How to Relax

How to Relax

Subtitle: Just stop right there. I do know how to relax. 

Really.

I do. 

Stop laughing. 

Who told you to buy all that Spanish wine? 

Thought so....

Step 1: Survive. Whether it be Monday (ugh like today) or the week, the month, the year, or your in-laws visiting (which we all know is some period of time between a year and an eternity in the hottest depths of hell)... (just kidding Mary xo) all you gotta do it survive. 

Step 2:  Or avoid getting arrested. I mean, sometimes, people deserve a slap down but you just can't, even though you want to, even though they really deserve it because for some unexplainable reason they have lost ALL touch with reality as a whole and not even a deity or a hot Canadian actor that looks like one could convince them of said reality you can't hit them, kick them or shoot them with a poo gun. 

Especially the poo gun thing, because only the military has those. 

Google: Gun that makes you poo

See? My friend says 'Enlisted' is pretty accurate and that man has a POO gun!

I'll wait. 

But in the off chance that you HAVE to punch someone's lights out or slash their tires, have bail money. 

Step 3:  Strip. 

Woah boys, calm down, this isn't a show. 

Get into PJs, yoga pants, fluffy socks, anything that you could NEVER set foot in a professional setting wearing. 

Me? I prefer yoga pants and a Daniel Jackson t-shirt. 

I wear him for the SAYING!! Perverts! 

That way Daniel is close to my....

Nevermind, I said there was no show here. 

Step 4: Heat. 

It is essential and can come in many forms. 

Stop thinking like that. 

Oh you weren't? That was just me? 

My bad...

Back to the heat. 

Ok, you can take a hot shower, get in the hot tub, the sauna, the electric blanket, the heating pad, the sunshine, the possibilities are endless but just get HOT. It will relax your everything and make you jello. 

No we are not drinking just yet. Unless you just wanna stay here, which is acceptable, and therefore you can skip to step 10. 

Step 5: Pour a starter drink! Ha, we didn't even get to step 10, but we need to enjoy our starter beverage before we move to step 6. 

In case you never learned this in college, I am about to impart on you one of the best pieces of advice I was EVER given:

Beer before liquor, much much sicker. 

Liquor before beer, in the clear. 

In which case I am NOT breaking the set-up of my comedic blog entries in that we are not drinking wine (which works like the beer in the rhyme above, but doesn't rhyme so we assume), we are drinking liquor. 

I recommend tequila. 

Step 6: Make food. Now, yes, I am healthy now, and fit and blah blah blah but if the day has been shitty do NOT each frakkin' tofu. 

No, I'm not advocating breaking out the brownies, I mean you can, but eat something that makes you happy because otherwise all of this great relaxation progress is going to come to a halt because you are pissed off that you have to eat some nonsense that you don't like anyway but some idiot celebrity on twitter brags about eating because she knows SOOOO much about health...

But I digress. 

Get something you want to eat. 

Right now, I am gonna get some apple and peanut butter, because I LIKE peanut butter. 

Step 7:  Get LOST. 

WAIT! COME BACK! 

I didn't mean literally!

Find a fantasy world and get lost in it. Whether it be a book, a TV show, a movie, something you are creating, anything get totally and a hundred percent lost in it. 

SCREW what anyone else thinks because if they are judging YOUR relaxation they are just jealous that they a) can't or b) are too stupid to figure out what to get lost in. 

Let yourself melt away..............

Sorry, got lost in some Daniel & Addy fan fic. 

Addy's Daniel...*sigh*

You judging? 

Two words: Reality TV

Uh huh, can we continue? 

Step 8: Put your kids to bed. Whether they be furry or smooth kids, by this point you may be a half a bottle of tequila in, slow down momma, a pan of brownies and might be Macarena-ing on the Wii. 

Forget school, your kids don't wanna see that. 

Trust me, no one can make the Macarena look good. 

Step 9:  Cards Against Humanity. 

Again, if you don't know what this is, go search it, or better yet, go check out Wil Wheaton's twitter feed. 

Jaw up. 

Oh, I thought you already knew I was going to hell. 

I've designed my throne :P

Step 10: .... a poem

Stop that fussin' and that whine

Cuz tomorrow you gotta rise and shine

But for now enjoy the fruit of the vine

And open up some Spanish wine

Not from a gas station :P 

Enjoy ya'll! 

I'm gonna relax 

How to Understand Your Distance Runner Friends

How to Understand Your Distance Runner Friends 

Subtitle: We seem to make sense on those light workout days and then we disappear for hours only to return and wander incoherently. 

