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Monday, August 12, 2013

How To Panic

How to Panic
Subtitle: OMA I should have never asked Karen to do a countdown because I am gonna run a marathon in 95 days and I am really scared I am gonna die and that is why I am so sensitive lately. 

Step 1: Make a bad choice. This is honestly and truly easier said than done because we make stupid choices all of the time. We say the wrong things, tell the Mongolian man more spice, going 46 in a 45 in DC to pass the geezer bobbing and weaving, but I mean REALLY make a bad choice. Get all super inspired by a hot fictional archaeologist and start doing things off of your bucket list of life, among those things running in a marathon. Run a 5K, a 10K, a half marathon and then, like an idiot, sign up for a marathon. 

What have I done??

Step 2: Tell every frakkin' person you know. Because in your head you think that by telling everyone that you have made this bad choice that you won't back out. And I mean tell everyone. Put it on every last damn social media that you have, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, rent a biplane to pull a banner across the beach, tell every stranger that you have ever met, "Hi my name is Bri and I'm running a marathon in November..." 

Because then they start asking you about it, and talking about it, and well, we will see how this goes. 

Step 3: Prepare to carry out your bad choice. If you have decided in step one, oh, Bri's got a GREAT idea, let's sign up for a marathon, even though the word marathon itself came from the story of a young man (Pheidippides) running from the Battle of Marathon to Athens to warn the Greeks and he DIED when he got there....

...but anyway, if you are joining me in this insanity you need a guide. I recommend the internet, hell, aren't we using that now instead of a real doctor??

Step 4: Train. Ok, so maybe you aren't running a marathon but I am, this is my blogs so POOPS to you. Let me explain what I do Monday through Sunday, voluntarily and not being chased: 

Monday - Run 4 miles, work upper body.
Tuesday - Crosstrain (i.e. ride bike for an hour), work lower body.
Wednesday - Run 10K (6.25 miles), work upper body
Thursday - Run 4 miles, work lower body or practice yoga
Friday - Crosstrain (see above)
Saturday - Rest (I am a mom so that is a joke)
Sunday - Run 11 miles.

Dude, that's NOW. NOW. As of 9/1 that JUMPS UP LIKE CRAZY.....

What am I doing to myself??

Step 5: Start taking everything personally. Long story short: I don't fit in. Never have. I am Southern and live in the South, but I am not what a Southern woman is supposed to be. Let's add to the mix that my father, who of COURSE has been weighing in on this, left us, and has spent my entire life telling me how beautiful the strippers he takes calendar pictures of are and how heavy and mannish looking YOU (me) am, but anyway. I'm a sensitive person in the first place, but what's got me freaking out right now is that every time I am 'not good enough' for something, it translates to this. 

I'm not as pretty as my dad's latest -> I can't do this. 
You don't accept me --> I am not good enough to do this. 
I got bad news at work - > I don't deserve this. 
I've gained weight that I can't explain and am not pregnant ---> See idiot, you can't do this...

So, if I have an outburst on Twitter, Facebook or on here, this is what it is. Nothing personal, nothing funny, just it is what it is. 

I'm terrified. 

Step 6: Ask a friend to make a countdown. You need this EVERY single time you go to give up because it's like your friends way of saying DO THIS. 


OR else. 

Step 7: Start having strange dreams. Like really strange. Ok, I love Michael Shanks, I do, but my fantasies, and you people know what I mean by fantasy, if not you are too young to be reading this, but my fantasies are DANIEL JACKSON. NOT a happily married man. And in said fantasy, I am Dr. Adrienne Rowan (Jackson - depending on where in my storyline I want to imagine). But, in the stress of this all, I have starting dreaming. 

About MICHAEL frakkin SHANKS. 


What in the heck?! 

And then I wake up feeling guilty, which leads to not being good enough again because a nasty home wrecker doesn't deserve a marathon medal which takes us back to step 6....

PLEASE dream about Daniel tonight....

Step 8: Try to scratch off another bucket list item. Like find a PhD program and meet with the director and think oh I have a year to do this because you are supposed to take a good year or at least six months only to find out that they want you application THIS cycle, in less than six months and start your frantic request for recommendation letters, and register for GRE (I HAVE NOT DONE THIS IN YEARS), drive around for transcripts like a mad woman. 

Seriously, why are you people letting me do this?
Real friends stop friends from doing stupid things...
Just saying. 

Step 9: Run, sweat, refocus, and take a breath. 

I might be able to do this. 


It's 26.2 miles and I can run 11 without any pain. 

I have a half marathon on September 22nd and I'm not panicking about that...


Ok, Bri, you Changed Your Stars, you can do this...

Step 10: Blog about it. Trust me, it's cathartic. You sit down, looking at the three ringed circus that is your life, mock it, laugh about it, and reflect on it. And to be honest, maybe there is another nut who is going through the same thing and just wants to know that they are not alone. You're not. Trust me. 

We can just get committed together....


  1. Never fear--we'll be with you! <3

  2. Every step of the way, Sweet Cheeks. Every step of the way, I and your other crazy Tweeties, etc will be with you. You need 'hand holding' an 'ear for listening' we're here for you.

    GO BRI!! Change Your Stars!!

    Love you

  3. You know I'll be cheering you on my luv! Waiting at the finish line in Toronto screaming like an asshat...just cos that's the kinda awesome stuff i do ;)