How to Survive Black Friday

How to Survive Black Friday

Subtitle: Me and mine have a system. Yes, a system. We get the TVs. We get the PCs. We get the toys. And we live to talk about it.

SubSubTitle: LOOK AT YOUR CART! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!! 

SubSubSubTitle: That’s too many towels...

Step 1: Case the joint.  The A #1 mistake made by Black Friday shoppers is just a’showin’ up and taking the map the little dude who is ushering you through to cart corral hands you. Nope, that ain’t gonna work. You NEED to know where in the hell you’re going in advance AND where the large empty space in the store is. Cuz dem bitches SNEAKY. They do shit like hide the towels near the TV’s. If you know the store you can determine that running through intimate apparel is the fastest back route to said elusive towels. 

Step 2:  Sort your ads at kitchen counter while husband tries to talk to you before coffee like he doesn't know better AND forces the kids to watch the parade who are consequently whining about not wanting to watch the parade and coming to try to steal your ads and bitching about what they want for Christmas which is NOT what they told you last week when you started looking up leaked info and store maps online and now they’re screaming because there IS a good song on the parade and your husband just sprayed counter cleaner on the Macy’s ad with the COUPON and AHHHH!!!!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Think about Daniel Jackson. Just think about Daniel Jackson. 

Step 3: Don’t forget your camera, because shit’s gonna pop off at the Walmart and not over what you think. Honestly, I did this for YEARS and NEVER EVER saw anything go down like what went down on TV and the ONE year I did not bring a camera and DID split up from one of my dearest friends and shopping buddy. That was the ONE year that some women started fighting over Boost Mobile phones. No lie. (And they did that this year too apparently! Do these phones sort laundry or something? House crack?) But I DID get to listen to it over the phone. CLASSIC.  This time, my iPhone is CHARGED and ready to go! 

Step 3A: Make sure there is room in the car. Really, because nothing sucks worse than having to stop shopping because you’re out of room in the car. You need as much room as possible for the towels. 

Step 4: Get in Line. This really doesn’t have to be as bad as it sounds. Now I have heard horror stories but my area is pretty good.  And we’re Southern, which means I’m striking up a conversation with the random woman behind me regaling her of tales of years past which include but are not limited to:

• Crawling between people’s legs when I was 16 to get my sister a Tickle Me Elmo
• Using walkie talkies pre-cell phones to divide and conquer
• Throwing Fisher Price toys in football like passes to my mother so she could dash to the line
• Gone to five stores to find the BatCave that came with the BONUS villains

Step 5: Bathroom Passes. I’m not even kidding here and as a teacher I find this to be HILARIOUS. Here is how it goes down: If you are purchasing something at a major retailer, like Walmart or Best Buy, you are going to have to complete step 4 HOURS in advance. If you want the 50” TV for $250 that goes on sale at 10, you will need to line up at 6, but never fear! Since you’re having to drink INSANE amounts of coffee chances are you’re going to have to pee (See Mr. Shanks we women have to pee EVERYWHERE so I LOVE you but I did stop on my 14 hour trek to pee! No worries! :) ). So what do they do? THEY GIVE YOU A BATHROOM PASS!!! They are pieces of paper with your name, the time you left the time and the time you have to be back lest your forfeit your place in line AND a store employee has to SIGN IT. JUST.LIKE.HIGH.SCHOOL. Honestly, I’m sad I didn’t buy a TV just to experience this. 

Step 6: Distraction. If you want a hard to get item this is a MUST. Because what’s going to happen is when you get to the bikes, which is the ONLY thing your kids seem to want this year, there is going to be a woman that is going to be letting everyone know who is getting what bike and how this is going to go down and blah blah blah lady are you still talking but then as she is asking you for the ten thousandth time what time it is she will notice that the crock pots that she also wanted are being opened early so she starts screaming and the people who were listening to her like she ACTUALLY had a say over who gets a bike are confused, so you just shove your way through, rip open the plastic and take your bike. 

I hope you got your crock pot. 

I’m at the register.

With the bike. 

Step 7: Why do you need that many towels?? No for real, the only thing my friend here wants is towels they are gone in seven minutes, seven minutes, like we’re talking HUNDREDS of towels are GONE. So on the way to the register you notice that they’re ALL in ONE cart. I’m not kidding! Is there something I don’t know? People are hoarding Twinkies, there’s a TV show about prepping for the end of the world and now towels. That’s it, it’s the Towelpocalpyse. We are in our last days. 

Step 8: Watch what you wear because without fail since I’m young looking (yay, even at 32 I get carded, for real not just carded because it’s a rule) some old person is going to think you work there and try to ask you questions. It will go down like this: 

Old Man: Excuse me, do you have any more crockpots in the back (On a side note, is this a last days sign as well?? Why does everyone want a crockpot??) 

