How to Run a Half Marathon

How to Run a Half Marathon

Subtitle: You don’t have to look very far for him here. He’s is step one. As he should be. 

39 days left but I am not worried. I can use a sword AND outrun the fudgers. Bring on the zombies. 

Step 1: Change your stars. Turn 30, fall to pieces, get addicted to a Sci-Fi TV show you over looked in college and grad school because you were taking a silly amount of credit hours each semester and fall in love with a fictional character not because he is hot, although you realize about season five as they are killing him off that he is like Apollo/Adonis hot - how did I MISS THAT, but because he never gives up. Thank you Daniel, for everything. 

Step 2: Pick a race. Ok, so I bitch about Virginia and threaten to move to Canada, Spain, Miami and Mexico, but in reality I have a passionate love affair with Richmond. I have to say that having done a few races here now, this is the FRIENDLIEST place to run on the planet, maybe even the universe. (Not that I have gated anywhere to know yet... :p) So, yes, I’m probably not going anywhere, so you might as well come here. I’ll meet you at the party stop. 

Step 3: Commit in ink. Sure, the damn race costs $75-$100 and you would THINK that is enough, but really, if you freak out enough you can back out of anything and convince yourself that the costs can be made up by not eating out a few nights or something. You need something a bit more, well, permanent. I suggest a tattoo. Because nothing says commitment like ink that will never go away. Oh, and if you were wondering, I went with a runner on my left outside ankle. Not a mustache and goatee.... (I’m STILL not over that comment LOL). 

Step 4: Start training. No jokes here, I went to marathonrookie.com and printed a race plan that matched the number of weeks I had to commit to this. That’s IT.  Nothing against those who chose to pay $200+ for the training teams, but like Greek Life in college, I don’t pay for stuff I can get for free. Sorry. 

Step 5: Get encouragement, because let’s face it, you’re like the only person you know doing this and there is no one to run with you. Enlist EVERY human being you can. Recruit your twitter army to send Daniel Jackson pictures to you every time you go on a long run. Recruit your Facebook friends to post wall messages throughout the entire process. Have your spouse run your put crew to bring you water and flashlights when the sun goes down as you are 5/6 of the way through your double digit Saturday runs. Get people to write well wishes on your virtual wall, send you messages that you will carry in your bottle. Get your students and family to sign your technical shirt.  Mail your last race shirt to LONDON so your friend can tell Michael Shanks what you are doing so he can sign the shirt, give you a message and take the time to give a shit which makes you cry. You need each and everyone one of these people. TRUST ME. Because this is NOT EASY.

Step 6: Have the most AWESOME in-laws in the FRAKKIN’ world. In-laws that get you a hotel room at the Jefferson, the POSHEST hotel in Richmond (I LOVE YOU MARY) and then have same said awesome in-laws take you to the Tobacco Company for the Race Day special (which I kid you NOT was the biggest piece of Chicken Parm I have EVER seen in my ENTIRE life). You need this too, you need a good place to sleep close to the start and a full tummy. Rest well. Tomorrow is a big day. 

Step 7: Wake up early. Get dressed, attach your number, listen to Hot Roommate chew out room service because your protein shake is late, hug Adorable Nerd and Fashionista in Training, race downstairs, take coffee from the AWESOME hotel staff who have it ready and waiting for anyone with a race number and walk a mile to the starting line.  Meet up with other runners, chat it up, calm your nerves, tweet like there is no tomorrow.  Oh my Athena we’re moving. Headphones it. Marathon playlist on. Starting Tweet prepped. Imma make you my bitch. 

Step 8: Run like the wind. Holy cow this is soo cool! Like the 10K was cool but this is the SHIT. Notice everything because, since we are in Richmond after all, there be crazy mess. First, I’d like someone to explains the tutus to me because I have run like 8 races in the past year and every time someone is wearing tutu and I am so confused. Note that your former Grad School (Go University of Richmond SPIDERS!) now has a Quidditch team (because of course there was no cool shit like that when I was there). Stop at every water station, you get more thirsty than you would imagine. Slap EVERY child’s hand you pass, EVERY, because it is 8 am and they are up in coats outside to cheer you on. Oh, and DON’T take the gel at mile 8. That is NASTY, like super nasty. Like, I wish I could puke that up nasty but I have to keep running. Instead, wait till you get to VCU frat row. Like the 10K they are giving out beer and people are REALLY taking it! TAKE THE BEER!!! YES, I KNOW it is only step 8, but TAKE THE BEER. 

Step 9: Push through the pain. About mile 11 all of a sudden your left buttock decides that it no longer wants to be part of your body no matter the amount of negotiating that you’re doing with it. Seriously ass?! My KNEES are what the doctors have been worrying about and today YOU decide to give me problems. Tweet for help, help will come and keep pushing. Keep pushing. Keep pushing. JUST KEEP PUSHING.