THIS is why...

This blog is an extension of a Facebook status that a few people suggested I should write. 

Enjoy. 

SETTING THE SCENE: 

It's been only 8.5 miles, a very light long run day, but I'm in 10K & Tri mode, so there's no need for double digits today. I stagger into the house, in some strange mixture of sheer elation and exhaustion. My husband tries to talk to me, how was the run, here is a play by play of everything that happened while I was gone as if I have been gone for over a week, and now he is asking me what I wanna do this afternoon and...

STOP!!!

Let me explain. 

This, my love, is what a distance runner goes through, things that when I ran in high school and college I never quite experienced because I never got this far. 

Cycle of long run day: 

Step 1: Relief that long run is over.

That cute little lady or beep goes off and you scream 'YES!' because you survived another long one! WOO HOO!! It's OVER! WE may now proceed with our regularly scheduled day. 

But wait. 


Step 2: "Damn, I could do more. Let's go do more..."

And now you're standing in your kitchen, a glance at your feet, starting to criticize yourself rather than praise. You fat cow you can run a bit further, burn more calories, shave more seconds off your mile, I'm not tired, I feel good, I can go more, of this, maybe a half marathon, let's run a hundred miles...

And then...


Step 3: You realize that you're training for a specific race and therefore need to stop at the mileage you stopped at because it's part of a training plan to meet a goal not for temporary gratification. 

That's why training plans exist, to follow them, even when you don't want to. 

FOLLOW THE PLAN. 

BE RATIONAL. 

You DON'T want to get hurt. 

Remember that last time? 

Ouch...


Step 4: Get pissed about step 3.

REALLY pissed. 

It might be a good idea to leave the room and change clothes. 

And IF you're still in the room: STEP AWAY FROM THE RUNNER! 


Step 5: The body has finally figured out it is not going to get to go out again and responds by sweating like a pig. 

You've made it to your room and are peeling away the clothes that are now a part of your body when it hits you. The wet, the smell, the disgusting...the suction. (Yeah, that's a thing...)

My godmother once taught me that girls don't sweat, they glow. 

Oh no, not me.

I sweat like a HORSE!

TMI??

My bad. 


Step 6: Begin to shiver and shake as you're freezing because a) you're finally sweating and b) you're not as big as you used to be anymore and you're in a constant state of 'I am freezing.' 

And I'm not talking about let's get a sweater freezing, I'm talking knees knocking, full on need to move to the tropics freezing and after being a distance runner now for over three years my husband still gets freaked out about. 


Step 7: I need a shower, to be less gross and more warm. 

Now, start the water, it's heating, not hot enough, I have a towel, waters almost ready when it hits me...

OH DEAR LORD...


Step 8: (Body speaking) "Screw a shower you vain beast, FEED ME." 

"But I smell..." 

"Wanna smell worse? I can make that happen." 

"How, you have nothing in there to MAKE that happen with?"

"Ever smelled a dead person?"

"No, but you haven't either."

"Touché, but do you think anyone else here wants to find out?"


Step 9: Internal debate of shower versus food as you chug water. (They are not too exhausted to form REAL words...)

Dizzy....

Smelly....

Rumbly....

Achy.....

Tired....

I.

AM.

SO.

TIRED.


Step 10: Give up on everything and pass out asleep.

Ok, so you might not sleep, after all, most of us that run have to just keep on trucking after training with kids, jobs, etc. 

My point here is this, yep, we sure are gluttons for punishment, and no, don't pity us, we will want to punch you, but long after the cute little running fad is over, those of us who do this every single week will still be at it, still stinking it up, still giving you the hate stare for asking if we want a Powerbar or some nonsense. 

Just hand us a jug of water and back away. 

FAST.

How to presents... What in the HELL is Change your Stars??

How to presents... What in the HELL is Change your Stars??

Subtitle: There are a few new riders to this crazy train, so I need to make sure we know what insanity we've signed up for. 

Step 1: It starts with a movie. Of course it does because I was a poor kid and GUESS what poor kids do?? We watch TV and act it out outside. That was my life growing up, watch movie, play it outside with my friends, repeat. We did the same with books and I read a lot, acting those out too. And, since the real world was a place I didn't want to be a part of anymore, I chose Sci-Fi and Fantasy because in those stories the kids that lived like I had to got to escape and they took me with them. 

So, now to the clip(s). 

