How to Understand Teenagers

How to Understand Teenagers

A short post for the National Day to Reclaim Education

This was a discussion response I gave in a class that I am taking, and I just want each of you to understand what the average high school student is dealing with and WHY sometimes, it is really NOT their fault...

It's OURS.

While I think that we have always had stress in our lives, I do think that considering how we have created modern convieniences to help (no more needed hunting b/c of grocery store, no tribal invaders b/c of governments, etc.) that we've created an entirely new set of stressors that is ruining to the next generation.

Sorry, teacher rant coming on...

Dr. Bic's lecture really hit me. I've taught high school for 13 years and will be beginning my PhD in Education in the spring. During my time as a educator I have not only witnessed how we are ruining children by taking out the stressors in their life when they are young (how fast do MOST parents dash after their seven year old when they fall on the playground. Personal experience, when I yell 'You ok?' I have HAD other parents say nasty things to me) only to apply so much unnatural and unneeded stress when they reach high school. After they've had their hands held for YEARS in high school we ask the following:

1. Take 7-8 classes a year, as hard as possible, knowing that AP & IB classes are set up like college classes with same workload (whereas in most colleges you would only take 4 at a time....this is TWICE AS MUCH). = 6 hours or so in school + 2 hours or so homework (I'm being VERY conservative here) so 8 hours a day or 40 hours a week.
2. Hold a job. Otherwise you're leeching off of your parents. = 15-20 hours a week, but let's say 15 to be conservative.
3. Play a sport. Now, since adults are so involved in college athletics on a financial level (and yes, I AM an educator, I am aware of the scholarships but I think we are losing focus). = 10 hours a week plus games, again, conservative, I only ran track in high school and helped with that coaching and it was more than this for TRACK.
4. Do a club or something 'art' like. Trying to be conservative here, but my kid's godmother is the Band Director. They practice outside of class about 6-8 hours a week, but let's say 5.
5. Community Service because all college applications say you need community service. Again, let's be conservative and say 1-2 hours a week.

So far we are at? 72 hours a week. 72!!! Now, to top it off young people are recommended to get 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Let's add that to it. We're at 128. Now, let's take into account meals, maybe 2 hours a day? We're at 142. Travel time, since most of these kids are not homeschooled and have to get to jobs. Let's say and hour a day, maybe 6 days a week. We're at 148. Getting dressed, showering, getting ready?? Another hour a day?? We're at 155.

155!!

That leaves young people only 13 hours a week to decompress! Let's not mention that in the AP/IB classes, the sports, the art activities, they MUST be #1 to get into college!! #1!! Add that pressure.

No wonder our kids are so messed up.

If this keeps up, we are going to create a generation that can't handle anything, if we haven't done so already. They're not taught any skills to deal with real problems and then we toss them into this disaster with no training.

*Sigh*

Maybe getting my PhD I can help to fix this insanity.

It's a nice thought anyways. 

How to Mentor a New Online Teacher

How to Mentor a New Online Teacher

Subtitle: Turn the computer on.  No, the button does not say “on” it is just a button with a little on symbol.  No, that button ejects a CD!! Just click the on button...

This is gonna be a long day. 

Fadwa, this is for you xoxoxo

82 days left....why am I even bothering with this????

Step 1: Establish a relationship.  Before you even allow your protégée to turn on the computer screen you will need to establish a working relationship where they know that they can ask you questions. Personally, I found a morning coffee to be quite useful, but establish this routine to occur at a normal hour.  Like 8 a.m. Because your protégée may get up at 4 like a crazy woman and think you will too.  Oh hell no, at 4 a.m. it is me, Daniel Jackson and a cave-in on another planet. Not work.  Ever.

Step 2: Check their basic technology skills.  Now, I understand that the online medium is relatively new to everyone, but there are few things that you should know before you embark on the wide world of online education:

Skills needed to teach online

Know how to turn the computer on

Know how to scroll down

Know how to open the internet

Know that strike any key means ANY key not NE key

There are more, many more, but we are just starting here, right? Let’s take things slowly. 

Step 3: Show them how the website works. This is super important because chances are your software and server come from Canada, and we all know that Canadians should really just stick to exporting Hockey players and hot blue eyed actors (and you guys can just export Mr. Canadian Hot Pants right my way, I’m happy to send you the address). The website will make perfect sense in version 1.0, a little better sense in version 2.0 but by version 3.0 you and the tech guy are threatening to go make some nut butter. (See Southpark).  Considering your frustration level, and that they may still be at step 2, you might just want to give them a primer. 

Step 4:  Sounds like your computer is frozen. Yea, frozen. What? A what? No you don’t need a heating pad......

Step 5: Make sure they are meeting with the students. Now, the difference between online learning versus school in a box is that online learning requires a teacher to interact with the students. A lot. Like so much my mom came to bring me lunch one day because she’s awesome and couldn’t even discuss the third Sookie Stackhouse book with me for five freakin’ minutes because the phone was ringing so much.  And on top of that, you need to meet them in the virtual classroom as well, which you should have explained to your protégée in step 3.  Not only is this vital to their education, but it cuts down on the calls all day asking what you are doing, making you wonder yourself what exactly they are doing if they have time to call you. 

