How to Know When You are Being Hit On

How to Know When You are Being Hit On

Subtitle: Come on people, I can’t believe that I am actually having to write this...

71 days left. That’s not a lot of time to use this advice, but it’s worth a try. 

Step 1: Understand you can be hit on anywhere. ANYWHERE. I mean anywhere.  See, I had sadly forgotten this post college when I had Adorable Nerd and Fashionista in Training and became Bri the Beluga Eyeore, but since my #ChangeYourStars transformation, I have been reintroduced to the wide world of “Dude, did you just say that?” It can happen in the grocery store (really hun, NO ONE is that stupid about banana selection), it can happen at a kid’s birthday party (and your WIFE is RIGHT THERE), it can happen on a school visit (I am wearing the ugliest VVa shirt know to man and this teacher just told me I am very beautiful). So be prepared for it, because, as my Girl Scouts know, you can never be too prepared. 

Step 2: Learn body language.  Now, personally, I find this step to be the hardest, mostly because I’m not one for subtleties; I’m the kind of person that thinks the middle finger is part of normal speech. But apparently, whether we are talking about men or women, there is an entire list of things that look like one thing but mean another.  So, since ya love em so much, I made ya a small chart of some basics: 

Physical Tell	When Men do it	When Women do it	When BRI does it (for clarification)
Stand really close	Excuse to be close, peep down shirt and possibly bump you	Want to smell you, sniff you and all sorts of good stuff.	You are either in my way or won’t move OR I am just really not paying attention.
Touches your arm	He is trying to make sure you saw that dude cut that zombies head off	Sign of affection, a caring gesture, may or may not be romantic	I am trying to get your attention. Look at me. Are you listening to me?
Kisses your cheek	He cares about you. Or is gay. Probably #2.	Depends...we are a fickle beast. Best to let you guys wonder on this one.	Me, I hug and kiss EVERYONE. No, seriously, I do, not just Mr. Canadian Hot Pants but EVERYONE.
Flip of the Hair	He is a surfer or gay. Seriously, if you have not figured it out, dudes are pretty blunt or clueless	She is trying to get your attention to notice her hair, the curve of her neck or a cute piercing.	Goddamn hair in my damn face; where’s my hairtie????

Step 3: The pick-up line. Fortunately, the internet has helped teach most of us the world’s best and worst so we can spot them accordingly. Here are a few notable ones: 

a) I made you come with one finger, think what I could do with them all. This shouldn’t    need explaining, but you’ve got to give a guy credit for trying. 

1. Hey baby you won? Won what? A dance with ________ (me, my friend,etc.). Ok, this one is kinda cute and clever, but unless your name is Michael Shanks, I am not considering you my prize! 
2. Being with a girl with a tongue ring is on my bucket list. Fantastic, take your dog down to Lucky 13, I’m sure they can hook you up. 
3. Did an angel just fall from the sky? Awww...I’m don’t believe in that and I prefer vampires, but thanks for playing. 

Step 4: The double meaning. Let’s be honest, I think one of the reasons that I’m so madly in love with Daniel Jackson is that the poor man is just so oblivious and more than anything I enjoy writing him oblivious with Addy (if you are lost CLICK HERE). But I think I really love him because I am oblivious. Case in point, this year for the Renaissance Faire I was both elated and saddened that my Tavern Wench dress no longer fit (too big - by a LOT) and in a panic I went to the flea market to try to get something close (because it’s not as if the mall’s got a Medieval Clothes R Us or anything).  There wasn’t a wide selection there either, but I did manage to find a black fake leather dress that looked like something I had seen on a movie. So I wore it, even though it was 95 degrees and I was slowly melting away. Now, we hadn’t been there that long when the comments started: “Wow, you look so hot in there,” “That must be really hot,” “Can I ask you if you are comfortable,” etc. and I had to explain to everyone that I was fine, which after a while, I was. However, at about the 15th comment, Hot Roommate pulls me aside, infuriated, fussing at me for flirting. Apparently, I hadn’t noticed that all of theses “concerned citizens” were men, who had, in their deep concern, touched my dress to see the material and evidently were gawking at me as I talked. Brushing that moron I married off, I stormed over to talk to a mutual male friend. 

Friend: He finally done with it? 

Me: Done with what? 

Friend: Uh, every man in this fair using your dress as an excuse to come gawk at you. 

