How to Change Your Stars

How to Change Your Stars

Subtitle: I didn’t like me. At all. So guess what? I did something about it. 

This entry is a little more serious and in homage to my anniversary this summer. One year ago, on July 17th 2011, I decided to change my stars. Here’s how and why I did. 

Step 1: The deterioration.  It will happen to everyone. Everyone.  There is no one root cause but mine was quiet simple: I got comfortable.  I had Hot Roommate after three stupid years of NOT letting myself be attracted to him and finally admitting everything to him because of my good friend José. I had a cute little house in the country that was super pretty despite the insanity of building it myself. I had two little perfect demons that were happily driving me insane. Ok, you whiney brat, if you were so damn happy that we are about ready to click off of this blog, what in the heck is wrong with you?!?! I stopped caring about me. Which was stupid, because she’s kinda important. To you know, the three things (4 if you separate the demons above).  Read on...

Step 2: The realization. Ok, if we read the 10K entry you know part one of this story already.  Let’s recap, Clare was little, she thought I was a man because I was fat and dressed like one.  She even said she had two daddies.  Ouch.  I don’t have a problem with two daddies, that just wasn’t the look I was going for. Then, there is the fact that Hot Roommate laughed at the idea of me running. At all. Or finishing anything for that matter.  What!?! I used to be THE go to girl to get things done and now I’m the half-ass person who just exists? And my own husband thinks so? Oh hell no! 

Step 3: The motivation. Next, you need to throw fit, scream at everyone using a plethora of profanity in a variety of languages and lock yourself in your bedroom with your computer. Turn on your computer, plug in your headphones and cue up some cinema on Netflix.  Watch Star Wars first and cry, because when you were a child Princess Leia was your hero.  Fat, unmotivated, depressed chicks can’t be Princess Leia.  Upset, flip over to Legend of the Seeker.  Have same reaction watching Cara and Kahlan. Get mad, change program again.  Finally watch that Stargate show you missed while in grad school your friends keep telling you to watch. Watch about 30 mins of first episode. And fall completely and totally in love.  

Step 4: The situation. Shut off the computer.  What happened to you? If things like the Stargate really existed, you really were cool enough, smart enough, everything enough to be a part of something like that (and get that PERFECT MAN - hell, you got Hot Roommate who is awesome and even he thinks you’ve turned into a monster).  Go look in the mirror. Realize you are huge, have a constant frown on your face, and dark circles because you don’t sleep, you just lay around feeling sorry for yourself. That’s not you.  In fact, I have no idea who in the hell you are girl, but you’ve got to go. Now. 

Step 5: The transformation.  Now, keep it all inside until you find the right person to break to. Otherwise, you just end up blubbering like a drunken fool (perhaps drunk indeed) to anyone and everyone and no one will take you seriously. I recommend breaking-down to a professional. It might be a shrink, but for me it was my Ob-Gyn.  She let me sit there, blubber like an idiot and then handed me a folder.  I am not sure the name on it anymore, but I know it was politically correct way of saying “How to not be a Fat Ass Anymore and Actually not Die of Type 2 Diabetes,” or something along those lines.  There was no explanation, just a “Look, I know you are a smart person. Read this. Call me if you have any questions. I’m glad you’ve decided to do this.” 

Step 6: The frustration. Ok, I’m not gonna to lie.  Running hurts.  Lifting weights hurts.  Eating right is killer.  Don’t give up.  You’re gonna sprain ankles while leaping over furniture like a gazelle and have to have the cute Redneck ambulance drivers carrying you down the stairs in the skimpiest workout clothes ever because you were working out before the kids got up and oh yeah, they’re up now, on the phone with 911 talking about how clumsy you are.  You’re husband will get promoted and leave you with the children 24/7 so you have to improvise like crazy and ride your bike while lifting weights at the same time so you don’t lose workout time.  It’s gonna to be frustrating.  Don’t give up.  

Step 7: The dedication. Get right back up after each of these.  So, you go 21 days without running? Lift weights until you can and start running as soon as you are allowed.  Now, you’re not gonna run miles right off the bat, but be dedicated enough to work your way back up.  Don’t listen to naysayers.  I’ve been told, well you don’t run that fast or it’s not like you’re a REAL athlete.  These people are asshats and they are just jealous that YOU don’t hate your life anymore.  Let them keep hating theirs.  You just keep going and do what you gotta do to succeed.  

Step 8: The destination. Ok, this is not even about meeting Michael Shanks anymore. (Although words cannot describe how excited I am to be able to just touch this man!!!) It’s about realizing that I can finally do anything I set my mind to, even if it is something as crazy as meeting your celebrity crush.  Riding everything at the local theme park that you were ever afraid of.  Trying Hot Yoga. Belly Dancing in front of a crowd.  Writing a story, a novel, a blog.  Putting yourself out there. Because remember, you were pretty cool. And you still are.  

Step 9: The dispensation.  For this to truly work you don’t just going flouncing around bragging.  I get a lot of compliments and the first thing I say is “Thanks, but anyone can do it if I did.  Just let me know, I’m happy to share.” And be there for those people when they hit steps 5-7.  Be there when they tell you what THEIR step 8 is and don’t laugh (cuz come on YOURS is to HUG Michael Shanks, does it get sillier?? I thought not). Be supportive and caring and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. 

Step 10: The celebration. Wine time!! Hey, wanna know the best part of this? It takes less wine to be happy when you are smaller.  So you can either save the money or buy more expensive wine. But drink up and drink well! You deserve it.  

Happy Anniversary! And if YOU ;) are reading: I’m not one of the crazies, I just wanted to thank you for helping me change my stars even though you weren’t even aware that you did.