Step 6: Huh? What do you mean all of the students have F’s in the gradebook?? Right. Yeah. But you didn’t change that? It’s been that way all along? But it’s November, how did you not notice that they all have F’s???

Step 7: Slowly introduce extra tools. Slowly. Real slow. Like one app a month slow. Because, believe it or not, I do actually do more than just grade papers and answer the phone, really, I do, oh just be quiet.  I make news items and other cool virtual tricks to help them remember things.  Meme’s like this handy little reminder to make sure that they turn in their work: 

Or, adorable Daniel Jackson memes that make them remember to do something like this. 

But go slow. Really slow. Because otherwise you get ten thousand calls where you are asked to repeat the steps, all of them, slowly, and when you do they stop you and tell you they forgot to go get paper to write it down.......

Step 8: Which reminds me, make sure they have paper. Chances are, if they tried to apply a heating pad back in step 4, making them write down everything you say will be beneficial.  Everything. Yes, repeat those steps back to me. Slowly. Ok, we can move on.  

Step 9:  Huh? Why are you calling now? We’re in a faculty meeting. Yes, right now, I had to mute it to answer the phone. Go log in. What do you mean you can’t log in, you did last week. What? No I am not going to unmute the meeting and shove the computers together so you can hear! (mutter and grumbles - shoving computers together). I’m not doing this again....I swear.... 

Step 10: Drink. Trust me, you need it. Because after deciding that you’re just going to have to get into your car and drive two hours away to meet with them in person, trying to teach them, do your own work, wrangle your kids and drive back in rush hour, you’re gonna need it.  Barkeep (aka Hot Roommate, or if we have taken over the world Mr. Canadian Hot Pants - BTW Lexa I hope you are enjoy Channing, you’re most welcome) bring me a glass of Rioja. Hell hun, just leave the bottle.  

How to Treat a Teacher

How to Treat a Teacher

Subtitle: I am the reason you are not with your kid 24/7. A thank you once in a while would be nice. 
Oh and before I forget....110 days left my friends..110 days...

Just a note to kiddos in my area. Good luck to you guys starting this week. And good luck to your parents, because you act like idiots when it comes to homework. And come up with stupid reasons as to why you didn’t do it. I’ve heard them all. You are lucky they took away our paddles. 

Step 1: Recognize that a teacher is a person. Once of the greatest surprises in my life as a teacher was the first time I ran into a student at the grocery store.  No exaggerations, the conversation went down like this: 

Student: Sra! What are you doing here!?!

Me: Buying groceries hun, how are you? (see, I call everyone hun, even Michael Shanks - hee hee). 

Student: I’m good, you buy groceries here?

Me: Yea, they have good sales and double coupons. 

Student: You double coupons? So does my mom. 

Me: Smart woman. 

Student: (Stares at me dumbfounded saying nothing). 

Me: Well, I will see you later, got lots to do ya know?

Student: Ok Sra., I just can’t believe you shop here. 

Me: It’s weird I know. Especially when I have to stuff all of these groceries back into the ceiling of the classroom (Bri exits stage right)

Step 2: Understand a teacher’s schedule.  I will never get enough laughs out of those signs that say “The three reasons for being a teacher: June, July & August.”  THOSE signs were not made by a teacher. Because a teacher’s REAL work day/week/year looks something like this.  

September (for some of you, well me, August - sorry) - June

6:00 am - wake up, get your own kids moving if you have to, shower, dress and pack a lunch because some of those b$*ches think teaching high school is a damn fashion show AND the food in the cafeteria will cause you to die of type 2 Diabetes by age 40.

7:30 am - arrive at school, where you either have some sort of silly duty that would not need to exist if parents just whupped their kids once in a while OR get bombarded with students giving you excuses about why they don’t have their work. Because their goat ate it. No lie.  Which I have had told to me. And it was true. “How to Live in the Country” remember??

8:30 am - 3:30 pm - teach and teach and herd and teach and herd and scream and shout and grade and plan and SHOVEL FOOD DOWN IN 20 MINUTES BECAUSE WE ARE THE ONLY PROFESSIONALS ON THE PLANET THAT DO NOT GET AN HOUR and teach and grade and herd and yell and DONE.  That was the bell. Sweet Athena, get out of my room.  

5:00 pm - Make dinner while or after or during your own children’s soccer/football/basketball/yoga/robotics practice. Have stack of papers to grade for every free second.   This is how you will spend the next four hours. 

9:00 pm - Put kids to bed and sits with husband on sofa watching something on TV. Attempt to laugh reactively at the appropriate times despite the fact that you are knee deep in AP Spanish essays and it is insanely hard to grade in one language and watch TV in another. Suck it up and pour some wine (yeah, in step 2 already, it’s THAT bad) and get to work.  

11:00 pm - Fall asleep in papers.

1:00 am - Realize that you are asleep on sofa and husband has left you. Drag yourself to bathroom, brush teeth and pass out, hoping that at the very least Daniel Jackson will visit you in your dreams. 

3:00 am - Get up to go to the bathroom, no damn Daniel yet, pee and head back to bed, looking at the clock realizing you only have three more hours to sleep. 