Me: *Facepalm* 

Step 5: Recognizing a date. Ladies this is for you, well, mostly. If a guy takes you ANYWHERE and he or his mother DRIVES at all, THAT is a date. Even if you are with a larger group. Even if the movie he picks is really a buddy flick and nothing that will make you cry on his shoulder or jump in his lap in fright.  Pretty much to a man, it’s a date if you sit beside him, acknowledge his presence and he doesn’t mention another girl. Keep that in mind ladies, lest you are surprised by the random kiss exiting the theatre. Ok for you gentleman, here’s the skinny, we will think it is a date if you complete ALL of the following: 

1. Pick us up
2. Open ALL doors
3. Pay for the meal
4. Take us to an activity we like
5. Ask us to talk about ourselves
6. Tell us we are pretty
7. Offer to do something nice for us at a later date

And even if you complete A-G, that doesn’t mean you’re getting any. Unless of course you’re “You Know Who” in which case you had me at A. 

Step 6: Recognizing the more obvious. Like a kiss, like the kiss from above. Not a cheek kiss, well not always, we went over that in Step 2, but if you’re sitting your happily little self on the sofa at a frat party (seriously, why does everything seem to go down at these things) and dude or chic comes over and just kisses you then THEY ARE INTERESTED. There is no rationalizing your way with this, they’re interested, even if it is just for the night. Ya hear me. Kiss. Them. Back. Unless they’re fugly. In that case, just run. 

Step 7: Really, how was that not obvious? I have a friend. He travels a lot for work. A lot. He went out of town for a business trip. Ate dinner alone at the hotel restaurant the night he arrived. Met a couple. Hit it off. Exchanged phone numbers. They texted him all day long the next day, while he was WORKING and in MEETINGS asking him back to dinner. All day. Like even we he said that he was really busy. And kept doing it.  Until he gave in. Wanted to meet in hotel bar. Which he did. Then they wanted to go back to their room after they ate, for drinks. And my friend WENT. And left nearly screaming a few moments later. Moral of the story: Bri can’t fix everyone. 

Step 8: The internet. Now, this can be a little more difficult my friends, because we miss that all important body language from step 2 and even worse when you consider TWO things: One - people lose all filters on the internet, I know I do and Two - everyone is on twitter. For real. True story. Student of mine went on a college visit. Got hot tour guide. Goes home and tweets about how hot he is and other things that, well, I would tweet about ;P.  Few hours later gets a tweet back. “Thanks” From him. So, just make sure if you’re going to do internet flirting, be really obvious and blunt. 

@ladiosabri : I WANT TO KISS YOU MICHAEL SHANKS EVEN THOUGH HOT ROOMMATE WILL KILL ME!!

See? Like that. Obvious.

Step 9: Dearest Hot Roommate. I would like to outline to your high cluelessness my attempted hitting on you in college that you DID NOT GET in the hopes that you will better educate our son. 

1. When a girl kidnaps you in her van (named the Porn Star) from the sidewalk to go to a play - she is hitting on you. 
2. When a girl sits by you during Deliverance and hides in your lap during the “squeal like a pig scene” - she is hitting on you.
3. When a girl takes care of you after you passed out sick in your suite shower after drinking too much Mudslide - she is hitting on you. 
4. When a girl CALLS you to whine after EVERY break up and points out how SWEET you are - she is hitting on you.
5. When a girl KISSES you on the stoop of your dorm after we all start talking about regrets....wait, you GOT that one..just took you THREE years...stupid man....

Step 10: Can I buy you a drink? No, seriously Shanks, I would like to buy you a drink. Yes, I AM hitting on you. Yes, I KNOW you are married. Happily. So am I.  So, let’s make a deal. I’ll play Addy. You play Daniel. Then it’s “acting.” So handsome, what’ll it be, red or white??

How to Treat your Man/Woman

How to Care for your Man/Woman

Subtitle: Stop watching Romantic Comedies.  Here is the hard core truth.  Trust me, I’ve been married for a while. 

Step 1: Find a man or a woman.  In order to have someone to treat well, or to be treated well by, you have to find someone.  Because you absolutely cannot live without a significant other. At all. In fact, it is quite literally impossible for you to survive on your own so you need to do whatever it takes, scour bars, do 1-900 party lines, beg friends to set you up with someone, anyone, go to cheesy singles events, well, you get the idea. Point is... YOU NEED TO FIND A MAN (or woman...) 

