How to Survive a Road Trip with Kids

How to survive a road trip with kids

Subtitle: Seriously babe, we are doing this again? For 12 hours? Why aren’t we on the train? A plane? Fine, fine, just mount up.  

Step 1: Pre-threaten your children. Any good parent has learned the fine art of pre-threatening. This is where you lay out the worst case scenario possible of what could go wrong on this trip and explain explicitly to your children how much pain you will inflict on them if they DARE cross you or create any of the above mentioned situations.  I prefer to do this in Spanish so anyone close to me will not know what I am saying and therefore cannot call Child Protective Services. 

Step 2: Get the car looked at. This is more for your husband’s piece of mind than to prepare your children, but the argument can be made that any instance of breaking down on the side of the road 8 hours from home with two children under the age of ten is something we want to avoid anyway. What you need to be careful of in particular is that you go to a mechanic you trust so they do not see the panicked look in your spouse’s eyes of “please for the love of all things holy do not let us break down with these damn kids” and take you for every dime you have. That you need for tolls.  And gas.  Because we can invent damn phones that have conversations with you and act like butlers but we are still using dinosaurs corpses to make our vehicles move. That makes sense....

Step 3: The hourly gift. This is a little gem I stole from my mom.  Go to the dollar store and for every hour of the trip buy a small toy/candy/coloring book/object for your little one.  I have two kids and the trip to the in-laws is 12 hours so I buy 24 little things.  $24 you think.  Heck no! I hit the 2/$1 or 4/$1 bins or I bust up a multipack.  Why an hour? First, it is easy to count and second it takes about 40 minutes before whining starts.  If you make the gift giving an entire process, it can kill each hour successfully.  Until they are 5.  Then they catch on. Keep reading if your kids are older than 5. 

Step 4: Plan your travel. TRAVEL AT NIGHT.  I cannot stress this enough.  First, and hopefully quite obvious, is that your children will be asleep.  And you want them unconscious for as much of this as possible, right? I mean, didn’t someone even write a children’s book called “Go the F to sleep” or something like that? I knew I wasn’t alone.  Plus, not only will they be asleep, but no one is on the darn road except truckers.  Now, truckers get a bad rap, but what is way worse than truckers are Prius drivers who think their little plastic car has super powers enabling them to teleport in front of you and those trucks without signals.  Fortunately, Prius owners have their little eco-friendly pup tents popped in a state park at night so you can avoid them too.  

Step 5: MOVIES MOVIES MOVIES or TV.... You’re too lazy to shoot 5 hours energies every two hours to make it through the night, whatever.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  However, since I pity you I am strongly advising you to invest in one of these: http://www.bestbuy.com/site/Philips+-+9%22+Widescreen+Portable+DVD+Player+with+Dual+Screens/9468952.p;jsessionid=C5A7862D721865A4B07A4008AC6C929A.bbolsp-app01-02?id=1218110421046&skuId=9468952

This is a portable DVD player and it will SAVE YOUR LIFE.  Unless you have one kid they will fight over the iPad or the computer, so the two screen are important.  If the trip is long, alternate between the children’s selections.  If you are having a hard time deciding what to show, remember Star Wars?  Kid crack? Once they hear that first ‘duh duh’ of the music the car will drop to silence.  

    

  Side note: If you travel at night, you might still want to get one of these just in case.  After all, worst case scenario, you can watch Michael Shanks movies (or preferably Stargate) the entire way there.  Yummy...

Step 6: Drugs. Not for you!! You are driving.  I mean for the kids.  Now, I don’t do this because we are health nuts, but I have friends who give the kids Benadryl right before leaving at night and boom, they are out for at least 10 hours.  This creeps me out, but it works... 

Step 7: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Mom, when are we getting there? Dad, can we stop? I have to pee.  No, I can’t hold it. I really have to go.  There’s a McDonald’s!!! No, mom I really have to pee; I don’t want a happy meal.  Thanks for stopping, I thought I was going to explode.  Since we’re here, can I get a Happy Meal? ...... I don’t even want to hear it.  See Step 4 and you could have avoided this entire mess. 

Step 8: Learn to LIE.  Even if you are driving thought the night the kids might wake up at some point.  When they ask, are we there yet, with a smile on your face reply “In about a half an hour.”  Most kids have no concept of time, so they will accept this at least three times in a row before they question you.  If you are driving at night, they will fall back asleep before they can ask again.  If you are a moron and are driving during daylight hours, just change the DVD.