How to Exercise

How to Exercise Correctly

Subtitle: If you are planning to improve your lifestyle, read this first. Please.  Otherwise, you are going to make yourself look like an asshat.  

Step 1: Pick your poison.  You need to decide BEFORE slapping down money at a gym or buying a stupid amount of gear what you would like to pursue.  And be logical.  Please.  Like pursing a sport that is seasonal so you have half the year to go back to being fat and lazy and have to start over, or my favorite, picking whatever is the trend.  I run.  I ran in high school. I ran a bit in college.  Now, running is super cool and every freakin person is a running expert and I am thinking, uh, wait until you are running the big 10K and you are on the side of the road dying with the paramedic because you only did enough training to look cool. Yeah, I’m laughing at you.  Because you are a phony.  

Step 2: Buy gear, not clothes.  That’s because if you do this right you’re going to de-fat yourself.  A lot.  Fast.  And those exercise clothes at the sporting good store are not cheap.  In fact, they are not even for exercise, they are for beautiful yet emotionally unstable women to wear to try to pick up guys at the gym.  Period. I mean, have you ever tried to wear that stuff. I bought a running top once and put it on and my boobs were stuffed into my face.  Trust me, ya can’t run like that.  It hurts.  So, just go to Walmart and buy some cheap shorts and if you need them a few sports bras. 

Step 3: Don’t expect instant results.  My favorite question from people is “Oh Bri, you look so good, how did you do it?” When I respond, diet and exercise, their face drops. In  fact, it has taken me most of my youngest child’s life to get back into the shape I was in high school and a lot of hard work.  Oh yeah, she’s six.  If you want instant results, go get yourself plastic surgery. Because it is just so much better to let a dude suck fat cells out of your side with a damn vacuum than it is to just suck it up and hit the elliptical.  Right.... I’d rather spend my money having fun and traveling. But that’s just me... 

Step 4: Respect others.  Your exercise does not supersede any other freakin thing that anyone one else has to do ever. Period.  Case in point - bikers in the country.  I respect your right to bike, just not in the damn middle of the really windy rural road with no shoulders and you won’t get over and look at me like I am not supposed to be there while I hold onto the steering wheel and pray to Athena that someone does not come whipping around the corner not see any of us and kill us all.  That is stupid.  That is asshatted.  I am a runner and I run the roads closer to race time and I am NOT running those roads nor am I nearly causing accidents.  So you bikers be warned, if I ever get diagnosed with a incurable disease and I catch you biking those dangerous roads like a moron, I just might not stop.  

Step 5: Do not eat like a teenager.  Unless you are, in that case, live it up. I used to eat two Snickers a day and was a skinny lil thing.  Today, not so much.  But just because you’re lifting a dumbbell once a week does not mean you can go stuffing your face with all of the fast food you can eat.  You may want to, and you can slip here and there, but busting out the Taco Bell after a workout is a sure fire way to need new workout clothes.  In the other direction.  At least Walmart carries those sizes.  More so than normal people sizes too.  

Step 6: Make a schedule. Just like everything else in your life, you need to set aside time for exercise otherwise it doesn’t happen.  And be creative about it.  In fact, here is yet another way to use Siri to your benefit.  On really busy weeks I have Siri create a reminder that says “Bri, this is your reminder to get off of your fat ass and run,” and things like that.  Now, I would like to defend my booty at this point, it is quite cute i have been told, but I want it to stay like that.  Siri is like my drill sergeant and the ghost of Christmas Future all wrapped up into one.  

Step 7: Motivate yourself. Now, a Siri note might not motivate you, so you really need to have something to motivate you.  I have a friend that uses pictures of really fit women to look at (fit not thin) for inspiration.  Maybe you can find a friend to work out with.  Personally, this is mine:   (Pic seems to be bratty this morning so just in case:  http://sot.wikia.com/wiki/Cara)

 I want to look like that.  And in that suit.  And go to DragonCon, dressed like that.  It’s on my bucket list and we know how I feel about that bucket list :-) 

Step 8: Don’t worry about looking like a fool.  Seriously, because chances are you are having to go to a gym and workout in front of others.  Do what you need to do, the plan from your doctor, your trainer, whatever and just ignore the rest.  Because this pie chart represents most of the people that go to a gym.  


(Again, picture that worked last week is being bratty.....


80% of people are there to get laid or be looked at.
9% of people are so scary working out that you want to avoid them because you want them to forget your face when the world turns into Mad Max.  THEY will be driving the motorcycles and operating the big guns. 
5% of the people are there because they are being forced, either by a medical professional OR because their spouse bought them a gym membership and is threatening to never buy another gift again because they didn't use it.  
3% of the people work there, so they feel obligated to try to look good on their off hours. 
2% of the people are there because their friend dragged them there and after 20 minutes on the stepper are vowing to NEVER return. 
1% of the people are like us and there to work out.  )

Step 9: Recover from set-backs. You will get hurt, have to go to a insane amount of weddings and related parties so you can’t exercise, have to take off two or three days to drive to Chicago to meet Michael Shanks and hope to Athena that he doesn’t notice your flab from not lifting for a few days...., well, you get the point.  Don’t let it get you down.  Dust yourself off and start from the beginning again, pump up the music and roll.  

Step 10: You will still need wine.  Studies show that people that drink wine are more athletic.  No lie!! If the friend of mine that found that article is reading, post it please so these people will believe me.  And while red is better, and even better Spanish red, white will do as well. Just have it handy. Oh and beware.  Once you start to defat, you can only tolerate so much wine.... you were warned.