How to Fantasize

How to Fantasize

My list of my top ten fantasy guys

Subtitle: To have fantasy does not mean that your life is bad. Mine is AWESOME. I just don’t brag about it because when I see you doing it I know you’re full of bullshit and trying too hard. I’ll stop being a bitch now. Daniel will help. He always does. 

10. Jonas Quinn - Before you start flipping out this is a countdown, not a count up, but I still wanted to start with a Stargate guy.  Look, you can get all crazy purist but I’ve heard Mr. Canadian Hot Pants’ answer to this. They were talking about canceling the show. Man had KIDS to FEED. Got another job. Didn’t cancel show. Hot Pants was occupied but could do part time for a season. THAT IS IT. I have heard it from his OWN mouth. So stuff it - Corin Nemec is HAWT and Jonas Quinn was ADORKABLE and the best part was that the writers decided to ignore that fact rather than throw women at him. Made him that much more innocent. That much cuter. Jonas, baby, I would RUIN YOU. 

9. Indiana Jones - Even now. For real, have you people LOOKED at Harrison Ford? Oh my Athena, there is no way a man in his 70’s should be allowed to look that fantastic. Not only that but Indiana Jones came out when I was a kid and being the super nerd that I was my mom promptly rented the VHS the moment it came out. It even started my little thing with archaeologists (which I wanted to be for a brief moment before I realized that I would starve and probably lose Hot Roommate, neither of which I am willing to do). 

8. Han Solo - Even now. See step nine. Ok, for all of my love of destroying innocents like Jonas, I have a thing for bad guys, even bad guys that turn good. He had me at the moment he shot Greedo (which for the record, he shot first. If you can’t handle that, you can’t love Han Solo). He was bitchy, snotty and not afraid to tell you off. My little friends (yes I wasn’t even born when the first film came out I know, but I WAS 3 for Jedi and 5 by the time mom had pirated all three for me off of HBO) were all in love with Luke, he was so good and cute but nope, not me.  Bring on the pirate. He pretty much smuggled pot for crying out loud!?!? My kinda guy. 

7. Jareth the Goblin King - David Frakkin’ Bowie. In tights. With a baby. Dancing. And singing. There is nothing else that needs to be said. If you need more, well, stop reading and go back to crushing on the little Twilight Boys. 

6. Aragorn OR Legolas - Now, I have lumped these two together not only because they are from the greatness that is the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, but also because as you watch said trilogy you have to go back and forth. Why? Flow chart time!!

   Hot dark broody dude saves adorable hobbits (Aragorn love) ------ > Crazy hot archery while Mr. Broody gets all extra broody over elf girlfriend which now makes him have too much baggage (Legolas love) -------> Then hot broody guy is secret special broody and pledges to defend cute hobbits and forsake greatness (Aragorn love) --------> ENTIRE BATTLE AT ROHAN (Legolas love) -------> Hot broody goes on a quest that may kill him standing up for all of humanity like a BEAST (Aragorn love) --------> CLIMBING ON ELEPHANTS WHILE FIRING YOUR BOW, JOKING AND COUNTING YOUR KILLS (Legolas love) -------> “You my friends bow to NO ONE” 

Aragorn for the win. 

Dammit, I’m now watching Lord of the Ring. Be back in 15 hours...

*Elevator music plays. Don’t tell Shanks. I told him he is my only one and I adore him. But I’m a fan girl slut. He doesn’t need to know that. He can think I’m loyal.*

5. Madmartigan - Ok, so you have probably noticed I have a slight weakness for jerks and Val Kilmer as Madmartigan in Willow is no exception. Dude, he even looked hot wearing a dress!!! But really, is a rebel, could wield a sword, took care of a cute baby, ran around the movie losing clothes left and right, could recite love poetry and defended the little people. Sigh. Sorcha, you are a LUCKY chic. 

4. Daryl Dixon - Now for as Southern as I am, I’m almost never attracted to “Rednecks.” There is nay a country singer I have ever found attractive and camo is a HUGE turn off. However, when you kill zombies with a cross bow, your sleeves ripped off of your shirt and ride a bike, uh, excuse me while I wipe the drool. Ok. Better. Norman Reedus if you are ANYTHING like your character, please know that in the case of an actual zombie apocalypse I will be taking everyone in at the family farm in Virginia. And I have a katana and martial arts training. I welcome you to my zombie fighting team. Please come on bike. 

3. Eric Northman - This little (well not so little) bad guy hottie gets bonus points for being   immortal and having the ability to make me immortal and good powers and being crazy good in bed. He’s a vampire, with clout, that will kill the other vampires or anyone for fucking with you. And since he is a vampire he can just hypnotize people to do what you want or need them to do AND he enjoys being covered in blood so no begging for hot manip pictures. Forget me ruining him, he can ruin me. 