William makes a decision - A Knight's Tale

William's father is the reason he believes - A Knight's Tale

William comes back to tell his father that he did it - A Knight's Tale

Step 2: Realize that for once, a movie is correct. 

I'd like to preface this with 'I am not supposed to be here'. See, if I could list the shit that I've gone through I'd sound utterly sad and pathetic. It was no one's fault per se, but the myth of how 'good' it is we have it here is just that, a myth. Generally speaking, the kids like me that I went to school with became just like their parents, little to no education, married the same abusive and alcoholic men that their mothers did, got jobs that they hate and that treat them like crap, etc.

But I refused. 

You can too. 

Step 3: An education. GET an education. It doesn't have to be a Master's or any other nonsense fed to you by those who 'have' and really don't know what you're going through. LEARN to do something, have a skill, and become good at it in a way that you will always be needed by others. Getting an education saved my life and is the reason I became a teacher and am getting a PhD in education. Having an education is the difference between success and failure in a way you will never truly understand until you have it and you are able to set yourself apart from the rest. 

Step 4: Be kind. That is the biggest difference I have found between those who have pulled themselves from the depths of dismay and those who still wallow in self pity is the way they treat other people. We are all different, each and every one of us and we are all struggling in one way or another. By being kind and reaching out to listen to another, you are helping to change their stars as well as proving to yourself that you are changing your own. 

Step 5: And then help them. I'm not saying take on their problems, but help them figure out their own destiny. It doesn't take money, in fact, your time is the most precious commodity that you have give. If you know how to do something, take the time to teach someone else. Provide advice if you've been there before. 

And know when to shut up and just hug someone because that is all you can do. 

Step 6: Understand this is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. This is NOT easy. You will cry. You will doubt yourself. People that you thought were your friends and family will say the most awful and horrible things out of a lack of understanding, thinking they mean well, or sometimes just jealously. The tears I have shed are impossible to ever count. But you have to do it! Get up, stop bitching and DO IT!

Step 7: And you will fail. 

A lot.

I went from that 'poor kid' with the overworked single mom and the dad that abandoned us to college scholar with a great job and an education to giving up again. 

This is where I will be a little more personal, because people need to know. The worst decision I ever made was to try to return to my roots, and by that I mean work in the school system that I went to. THAT was what set me back, the lack of support and complete and total destruction of everything I had ever worked for occurred there and I lost myself. 

I used to be athletic and fit but I became fat and sick (very very sick) and ate my troubles away. 

I used to be happy and outgoing and I became withdrawn and lost all of my confidence. 

I used to love learning and education, but I stopped learning, stopped trying to do better and just accepted status quo. 

I used to love me, and instead I wanted to end my life. 

Until that was no longer acceptable.

Step 8: Look inside yourself for help. 

This isn't about my weight loss, that is just the most visible of what I have come back from. Many of you know this story, but it all started with my eye. 

See, one day, doing something stupid, I almost lost the vision in my left eye. That was the last straw, I lost it completely, and decided that life was no longer living. While on bed rest I tried to figure out how to die, letting Netflix stream hour after hour. My daughter didn't see me as a woman, my son no longer thought I was someone he could talk to, my husband laughed at the idea of me just walking a 5K for charity. 

Then one day, while streaming Stargate, which was a TV show based on a movie that I loved and a character I had adored since I was 14, I heard this line, as Daniel Jackson was being beat to a pulp. 

"Do you ever give up?" 

Daniel: "Not unless I'm dead. Sometimes, not even then." 

I will never be able to explain to me why that did it, but it did. 

I would give up no longer. 

And so it began. 

Step 9: It's never too late. I tell you this story because I took the kid to young adult getting further than I ever should have gotten. THEN, when it all fell apart, I came back a second time. Yes, I am annoying and I tell everyone this. 

Why? 

Because IT IS NEVER TOO LATE FOR ANYTHING. 

It's never too late to live your dreams. 

It's never too late to make a difference. 

It's never too late to change something that is wrong. 

Like I said before, it is NOT going to be easy. It may take years. You may piss people off. You may feel alone, a lot. And remember the crying, yep, lots of that. But you CAN do it. 

I believe in you. 

Because I'm not supposed to be here. 

Step 10: And in the interest of the 'How-to' theme for step 10, here's my toast to you: 

May you never lose your way

But if you do may you never give up on finding it

Because a man or WOMAN can change their stars. 

And if you ever need me, all you have to do is ask.