How to Make the World Work Right

How to Make the World Work Right

Subtitle: I should run everything. Everything. So, we should probably get to cloning. Who’s got Thor’s number? Shanks? Anybody??

Oh and we’ve broke the 100’s folks. 99 days remain. Start sharpening your swords. 

Step 1: Sort everyone.  Now, I’m not talking about profiling, stereotyping or anything else that offends people. What I am proposing is just simple sorting, using a tool that we all in the USA and maybe other places experienced in middle school - the World of Work Interest Inventory.  Here’s a link: http://www.wowi.com/ . Try it out. Because we need to get a better idea of who belongs where and who doesn’t.  Some people belong in, well, let’s say, considering current events, politics. Some don’t. And we need a way to know...

Step 2:  ....but we might need more than that so let’s add to it a few tests. Remember in school you had to do fitness tests and things.  I think we need to have basic testing for living period.  Basic health and fitness, no, you don’t need to be an athlete, but you also don’t need to be running up my insurance premiums (see, old again, worried about insurance). Basic personal finance.  If you are using those cash for your car title shit, you FAIL.  Basic parenting test. If you cannot tend to personal needs, uh, like BATHING regularly, then you FAIL. And no worries about paying experts to make up these tests. I will do it.  Free of charge. 

Step 3: Teach people how to speak. Properly.  Now, I will admit, I tend to slip into southern like a greased pig, but I also know how NOT to speak southern when needed. The problem is that people have forgotten how to speak in professional situations and this needs to be amended. Case in point, know when your doctors asks about forms of birth control that they are called condoms and not condominiums.  Know that a media center and a library (not LIE-BERRY note as well) are the same damn thing, especially if you work in one. Do not use the words nom nom, snarky, bling, snuggle/cuddle when talking about someone that is not your child, and using the word gay to demean anything when even if you are NOT trying to insult an entire group of people you are using the word incorrectly anyway.  If you CANNOT follow these basic rules, you will be issued a dictionary and punished for improper usage. 

Step 4: And while we are at it, let’s make sure people know how to read. Like really read. Not like low as mud so easy my second grader could pass reading tests but really read. Hard shit. I want everyone to be able to read War & Peace and actually understand it.  If you can’t we will make special classes for you so you can. Because people don’t read anymore. Anything. Even simple emails that say HERE is what you NEED to do, exactly, using small words yet still result in a phone call, asking for clarification.  In fact, I think we need to adopt a policy of not speaking to one another for like 3 years, just so people will be forced to do shit like read a menu themselves.  Just a thought. 

Step 5: Sink or swim. After figuring out where you should go, you need to just be thrown into it. To FAIL.  Trust me, it works.  When I was student teaching my cooperating teacher (the person whose class I took over) up and left my first day that I taught alone.  Literally. He ran some laundry mats, so instead of having to go late night after school, he just snuck out the back and let me teach (I really know some interesting people in my life). Well, teach might be a loose term, since I was like 19 or 20 or something.  It was more like wrangle, threaten and cry, but it worked.  It taught me the glare we have spoken about in earlier injuries. Everyone needs the glare. 

Step 6: Bring back whuppings. In like everything.  Whuppings in schools, whuppings in public, just whuppings all around.  The police should be issued paddles ad given some sort of power (remember we sorted right, hopefully kept the asshats out of this position) to whup the crap out of someone’s backside if they screw up. Have you all WATCHED COPS lately? There are so many people that really didn’t need to be lectured and arrested, just needed to have their britches pulled down and whupped bare ass on the street.  Trust me, I bet you ONE YouTube video of a good ‘ole southern butt whuppin and little Druggie Jr. ain’t ever gonna be selling again.  

Step 7:  Ok, so we’ve got everyone sorted, tested, they can read, they can speak properly and we are literally going to whup their asses when they screw up, we need to elect effective leaders.  REAL FRAKKIN’ PEOPLE. People that are not millionaires, people that actually can talk without speech writers, people who frown once in a while because anyone that smiles that much is FAKIN’ IT!! A person who will answer questions at a debate with a GIANT ASS LIE DETECTOR attached to them, that not only bings loudly when it goes off but zaps the shit out of them when they lie.  People that don’t call each other names like six year olds.  Find me THOSE people.  Ideas? Anybody? 

Step 8: Screw it.  I’m just taking over. No one is going to listen to my advice, they never do. Don’t lie to me people, you’ve all learned to skip to step 10.  I’ve got that army in training, Troop #%)@ (sorry can’t give the numbers online - safety and all) and I am slowing forming a twitter army as well.  And we’re smart, we’re not going after a nation, we’re thinking smaller.  Detroit. Cuz it’s falling apart anyway. They’ll welcome us with open arms.  Well, that and we couldn’t afford an island. Seriously, check Ebay. Have you SEEN what those are going for? 

Step 9: Make a side trip, to Canada.  Steal Mr. Canadian Hot Pants.  I need a king. Hot Roommate is really smart and politically savvy, so he’ll will be busy ruling, I need someone to keep me company.  And I hear his wife has a thing for Channing Tatum.  Hun, you are smokin’ girl crush kinda hot. Go get Tatum. I’ll take your sloppy seconds with no complaints. 

Step 10: Well, since I have now taken over and we are stuck in Detroit Junction (DJ - get it? get it?)  I have also taken control of the St. Julian Vineyard (My Michigan expert has advised me that this is the best course of alcoholic action). Peach Wine for everyone!! That is until we get that trade agreement with Spain.  Hot Roommate get to stepping with those negotiations and Hot Pants, go pour me some wine! 

How to Run a Girl Scout Troop

How to Run a Girl Scout Troop

Subtitle: Don’t even laugh. I do this and I do a damn good job too.  Well, I think so anyway...