Me: No sir, sorry, I don’t work here.

Old Man: (scanning me up and down) You don’t? 

Me: No sir, I don’t (scanning myself, as I wear black and gray almost EXCLUSIVELY - just like Mr. Canadian Hot Pants if I might add - and we’re in Target and their employees wear RED). 

Old Man: So, you don’t know if there are any more crockpots?

Pseudo-Brother: Walk away Brianne, just walk away. 

Step 8A: Side Target conversation. 

Me: Hey, wait. I need a toaster.

Pseudo-Brother: None of those toasters match any color scheme in your kitchen.

Me: I’m not gonna leave it on the counter, I’m gonna pull it out when I need it. 

Pseudo-Brother: Oh, in that case, get the red one.

Me: No, I want a yellow one.

Pseudo-Brother: That’s not yellow, that’s orange. 

Me: Yellow

PB: Orange

Me: Yellow

....... (continues for next 20 minutes) 

Step 9: Don’t give up. Just because it’s gone in one store doesn’t mean it’ll be gone in another. Like towels! In fact, you might be able to go back down to Walmart, that same Walmart where you tricked bitches into bikes and saw the Towelpocalpyse go down and there will be the towels, so you stop, try them on and decide they suck and the ones you found EVERY WHERE ELSE are better. I hope that man enjoys his scratchy towels that don’t cover his ass. We made sure to test in advance. 

Step 10: Coffee!!! I’m starting to worry about wine. No, seriously, I drink significantly less now as this blog soldiers on and significantly more coffee. Age? Nah, it’s probably the whole running thing. Whatever. Anyway, It’s about 8 a.m. when normal people might be rolling over to launch alarm clocks, but you, no you’re at the IHOP, being rescued. You haven’t slept in well over 24 hours. Your car should be full of shit that might actually not be for anyone else but you. You’ve been listening to hard core rap since 1 a.m. laughing about some of the morons that were smacking each other for a corded printer. But your kids actually slept tonight and you have to be a parent. 

Damn happy I scored a Keuring for $60. 

And the toaster is yellow. 

How To Do Thanksgiving Dinner

How To Do Thanksgiving Dinner

Subtitle: So in reality my mom does most of this but I kinda get roped in. Then I cook another for some of my closest friends. I am a glutton for punishment. 

Step 1: Plan your menu. Do not use Pinterest. Ok, I’m gonna be frank with you for a moment here, so sit down and grab a whiskey (disregard step 10).  Pinterest is a ploy. It is a ploy by companies and business to make you think that you have Martha Stewart talents when in reality you burn water. I really think it works something like this small flow chart below:

Walmart decides it has an abundance of apples this season --------> Contacts a mommy blogger (those annoying perfect life ones not funny ones like me XD) and says if we give you a bazillion apples and $25 can you make something and take a picture of it post it online and tell everyone it was easy and only cost you $1 to make -------> Mommy blogger says SURE - $25 is SOOO MUCH money to LIE to other mothers and I an going to call my brigade of soap watchers over with me so we can make working moms feel bad ------> 72 non stop painstaking hours later the picture of the one apple that worked is put on Pinterest. 

No offense to stay at home mommies. I used to be one of you. It’s the bitches above I hate. 

Step 2: Shop. This takes some creativity. You don’t want to get everything at Walmart, because clever price match ads or not, they do not have the cheapest price. Here is really how you can save the most money (at least around here) 

• Turkey + $25 of the canned/box food items - Regular Grocery store as the bird will be like $8 if you buy the other $25 worth of stuff there.

• Remainder of boxed/pre-packaged goods - Walmart - bring that ad to price match.

- Fresh Stuff - Farm stand down the road. 

Just don’t take your kids with you, for the love of all things holy and sacred. Think I’m joking? I bought candy corn and swedish fish for the pumpkin pie and seven cans of green beans for one casserole. And no mushroom soup. Or pie crust. No, I’m not going on Pinterest to make it from scratch. 

Step 3: Get a glass of wine. And to think, I was all worried about not drinking as much and here I am just a chugging away on which glass is this, two, three of wine that I started back at step one. Sure, you can cook tipsy, remember the Mexican Food entry? And FYI start with white wine while you are cooking, a German or Australian Riesling. Because, what you do, as any mom does, is start picking and nibbling and picking and nibbling and I have learned from experience. Red wine is harder to clean up when you barf. 

Step 4: The bird. We’re reading this blog to keep this simple, right? Buy a turkey bag. Google it. Right now. (Remember I am lazy you can find this yourself). All you do it thaw that gobbler, pull out the head and guts from inside (Don’t forget this, please - I was the laughing stock of about, well, every Thanksgiving for over five years because I forgot this important step when I was hosting my first dinner at 21 and you asshats are just lucky I invited you and still do so shut up). Don’t not just pop it in the oven as you will have Hot Roommate hovering all over it all day so you don’t get to enjoy that for once you both have a damn day off and don’t let Hot Roommate plus your Pseudo-brother deep fry it. Frying the turkey might be tasty but it is unhealthy and results in your sitting on the porch drinking your second bottle of wine hoping that they do not blow themselves up or launch the bird into orbit. On second thought, this wine is good.  Continue boys...