“Next Verse, same as the first, southern accent now little bit worse” (No former scouts here? For shame...) 

Oh, did you think I forgot the summer? Here’s how we spend the summer.....

planning,taking classes, recertifiying, getting endorsements, engaging in school sponsored traveling, shopping for next year since they give us no money or supplies, doing every personal thing in our lives (marriage, etc) since we can never get time off during the year, all doctors visits, surgeries, major car repairs, 

You get the idea.  Remember my birthday? Don’t get me one of those little signs. I will smack you. 

Step 3: Make sure your kid is ready to start school.  Yes, I know the supply list is insane, but they are paying us a waitresses salary while they spend crazy amounts of money on things like football stadiums and electronic marquees and giving us a box of chalk and a smile. We know how expensive it is, but really, all we want is for you to send them with paper and pencils, that’s it.  If you kid has something to write with and write on, we’ll be happy and start begging for the rest. 

Step 4: Be involved in your child’s education and I mean really involved, Help them with their homework, spelling lists, reading charts and help out in the classroom when needed. And attend meetings about and for your kids.  Sober.  For real.  Do NOT waltz into a meeting to discuss your child’s academic future, did I say waltz, I meant stagger, announcing to the room that you are still young enough to get your period and are on it right now, so let’s get this shit over. True story. Happened to a friend. You just can’t make that shit up, you know? 

Step 5: Parent your child, leave the education to me part one. I am a professional. I have completed an insane amount of training in order to be underpaid and under appreciated.  But, in this training that my friends in college continuously mocked because I COULD have been a translator or something cool, I have learned a lot about, well, learning.  About how children learn, motivating children to learn, enhancing their educational experience, so trust me, ok? I don’t like those standardized tests any more than you do, but I have spent a LOT of my time trying to make sure the kids don’t even know they are prepping for the tests. Throw me a bone ok? 

Step 6: Part two. Now, if I’m spending all of this time planning and getting lessons straight, you need to be covering the other bases. Like sex. Please sit your kid down and explain them in an age appropriate fashion what is going on.  Not only do I find it disturbing that most ten year olds know more positions than I do, but they shouldn’t know sex jokes either.  Yet another true story. Friend teaching in third grade class. Approached by student. Mrs. ________ do you know what the difference between kinky and perverted is.  Kinky is when you use a feather and perverted is when you use the whole chicken.  (Pauses). I will now give you time to close your mouth.  Take note, and head this off at the pass. 

Step 7: Have realistic expectations. You kid could be and NFL player or the next Michael Shanks (see, I even fit him into this one - booyah) but the point of the matter is that without an education there are no guarantees in life.  So don’t tell me that your child is going to miss the entire week leading up to AP review for a volleyball tournament or that their travel glee club trip is more important that studying for my test. Because if you do I am going to have to tell you that attending Stargate Cons is more important that grading your kid’s papers, which, if we are really going apples to apple here, if that’s your attitude, it kinda is.

Step 8: Read what comes home.  I don’t like writing those notes anymore than you like reading them, but I’m trying to keep you informed here.  Read them, please, pretty please with a cherry on top. Because nothing says good parenting like an end of the year return call wondering why your child is failing.  Who are you? Wait, is THIS the real person attached to that voicemail that never returns my calls? 

Step 9:  Can’t find me? I might be in a meeting. Again? I’m probably in a meeting. Still can’t find me? I’m mostly likely in a meeting. Hello? Yeah, you’re lucky you caught me because I am probably am supposed to be in a meeting right now. 

Step 10: Drink coffee. Yeah, you heard me, coffee.  I’m not giving up on the wine, but at this point you might as well hook up an IV to me and your kid’s other teachers 9 months out of the year. You can have wine, but just don’t look at us funny when we show up to happy hour on Friday.  After all, it’s better to be blitzed before we crawl back into the ceilings. 

How to Spot Stupid

How to Spot Stupid

Subtitle: We really shouldn’t need instructions on how to do this, but I needed to amuse myself.  

Step 1:  What is stupid? Time for the teacher to play school.  I checked Wikipedia first, in the high hopes that drunk nerds had been at it this weekend, but alas they simply say “A lack of intelligence or common sense.”  Which just about does it? Ok, so lack of intelligence I am ok with because we are created as different people.  I rock at languages and math, but I can’t open a salsa jar without Hot Roommate to save my life.  That’s called diversity (oooo... I feel another post coming on...). It is the lack of common sense we shall tackle in this entry.  

