do so.  Please.  For me and every other bilingual person on this planet.  And for the love of Pete PLEASE watch an episode of “King of the Hill” where Peggy is “teaching Spanish” before you open your big mouth.  A little part of me dies inside every time I hear someone speak like that.  

Step 3: Learn some clever commands first.  The easiest way to teach your child your new tongue is to scream at them in it. It also aids in Step 2, your accent.  The more I yell “No toques” and “Vengan ahora” the more authentic I sound.  It also will make the other speakers of this chosen language sympathize with you while you screaming at your children.  

Step 3A: Just make sure that these commands don’t involve swear words.  I made this mistake and I believe my son knew every swear word from the Iberian Peninsula before he knew any in English.  And while this may seem cute at the time just wait.  Your child will whip out that baddie and before you know it people not of your nationality will be giving you that look.  You know that look.  The ‘why did they allow you to breed look.’

Step 4: Have a clue.  This is a learning process, not an instant I’m a cool parent fix.  Just in case you weren’t aware, here is a list of things that will make you look like a douche bag if you choose to do them during this process.  

1. Labeling everything in your house in language two while your kid is still a baby.  Dude, he/she can’t read.  So, when I come over, I am assuming those things are for you.  And that you are making this crap up.  Because you probably are.  
2. Telling people “My child is bilingual” when he/she is also a baby or a very small toddler.  When your kids is still babbling incoherently, I find it hard to believe that they are truly bilingual or lingual at all for that matter. 
3. When caught yelling at children in language and someone asks about it, just say “Oh yeah, they speak X, gets their attention you know.”  When you answer with ANYTHING else, well, you sound like a douche bag.  
4. And never, ever, ever refer to your child as “my bilingual son/daughter” ever.  In an email, a blog, a posting, whatever.  If you do not see how snobby and idiotic this makes you look you are probably reading the wrong blog.  

Step 5: Enjoy it.  Like everything else in your child’s life, it should be fun. If you are spending every waking moment trying to make this happen it is not going to.  Or you are not going to like the result.  Some days my kids will NOT speak Spanish. That’s ok.  Other days they refuse to listen to a thing in English.  That is ok too.  Chill out.  And if you can’t, remember that Spanish wine I mentioned in entry #1.  Might be time to stock up if you haven’t done so already.