How to Survive Black Friday

How to Survive Black Friday

Subtitle: Me and mine have a system. Yes, a system. We get the TVs. We get the PCs. We get the toys. And we live to talk about it.

SubSubTitle: LOOK AT YOUR CART! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!! 

SubSubSubTitle: That’s too many towels...

Step 1: Case the joint.  The A #1 mistake made by Black Friday shoppers is just a’showin’ up and taking the map the little dude who is ushering you through to cart corral hands you. Nope, that ain’t gonna work. You NEED to know where in the hell you’re going in advance AND where the large empty space in the store is. Cuz dem bitches SNEAKY. They do shit like hide the towels near the TV’s. If you know the store you can determine that running through intimate apparel is the fastest back route to said elusive towels. 

Step 2:  Sort your ads at kitchen counter while husband tries to talk to you before coffee like he doesn't know better AND forces the kids to watch the parade who are consequently whining about not wanting to watch the parade and coming to try to steal your ads and bitching about what they want for Christmas which is NOT what they told you last week when you started looking up leaked info and store maps online and now they’re screaming because there IS a good song on the parade and your husband just sprayed counter cleaner on the Macy’s ad with the COUPON and AHHHH!!!!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Think about Daniel Jackson. Just think about Daniel Jackson. 

Step 3: Don’t forget your camera, because shit’s gonna pop off at the Walmart and not over what you think. Honestly, I did this for YEARS and NEVER EVER saw anything go down like what went down on TV and the ONE year I did not bring a camera and DID split up from one of my dearest friends and shopping buddy. That was the ONE year that some women started fighting over Boost Mobile phones. No lie. (And they did that this year too apparently! Do these phones sort laundry or something? House crack?) But I DID get to listen to it over the phone. CLASSIC.  This time, my iPhone is CHARGED and ready to go! 

Step 3A: Make sure there is room in the car. Really, because nothing sucks worse than having to stop shopping because you’re out of room in the car. You need as much room as possible for the towels. 

Step 4: Get in Line. This really doesn’t have to be as bad as it sounds. Now I have heard horror stories but my area is pretty good.  And we’re Southern, which means I’m striking up a conversation with the random woman behind me regaling her of tales of years past which include but are not limited to:

• Crawling between people’s legs when I was 16 to get my sister a Tickle Me Elmo
• Using walkie talkies pre-cell phones to divide and conquer
• Throwing Fisher Price toys in football like passes to my mother so she could dash to the line
• Gone to five stores to find the BatCave that came with the BONUS villains

Step 5: Bathroom Passes. I’m not even kidding here and as a teacher I find this to be HILARIOUS. Here is how it goes down: If you are purchasing something at a major retailer, like Walmart or Best Buy, you are going to have to complete step 4 HOURS in advance. If you want the 50” TV for $250 that goes on sale at 10, you will need to line up at 6, but never fear! Since you’re having to drink INSANE amounts of coffee chances are you’re going to have to pee (See Mr. Shanks we women have to pee EVERYWHERE so I LOVE you but I did stop on my 14 hour trek to pee! No worries! :) ). So what do they do? THEY GIVE YOU A BATHROOM PASS!!! They are pieces of paper with your name, the time you left the time and the time you have to be back lest your forfeit your place in line AND a store employee has to SIGN IT. JUST.LIKE.HIGH.SCHOOL. Honestly, I’m sad I didn’t buy a TV just to experience this. 

Step 6: Distraction. If you want a hard to get item this is a MUST. Because what’s going to happen is when you get to the bikes, which is the ONLY thing your kids seem to want this year, there is going to be a woman that is going to be letting everyone know who is getting what bike and how this is going to go down and blah blah blah lady are you still talking but then as she is asking you for the ten thousandth time what time it is she will notice that the crock pots that she also wanted are being opened early so she starts screaming and the people who were listening to her like she ACTUALLY had a say over who gets a bike are confused, so you just shove your way through, rip open the plastic and take your bike. 

I hope you got your crock pot. 

I’m at the register.

With the bike. 