Step 2:  Basic Stupid.  This is the ‘duh’ kinda stupid.  We are all guilty of this at times.  Basic stupid, for one example, is when you buy shit you can’t afford, i.e you are buying mac and cheese in a box with powdered cheese and whining about the cost of groceries and then go out and buy a Coach bag. While on the stamps.  Basic stupid is like how I have lost my running shoes somewhere and I have NO CLUE WHERE THEY ARE AND HAVE TO USE MY BACK-UP SHOES (Don’t even try to upgrade this to a higher level of stupid, I will smack you).  Basic stupid is forgivable stupid and gives us a good chuckle among friends.  Or funny things to tweet about ;-)

Step 3: Intermediate Stupid. This is the kind of stupid that does not cause you physical harm but can result in other kinds of damage to your character.  You’re intermediate stupid if you pawn your jewelry to get your man outta jail.  That’s man-needy, and stupid.  Intermediate stupid can also include doing things like driving into a concrete post while trying to navigate DC (uh, Hot Roommate) or leaping over a piece of furniture like you are a gazelle (uh, ok, me...) and having to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance, or agreeing to meet a strange man you met on the internet, alone, when he comes to your college campus, with his creepy friends and you have to call in a panic one of your sane friends (the stupid nice one who will not hang up on you) who was just trying to enjoy a bowl of rice and some crappy TV... (let’s see which of my old friends remembers THAT story....).  Well, that one might be more of a step 4...

Step 4: Advanced Stupid. This is the kinda of stupid that could result in your death but unfortunately does not. Emphasis on unfortunately.  This kinda stupid we reserve for those lucky people that try to get themselves killed but it just doesn’t work. Case in point, I live in a small railroad town (Ok, close to one, does that really matter right now?).  Now, my friends, what does one do when you approach the train tracks when the cross arms are down and the lights are blinking? If you answered STOP then you are NOT Advanced Stupid.  Apparently, there are a large number of people in my town who think that driving around them crazy fast and pointing at the oncoming train is the proper course of action. This is advanced stupid and they should be squished.  But they never are... which honestly makes me think God likes to mess with smart people.

Step 5: Stupid for the Highly Gifted. It’s in this one that you die.  The Darwin awards are based around this kind of stupid.  In case you were not aware of the Darwin awards, here is a link: http://www.darwinawards.com/  . It is GREAT fun and a nice way to feel evolutionarily superior in comparison to our fellow humans.  Stupid for the highly gifted is also the kind of stupid that frequently makes the news.  I don’t know about you guys, but my local news has a story almost every night about someone dying because they were doing something they just plain should not have even tried: climbing a construction crane drunk, running across the interstate, deciding to have a reality TV moment with your baby-daddy other baby-mama.  Now, I am not saying that death is funny, what I am saying is that if the company you keep engages in situations in which one may die, this is a special kind of stupid and should be avoided.  You need to get better friends. 

Step 6: Dealing with Stupid. Now, I would first like to refer you to a previous post, 5/7/12, which if you all will recall was based on not beating the living crap out of somebody. That is the first thing you need to remember because we like to stay out of jail. (Unless of course it is Canadian jail because we threw ourselves at Michael Shanks - THAT would be totally worth it!). Honestly there are two ways to handle stupid a) “Ignore” it (and by ignore it, I mean log it into your memory bank for later blogs) and b) use it.  Now, I could waste space telling you how to ignore stupid, which in short involves you imagining all stupid people are jesters there for your entertainment as you rule the country with an Iron Fist (I seem to have a thing with power, don’t I?) but, I won’t. Just keep going and don’t get depressed just yet and turn to the wine. 

Step 7: Using Stupid. This is my favorite past-time.  The best part about stupid people is the fact that they will fall for anything. Anything.  We can use the stupid dishonestly (i.e. slipping in coupons for $1 off of 2 when you are getting the 2 on buy one get one free) or fast talking the police that stop you for a speeding ticket (crying, ranting about your children, your mother, how some guy in a truck flew buy you and just totally confusing them) or just plain getting other people to do your work for you (i.e. claiming that even though you have a REAL master’s degree and not one of those fake ones, you cannot figure out how to fill out a simple form).  If we’ve gotta live with it then we might as well take advantage of it, right? 

Step 8: Stupid and it’s place in Sarcasm. Now, for those of you who are just annoyed by stupid, see it as an “impediment” to life, I would like to note the beneficial correlation between stupid and sarcasm. First, and obviously, stupid people generally do not understand sarcasm, and watching them try figure out what you really meant or laughing at the wrong time because they didn’t get it in and of itself is amusing. But however, we all forget that without stupid people we wouldn't have inspiration for sarcasm in the first place, right? Personally, I just carry around my iPhone and keep a voice memo ongoing for when I get stupid people inspiration.

Step 9: Hope for the future. There’s none.  Between the government (I mean, come on, regardless of how you vote do any of you have any idea what in the hell either political party here in the US really stands for anymore?) and the entire state of New Jersey (At least according to TV - But come on - my sister-in-law comes from there and she is the nicest person ever, so TV can’t be right, can they!? Please say no...) and the fact that bureaucrats have taken over our schools (Both at home and abroad) to the point where teachers (Who, guess what? actually KNOW what they are doing) are not allowed to teach anymore, we’re kinda screwed.  Unless, you know, we start that Revolution thingy I talked about some posts ago.  If not, I suggest you watch the film Idiocracy to prepare yourself.  Oh and try to buy Detroit. I keep looking for it to go up for sale on Ebay so my friends and I can buy it and create our own country ;p where stupid people are only allowed in for entertainment purposes. 

Step 10: Drink wine (Spanish of course).  Because in general, people are just freakin STUPID.  It’s just better to stay slightly buzzed. Dull the pain, ya know? 

Blog Bonus!! 