2. Anakin Skywalker - He is THE dark lord of the Sith. He killed EVERYBODY. He gave the Jedi Council the middle finger just to get his groove thing on. He killed nearly everyone in his path to the Dark Side on a total frakkin’ rampage.  Sorry, but that’s just hot. HAWT. He probably could have had me with some lightsaber swinging but when he double saber beheaded Dooku this fan girl was in lust. Done. That was until.....

1. Daniel Jackson. He has brown hair and blue eyes. He speaks at LEAST 28 languages. He is a GENIUS. His name is DOCTOR Daniel Jackson and he is a DOCTOR of archaeology. He is sensitive. He cares about others. He is older. He is buff. He is not afraid to tell you off. He is quick on his feet. His voice makes me melt. He makes me melt. I swear if a genie gave me three wishes I would ONLY need one and I have thought this through: 

“I would like a quantum mirror that takes me to a post SGU Stargate reality in which I am Dr. Adrienne Rowan EXACTLY like in my fan fic and can live and spend time there and return to my own reality to be with Hot Roommate and the kiddos whenever I like and have no time have passed and when I want to be Addy again be able to pop back over to Stargate world and have it be as I left it.” 

I would legit NEVER sleep again. EVER. 

Someone PLEASE find me a genie. 

How to Know When You are Being Hit On

How to Know When You are Being Hit On

Subtitle: Come on people, I can’t believe that I am actually having to write this...

71 days left. That’s not a lot of time to use this advice, but it’s worth a try. 

Step 1: Understand you can be hit on anywhere. ANYWHERE. I mean anywhere.  See, I had sadly forgotten this post college when I had Adorable Nerd and Fashionista in Training and became Bri the Beluga Eyeore, but since my #ChangeYourStars transformation, I have been reintroduced to the wide world of “Dude, did you just say that?” It can happen in the grocery store (really hun, NO ONE is that stupid about banana selection), it can happen at a kid’s birthday party (and your WIFE is RIGHT THERE), it can happen on a school visit (I am wearing the ugliest VVa shirt know to man and this teacher just told me I am very beautiful). So be prepared for it, because, as my Girl Scouts know, you can never be too prepared. 

Step 2: Learn body language.  Now, personally, I find this step to be the hardest, mostly because I’m not one for subtleties; I’m the kind of person that thinks the middle finger is part of normal speech. But apparently, whether we are talking about men or women, there is an entire list of things that look like one thing but mean another.  So, since ya love em so much, I made ya a small chart of some basics: 

Physical Tell	When Men do it	When Women do it	When BRI does it (for clarification)
Stand really close	Excuse to be close, peep down shirt and possibly bump you	Want to smell you, sniff you and all sorts of good stuff.	You are either in my way or won’t move OR I am just really not paying attention.
Touches your arm	He is trying to make sure you saw that dude cut that zombies head off	Sign of affection, a caring gesture, may or may not be romantic	I am trying to get your attention. Look at me. Are you listening to me?
Kisses your cheek	He cares about you. Or is gay. Probably #2.	Depends...we are a fickle beast. Best to let you guys wonder on this one.	Me, I hug and kiss EVERYONE. No, seriously, I do, not just Mr. Canadian Hot Pants but EVERYONE.
Flip of the Hair	He is a surfer or gay. Seriously, if you have not figured it out, dudes are pretty blunt or clueless	She is trying to get your attention to notice her hair, the curve of her neck or a cute piercing.	Goddamn hair in my damn face; where’s my hairtie????

Step 3: The pick-up line. Fortunately, the internet has helped teach most of us the world’s best and worst so we can spot them accordingly. Here are a few notable ones: 

a) I made you come with one finger, think what I could do with them all. This shouldn’t    need explaining, but you’ve got to give a guy credit for trying. 

1. Hey baby you won? Won what? A dance with ________ (me, my friend,etc.). Ok, this one is kinda cute and clever, but unless your name is Michael Shanks, I am not considering you my prize! 
2. Being with a girl with a tongue ring is on my bucket list. Fantastic, take your dog down to Lucky 13, I’m sure they can hook you up. 
3. Did an angel just fall from the sky? Awww...I’m don’t believe in that and I prefer vampires, but thanks for playing. 