Step 7: Why do you need that many towels?? No for real, the only thing my friend here wants is towels they are gone in seven minutes, seven minutes, like we’re talking HUNDREDS of towels are GONE. So on the way to the register you notice that they’re ALL in ONE cart. I’m not kidding! Is there something I don’t know? People are hoarding Twinkies, there’s a TV show about prepping for the end of the world and now towels. That’s it, it’s the Towelpocalpyse. We are in our last days. 

Step 8: Watch what you wear because without fail since I’m young looking (yay, even at 32 I get carded, for real not just carded because it’s a rule) some old person is going to think you work there and try to ask you questions. It will go down like this: 

Old Man: Excuse me, do you have any more crockpots in the back (On a side note, is this a last days sign as well?? Why does everyone want a crockpot??) 

Me: No sir, sorry, I don’t work here.

Old Man: (scanning me up and down) You don’t? 

Me: No sir, I don’t (scanning myself, as I wear black and gray almost EXCLUSIVELY - just like Mr. Canadian Hot Pants if I might add - and we’re in Target and their employees wear RED). 

Old Man: So, you don’t know if there are any more crockpots?

Pseudo-Brother: Walk away Brianne, just walk away. 

Step 8A: Side Target conversation. 

Me: Hey, wait. I need a toaster.

Pseudo-Brother: None of those toasters match any color scheme in your kitchen.

Me: I’m not gonna leave it on the counter, I’m gonna pull it out when I need it. 

Pseudo-Brother: Oh, in that case, get the red one.

Me: No, I want a yellow one.

Pseudo-Brother: That’s not yellow, that’s orange. 

Me: Yellow

PB: Orange

Me: Yellow

....... (continues for next 20 minutes) 

Step 9: Don’t give up. Just because it’s gone in one store doesn’t mean it’ll be gone in another. Like towels! In fact, you might be able to go back down to Walmart, that same Walmart where you tricked bitches into bikes and saw the Towelpocalpyse go down and there will be the towels, so you stop, try them on and decide they suck and the ones you found EVERY WHERE ELSE are better. I hope that man enjoys his scratchy towels that don’t cover his ass. We made sure to test in advance. 

Step 10: Coffee!!! I’m starting to worry about wine. No, seriously, I drink significantly less now as this blog soldiers on and significantly more coffee. Age? Nah, it’s probably the whole running thing. Whatever. Anyway, It’s about 8 a.m. when normal people might be rolling over to launch alarm clocks, but you, no you’re at the IHOP, being rescued. You haven’t slept in well over 24 hours. Your car should be full of shit that might actually not be for anyone else but you. You’ve been listening to hard core rap since 1 a.m. laughing about some of the morons that were smacking each other for a corded printer. But your kids actually slept tonight and you have to be a parent. 

Damn happy I scored a Keuring for $60. 

And the toaster is yellow. 

How to Spend your Money

How to Spend your Money

Subtitle: Is you frugal or just a cheapskate? Here’s a hint: If there is a reality show about you storing mustard, you’re the latter.  

85 days. What more can I say?? 

Step 1:  Have a legitimate source of income. This should not be the stamps. (See Food Stamp Entry ). Nor should you be doing any of the below other unacceptable sources of income, such as, but not limited to: hookin’ (for you non-Southerners that be prostitution), drug slinging, puppy mills (especially offensive if you breed anything that’s a  fake designer dog but it’s really just a mutt you jackass and it’s name ends in ‘poo’), stealin’ from yo kids in any way shape or form, begging on the street while you are obviously overweight, wearing a NEW Ralph Lauren shit and sitting in a fancy chair or selling your baby, anybodies baby. Period. Don’t sell your baby. 

Step 2: Make a budget. Wait, did you just ask me what a budget was? *Facepalm* A budget, according to Wikipedia (which I am STILL altering while drunk, please note the irony): “A budget (from old French baguette, purse) is a financial plan and a list of all planned expenses and revenues.’ Or in layman’s terms it’s a list of shit you have to pay BEFORE you drive 14 hours to meet Michael Shanks and then get home and are unable to pay your electric bill.... ok, I exaggerate, but yeah, let’s just say a new budget was September’s FIRST order of business. Damn expensive Hot Pants. 