Dialog of stupid.... this edition brought to you by HardCore Pawn

Dialog 1: 

“I didn’t get no gold card!!” - customer

“Yes you did” - Ashley

“No I didn’t” - customer

“Yes you did” - Ashley

“No I didn’t” - customer

“Yes you did” - Ashley

“No I didn’t” - customer

Mature huh? 

Dialog 2: 

“Ma’am, we don’t buy printers out of the box.” - employee

“Well, ya gonna buy this printer!!” - customer

“Ma’am, it is policy, we can’t buy it.” - employee

“What, you don’t think it works?” - customer

Man signaling security as women rants incoherently. 

“Who you callin’!?! Who you callin’!?! I don’t care who you call; you can call him, you can call the president!” - customer

Because Obama doesn’t have enough to do...

Dialog 3

“I came to the pawn shop because I got divorced and I pawned my wedding ring.” - customer

“What brings you in today?” - employee

“Well, I need to get it out of pawn because I don’t want to lose my wedding ring.” - customer

(Ok.....) 

“And I need to pee” - customer

“Ma’am we don’t have a public bathroom.” - employee

“What you mean we don’t have a public bathroom?? Imma gonna cop a squat outside!!”  - customer

I hope you have enjoyed this edition of REALLY THIS IS WHAT AMERICAN TV IS?!?!?!

XOXO Bri 

How to Learn a Foreign Language

How to Learn a Foreign Language

Subtitle: Your choices are Spanish or Chinese my friends.  Because that is the future. Don’t believe me? Watch Joss Whedon’s “Firefly” 

Step 1: Select your language.  Doesn’t this sound familiar? (Search old posts if not). While it seems fun to choose a nice unique language such as Hungarian or Swahili, they’re pretty much useless.  There are over a billion Chinese, and even though they have reproduction rules (I know, right, they’re brilliant!!) if they each only produced one offspring that would be two billion Chinese (stop over thinking this with death rates and the fact it takes two people to make a baby, you get my drift).  And, Hispanics are Catholic, and they are pretty much told by the church to just keep breeding.  Ergo, us English speakers are VASTLY outnumbered.  If you can’t beat em, join em. So, just flip a coin; heads Spanish and tails Chinese.  See, problem solved.  

Step 2:  Know your learning style.  This is IMPERATIVE to learning anything.  I could, and trust me as an educator I could, lecture you on the different ways to determine exactly what type of learner you are but let’s simplify this with a flow chart. 

Do you like to watch shit ?  ...... Then you are a VISUAL learner. 

Do you like to listen to shit? ..... Then you are an AUDITORY learner. 

Do you like to touch shit? ..... Then you are a TACTILE learner.  

Really, that sums it up.  I like to look at what I am doing, so I am visual.  It’s that simple.  Now, let’s look at learning approaches based on your category.  

Step 3: Learning Foreign Languages for the Visual Learner.  You will need three books.  Yes, books, we went over this in a previous posting.  Paper, bound, sold at that giant coffee shop.  Good, you remember. Here are the three books you need: 

1. Spanish/Chinese NOW!! with CD (buy used from Amazon, they are like $.01)
2. A whateverthehelllangaugeyoupicked to English dictionary
3. The filthiest book in said language you can find 

Here is what you will do: You will work through the lessons in the NOW!! book, checking your answers in the back like a good student and listening to the CD when told.  Then, when you get bored and ask yourself ‘Why in the hell am I doing this?’ you pull out the dictionary and dirty book and start translating that.  That will tell you why.  They have far fewer taboos than we do (Thanks Puritans for that one...) and just as the story gets really good you will suddenly realize that you need to know the correct verb tense to carry on and switch back to the textbook to learn said tense.  Amazing what a little motivation can do, isn’t it? 

Step 4: Learning Foreign Languages for the Auditory Learner.  You my friend, need a passport.  Like now.  Here is how you get one if you live in the USA: http://travel.state.gov/passport/passport_1738.html. Can my foreign readers tell me how to get one in your country? Honestly, I want to know, it is probably a heck of a lot easier than here.  And cheaper.  Hmmm... why haven’t I moved to Canada yet??? Hot men (one in particular...), much better TV, free health care, no food stamps.... Oh wait, it’s cold.  Bri don’t do cold.  Even for Michael Shanks. And I ADORE him. Anyway, as I was saying, you will need to completely submerse yourself in the culture.  Completely.  Just pack your bags and GO! You can come back home if it gets hairy, but you probably won’t want to.  Foreign wine is pretty damn good.  

Step 5: Learning Foreign Languages for the Tactile Learner.  Yeah, yeah, for you big-vocabularied folks don’t even go there. We will be keeping our hands to ourselves.  Sorta.  For the Tactile learner, I suggest computer games. Yes, you have to read and listen to things, you cannot avoid that, but websites like quia.com make it fun by letting you learn a language while playing hangman.  To an extent.  Look, I hate to burst your bubble here, but eventually you need to stop all this touchy BS and realize that you actually have to do some real work which involves reading, writing, listening and speaking. I mean, you had to read to get your driver’s license, right? You didn’t just go to the DMV and give the mean lady that hates her job a foot rub, did you? Oh, you did?That explains a lot....