Step 5: The sides. Get the box. Really, because these Pinterest bitches keep going on and on about how good this recipe is that they got on Pinterest, how much fun it is to spend their lives cooking and wiping asses blah blah blah but really, people like Stove Top. They like canned gravy. Companies spend MILLIONS of dollars on making sure people will eat this. Go ahead, fuss, call the healthy eating and organic police on me but  do you really think the AMOUNT of what you are eating today is good, healthy or not? You CAN get fat for eating too much healthy food too genius. Check Wikipedia. Because if you think that making organic pie is a better alternative to regular pie, you are probably the type of person that thinks that Wikipedia is true. Which, though, in this case, it is. 

Step 6: Dessert.  BUY THEM. Seriously, there has got to be a Marching Band fundraiser around here somewhere!!?! I tried, I really did. I got a weight watchers recipe for filling, got low fat crust, made the filling, poured it in the crust, went to the bathroom and Adorable Nerd has poured candy corn into the damn thing. And it’s Wednesday and I’m not going back to Walmart- that is suicide. No, I’m NOT making a pie from scratch. I have already tried to explain to you that I am not Martha Stewart. Nor am I Michael Shanks who WHAT THE FRAK YOU ARE THE HOTTEST MAN ALIVE AND HILARIOUS AND COOK PIES FROM SCRATCH FOR YOUR FAMILY IT IS JUST NOT FAIR!! (finished, I promise - but really? Can this crush get worse?). I can’t bake, ok? I can make one type of Mexican cake and it takes hours and I’m too drunk to start right now. Sara Lee it is....

Step 7: Serving. So, when you got married your in-laws insisted that you get a set of china and crystal and take grandma’s silver set for special occasions just like this. Don’t waste the time or money or energy. You will use this ONCE, the same year you leave the head in the turkey and never again because you realize that this shit cannot go in the dishwasher and you hate dishes and you do not wear a blue dress. I have one word for you friends: Chinet. They even make it now with cute little printed turkeys. 

Step 8: The prayer. Ok, I have included this step because for me year after year it is the most awkward part of the meal. I’m atheist and have been for a while. I have had to hide it from my family for years but I think they know, hell, my uncle is a minister, so it is really awkward to sit there and listen to you go on and on thanking God for hot coffee and low costs manicures. If there was a God, I am pretty damn sure that he is spending more time worried about children getting maimed in third world countries and not worried about your car, but I digress. As a scout leader I have a prayer I would like to suggest, a real prayer, that I do with my scouts. 

Oh, the lord is good to me

And so I thank the lord

For giving me the things I need 

The sun and the rain and the appleseeds

The lord is good to me

Here is a link of Girl Scouts singing it.(Older Scouts: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJb83gM2Vpo&playnext=1&list=PL9C5E3C58A9D376CB&feature=results_main) 

 Girl Scouts includes all religions and creeds and I have NEVER heard of this offending or making anyone uncomfortable. EVER. Rant over. 

Step 9: The meal. Ok, so TV has taught us that we’re all supposed to gather around the table with a cute little centerpiece and a candle. Dude, this is 2012. First, no one can afford a house with a room like that anymore thanks to lazy people. Second, we have like 22 people at our Thanksgiving. 22! What do we do? We watch Christmas comedies. And quote them. Every year. Like word for word. And then we have the SAME conversation. Verbatim. 

And I enjoy every minute of it. EVERY MINUTE. 

Step 10: Clean up time. Now, if you took my advice it is Chinet to trash and leftover on other Chinet to send out of the door. But you didn’t. You never do unless I say start drinking at step one. So, get a beer and start washing. Just don’t start insulting your helpers, calling your men dish fairies and whatnot. Clean fast. Brew coffee. You need to sober up. 

Shopping starts in a few short hours....

Bring. It. On. 

How to Start the Christmas Season

How to Start the Christmas Season

Subtitle: I am usually forced to be in this. This year I decided to watch. That might have been a bad choice. 

Step 1: Leave early. Yes, the parade starts at 2, but since I live in a small town it is literally the only thing going on except for buy on get one free Starbucks, which I’d like to add is pretty damn amazing in an of itself. However, you would think that since the parade starts at 2:15 and the road (yes THE ROAD not ROADS) close at 2 you would have plently of time to get there if you leave at 1:20 and live fifteen minutes away.  It’s not. How in the hell did so many people move out here without my noticing. Who are you people? I went to high school with the whole town and I don’t know you? Who are you? Regardless, get out of my way. My mom is calling again. For the tenth time. I need wine already. 