Step 3: Save. Like really save. Not that Bank of America crap where if you spend $1.99 they put a penny in your savings account like in an economy where gas costs more than a boob job that would ever help kind of savings, but real savings.  You can set it up auto, you can drive to the bank, you can put it in jars in the back yard, but just hide it from yourself. Because if you don’t you end up sneaking a hundred year old Victorian couch into your house. Or an Egyptian poof. Both of which do not match Greek decor.  

Step 4: Coupons. Yes, you heard me, coupons. Now, I’m going to let you in on a little secret that you may never wanted to know. I wear Victoria’s Secret underwear. And I have never paid for a pair. Ever. Ever. Ever.  Because I sign up for every last internet deal, mailing list, free offer, FaceBook group, trashcan digging club for sunday inserts, etc. to get coupons and then bought a binder and some baseball card holders, organized them and sorted by category. Yeah yeah, make fun. I don’t pay for deodorant either. Or toothpaste. And I still avoid being on the stamps. 

Step 5:  NOT with a coupon. Now, while the above step condoned couponing in almost every form, here is a small chart describing situation in which one should NEVER use a coupon. 

Coupon No-No	Why the heck not?
A Date - esp a FIRST date	Because really, you look like a cheapskate. Women know that you are not Michael Shanks (sadly, damn you lucky Lexa) and you will never be, so we are watching your wallet.  Please flash appropriately.
The doctor	Go ahead and laugh but you think these don’t exist? They do. They are in the back of the yellow pages. Hot Roommate found them and tried to convince me it was like free underwear. Uh, no
The adult store	Although I am starting to re-evaluate this, because with the internet and private home parties, if you have the guts to not only GO to one of these shops and then pull out a coupon, dude, go for it.

Step 6:  Make a list. Check it twice. No seriously, because not only do you buy extra razors, well get them free but you get my point, every single week only to arrive home and figure out that you are really out of coffee creamer and you cannot survive without coffee!!! Or, you don’t make a list and walk through the Walmart, see every child you have taught for the past five years, chat, toss some items in the cart, agree to buy your kids sugar cereal even though school hypes them up enough naturally only to get your cart to the front and realize that you tossed in True Blood season 4 with your groceries to the tune of $50. Hot Roommate is already mad about how expensive your fan girl obsession is.  Put the DVD back. Very. Slowly. 

Step 7: Send the right person, or at least the right information.  I have a friend that once sent her husband with a piece of the tampon box to buy her tampons so he’d get the correct one. Gross you say? I say SHEER genius! But be careful, because there is always that small chance that the cashier thinks it is a coupon and reaches over yanking it form your husbands hand while he insists that it is not, I mean, it is embarrassing enough that the poor man is buying tampons but now a teenage girl is leaning over the counter arguing with you and pulling it out of your hands.  Let’s amend this step. Just go yourself. 

Step 8:  Avoid the Express. Please note the definite article here.  The Express, known to most simply as Express, is an American clothing store to which I have a sick sad addiction.  And they have a sick cycle that works something like this: Lure you into store with coupon because somehow they got you name from the Victoria Secret mailing list WHICH LEADS TO you going to the Express to use the coupon and realizing you need just $1 to make the coupon work WHICH LEADS TO you spending $100 more dollars because SOCKS don’t count in the deal WHICH LEADS TO opening an Express credit card because you can get the 15% off right now and other offers and you really cannot pay for what is here on the counters WHICH LEADS TO Express Next and MORE Coupons.  *Twitches* Help me......please....

Step 9: Balance your checkbook.  Yes, I know we all have those nifty little cards now, but if you are reading my blog chances are that you have heard of this little invention called “on-line banking.” Yes, math class and the SOL’s have made this all extra hard but what it boils down to is this.  Write down how much money you started with.  Subtract what you have spent. See if it matches the bank. If so, good job. If not, you’re screwed. Stop going to Starbucks and brew your own damn coffee. 

Step 10: Now, if you did this right you SHOULD have some extra cash, and therefore will not be purchasing wine in a box, from a 7-11 cold case or any beer that is sold as a Nascar race (sorry guys, but come on, you HAVE to admit you are not drinking at the races for taste).  Take your disposable income and trot your happy self to the wine store.  In Ashland. On the tracks. Tell him Bri sent you. He’ll hook ya up!