Step 6: Drill your language.  Repetition is the best teacher, because regardless of your learning style, you will need to repeat.  Drill your language. Repetition is the best teacher, because regardless of your learning style, you will need to repeat. Drill your language. Repetition is the best teacher, because regardless of your learning style, you will need to repeat. Drill your language. Repetition is the best teacher, because regardless of your learning style, you will need to repeat. Drill your..... see, you started to repeat that step out loud, didn’t you? Eureka! It works!

Step 7: Learn slang.  No, really, if you hope to ever do more than speak on a Dora the Explorer level, you need to learn this.  And learn the dirty words first!!! And the swear words!! This is not because they are like 250% more fun than anything else ever, which they are, it is because you do not want to get yanked out of a pool by your hair by your godmother because when you thought you were yelling “Hey Girl!” what you were really yelling was“Hey F$*%ER!” and had every single Mexican in said public pool in Texas look at you angrily.  This is something we would like to avoid, both the accidental swearing and the hair pulling.  Learn slang, it could save your roots.  

Step 8: Practice your language.  Now, I do realize that the passport and kicking you out of the USA might be a little much, and considering this economy you may be also paying for those education classes I suggested you take.  In that case, there are three excellent forums for practicing your language.  

1. Ethnic restaurants.  Go to ANY Chinese or Hispanic Restaurant.  Simple say “Ni-Hao” or “Hola.”  After that, there will be no more English spoken for the REST of your meal. 
2. TV.  Foreign TV is SOOOO much better than our TV in that is makes no damn sense most of the time, in the best possible way.  I used to watch a Spanish hospital drama in which one of the attending surgeons was a chimp.  I am not even trying to be funny, these people were dead serious letting this chimp make life or death decisions.  These programs force you to use your language if not for any other reason than to make sure you heard it correctly when the hot nurse called the other a slut for stealing the chimp from her.  
3. Music.  Thanks to the way music itself is composed and how good it is for the brain, learning the lyrics to your favorite foreign song, translating them, and then singing along helps with pronunciation. If you can sing.  If you can’t, forget I mentioned this, ok? Best for all of us.  

Step 9: Brag about your language.  On Facebook, on Twitter, on every damn homeschool website and list serv to make people think that you actually freakin speak Spanish when in reality I hear you talking to your kid in public and you really sound like Peggy Hill!!!! (My Athena! Blogging can be so cathartic ;) ) I hope you know that I am kidding, because while you should be proud of yourself, stop being an asshat. Some people don’t have time to take up new things, and you need to shut up and leave them be. Just be happy, inside, that you are smarter than everyone else.  That should be enough.  

Step 10: Reward time right??? You’ve made it to step 10 and you probably went and got the bottle of Spanish wine back at step 8, but let’s change it up a bit.  Let’s go for beer.  Yeah, I drink beer too, you got a problem with that? I recommend Dos Equis for you Spanish students and sorry, I know it is cliche, but I really like TsingTao beer for a Chinese selection. Bottoms up! Oh, and did you order that in English? You’d better not!!

How to Homeschool

How to Homeschool

Subtitle: Person who discovers I homeschool:  “Wow, you homeschool? I couldn’t do that...” 

Me: “Dude, I can’t either” 

Step 1: Know why you are homeschooling. It is a personal choice, but for me? I’m going to make this simple.  I am a teacher. I have been a teacher my entire adult life.  I will probably be a teacher until I die.  I know what I am doing.  In fact, MOST teachers know what they are doing.  So, parents, would you be so kind as to inform the government of this fact.  The day that people have that have never step foot inside a classroom stop telling people who have dedicated their entire lives to educating children how to do their job, I will happily trot my children back to the school system.  Until then, I’ve got this covered.   

Step 2: Pick your curriculum.  Believe it or not there are literally hundreds of different ways to homeschool your child, methods, boxed curriculum, writing your own lessons from the SOL tests (SOL actually does not mean S*$t outta luck here, although it should; they are stupid jeopardy-like standardized tests here in VA), etc.  You will need to shop around and see what is best for you. For you. Not that one know it all in your support group.  Just don’t smack her (See my post on 5/7/12).

Step 3: Send in your NOI. Here in the South that means your “Notice of Intent.” All it needs to say is “I will be homeschooling my kids X,Y, & Z this year and they are in grades A,B, & C.” It does NOT need to say “I actually want my kid to learn how to function in the real world and not just be skilled at TV trivia games shows and bubbling in small circles.” Or something of this like.  Simple is good here. 

Step 4: Map out your year.  You NEED a plan.  Trust me.  You need a start date, a finish date, and how far you want to get. And holidays.  I mean, there is a joke that homeschoolers don’t get snow days, etc.  Eh, I give ‘em snow days.  Counts as PE right? 

