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Monday, April 7, 2014

How to Relax

How to Relax
Subtitle: Just stop right there. I do know how to relax. 
I do. 
Stop laughing. 
Who told you to buy all that Spanish wine? 
Thought so....

Step 1: Survive. Whether it be Monday (ugh like today) or the week, the month, the year, or your in-laws visiting (which we all know is some period of time between a year and an eternity in the hottest depths of hell)... (just kidding Mary xo) all you gotta do it survive. 

Step 2:  Or avoid getting arrested. I mean, sometimes, people deserve a slap down but you just can't, even though you want to, even though they really deserve it because for some unexplainable reason they have lost ALL touch with reality as a whole and not even a deity or a hot Canadian actor that looks like one could convince them of said reality you can't hit them, kick them or shoot them with a poo gun. 

Especially the poo gun thing, because only the military has those. 

Google: Gun that makes you poo

See? My friend says 'Enlisted' is pretty accurate and that man has a POO gun!

I'll wait. 

But in the off chance that you HAVE to punch someone's lights out or slash their tires, have bail money. 

Step 3:  Strip. 

Woah boys, calm down, this isn't a show. 

Get into PJs, yoga pants, fluffy socks, anything that you could NEVER set foot in a professional setting wearing. 

Me? I prefer yoga pants and a Daniel Jackson t-shirt. 
I wear him for the SAYING!! Perverts! 

That way Daniel is close to my....

Nevermind, I said there was no show here. 

Step 4: Heat. 

It is essential and can come in many forms. 

Stop thinking like that. 

Oh you weren't? That was just me? 

My bad...

Back to the heat. 

Ok, you can take a hot shower, get in the hot tub, the sauna, the electric blanket, the heating pad, the sunshine, the possibilities are endless but just get HOT. It will relax your everything and make you jello. 

No we are not drinking just yet. Unless you just wanna stay here, which is acceptable, and therefore you can skip to step 10. 

Step 5: Pour a starter drink! Ha, we didn't even get to step 10, but we need to enjoy our starter beverage before we move to step 6. 

In case you never learned this in college, I am about to impart on you one of the best pieces of advice I was EVER given:

Beer before liquor, much much sicker. 
Liquor before beer, in the clear. 

In which case I am NOT breaking the set-up of my comedic blog entries in that we are not drinking wine (which works like the beer in the rhyme above, but doesn't rhyme so we assume), we are drinking liquor. 

I recommend tequila. 

Step 6: Make food. Now, yes, I am healthy now, and fit and blah blah blah but if the day has been shitty do NOT each frakkin' tofu. 

No, I'm not advocating breaking out the brownies, I mean you can, but eat something that makes you happy because otherwise all of this great relaxation progress is going to come to a halt because you are pissed off that you have to eat some nonsense that you don't like anyway but some idiot celebrity on twitter brags about eating because she knows SOOOO much about health...

But I digress. 

Get something you want to eat. 

Right now, I am gonna get some apple and peanut butter, because I LIKE peanut butter. 

Step 7:  Get LOST. 


I didn't mean literally!

Find a fantasy world and get lost in it. Whether it be a book, a TV show, a movie, something you are creating, anything get totally and a hundred percent lost in it. 

SCREW what anyone else thinks because if they are judging YOUR relaxation they are just jealous that they a) can't or b) are too stupid to figure out what to get lost in. 

Let yourself melt away..............

Sorry, got lost in some Daniel & Addy fan fic. 

Addy's Daniel...*sigh*

You judging? 

Two words: Reality TV

Uh huh, can we continue? 

Step 8: Put your kids to bed. Whether they be furry or smooth kids, by this point you may be a half a bottle of tequila in, slow down momma, a pan of brownies and might be Macarena-ing on the Wii. 

Forget school, your kids don't wanna see that. 

Trust me, no one can make the Macarena look good. 

Step 9:  Cards Against Humanity. 

Again, if you don't know what this is, go search it, or better yet, go check out Wil Wheaton's twitter feed. 

Jaw up. 

Oh, I thought you already knew I was going to hell. 

I've designed my throne :P

Step 10: .... a poem

Stop that fussin' and that whine
Cuz tomorrow you gotta rise and shine
But for now enjoy the fruit of the vine
And open up some Spanish wine

Not from a gas station :P 

Enjoy ya'll! 

I'm gonna relax 

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