Step 1:  Make a plan.  Like just about anything else in life you need a plan of attack.  See why Athena is my patron??? You need to lay out from day one a calendar of the entire year (which runs on the school year) from September to June and include every food sale (probably cookies and peanuts) and every time and day you would like to meet and every single Girl Scout holiday or event (They are a lot of them, they are important and patch worthy). Don’t worry about everyone else is doing, if you only want to see the little buggers twice a month, see them twice a month.  Some other leaders are going to use this as their entire life.  Don’t be one of them. The children will hate you. They have other things to do even if you don’t. 

Step 2: Find some girls.  Now, the council can assign you girls, but unless you are me and are the luckiest person on planet Earth and get the BEST LITTLE GIRLS EVER OMA I LOVE THEM SO FREAKIN MUCH NO JOKE HERE AT ALL, you might get stuck with some crazies.  Take your list TO your council representative and say, here are some girls that want a troop and I will do it. Then, when they pull out the waiting list of girls that need a troop either you don’t have any room or once they meet you and your friend’s kids, they will either embrace the crazy or go running for the hills.  

Step 3: Get that book. For each level of Girl Scouting, there is a book that lays out EVERYTHING.  Sure, it is annoying to have to shell out more bucks for a supposedly free all inclusive activity, but this book is worth it.  For starters if you are not super creative it tells you exactly what to do down to buy this number of supplies and/or exactly what to say with a script, but it also has nice little charts to guide you (and we know how much I like charts). 

Step 4: Learn your badges.  The number one thing that girl scouts love are those little patches that decorate those ADORABLE little vests.  SOO CUTE!!! (Having a moment here, sorry).  You need to learn these badges from top to bottom so you can plan activities and figure out when things can count for more than one item or when something you were going to do with the girls already has a patch (Wee for accidental re-readings of the book). Because these little boogers want their vest/sash/tunic to be so heavy that can barely walk from the car to your meeting.  And so do you. Makes you look all cool and stuff.  

Step 5: Trash the dried pasta! Seriously, it is 2012, you think these kids still want to play with dried pasta!?! I tried the craft thing for about 5 minutes and the girls looked at me like “Uh, we do this crap in school; I thought this was supposed to be fun.” So, I went for what I know and love, travel.  Which brings us to step 6...

Step 6: Field Trips.  Girl Scouts love a field trip. Probably because politicians have taken the fun out of school and don’t let teachers do this anymore and need to stay the heck out of education and let us do our jobs!!!! But I digress.... These little chickadees will go anywhere and do anything.  Even make worm bins (for free!!). Even practice yoga (not free but super cheap!). Even go off-roading in the belly of a rock quarry (free again!!! I am good at finding free and willing to share). Yeah, they’ll do that.  They’ll do all of that. And ask for more. 

Step 7: The more.  Now, the downside to getting the travel bug into your girls is that now they want to go everywhere.  They even want to go to Busch Gardens. And these little boogers will move cookies like nobodies business in order to do this (see step 8 about cookies), even if that means each girl has to sell over a hundred boxes each (They will do it, they are relentless little demons, it is quite amazing.  Remember that army we needed some posts back to take Canada so I could have Michael Shanks all to myself.  Dude, I’ve got them, I just need to arm them). Just beware at Busch Gardens of the Clydesdales.... Innocent horses you say???? Oh no, oh no no no.  

Try explaining THIS to a group of seven year olds. I couldn’t.  The one dad on the field trip took them outside.  We moms took pictures.  

Step 8: The cookies. Now, no Girl Scouting experience is complete without the sale of the cookies.  And this racket is so well organized and thought out that not only is somebody making BANK off of child labor, but these cookies are SOO anticipated that they are also saving millions on advertising.  And the kids will sell the hell out of the damn things no matter how much they cost.  So, take my advice.  Get your girls orders in and then triple it.  Order THAT much from council. Otherwise you will be going to the cooke cupboard every freaking weekend. And still need more.  In fact, while you are at it, dedicate an ENTIRE room of your house to the sale of said cookies.  Because they will overtake your life and STEAL YOUR SOUL..... (In fact, I am considering an entire post on this topic alone). 

Step 9: The peanuts.  Think of them a “Cookie Light”  Now, these are a bit difficult since no one seems to know what they are even though the scouts have sold them for years.

The girls will still hustle them, but since they do not have drugs inserted into them like Thin Mints do (just kidding everyone, kidding) and you can buy peanuts everywhere, it’s a tougher sell. A sample conversation may look like this:

Scout: Hi my name is SUPER CUTE BROWNIE and I am selling Peanuts.  

Customer: Peanuts? When do cookies go on sale? 

Scout: The peanuts are our fall sale and cookies are in the spring. But we have a lot of great choices if you would like to see.

Customer: Do you have any cookies left? Can I place my order now? 

Scout: Sir, it is peanut season and we are selling peanuts for our camping trip.  

Customer: (Looking at peanuts and their crazy high prices) Do they come in Samoa flavor!?!?

But, since people love them some Girl Scouts and this sale usually raises money for camping which makes everyones heart sink again, you will sell them.  For this, buy 1.5 of what the girls sold and clear about 1/3 of a room.  Oh and avoid those chocolate covered almonds with the candy coating. They are like crack. Expensive, fattening crack.  For a good cause of course :-)

Step 10:  Ok, so for this step I googled “Wine Pairing for Girl Scout Cookies” with Hot Roommate just to be silly.  And I got hits. LOTS of them.  Thanks especially to the HuffPo for the best article: Cookie and Wine Pairings   Fantastic! So make sure you saved some cookies.... apparently you will need them.  If not, next year I recommend ordering a case (or two), storing them in the freezer, and popping out a box (or two) each month.  And don’t forget me! I will be taking orders as soon as the cookie police tell me I can!