Step 2: LIE to your man (or woman). They don’t want you for who you are.  Chances are, they want you because you are good looking enough to sleep with or you have money. For the initial hello, not much else really matters.  So as you chat, just keep lying.  Hell, tell them you were asked to attend the FBI academy but turned it down.  Tell them that you are a black belt in some crazy martial art that they have never heard of so they will not check in to to see if it is real.  Tell them that you can do the splits.  ;) Just lie your ass off.  Oh and remember to stick to your lie.  Once you have told your lie you will need to keep track of your lies.  Keep a note on Siri, she’s helpful like that.  

Step 3: Oh, and while you’re at it, keep talking. Talk and talk and talk and talk. Relate everything to yourself because, I mean, that’s why they are here, right, to talk about you. Talk about every pet you have ever owned, each and every bizarre medical condition you have and about the strange relationship that you have with your mother.   And don’t forget that everything they have ever done or accomplished, you have done it too and done it better. And probably more often. Which brings us to step 4. 

Step 4: Pick your poison.  In a real relationship there is no such thing as working together. Equality is a myth of the modern media. Do you ever see woman on TV with wrinkles? How about men? Yeah, thought so.  Back to relationships,  one of you need to be the dominant partner and the other is the submissive.  That’s just the way it is.  And it is not always the man as the dominant and the woman as the submissive, in fact some guys get off on the reverse. With whips. And chains.  No one will think less of you whichever you pick, but just pick one so you can move onto into your plan for a perfect relationship.  

Step 5: I pick dominant!  B$&ch get ready to roll.  You need to make sure that your man (woman) is there to cater to your each and every need whether that be rub your feet, clean your toilet, pay your bills or bail you out of jail.  Remind them each and every moment that they would be nothing without you and that they need you in every way imaginable.  If they don’t believe you, add that you chose them because no one else wanted them, so even if they leave, they can’t get anyone else, much less that non-existent better.  

Step 6: I choose submissive.... I mean...if that’s ok... Alright my dear, you will need to change everything about yourself for your man/your woman. Change your life completely to match what your man or woman wants. Stop seeing your friends, stop seeing your family, stop your hobbies, etc.  You need to do exactly what they say, when they say it, and be who they want regardless of what you did in steps 2 or 3.  Because, you want to keep them, right? If you don’t they are never going to want you and no one else ever will for that matter so just stop your damn crying and get up and make dinner right now. And bring me a beer!  And if your best friend calls this house one more time you’re out!!!

Step 7: Special occasions.  Now, remember, you really don’t love someone unless you spend insane amounts of money on them that you don’t have just to keep their affections.  And a trip to Chicago to meet the man of your dreams (do I really need to write his name anymore people...but that gets me hits....hmmmm... I love Michael Shanks - look I got him in this one too, even though he is not mine.... yet...) doesn’t cut it.  We need diamonds.  Rubies. Emeralds.  F-250’s. Seasons tickets to the Lakers. (Or the Canucks xoxox Shanks again). Trips to Paris. Can’t afford it?  I would like to introduce you to my friend Visa.  She is there when you need her the most.  (Or is that Mastercard???)

Step 8: Now post every intimate detail of your entire relationship on Facebook.  Be sure to pick the status that best represents what you are right now, whether it be complicated, in an open relationship, in a hidden relationship because he is still trying to figure out how to tell his wife that he has another woman or at least that is what he is telling you when he comes over at 2 a.m.  And make EVERY single status about your man, what he bought you, what he made you for dinner, how much you love him/her, what color shirt he is wearing, how he still hasn’t called today, how you want other people to butt out of your personal life that you broadcast all over the internet.  Remember, Facebook was created to share just this kind of information, so please, be detailed. 

Step 9:  Don’t believe the hatas. People gonna be jealous and b*%ches gonna hate.  They gonna call you and tell you that they saw your man at Wal-mart walking around the electronics department with some ho and then send you a picture of them that was clearly photoshopped with their Boost Mobile Blackberry or that sow that called claiming that she your man’s baby mama and he’d better start coughing up some paper or else she’s gonna call the 5-0.  Thems hatas. They gonna make you wanna take your earrings off.  Ignore them.  Get pregnant immediately.  

Step 10.  Spend every waking moment with your man..... Gotcha.  I hope you figured out around step 3 that I started in with the Spanish wine at step 1. It was that kinda day.  Go ahead, get yourself a glass and start back at the beginning.  It’s funnier the second time around.  And if you were looking for serious advice, again, reread. And do the COMPLETE opposite of every step.  