Step 5: Figure out who teaches what. Ok, so you are probably asking how in the world I do this AND teach full-time.  We tag team between myself, my husband and my mom.  It is GREAT.  My husband has a history degree (yeah, I know, I do too but I just end up going all Daniel Jackson on them and then I start to gush about certain cute celebs and it just goes nowhere, so I let hubby do it) so he’s got that, my mom has a science degree so she covers that and I do math and reading.  We do it all at times that fit around our jobs and it gives the kids multiple teachers. For electives, we take them to homeschool groups. Yeah, with OTHER KIDS.... OOOO.... EVIL.... I LET THEM SEE OTHER PEOPLE.... ;-)

Step 6: Be creative. Homeschooling is not just worksheets, it is field trips, life experiences and hands on learning.  You also might have to teach a bit unconventionally.  For example, my sister is a homeschooled rising senior and I am her math teacher (ok, so I lied about that math thing in an earlier post - sue me). Anyway, before you think I am a bad person for the conversation that follows, she is my SISTER and she is almost an adult: 

Bri: Reading from a textbook: You know that squaring a number and taking the square root of a number are inverse operations.  But how would you evaluate an expression that contains a fractional exponent? 

Mary: Excuse me, what? 

Bri: Sometimes b&*ches have fractions.

Mary: Oh

Bri: And yet that is what made sense to you.  

Think my method is unusual? Well, you should have seen her bust out those radical expressions.  I’m that good... 

Step 7: Socialization. Eep!! It is the buzzword of homeschooling. “Are you worried about socialization?” Uh, no, have you met my kids? They would talk to a wall if they thought the wall would provide worthwhile conversation.  Have you met Hot Roommate? He talks more than me and he’s not even Southern. In fact, as I have mentioned, we Southerns will talk to anyone at anytime, so homeschooling for me is a no brainer. It just means that are actually quiet in class for once.  

Step 8: PE. The second criticism that you will get is what about extracurriculars activities and PE. “Do your kids just stay in the house all day?” Yep, that is EXACTLY what they do.  In fact, they have heavy iron shackles that they wear so that they remain seated when they are not translating he Bible from Ancient Greek to English.  Come on, really? Besides the fact that PE was just invented to make the school day longer and because we have become a country of porkers, my kids get something a lot of schools are cutting out.  They get to PLAY OUTSIDE. What a novel idea!!! AND they still play ball, do yoga and the other things after school hours like every other kid.  

Step 9: Don’t take criticism to heart.  Really, we all worry too darn much about what others think. And the best part is that most of your critics will act like they are suddenly experts in education, overnight, even though they have never interacted with children before other than seeing your when they come over to dinner.  I AM an education professional.  You are just fine.  And if you are really worried, message me/tweet me. It’s cool - I will answer questions about this! 

Step 10:  The wine. Oh lordy you will need it.  I teach all day other peoples kids and mine at night or in between. It is insanity. Once those little boogers are konked in bed I am poised and ready to go, Vino Tinto in mano and Mr. Canadian Hot Pants on the TV.  Because everyone needs an outlet.  I just have two...

How to Finish Out the School Year

How to Finish Out the School Year

Subtitle: ;sdfjknw;eoirtjawe[ nae’j saioja ojfis’fi w, What, you want final grades by when? aoifj moj am[pjap, What do you mean there is testing in my classroom and we have to move to the gym for a week? oj[mrar[ em[j, Mrs. Who? Oh, you’re the mom I have been trying to call all year, nice to hear from you in May.....

Step 1: Realize that the year will end.  It ends, I promise.  If you don’t believe me, go get your contract, they have to put a date on there.  See?? A real date.  Little better right? No stop, don’t go look at the calendar just yet!!! Stop counting boxes!!! Don’t give me that look; this is ONLY step 1.  Just mark that last day, ok?

Step 2:  NOW you can count the days unless you have worked yourself up into a complete dither as to how many days you have left.  We count the days now because you are going to figure out what days count, and that is not all of them. A day only counts if you are standing in front of the children teaching.  If you never stand in front of the children and teach, you are not a teacher, you are a babysitter, and you need to leave my blog.  People like you make my job harder next year.  Go get a job at a daycare.  Ok, sorry, real teacher rant, but back to my point, on your little calendar, list of days, whatever, here are the days you can cross out that do not count.  Here is a chart to help you (with some alternate activities):

Day that doesn’t count	Alternate Activity
You are asked to move from your classroom to the gym, cafeteria, etc.	Take the kids outside and play.  Why? Because they are KIDS - our stupid government seems to have forgotten that.  Let them play, even the 18 year olds will play kickball.
Testing has made first period last period, lunch at 8 am, third first first period and the children are wandering the halls lost.	Star Wars!! See, the entire saga itself is, in its shortest form,16 hours and even though most kids have seen it it is like kid crack. As soon as they enter your room and see it playing, they will sit down, silent and memorized.  At any age.  Trust me, it works, I’ve tried it.  *Warning - random children might walk in and sit down as well. Make sure you ID these children quickly *
Field Trip day, and it doesn’t matter if it is your field trip or someone else’s, if 1/2 of your kids are going to be gone, it is not a day.	Now, here is where your true prowess as a teacher can shine.  I used these days to play “Dead Poet’s Society” where I would sit on my desk and talk to my students.  THEY thought we were doing nothing, but   in reality I was talking about how learning is cool and relating everything we are talking about socially back to the class.  Former students think I didn’t do that? Uh huh... let’s think about those facebook messages you send me where you are in your college classes and remember something I said in conversation. Yeah, I thought so...
Your exam/major test day	The only day you should be sitting at your desk.  Period. And don’t count this day.

