How to Communicate

How to Communicate

Subtitle: People have forgotten HOW to do simpler things. Again. Like in 2013 I need to go back to the basics. We're gonna start here. 

Step 1: Thinking before acting. This was my Tae Kwon Do studio's motto.  Basically it means that you need to think things through before opening your mouth, typing that text/tweet/FaceBook status or doing something. Here is how it should work: 

IDEA  -------> Is this a good idea? Does it make sense? Could it be misunderstood? Could it hurt someone? 

If yes to the first two and no to the rest then by all means, proceed.

If no to the first two and yes to the next two then STOP YOUR STUPID ASS AND HAVE SOME WINE. (See Step 10) 

Step 2: Did I mention NOT to be an asshat? 

Step 3: Speak properly when you do. I don't mean having flawless grammar, we all make mistakes and you're an asshole like discussed in #1 if you jump RIGHT on someone's status, tweet, text, verbal instructions etc, to point out something silly and common. This, however, is different than speaking professionally. Remember me teaching online? Here is a conversation that I had the other day with another professional that is in charge of helping the students in the building with the computers and tech. 

Other teacher: So, the listening section is only working on one computer. 

Me: Ok (asks a few questions to trouble shoot - easily discovers problem). You will need to update Java on the other computers. 

Other teacher: WHAT!?!? I did that already, in like (yes she said LIKE!!) in August. 

Me: Yeah, but they offer updates throughout the year. I had to do my own yesterday. 

Other teacher: That is SOOO stupid. I'm just gonna play it really loud. 

See the above conversation. That's a no-no. Be professional. 

And never use THESE words: OLD INFORMATIVE BLOG

No wine here, we need you coherent. 

Step 4: Don't be an asshat. No one likes an asshat and if you're an asshat no one is listening to you and then no communication is occurring. 

Step 5: Research what you are talking about or at least have a clue. I'm not asking that you become an expert, but have some basis for your blather. Case in point: Politics. My favorite thing is to hear people blame their problems on legislation that often has little to do with their lives. Now, I'm not taking a side in this, in fact I personally think our entire Congress should be fired and someone should make a sistah the president. But don't go blaming EVERY problem in Healthcare on ObamaCare because Fox News tells you and remember that crazy people in countries without guns just use dirty bombs and we don't hear about it because THEY don't have a twenty-four hour news cycle. Use FACTS and not emotions if you choose to discuss these things. 

Getting riled up? Skip to step 10 :) OR just think about Daniel. 

But he kinda gets me riled up.

Ya might wanna scratch that...

Step 6: Hey asshat! Did you just say what? If so, don't open your mouth. 

Step 7: Speaking of Daniel (remember, step 5, before my asshat reminder) be diplomatic.  Like I kinda hinted in Step 1, don't just think before you open your trap but think while that trap is going. Be diplomatic. You don't have to agree with someone but you do have to respect them and their differences. Listen to their side, consider their feelings and thoughts and then offer your own. Take turns and ask questions. Yes, this was a serious step because negotiating is serious business. 

Imagine your negotiator. Naked. 

See, Daniel Jackson naked works EVERYTIME.

Dammit, I'm all riled up again. 

Better skip to 10. 

Step 8: Seriously, I have dedicated EVERY even numbered step to get you to clue in. If you're an asshat, have ever been told you are an asshat, wonder if you're an asshat, your best method of communication is to be quiet until you master the odd numbered steps. 

Great. 

Thanks. 

Step 9: Anything I can do you can't do better. Look, life is not a competition. Life is about fun and treating each other with respect. Stop making the entire basis of every conversation trying to one up me and everyone else. No one wants to talk to someone like that. It doesn't make you relatable, it makes my happy news less significant, in fact in one asshatted moment you just stomped my good news or funny comment or happy thought into the dirt. That makes you an asshat. 

Stop talking. 

Step 10: When all else fails, drink. Alcohol is truth serum, no matter what anyone says, and in my humble opinion, one can always have great conversation with a glass of wine. Or shine. Or microbrew. 

Just don't be an asshat. 