How to Survive a Playdate

How to Survive a Play Date

Subtitle - For some asinine reason you have to now be friends with the parents of the kids your kids know and they are 99% of the time ape-shit crazy.

Step 1: What in the hell is a Play Date you may ask? A play date is just what the title implies, it is a date to play.  Yes, and I want someone to research this and get back to me, but in the 21st century kids don’t just go over one another’s houses any more to play.  Their parents come along.  And you have to sit there. And entertain them too.  Wait, you might be asking, doesn’t that help you out? Aren’t they there to watch their own kid so your kid can play AND you don’t have to worry about yelling at another kid? No, they’re not. They STILL don’t. They would rather sit and gossip to you about every other mother in your kid’s class, every other woman in the neighborhood, or any other woman you might possibly have dirt on while their little brat rips around you house.  Note I say women. This is because men are smart enough not to agree to this. 

Step 2: Now that you know what a play date is, how do you arrange one? Let’s begin with how NOT book a play date.  Do NOT buy play date cards. What’s a play date card? Google it, because I don’t want to get sued by putting a link to one here.  I’ll wait; I’ve got a shirtless pic of Michael Shanks on my desktop to stare at while I wait.  Found them, didn’t you? Yeah, they are for real. No, this is not Victorian England; I think that anything on HBO is proof of that.  Insane, right? Don’t do that.  Instead, in an effort to try to normalize this ridiculous trend, try a good old fashioned hand-shake and “Are you and your kids free this Saturday?” Since you are asking like humans used to do before technology, you might actually get a normal person, since the neo-yuppie-parenting magazine- show-offs will not understand something that did not come from their iPhone. (Not that I don’t love iPhones - Siri and I are TIGHT, not like that, ugh, stop.) 

Step 3:  You’ve gotten someone to agree to come over.  Someone who knows how to speak to another human being. Excellent.  Now you must prepare.  

HIDE EVERYTHING OF VALUE!!!!!

Now, first, obviously, you have never had this little demon in your house.  Granted they could be the nicest child on the planet, but they could also could be the incarnate of Lucifer himself.  You don’t want anything broken and if you are like me you also need to move your expensive antique furniture to your bedroom because while you might have trained your kids to not act like animals chances are you are the only one.  However, the  irony in all of this is that you also need to hide these things from the parent guest because they will start right in “complimenting” your home.  By “complimenting” I mean scrutinizing the hell out of it.  In my case, I get the “Awww... your house is so pretty, how can you afford it on a teacher’s salary.” This is where my posting on “How to not punch a $%@*@ in the $&@*!” comes into play (see Monday May 7th 2012). The best way to avoid this is to hide everything.  Scan your house, look for anything that might be a conversation piece and HIDE IT.  That way, you don’t need to keep your bail list handy.  

Step 4: Plan some kind of activity.  Again, this kills two birds with one stone.  First, you are occupying junior to an extent and saving your home from imminent destruction.  Second, you are keeping mom near junior, where hopefully she will be less likely to gossip in front of little ears.  Just don’t plan a craft. A craft, especially involving glue, glitter or paint defeats the entire purpose of planning an activity.  I suggest something that is simple but takes a really long time.  Something like frisbee or kickball.  That keeps everyone outside and wipes the little boogers out.  

Step 5: Have a back up plan. It might rain, in which case you need a good indoor activity.  For such an activity, I recommend a puzzle or a board game.  Here is why: since there are often small pieces and complicated rules you will need to help your child play and therefore you can avoid the above mentioned mommy conversation.  A puzzle or a game also keeps them confined to one room and helps avoid the TV conversation.  Again, for your newbies, this is the part of the parent conversation where your visitor now lectures you on everything that they allow their child to watch, do not allow their child to watch and try to persuade you to agree with them.  Whatever their reasons, they all come from the Puritan influence on our society, which will be a later co-post I am working on with a friend.  