Step 4: The double meaning. Let’s be honest, I think one of the reasons that I’m so madly in love with Daniel Jackson is that the poor man is just so oblivious and more than anything I enjoy writing him oblivious with Addy (if you are lost CLICK HERE). But I think I really love him because I am oblivious. Case in point, this year for the Renaissance Faire I was both elated and saddened that my Tavern Wench dress no longer fit (too big - by a LOT) and in a panic I went to the flea market to try to get something close (because it’s not as if the mall’s got a Medieval Clothes R Us or anything).  There wasn’t a wide selection there either, but I did manage to find a black fake leather dress that looked like something I had seen on a movie. So I wore it, even though it was 95 degrees and I was slowly melting away. Now, we hadn’t been there that long when the comments started: “Wow, you look so hot in there,” “That must be really hot,” “Can I ask you if you are comfortable,” etc. and I had to explain to everyone that I was fine, which after a while, I was. However, at about the 15th comment, Hot Roommate pulls me aside, infuriated, fussing at me for flirting. Apparently, I hadn’t noticed that all of theses “concerned citizens” were men, who had, in their deep concern, touched my dress to see the material and evidently were gawking at me as I talked. Brushing that moron I married off, I stormed over to talk to a mutual male friend. 

Friend: He finally done with it? 

Me: Done with what? 

Friend: Uh, every man in this fair using your dress as an excuse to come gawk at you. 

Me: *Facepalm* 

Step 5: Recognizing a date. Ladies this is for you, well, mostly. If a guy takes you ANYWHERE and he or his mother DRIVES at all, THAT is a date. Even if you are with a larger group. Even if the movie he picks is really a buddy flick and nothing that will make you cry on his shoulder or jump in his lap in fright.  Pretty much to a man, it’s a date if you sit beside him, acknowledge his presence and he doesn’t mention another girl. Keep that in mind ladies, lest you are surprised by the random kiss exiting the theatre. Ok for you gentleman, here’s the skinny, we will think it is a date if you complete ALL of the following: 

1. Pick us up
2. Open ALL doors
3. Pay for the meal
4. Take us to an activity we like
5. Ask us to talk about ourselves
6. Tell us we are pretty
7. Offer to do something nice for us at a later date

And even if you complete A-G, that doesn’t mean you’re getting any. Unless of course you’re “You Know Who” in which case you had me at A. 

Step 6: Recognizing the more obvious. Like a kiss, like the kiss from above. Not a cheek kiss, well not always, we went over that in Step 2, but if you’re sitting your happily little self on the sofa at a frat party (seriously, why does everything seem to go down at these things) and dude or chic comes over and just kisses you then THEY ARE INTERESTED. There is no rationalizing your way with this, they’re interested, even if it is just for the night. Ya hear me. Kiss. Them. Back. Unless they’re fugly. In that case, just run. 

Step 7: Really, how was that not obvious? I have a friend. He travels a lot for work. A lot. He went out of town for a business trip. Ate dinner alone at the hotel restaurant the night he arrived. Met a couple. Hit it off. Exchanged phone numbers. They texted him all day long the next day, while he was WORKING and in MEETINGS asking him back to dinner. All day. Like even we he said that he was really busy. And kept doing it.  Until he gave in. Wanted to meet in hotel bar. Which he did. Then they wanted to go back to their room after they ate, for drinks. And my friend WENT. And left nearly screaming a few moments later. Moral of the story: Bri can’t fix everyone. 

Step 8: The internet. Now, this can be a little more difficult my friends, because we miss that all important body language from step 2 and even worse when you consider TWO things: One - people lose all filters on the internet, I know I do and Two - everyone is on twitter. For real. True story. Student of mine went on a college visit. Got hot tour guide. Goes home and tweets about how hot he is and other things that, well, I would tweet about ;P.  Few hours later gets a tweet back. “Thanks” From him. So, just make sure if you’re going to do internet flirting, be really obvious and blunt. 

@ladiosabri : I WANT TO KISS YOU MICHAEL SHANKS EVEN THOUGH HOT ROOMMATE WILL KILL ME!!

See? Like that. Obvious.

Step 9: Dearest Hot Roommate. I would like to outline to your high cluelessness my attempted hitting on you in college that you DID NOT GET in the hopes that you will better educate our son. 

1. When a girl kidnaps you in her van (named the Porn Star) from the sidewalk to go to a play - she is hitting on you. 
2. When a girl sits by you during Deliverance and hides in your lap during the “squeal like a pig scene” - she is hitting on you.
3. When a girl takes care of you after you passed out sick in your suite shower after drinking too much Mudslide - she is hitting on you. 
4. When a girl CALLS you to whine after EVERY break up and points out how SWEET you are - she is hitting on you.
5. When a girl KISSES you on the stoop of your dorm after we all start talking about regrets....wait, you GOT that one..just took you THREE years...stupid man....

Step 10: Can I buy you a drink? No, seriously Shanks, I would like to buy you a drink. Yes, I AM hitting on you. Yes, I KNOW you are married. Happily. So am I.  So, let’s make a deal. I’ll play Addy. You play Daniel. Then it’s “acting.” So handsome, what’ll it be, red or white??