Step 9: The last leg.  At this point in the trip I am done. If hubby has allowed me to actually drive any of the trip it is NOT this part because I am not a morning person regardless of whether or not I have gone to sleep.  Everyone who knows me knows this, in fact, my students will message me “Have you had your coffee yet?” BEFORE they try to ask me a serious question.  However, I have to stay awake to cheer on hubby for this last part of the journey.  Enter Siri, my dearest friend.  On Siri before we leave I create a playlist, and I call it Abydoys (we know where this is going, don’t we??).  I set a four song pattern, three that will make me blissfully daydream about making Daniel Jackson forget that any other woman in the universe ever existed (Not Michael Shanks, I love him, but he is married to a cool and gorgeous lady. Oh, me being married? In my fantasies, I am not me, so it is all good :-) ) and the fourth song to remind me that my husband is driving and to snap out of it and make sure he has not fallen asleep.  Kids at this point, still konked. 

Step 10: Mom!!! *Big hug for awesome mother in law* We’re here! You got me Spanish wine? In advance!! You shouldn’t have (BIG LIE)!! Thank you but it’s only 9 a.m. (And I haven’t slept in over 24 hours) but yes, I will have a glass.  A big glass. 

How to Vacation in Style

How to Vacation in Style

Subtitle: How to survive the Great Wolf Lodge with your sanity, body and wallet intact. 

Step 1: Go to their website. Familiarize yourself with the lodge and which location you would like to attend.  Make yourself a wish list.  Pick three rooms you would like and list them in this order. Here is the order I use while I am planning.

1. Room I would book if I was were married to Michael Shanks (tee hee) 
2. Room I would book if I just scored a good translation job. 
3. Room I can really afford to book.  

Next, go onto the packages. Don’t read them.  Here is what you want to buy. IF you want lots of activities for the kids to do buy the Paws Pass.  IF you want them to take a lot of stuff home (and have a POOP load of arcade tokens) get the Wolf Pass.  PACKAGE CAUTION: The Wolf Pass includes a quest thingy that you have to either have this special wand in advance OR buy said $20 wand.  Ask them to exchange for arcade tokens; they will do it.  Now... DON’T BOOK ANYTHING ONLINE!!

Step 2: Call the phone number.  This will not be the first time I mention this, but the people that work for Great Wolf Lodge are the NICEST people ever. They seriously give those Chick-fil-a people a run for their money, and they are so nice you have to wonder if their guts are made of cotton candy and gum drops. Once on the line, explain to them why you are coming to the lodge.  EVERY last detail.  Everything.  Befriend them.  Now, for my northern readers this may be hard, but us southerners were born talking to complete strangers.  It’s in our DNA. We can’t buy groceries without inviting at LEAST one person in the line with us to dinner. Once you get on a nice first name basis with the booking agent, begin to talk about the first room on your wish list.  Believe it or not, you may actually get that room for the third room price (Sadly, Michael Shanks is not included). Depending on your flexibility and applicable sob story, you would be amazed what the phone agent can do that the website cannot. 

Step 3:  Go to the grocery store, the day before you leave.  This is IMPERATIVE.  While the fun at the lodge is ENDLESS the food is AWFUL.  AWFUL.  I mean, so very very bad. This is not because I am some health nut, although my husband claims that it is, but there is a limit to the amount of processed garbage that you can eat.  Every room has a fridge, so you will be just fine storing your items.  There are stores nearby, but like any good entrepreneur, the prices are higher due to the proximity of the resort.  So, don’t be lazy, bring your food with you.  You will thank me later. 

Step 4:  Arrive at the lodge right when you can check in.  Now you may arrive as early as 1 pm when check-in is at 4, but do not arrive at 1.  First, since people are checking out at 11 and then hanging around to swim a bit, they start getting tired by one and leaving in a mass exodus of wiped, waterlogged, clueless parents staggering with little Timmy running unsupervised into the parking lot.  And, without fail, your kid will be starving to death by 2 and begging for crap at the snack bar, which we have already discussed in step 3, and your food in five acres away in a cooler in the car.  Ok, so you may be thinking, I will just walk to the car, it’s no big deal.  Do that net thingy ONCE with your kid, just ONCE.  Then reconsider walking to the car for a snack.  

Step 5: Water park first.  Not only will the kids be chanting “We want to swim, we want to swim!” over and over like some crazy protesters on the White House lawn, but it will wear them the hell out.  Yes, you want to enjoy this vacation with your kids, but isn’t it also nice to have them pass out so you can talk to your spouse and enjoy some adult conversation. With adult words.  Words like pontificate.  That’s a nice word. I had forgotten about how great a word was.  I enjoy pontificating on the internet in abundance.  