Step 6: Food. Every play date involves snack time. THIS is where you can play your hand, a hand that will either give a signal to the parent that you want them back or can send them running.  Why? Because the judgment by the other parent continues!! You think they are only looking at your house, your activity choice, your television restrictions, but now they get to criticize your food.  We eat pretty healthy around here and I have been told that parents ‘feel sorry’ for my kids because they eat fruit and carrots for snacks.  Yeah, true story.  Breathe in, breathe out.  So, look, just do this, buy a box of those Capri Suns and get some Chex Mix.  Honestly, I have had very few people complain about this one because Capri Suns don’t have dyes and are lower in calories and Chex Mix is low fat and tastes good and the store bought kind does not have peanuts, so no allergy warnings.  And, it’s cheap. We don’t really want to spend money on this, do we? That is of course if you want them to come back.  If you don’t, simply serve the opposite of what they have been preaching this entire play date. Or buy Hershey bars.  Most people still think that sugar makes kids hyper, even though it has been disproven OVER AND OVER (proof: http://www.livestrong.com/article/496233-does-sugar-really-make-you-hyper/) but most people do not read anything that has big words. If you serve the Hershey Bars then the parent will hate you forever and never bring their brat back.  You might not even needs steps 7-10!!! (Well you always needs step 10, but we have learned what that is, haven’t we?) 

P.S. - Hershey Bars will work even if your neo-yuppie-parent magazine guest knows sugar does not make kids hyper because it is chocolate and chocolate has caffeine.  Need I say more? 

Step 7: The conversation.  Even if you have taken all of my steps above to heart, you will still need to interact, to an extent, with the other parent.  Again, the direction that you take depends on whether or not at this point you want this person(s) back in your home.  If you do, have at it and talk it up. Enjoy yourself and keep thinking that I was making all of this up and play dates are not so bad.  However, chances are that you are dying inside.  In which case, here is my advice.  Play crazy.  I am not kidding here.  And not institutional crazy, some of these crazies will call Child Protective Services on you, but bored mommy crazy. Hobby/obsession/fan crazy.  Bet you know what mine is...The minutes the words “I am in love with Daniel Jackson would you like to read my Stargate insert character fan fiction,” cross my lips, the play date might as well be over.  Now, I think there is nothing wrong with writing cheesy Mary Sue insert character fan fiction, especially since mine was all written late a night when my kids were asleep, my hubby was working, Primetime TV was sucking and I was bored and awake, but most people think that not only being a fan of something NOT trending on Twitter AND actually writing or doing something creative about it is insane. Completely insane.  AND most other parents think that the only women that like Science Fiction are either a) really boys or b) desperate fan-girls with no lives , so when me, normal mom with life mentions that I like it, the annoying moms go running.  Works every time.

Step 8: Ending the play date.  So soon, you think? At only step 8? Yes, we are through with this. Before the play date itself starts, have your out preplanned.  Make yourself sound sooooo busy, that you are trying sooooo hard to squeeze this play date in because our kids as friends in soooo important.  Makes yuppie mom feel good about herself, and she needs that. Lets you set limits and you need those more.  Come up with something concrete that you would never be able to get out of.  I like to use family members, i.e. my mom has this huge farm and I promised to help her when the farrier came, etc.  Then, as soon as you get annoyed by your caller, you can look at the clock, act shocked about the time and leap up, trying to frantically prepare for your second appointment.  Most people will take the hint and start to get their brat ready.  If not, just go tell your kids they have to say goodbye to their friend and start cleaning up.  After the clean-up, their little urchin will start whining that there is nothing to do now that the toys are away, and that should clue them in.  

Step 9: Unless the play date went spectacularly well, OR you invited someone over you actually like that just happens to have kids, you will need to sit down and explain to your own kids that Child X cannot come over to play again because they are an impudent hellion and their parent is certifiable without using those words.  Rather than give you an example here, I will give you a script.  “Honey, I hope you had fun today.  I was talking to _________ ‘s mommy today and everyone is so busy that it might be a long time before we can get together to play again, but we will try.”  Come on! It’s not lying!!  It’s called “Withholding the truth.”  We do that all of the time about sex with the kids and it is suddenly wrong here? Damn Puritans. Just do it, ok? Haven’t you learned to trust me yet?!

Step 10: You survived.... until next time.  Who the hell knows when this trend will end? I mean, today you have to do it for your seven year old, but if stupid parenting trends take this into the tween years, well I don’t know about you, but that might call for drastic measures over here.  I will start planning them now and keep you posted.  But for now, let’s not think about that, let’s pull out that Spanish wine and send your angel off to play by themselves.  And pull up that fan fic... because Daniel Jackson doesn’t have any damn kids... (Michael Shanks on the other hand does, which is why we are using Daniel here.  I wonder if he goes through this shit too? Hmmmmm....) 

How to be an Independent Woman

**Warning - some items in the blog may be offensive. Please remember, my purpose is comedy **

Carry on...