Step 3: Now count everything not crossed out. THOSE are the days you have left.  SOO much better right? Take a deep breath, do some yoga positions, and recognize that there is not much left. Ok, yes, there may be many more days than you had wanted to see originally, but we can make it, we can. Now we are going to outline some coping strategies now if you can hang with me.  Still not ok? Go ahead, get the Spanish wine.  But just one glass ok, ONE GLASS!! We need to be coherent for _____ days longer.  (Fill in blank with ## discovered in Step 2). 

Step 4: Create your support system.  You will need someone available 24 hours a day, so if your spouse/partner/significant other works you will need to have support in shifts.  These people need to be able to handle everything from a small pep talk to overcoming a slight headache to a complete and total nervous breakdown. Support can be anything, from someone to grade papers to just give you a hug.  Even virtually.  I had a small nervous breakdown the other day and went down my system, hubby was at work, mom was not answering the phone, best friend A at work teaching and probably enduring his own mental breakdown, best friend B different time zone and not up yet and thinks I am insane for becoming a teacher... so I resorted to the internet.  And Michael Shanks. (Of course) He virtually hugged me.  No lie.  Was INSANELY SWEET.  But he refused to grade my papers.  Oh well. I’m sill madly in love with him. Maybe I can convince him to grade later...

Step 5: Have a release.  Personally, I like a physical release. Stop. Right there. I am a runner sicko. An iPod and mileage are the best way to release.  If you are teaching in a school, run during your planning period or right after you are done with you afternoon duties.  I teach online, so I use my lunch hour and eat afterwards.  A mile is good, two is better, three is bliss. Absolute bliss.  Because at a rate of 8-10 minutes per mile 3 miles allows you 24-30 minutes of Stargate fantasies, just you and Daniel, in the lab.... I mean, you sweat good, your heart rate is up and you feel great, wait, dammit,  let’s just go to Step 6...

Step 6:  Food.  Don’t let yourself slide here my friends, because you need to be eating, a lot and well, but you cannot forget that bathing suit season is RIGHT AFTER you put those little darlings on the bus.  So stop with the chinese take-out, even though there are 1001 reasons why after trying to control those sun drugged hooligans all day, enduring meeting after meeting about tests that the people who have never set foot in a classroom have created, or sitting outside of the bathroom trying not to gag on the scent of feces and cigarette smoke, that you do not want to cook.  Which is fine.  Just order salad. And coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. Real coffee, not that decaf mess.  I still don’t understand  that decaf mess, I mean, who drinks decaf, Jack (hot roommate - remember?), honey, can you get me another cup, yes I know it’s 3 am, I have seventeen more AP essays to grade, yes, brew an entire pot, I mean really, decaf, what in the hell....

Step 7: Ok, I finished grading at 5 am and am up at 8 so let’s forget step 7. Can someone forward this to Michael Shanks? Please? He has GOT to need a personal assistant.  Are you reading handsome? I am more than willing to come and assist you as needed to get out of grading these freakin’ papers. I clean and do laundry. I can also cook some MEAN Mexican food, but I know how they starve actors, so I am pretty creative with veggies as well. I am also Type-A personality, so I can keep you completely organized and even run lines at all hours since I am awake anyway grading damn papers. I’m preconditioned!  See, perfect, it’s a win win for everyone! (My email can be reached by commenting on the blog (hint hint). 

Step 8: The AP exam is over!! WHY DO I KEEP GIVING THESE CHILDREN WORK!?!? Oh, wait, it’s policy. Damn policy.  Back to step 8, which is, if you can, stop giving the children work.  Use this time of the year, post idiotic testing, to do what teachers did before politicians got into education:  TEACH.  Yes, that thing you went to school to learn how to do.  I teach dancing, cooking, culture, all of the fun stuff.  And don’t think you can’t because you can.  Your principal at this point is just waiting for scores to come back and is paying you no mind.  

Step 9:  Enjoy the little things. At the end of the year, the little boogers actually bring you things.  I might teach online, but I still have to visits schools face to face a few times a year and my kids bought me flowers, had a little dessert party and drew me pictures.  You better believe those flowers were on my desk until they died and those pictures are hanging on my wall.  Enjoying these little things takes your mind off how bad you want to choke them as they line up at the door to leave 15 minutes before the bell rings, and as we have discussed before, avoiding jail is always a bonus.  

Step 10:  Book a trip to Disney.  You thought I was going to say Spanish Wine, didn’t you? I am, just in a different location. Book a trip to Disney World with your best friend and make sure that your family and his/her family have adjoining rooms.  Turn in that final grade sheet, lock your classroom, get in the car in go.  Don’t worry yourself with the wine, there will be plenty down there, I promise (after all, it is a family theme park and they need something for the parents to do to calm there nerves after 10 hours of Mickey Madness).  Get to your hotel, check in, hug your best friend and head to the local wine shop.  You’ve got some relaxing to do.  Because your kids are going to wake you up at 6 a.m. to go to the park.  Dammit....