Or just serve them Aristocrat. 

And make them crash on the floor. 

How to Properly Use Social Media

How to Properly Use Social Media

Subtitle: Brianne’s Humor 101 - Don’t ever take anything that seriously.  

Step 1:  Understand social media.  What is social media? Social Media, by definition is: “forms of electronic communication (as Web sites for social networking and microblogging) through which users create online communities to share information, ideas, personal messages, and other content (as videos)” (Thank you Merriam Webster online).  Or, in normal people words, we don’t like to talk to real people anymore, so we do it online but not even in a direct damn fashion.  Social media, in reality, was invented to connect like minded people that might have passed each other in life and to network for professional ventures. Don’t believe me? Google the founders of ANY social media outlet, I guar-an-damn-tee that their intention was NOT for people to share what they were eating for dinner, their location every five seconds or to beg for money.  

Step 2:  Know your social media. In this step, we shall begin with Facebook.  Facebook is probably the most used form of social media. You can share photos, events, how you are feeling and games with your friends, neighbors and complete strangers in foreign countries.  While you can fill it with a LOT of personal information, there should be a limit to said information.  People have forgotten what kinds of things are private and what kinds of things are not.  Your money problems, private.  Your marital status, private. Your sex life, private.  I don’t want to know about ANY of that, nor do I want to share it with you.  In fact, I am one of those people who will post fake crap concerning those three areas above and more just to screw with you.  

Step 3:  And, on that note, let’s continue with Facebook shall we? Why step 3? Because this needs it’s own step.  If you spilt up with your significant other and are NOT 15 years old, you should NOT go to Facebook FIRST to change your status. Facebook was designed for college students that had nothing else better to do than try to get laid. In fact, the simple fact that “It’s complicated” is an option in relationship bothers me to no end, hence the reason why every chance I get to mess with my awesome husband, I change said status to play with him.  He does it too people, you just aren’t friends with him! This is not to diss my friends who are so sweet and worry about me when I make said crazy changes (or even better when I marry myself off to Michael Shanks / Daniel Jackson who some people thought was my REAL boyfriend LOL - I wish...) The sad part is that you kind sweet people think jokes like I make are real because stupid people are using this to air their dirty laundry, which is not why it was invented.  Keep that crap to yourself or unfriend me. 

Step 4: Facebook, continued.  I am really on a roll here, aren’t I? If I am going to offend, I might as well go full tilt.  Now, the next thing that drives me crazy on Facebook are causes.  Don’t get me wrong, I fully support your cancer run, etc. and will be happy to contribute when I can, but some of your other causes.... that I won’t mention.  Let me put it to you this way, as long as there are starving children and people dying due to a lack of health insurance, I really can’t care about much else. So, you can post it, but don’t tag me in it or put it on my wall because I might tell you how I really feel.  

Step 5:  Facebook, partie quatre. Bragging.  Now, aside from the “I’m in the bathroom right now” and/or “Life sucks. Why does life hate me, screw the world” status people, on the other end of the spectrum we have the braggarts. The ‘my life is peaches and cream perfect’ and I am going to brag about every vacation, shopping trip, life achievement, etc. every five freakin seconds so much so that you want to unfriend me.  You know these people; we all have them in our lists.  This is DIFFERENT from sharing good news with your network, these people look like they artfully craft each and every post to rub in your face how good their life is.  For you people understand this, we are not idiots.  We know you are crazily insecure and need those strokes to your ego.  And we aren’t jealous of you when you post that crap; we just feel sorry for you... (P.S. For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook I only post such things for a) my inlaws because they live 600 miles away and it is easier than calling all of them or b) in smartass retaliation for some else’s stupidity in breaking above the mentioned rules). 