How to be an Independent Woman

**Warning - some items in the blog may be offensive. Please remember, my purpose is comedy **

Carry on...

How to Be an Independent Woman

Subtitle: Sorry boys, but I need to talk about man-neediness

Step 1:  Get a mirror.  This in an important exercise in self recognition.  You need to know who you are dealing with before we begin.  Now, mirror in place, look deep into your own reflection and repeat the following mantras.  There are three on them, don’t skip any and do not skip ahead.  

Mantra 1: I am NOT Angelina Jolie. (Unless of course Angie if you are reading this in which case you are a goddess). This mantra is to bring you back to reality.  Angelina is PAID to look that good.  This does not mean that you are not beautiful, but you do not have a team of make-up people that make you look like that.  Accept reality. You may stop repeating this mantra once you accept reality. 

Mantra 2: I am NOT Freddy Krueger. Honey you are NOT ugly.  You are not Angie, but you are NOT ugly.  You deserve nice things and a nice life and a nice person.  You are beautiful inside and out.  Repeat until you clue the hell in.  

Mantra 3: I do not need a man. I do not need a man.  I do not need a man.  (Keep on going - this one may take a while) 

Step 2: Now that we have spent our time at the mirror, we need to discuss what exactly “man neediness” is.  By definition, “man neediness” is when every freakin waking thought is about a man in your life, a man that was in your life, wanting a man in your life, man, man, man, boo, hoo, woe is me, are we meant to be, do you think we will last, whine, cry, complain to the point that NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.  

Is this you? Then, by all means, please keep reading. If this is not you, keep reading anyway, you might be amused. 

Step 3:  Determine why you feel that you need this man.  I have constructed this handy chart to help you.  

Reason you think you need a man	Real reason you have this issue	Non-man alternative
He makes me happy.	I cannot occupy myself.	Get a puppy.
He does things for me.	I am lazy.	Get off of your butt and learn to change a tire.  It is really not that difficult.
He makes me feel pretty.	I think that chicks in magazines are not airbrushed and have not spent twice my annual salary on cosmetic surgery.	Book a boudoir photo session.  Pay to have someone take sexy pics of you. Put them on Facebook every freaking day so people will tell you how pretty you are since you apparently need to hear that every freaking day.
I am supposed to be married by now.	You watched too much TV as a child.	Stop watching TV.  That is not real.  You are not supposed to do anything in life but pay taxes and die.
Other people think I am pathetic.	Your daddy did not pay enough attention to you.	Go to old folks home. Find a daddy. You may not marry him.
This is a PG blog	This is a PG blog	www.google.com

Step 4: You do not need a man.  

Step 5: The Notebook, Sleepless in Seattle, Sweet Home Alabama (forgive this list I DO NOT watch these kinds of films, unless Michael Shanks does them, which he does not, so we are fine, see, I even managed to fit him into a blog about man neediness without discounting my own undying adoration for him. :-) ) Wait? Where was I? (Damn distracting Michael Shanks) Oh yeah, romance movies are not real. NOT real.  Men are men. They just are. Most of my friends are men.  They are not acting; that’s just the way they are.  Accept it and move on.  And stop watching those damn movies.  Science Fiction is much better. Start with Battlestar Galactica. It is like SciFi with a touch of romance. Might make a nice transition. 

Step 6: You do not need a man. Do not go into that bar.  Trust me, the man of your dreams is NOT there. Or on Craigslist.  Or an old boyfriend of Facebook.  Or on Twitter (Well mine is; but we are both taken). You do not need a man.

Step 7: Find SOMETHING else to do!! Anything! Because, really, if you have so much time to spend on whining about a man, I have got PLENTY you can do: laundry, dishes, child-rearing, homeschooling, pet-feeding, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, grading, grading, grading, did I mention grading, to even worry about the man that I have! If you have nothing else to do then you really have got to find a hobby or something.  I can make some suggestions.

Step 8: You do not need a man.  Stop asking me what I think about your man or lack thereof. I am super close to telling you. 

Step 9: A man will not make you happy. They do not care about your feelings. If you are unhappy in the first place you will just be unhappy with another person on the other side of the couch.  Find what makes you happy, because it is NOT a man.  Try that puppy.  Spanish wine. Cheesecake.  Martial Arts (then you can beat a man). Just NOT A MAN.  Not even a hot celeb on Twitter.  

Step 10: Fill in the blanks. Please.  For the love of all things holy and sacred if you cannot fill in the blanks at this point just go back to step one.  

        You do ________ need _____ ___________!!!!!!