Step 2: Wear clothes. First, I feel like this is a step in every other blog. Should I just write an entry on dressing properly? Like always?  Aren’t you cold? Ok, let’s just for a moment disregard the morons wearing t-shirts and shorts in forty degree weather, let’s just focus on these people. See them? Have you seen them on www.peoplepfwalmart.com . Yup, they live here, in my town.  Forget anything else you might have to say about their attire.  Dem bitches GOT to be cold. 

Step 3: Find a place to sit. After you have recovered from the site above, you need to find a place to sit.  Don’t let your mother pick, because she seems to think it is ok to sit by the gutter. It’s a hole, she insists. Yes mom, it is called a gutter and the kids will drop something down there and it will be the end of the world. Mom goes on to ask kids if they want to sit over the hole. It’s a gutter mom. Shut up, she says, I’ve been working all morning. Touche mom, touche. Carry on. 

Step 4: Listen to your mother talk to inanimate objects. Seriously, my mother is hysterical anyway, but to hear her after she has worked and running on little sleep is even better. First, we have the hole incident. Next, my mom starts yelling at people trying to drive into the parade like they can hear her. Then, once my Stargate jacket is recognized (No morons here I am not a veteran - does the GIGANTIC SG-1 patch not give it away!?!?) then my mother proceeds to tell every person on the curb we were sitting on that I drove 14 hours to hug Michael Shanks, that he wished me a Happy Birthday and doesn't do it that much anymore and wished me luck on my half marathon, switching in an instant to why the cops should not tell stupid people to move away from the train track because they deserve to be hit if  they are stupid. God I love her. 

Step 5: Then watch your mom tell off some yuppies. This entire entry has very quickly gone to enjoy a Christmas parade to my mom is the funniest woman alive. Hands down.  Lesson here is that if you show up to a small town parade in your Ralph Lauren sweaters and your $1000 stroller and party right in front of us my mom will TELL YOU OFF. And not with swears or anything, she will say the most downright mean things that you will not understand because you are not as smart as she is. So move. Because if you don’t she might actually switch to the swears. 

Step 6: The parade begins! Did I mention way back in step 1 to pack some blankets. Oops, but in my defense I thought it felt a lot warmer at home. It’s not. The kids are crawling into your lap while you try to film the parade for your grandparents and online friends, complaining of cold, wind, life, hunger, anything they can possibly whine about rather than watch the actual parade. 

Me: Sit up. Watch the parade. 

Kids: We’re bored. 

Me: Why?!? Here comes the band. 

Kids: They don’t have any candy. 

I give up on parenting. 

Step 7: Bring some kind of back-up to your cell phone. So, you are trying to be a good grand daughter and film the parade but of course your phone is a bing bonging and dying and bleeping and blooping and some of those hicks in your small town keep walking in front of you because since you are not shouldering a 10,000 pound VHS camcorder they are completely unaware that you are recording and when the person in their group with teeth notices you are filming they lean all over in your face mystified at how that contraption works. Long story short, just bring a camcorder.

Step 8: Back to mom. My cell phone battery died so I sadly did not get this on tape. About .2 seconds AFTER my phone gave me the hell no came the classic cars and my mom in RARE form. Here’s a snippet of the conversation (well, monologue really)

Mom: That’s not a mustang, I don’t know why Ford even allowed that car to be made. Will, do you see that? THAT is not a car. Now THAT, that’s a chevelle. THAT’s a car. I almost wrecked one of those drag racing on the boulevard. Yeah, woo hoo (yelling at drivers) THAT’s an engine, rev that up!!! No, keep driving, no one cares about that car, it shouldn’t be in the parade, (back to the drivers) that’s right I LOVE IT!! WHOO HOOO. They don’t make cars like that anymore. THAT’s a car, not that stupid mess they drive now, just LOOK at that. Brianne? Did your camera die? You have GOT to be filming this for your sister. 

Did I mention my mom is AWESOME?

Step 9: Get OUT of there. No really, you vaguely remember from the scout meeting where they discussed this (you were only half listening because your troop decided to skip this year) that they are like 115 floats and you’ve been sitting on a cold curb for over an hour, the kids are whining, you have forgotten your wallet and even though you are sitting on the curb in FRONT of the coffee shop you can’t buy a damn thing and THERE is Santa, yes kids, get up, these city folks who came to town to watch do not know that Santa is code for leave.  Run. If we make it to the car we might beat the train.

Step 10: End of the World beer.  Noticed I forgot the countdown, didn’t you? I didn’t it just got it’s own step. We have 32 days. Shock Top is now making End of the World Beer. Party City is carrying End of the World Decor. They know. They all know. 

Drink up now while you still can...