Step 10: There it is and it’s okay to cry. The music around you is finally louder than the music in your headphones, there is a big banner at the end of the hill and there’s your family and you’re tweeting the finish and everyone is telling you to run like hell and as if your friends are psychic text messages start flying in; the announcer is calling that you’ve made it, you’ve finished, run, run, run and cry. Fall into Hot Roommate’s arms (not mine though) and cry. Because you changed your stars. Thank you Daniel Jackson. Thank you Michael Shanks. Thank you Jack(Hot Roommate). Thank you Mom. Thank you kiddos. Thank you to my friends. Thank you to my students. Thank you everyone. YOU have made this possible. YOU helped me conquer it all. 

Forget the wine. I am going to get UV Chocolate Cake Vodka. 

Bottom’s up! 

How to Exercise

How to Exercise Correctly

Subtitle: If you are planning to improve your lifestyle, read this first. Please.  Otherwise, you are going to make yourself look like an asshat.  

Step 1: Pick your poison.  You need to decide BEFORE slapping down money at a gym or buying a stupid amount of gear what you would like to pursue.  And be logical.  Please.  Like pursing a sport that is seasonal so you have half the year to go back to being fat and lazy and have to start over, or my favorite, picking whatever is the trend.  I run.  I ran in high school. I ran a bit in college.  Now, running is super cool and every freakin person is a running expert and I am thinking, uh, wait until you are running the big 10K and you are on the side of the road dying with the paramedic because you only did enough training to look cool. Yeah, I’m laughing at you.  Because you are a phony.  

Step 2: Buy gear, not clothes.  That’s because if you do this right you’re going to de-fat yourself.  A lot.  Fast.  And those exercise clothes at the sporting good store are not cheap.  In fact, they are not even for exercise, they are for beautiful yet emotionally unstable women to wear to try to pick up guys at the gym.  Period. I mean, have you ever tried to wear that stuff. I bought a running top once and put it on and my boobs were stuffed into my face.  Trust me, ya can’t run like that.  It hurts.  So, just go to Walmart and buy some cheap shorts and if you need them a few sports bras. 

Step 3: Don’t expect instant results.  My favorite question from people is “Oh Bri, you look so good, how did you do it?” When I respond, diet and exercise, their face drops. In  fact, it has taken me most of my youngest child’s life to get back into the shape I was in high school and a lot of hard work.  Oh yeah, she’s six.  If you want instant results, go get yourself plastic surgery. Because it is just so much better to let a dude suck fat cells out of your side with a damn vacuum than it is to just suck it up and hit the elliptical.  Right.... I’d rather spend my money having fun and traveling. But that’s just me... 

Step 4: Respect others.  Your exercise does not supersede any other freakin thing that anyone one else has to do ever. Period.  Case in point - bikers in the country.  I respect your right to bike, just not in the damn middle of the really windy rural road with no shoulders and you won’t get over and look at me like I am not supposed to be there while I hold onto the steering wheel and pray to Athena that someone does not come whipping around the corner not see any of us and kill us all.  That is stupid.  That is asshatted.  I am a runner and I run the roads closer to race time and I am NOT running those roads nor am I nearly causing accidents.  So you bikers be warned, if I ever get diagnosed with a incurable disease and I catch you biking those dangerous roads like a moron, I just might not stop.  

Step 5: Do not eat like a teenager.  Unless you are, in that case, live it up. I used to eat two Snickers a day and was a skinny lil thing.  Today, not so much.  But just because you’re lifting a dumbbell once a week does not mean you can go stuffing your face with all of the fast food you can eat.  You may want to, and you can slip here and there, but busting out the Taco Bell after a workout is a sure fire way to need new workout clothes.  In the other direction.  At least Walmart carries those sizes.  More so than normal people sizes too.  

Step 6: Make a schedule. Just like everything else in your life, you need to set aside time for exercise otherwise it doesn’t happen.  And be creative about it.  In fact, here is yet another way to use Siri to your benefit.  On really busy weeks I have Siri create a reminder that says “Bri, this is your reminder to get off of your fat ass and run,” and things like that.  Now, I would like to defend my booty at this point, it is quite cute i have been told, but I want it to stay like that.  Siri is like my drill sergeant and the ghost of Christmas Future all wrapped up into one.  

Step 7: Motivate yourself. Now, a Siri note might not motivate you, so you really need to have something to motivate you.  I have a friend that uses pictures of really fit women to look at (fit not thin) for inspiration.  Maybe you can find a friend to work out with.  Personally, this is mine:   (Pic seems to be bratty this morning so just in case:  http://sot.wikia.com/wiki/Cara)

 I want to look like that.  And in that suit.  And go to DragonCon, dressed like that.  It’s on my bucket list and we know how I feel about that bucket list :-) 

Step 8: Don’t worry about looking like a fool.  Seriously, because chances are you are having to go to a gym and workout in front of others.  Do what you need to do, the plan from your doctor, your trainer, whatever and just ignore the rest.  Because this pie chart represents most of the people that go to a gym.  


(Again, picture that worked last week is being bratty.....