Step 6:  Twitter.  Thought I was going to continue ranting about Facebook, didn’t you? Nope, we are going to move on to the latest trend in media.  Twitter was meant to send short snippets of information to a list of followers.  And stalk celebrities.  Who are using it to self-promote. Which is what it was intended for.  It is not for making friends, keeping friends or anything else that would replace normal human interaction.  I like to read about what people I admire are doing and yes I do tweet to Mr. Canadian Hot Pants and yes he has answered me, more than once, but I do not think that this means I will actually ever be friends with this man nor does it mean that you are friends with who you are tweeting to and/or who tweets you back.  Honestly, I see the purpose as small sarcastic texts sent to an audience.  That’s it. I tweet through Game of Thrones to make fun of each and every little insane detail to amuse myself, and others.  So, if you are doing any of the same things that you are doing in the above mentioned Facebook steps, stop.  It makes you look stupid.

AMENDED - YOU CAN MAKE FRIENDS ON TWITTER!!! FRIENDS THAT RULE!!! FRIENDS I LOVE. AND MEET AWESOME CELEBS LIKE CORIN NEMEC WHO IS GREAT!!!   

Step 7: Blogs.  Ok, yes, it’s ironic that I am going to blast blogs while writing a blog, but isn’t that the point in this to be ironic.  Or sarcastic.  See, I am trying to teach how my sense of humor works.  Blogging is very cathartic, I know, almost as cathartic as my cheesy stories I write or watching ‘The Wiener's Circle” with my husband (Have you guys seen that? CLASSIC) and while you can blog about what you want, please keep in mind a few things.  Blogs are PUBLIC.  PUBLIC.  People can hunt you down and stalk you if you put on there your freakin location, etc. AND/OR people can search for your your entries and FIND out creepy crap about you.  I have seen blogs that have about every piece of personal information known to mankind but your Social Security number and then you go gripin on Facebook (back to Facebook - see - it all goes back to freakin’ Facebook) that you have weirdoes messaging you OR had your idenitiy stolen.  Can we be smart about this people, ok? 

Step 8:  Now to explain Brianne’s sense of humor (For the humorless and the insanely kind whose friendship I greatly appreciate) 

Social Media Outlet	How it was intended to be used	How Bri uses it
Facebook	Began as a college student directory (primarily for dating) and expanded to be a directory to track down friends.	To let long-distance friends and relatives know how my family is doing and to amuse myself by posting insane statuses (stati - what’s the correct plural here)
Twitter	To send text messages to a small group of people rather than doing that select all crap with your phone.	To make fun of things and tweet Michael Shanks. In neither case am I ever really being serious.
Blogs	Short, online articles used by publishers to entice further reading.	Can’t you see the description above.  Basically, I want to be a smart aleck. Ergo, you need to not take ANY of this seriously.
Tumblr	For people to make small, photo and video based websites dedicated to a topic	Don’t use this, ain’t got the time.  Would LOVE to have the time, but I barely get papers graded, house cleaned and children fed.
Pinterest	To create boards where things you want to remember are logged for later use	To make a list of fantasy dresses I want custom made that I would legit wear in public AND post pictures of Mr. Canadian Hot Pants.

Step 9: More on Brianne’s humor part 2.  I am NOT an alcoholic.  It’s a joke.  In fact, there are like 2 bottles of Spanish wine in there.  Unopened.  That might not get opened until this weekend, if I feel like it.  And, since I work out like a freak, I probably won’t feel like it.  Don’t lecture me; I am trying to be funny. If if weren’t for those buckle-hatted bastards we wouldn’t even be having this conversation, would we?

Step 10: Michael Shanks. Thought we’d get to him sooner, didn’t we?  Let’s lay this out there.  I NEVER had a celeb crush as a kid, no Teen Beat or Tiger Pop mags, never.  I got my first and ONLY celeb crush at 30 years old.  Do I think he is a great actor? Yes.  Do I think he is the hottest man on the planet? Yes. Do want to meet him? Yes. Do I plan to run away to Canada to throw myself at him? No, that’s stupid.  It is stupid that people even think that.  In fact, the reason I mention him so much is that it has become an inside joke between me and my husband of 8 years. He thinks it’s funny, and if he thinks it’s funny, then we’re fine.  Again, it is a joke, you people need to take it easy.  And, on the off chance he is reading this and ever gets to this entry - joking aside, I think you are really awesome and would like to buy you a drink :-)