Step 6: Step 6 will be a mini how to, because the water park itself requires its own survival guide.  Here is how it will go down.  

1. You will enter heated water park.  For sun bums like me, it is fantastic.  For my husband (aka hot roommate), the resident yankee, it might as well be the Sahara desert.  Dress accordingly.  I have seen non-swimmers in there, in sweaters, complaining about the heat.  The sign says 84 degree year round.  If you cannot read that huge ass sign by the door you need not be here in the first place. 
2. Next, do not take your own towels, they have towels there and it gives you less to keep up with.  Because your child will lose at least 5 things on this trip and the towel is something you don’t want to lose for future beach trips.  
3. DO wear a cover up.  Please.  I understand what it is to be heavy, I used to be very heavy, and to be honest, this had nothing to do with being heavy and everything to do with people need to have a realistic understanding of what they should and should not wear.  Please.  Some people should not wear a two piece bathing suit.  And, to boot, put your boobs away. This is a kid’s theme park. If your boobs are hanging out I am assuming you want preteens to archive you for future reference.  That is NASTY and WRONG.  
4. Do the central area first. This is because once you and your kids see the water you will quickly forget how old you are and go dashing up the net with them. Yes, the net.  There are stairs leading to the water slides as well, stairs I did not discover until visit number 2, but your kid will act as if they do not exist and beg you to climb the net. Do it.  Because depending on your fitness level, you will get up that net a max of ten times and you will be done for the entire trip.  I run 7 miles easy now and after about time number 8, I was officially finished.  
5. Move onto the larger slides.  This also requires a hike, up nearly three stories of stairs. Carrying a float.  While your kids run ahead. And call you slow.  What in the hell!?!? I run at least 3 miles a day and some stairs are killing me!?! PLEASE SLOW DOWN KIDS!! I’M DROPPING THE FLOAT!!
6. Now, if you have played your cards right, your children will be tired and just want to chill in the pools. This gives you a chance to decompress for a while and allow them to finish the wearing down process. 

Step 7:  Dinner time! Now, if you did not buy sandwich supplies at grocery store or your kids are claiming that a sandwich will not satisfy their massive hunger, there IS a Pizza Hut Express in the Lodge.  It is the BEST deal on food there and it is GOOD. Seriously. Plus, the Pizza Hut guys are super funny and will joke around with you while you wait. Nice and amusing.  And cute too (make sure hubby is not reading this step...) :-) 

Step 8: Bedtime.  Your kids will be tired, but they will not want to go to sleep.  They will fight you.  Start by making them shower BEFORE going to bed, because, really, chlorine or not, it is public water.  NASTY! Super nasty.  Like every bad film strip you watched in health class in high school nasty.  Remember, children pee in pools.  Even good children.  Even your children.  Watch, at least once you will see an oops face that a little has escaped.  Throw those little boogers under the hottest water they can tolerate and take to them with Brillo pads.  The fit they will throw to avoid getting in this water will take the last of it out of them.  Place children into beds.

Step 9: What about the rest of the stuff? That my friends is for day two.  If you stay an entire weekend, which we have not done yet, fine, hop from thing to thing.  But if you just do overnight, do all of the arcade crap when it opens the next morning.  Your kids will be the first ones there and you can avoid and snotty noses and hardcore teens cursing at the zombie shooting machine.  Or the odd adults that are playing the video games like they are competing for some sort of championship or million dollar prize. Unless you want to stare and make fun of those people. Dude, you’re getting all worked up over an arcade game at a place with pink and purple black lights and Jonas brothers music.  That makes you look cool. Sure. 

Step 10: Leave.  This is it’s own step because one of two things are going to happen.  Either your kids, out of tokens from the arcade, out of bowling passes, stuffed with crap food that in step 3 I told you not to buy but you did anyway thinking I was just being cheap but you now realize as you run to the bathroom for the fifth time that I was right, decide that they are finished OR they will throw a damn fit.  If the first is the case, go ahead and head out, checking out and maybe even taking them to the water park again before you leave.  If the latter is the case, you need to resort the either bribery of threats.  Promise to go someone else one the way home (bribery) or if you parent like me, tell them if they throw the fit now “We will never come back here, ever, even if it was your final wish, and you will never go to a water park, anywhere, ever for as long as you both live.”  My kids know I am mean, so usually by the word never they have backpacks on and are heading for the door.  

Step 11: I know - I never do a Step 11.  But we need this, right? A little personal reward for surviving this. Two words.  Spanish Wine.  (Betcha thought I was going to say Michael Shanks :-) ... Dude, if I figure out how to get that man to be my personal reward, I will NEVER SHARE - sorry. )