80% of people are there to get laid or be looked at.
9% of people are so scary working out that you want to avoid them because you want them to forget your face when the world turns into Mad Max.  THEY will be driving the motorcycles and operating the big guns. 
5% of the people are there because they are being forced, either by a medical professional OR because their spouse bought them a gym membership and is threatening to never buy another gift again because they didn't use it.  
3% of the people work there, so they feel obligated to try to look good on their off hours. 
2% of the people are there because their friend dragged them there and after 20 minutes on the stepper are vowing to NEVER return. 
1% of the people are like us and there to work out.  )

Step 9: Recover from set-backs. You will get hurt, have to go to a insane amount of weddings and related parties so you can’t exercise, have to take off two or three days to drive to Chicago to meet Michael Shanks and hope to Athena that he doesn’t notice your flab from not lifting for a few days...., well, you get the point.  Don’t let it get you down.  Dust yourself off and start from the beginning again, pump up the music and roll.  

Step 10: You will still need wine.  Studies show that people that drink wine are more athletic.  No lie!! If the friend of mine that found that article is reading, post it please so these people will believe me.  And while red is better, and even better Spanish red, white will do as well. Just have it handy. Oh and beware.  Once you start to defat, you can only tolerate so much wine.... you were warned.  

How to Survive a 10K

How to Survive a 10K 

Subtitle: How to go from PPD fattie to fit mama in only 365 days!

Step 1: Go to the Ashland Strawberry Faire. No lie, this was the start of all of this insanity.  Because at the Faire two things will happen: 

1. You will see pretty jewelry and comment to your daughter about it.  Daughter will tell you that is for girls.  You will call her silly.  She will inform you that she has two daddies because you are fat and look like a boy.  You will leave jewelry booth empty handed.
2. As you are leaving the Faire, remembering the days when you were tournament fighting and karate hot, you will meet two nice senior citizens who think asking a fat chick to run a 5K race is something you normally do.  They give you a brochure that even your husband chuckles at.  This pisses you off further.  

Step 2: When you arrive home, storm upstairs to the attic and find pictures.  Pictures of yourself in karate uniforms and remember that you have been pretty darn athletic most of your life.  Look in the mirror and realize that you no longer recognize the person standing there.  Get even more angry.

Step 3:  Make an appointment for a physical. This time, when your doctor starts using those fancy words like ‘obese’ and ‘cholesterol’, which are just code for ‘you have been coming here for years and you used to be cute and now you are a Beluga whale’ inform said patient doctor you are ready to not be that fat chic anymore.  Actually read information doctor gives you.  

Step 4: Tell your friends and family what you are doing.  You will need support.  However, you must keep in mind that they will ask why? as if being healthy is some crazy notion.  ‘I am doing this for myself’ does not fly for some reason.  You have to be MUCH more inventive.  I went with ‘I want to be small enough to fit into a Mord Sith costume (you might want to google that) so I can go to a Stargate convention and steal Michael Shanks away from his wife.’ Believe it or not, people bought that.  Some still do. I just want to go to the convention at this point to tell him, “Hey, you wanna hear something funny?” and see if he poses for an insane picture with me to screw with people.  I think he is just crazy enough that he might....

Step 5: Start training.  Not Rocky training; you people know that was a movie, right? Use the internet (I mean you are here, right, looking for advice from me ha!).  I started with Couch to 5K and added in weights.  You literally WALK in the beginning.  Yes people, walk, that thing you did toward the TV before remotes were invented (Wow - I just aged myself....).  

Step 5A: Get a good MP3 player, an iPod, something and create a play list that pumps you up.  I could make recs, but I have been informed that my taste is music is odd and makes no sense ;-) It doesn’t..... sigh...

Step 6: Register for insane things you would have never done before, like the Monument Avenue 10K.  Do it late at night after some Spanish wine so you cannot talk yourself out of it.  (Have you guys gotten that Spanish wine yet? Seriously, I cannot stress its importance enough).  Post the registration on your fridge with the cost highlighted. Highlighting the cost will make you feel like crap if you don’t do it because you could have spent that money on something else because holy cow I had no idea how much those races cost!! 

Step 7: Create something for you to focus on during the race.  I got a little plastic bottle and solicited good lucks and encouraging words from my friends and family to roll up and put in the bottle to carry with me during the race.  And Michael Shanks.  Yep, got a good luck tweet from him, oh yeah.... Called me a masochist. Sad part is that I think he’s right.....

Step 8: Run the race.  Drag your butt out of bed, chug a protein shake and go. And wait.  Your internal dialog might go something like this.  Oh dear lord, how many people are here.  What? This is the 15th largest race in the world.  What am I doing? Is there a wine shop around here? Wait! They just called my group number, oh God that is the starting line.  Go! What? Now?!?

Step 9: Run the race.  Just keep running.  After this experience I HIGHLY recommend Nikki Minaj - she is now my hero.  I honestly got through the last miles because of her.  High five every child you pass, don’t turn down the water station and run. Run, looking for your family, your friends. Try not to cry when you see the finish line.  

Step 9A: Go home and stuff your face.  Open some Spanish wine :-) 

Step 10:  Wake up Sunday and call a seamstress.  You have a Mord Sith costume to order.....