How to Be an Independent Woman

Subtitle: Sorry boys, but I need to talk about man-neediness

Step 1:  Get a mirror.  This in an important exercise in self recognition.  You need to know who you are dealing with before we begin.  Now, mirror in place, look deep into your own reflection and repeat the following mantras.  There are three on them, don’t skip any and do not skip ahead.  

Mantra 1: I am NOT Angelina Jolie. (Unless of course Angie if you are reading this in which case you are a goddess). This mantra is to bring you back to reality.  Angelina is PAID to look that good.  This does not mean that you are not beautiful, but you do not have a team of make-up people that make you look like that.  Accept reality. You may stop repeating this mantra once you accept reality. 

Mantra 2: I am NOT Freddy Krueger. Honey you are NOT ugly.  You are not Angie, but you are NOT ugly.  You deserve nice things and a nice life and a nice person.  You are beautiful inside and out.  Repeat until you clue the hell in.  

Mantra 3: I do not need a man. I do not need a man.  I do not need a man.  (Keep on going - this one may take a while) 

Step 2: Now that we have spent our time at the mirror, we need to discuss what exactly “man neediness” is.  By definition, “man neediness” is when every freakin waking thought is about a man in your life, a man that was in your life, wanting a man in your life, man, man, man, boo, hoo, woe is me, are we meant to be, do you think we will last, whine, cry, complain to the point that NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.  

Is this you? Then, by all means, please keep reading. If this is not you, keep reading anyway, you might be amused. 

Step 3:  Determine why you feel that you need this man.  I have constructed this handy chart to help you.  

Reason you think you need a man	Real reason you have this issue	Non-man alternative
He makes me happy.	I cannot occupy myself.	Get a puppy.
He does things for me.	I am lazy.	Get off of your butt and learn to change a tire.  It is really not that difficult.
He makes me feel pretty.	I think that chicks in magazines are not airbrushed and have not spent twice my annual salary on cosmetic surgery.	Book a boudoir photo session.  Pay to have someone take sexy pics of you. Put them on Facebook every freaking day so people will tell you how pretty you are since you apparently need to hear that every freaking day.
I am supposed to be married by now.	You watched too much TV as a child.	Stop watching TV.  That is not real.  You are not supposed to do anything in life but pay taxes and die.
Other people think I am pathetic.	Your daddy did not pay enough attention to you.	Go to old folks home. Find a daddy. You may not marry him.
This is a PG blog	This is a PG blog	www.google.com

Step 4: You do not need a man.  

Step 5: The Notebook, Sleepless in Seattle, Sweet Home Alabama (forgive this list I DO NOT watch these kinds of films, unless Michael Shanks does them, which he does not, so we are fine, see, I even managed to fit him into a blog about man neediness without discounting my own undying adoration for him. :-) ) Wait? Where was I? (Damn distracting Michael Shanks) Oh yeah, romance movies are not real. NOT real.  Men are men. They just are. Most of my friends are men.  They are not acting; that’s just the way they are.  Accept it and move on.  And stop watching those damn movies.  Science Fiction is much better. Start with Battlestar Galactica. It is like SciFi with a touch of romance. Might make a nice transition. 

Step 6: You do not need a man. Do not go into that bar.  Trust me, the man of your dreams is NOT there. Or on Craigslist.  Or an old boyfriend of Facebook.  Or on Twitter (Well mine is; but we are both taken). You do not need a man.

Step 7: Find SOMETHING else to do!! Anything! Because, really, if you have so much time to spend on whining about a man, I have got PLENTY you can do: laundry, dishes, child-rearing, homeschooling, pet-feeding, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, grading, grading, grading, did I mention grading, to even worry about the man that I have! If you have nothing else to do then you really have got to find a hobby or something.  I can make some suggestions.

Step 8: You do not need a man.  Stop asking me what I think about your man or lack thereof. I am super close to telling you. 

Step 9: A man will not make you happy. They do not care about your feelings. If you are unhappy in the first place you will just be unhappy with another person on the other side of the couch.  Find what makes you happy, because it is NOT a man.  Try that puppy.  Spanish wine. Cheesecake.  Martial Arts (then you can beat a man). Just NOT A MAN.  Not even a hot celeb on Twitter.  

Step 10: Fill in the blanks. Please.  For the love of all things holy and sacred if you cannot fill in the blanks at this point just go back to step one.  

        You do ________ need _____ ___________!!!!!!