How To Do Thanksgiving Dinner

How To Do Thanksgiving Dinner

Subtitle: So in reality my mom does most of this but I kinda get roped in. Then I cook another for some of my closest friends. I am a glutton for punishment. 

Step 1: Plan your menu. Do not use Pinterest. Ok, I’m gonna be frank with you for a moment here, so sit down and grab a whiskey (disregard step 10).  Pinterest is a ploy. It is a ploy by companies and business to make you think that you have Martha Stewart talents when in reality you burn water. I really think it works something like this small flow chart below:

Walmart decides it has an abundance of apples this season --------> Contacts a mommy blogger (those annoying perfect life ones not funny ones like me XD) and says if we give you a bazillion apples and $25 can you make something and take a picture of it post it online and tell everyone it was easy and only cost you $1 to make -------> Mommy blogger says SURE - $25 is SOOO MUCH money to LIE to other mothers and I an going to call my brigade of soap watchers over with me so we can make working moms feel bad ------> 72 non stop painstaking hours later the picture of the one apple that worked is put on Pinterest. 

No offense to stay at home mommies. I used to be one of you. It’s the bitches above I hate. 

Step 2: Shop. This takes some creativity. You don’t want to get everything at Walmart, because clever price match ads or not, they do not have the cheapest price. Here is really how you can save the most money (at least around here) 

• Turkey + $25 of the canned/box food items - Regular Grocery store as the bird will be like $8 if you buy the other $25 worth of stuff there.

• Remainder of boxed/pre-packaged goods - Walmart - bring that ad to price match.

- Fresh Stuff - Farm stand down the road. 

Just don’t take your kids with you, for the love of all things holy and sacred. Think I’m joking? I bought candy corn and swedish fish for the pumpkin pie and seven cans of green beans for one casserole. And no mushroom soup. Or pie crust. No, I’m not going on Pinterest to make it from scratch. 

Step 3: Get a glass of wine. And to think, I was all worried about not drinking as much and here I am just a chugging away on which glass is this, two, three of wine that I started back at step one. Sure, you can cook tipsy, remember the Mexican Food entry? And FYI start with white wine while you are cooking, a German or Australian Riesling. Because, what you do, as any mom does, is start picking and nibbling and picking and nibbling and I have learned from experience. Red wine is harder to clean up when you barf. 

Step 4: The bird. We’re reading this blog to keep this simple, right? Buy a turkey bag. Google it. Right now. (Remember I am lazy you can find this yourself). All you do it thaw that gobbler, pull out the head and guts from inside (Don’t forget this, please - I was the laughing stock of about, well, every Thanksgiving for over five years because I forgot this important step when I was hosting my first dinner at 21 and you asshats are just lucky I invited you and still do so shut up). Don’t not just pop it in the oven as you will have Hot Roommate hovering all over it all day so you don’t get to enjoy that for once you both have a damn day off and don’t let Hot Roommate plus your Pseudo-brother deep fry it. Frying the turkey might be tasty but it is unhealthy and results in your sitting on the porch drinking your second bottle of wine hoping that they do not blow themselves up or launch the bird into orbit. On second thought, this wine is good.  Continue boys...

Step 5: The sides. Get the box. Really, because these Pinterest bitches keep going on and on about how good this recipe is that they got on Pinterest, how much fun it is to spend their lives cooking and wiping asses blah blah blah but really, people like Stove Top. They like canned gravy. Companies spend MILLIONS of dollars on making sure people will eat this. Go ahead, fuss, call the healthy eating and organic police on me but  do you really think the AMOUNT of what you are eating today is good, healthy or not? You CAN get fat for eating too much healthy food too genius. Check Wikipedia. Because if you think that making organic pie is a better alternative to regular pie, you are probably the type of person that thinks that Wikipedia is true. Which, though, in this case, it is. 

Step 6: Dessert.  BUY THEM. Seriously, there has got to be a Marching Band fundraiser around here somewhere!!?! I tried, I really did. I got a weight watchers recipe for filling, got low fat crust, made the filling, poured it in the crust, went to the bathroom and Adorable Nerd has poured candy corn into the damn thing. And it’s Wednesday and I’m not going back to Walmart- that is suicide. No, I’m NOT making a pie from scratch. I have already tried to explain to you that I am not Martha Stewart. Nor am I Michael Shanks who WHAT THE FRAK YOU ARE THE HOTTEST MAN ALIVE AND HILARIOUS AND COOK PIES FROM SCRATCH FOR YOUR FAMILY IT IS JUST NOT FAIR!! (finished, I promise - but really? Can this crush get worse?). I can’t bake, ok? I can make one type of Mexican cake and it takes hours and I’m too drunk to start right now. Sara Lee it is....

Step 7: Serving. So, when you got married your in-laws insisted that you get a set of china and crystal and take grandma’s silver set for special occasions just like this. Don’t waste the time or money or energy. You will use this ONCE, the same year you leave the head in the turkey and never again because you realize that this shit cannot go in the dishwasher and you hate dishes and you do not wear a blue dress. I have one word for you friends: Chinet. They even make it now with cute little printed turkeys. 

Step 8: The prayer. Ok, I have included this step because for me year after year it is the most awkward part of the meal. I’m atheist and have been for a while. I have had to hide it from my family for years but I think they know, hell, my uncle is a minister, so it is really awkward to sit there and listen to you go on and on thanking God for hot coffee and low costs manicures. If there was a God, I am pretty damn sure that he is spending more time worried about children getting maimed in third world countries and not worried about your car, but I digress. As a scout leader I have a prayer I would like to suggest, a real prayer, that I do with my scouts. 

Oh, the lord is good to me

And so I thank the lord

For giving me the things I need 

The sun and the rain and the appleseeds

The lord is good to me

Here is a link of Girl Scouts singing it.(Older Scouts: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJb83gM2Vpo&playnext=1&list=PL9C5E3C58A9D376CB&feature=results_main) 

 Girl Scouts includes all religions and creeds and I have NEVER heard of this offending or making anyone uncomfortable. EVER. Rant over. 

Step 9: The meal. Ok, so TV has taught us that we’re all supposed to gather around the table with a cute little centerpiece and a candle. Dude, this is 2012. First, no one can afford a house with a room like that anymore thanks to lazy people. Second, we have like 22 people at our Thanksgiving. 22! What do we do? We watch Christmas comedies. And quote them. Every year. Like word for word. And then we have the SAME conversation. Verbatim. 

And I enjoy every minute of it. EVERY MINUTE. 

Step 10: Clean up time. Now, if you took my advice it is Chinet to trash and leftover on other Chinet to send out of the door. But you didn’t. You never do unless I say start drinking at step one. So, get a beer and start washing. Just don’t start insulting your helpers, calling your men dish fairies and whatnot. Clean fast. Brew coffee. You need to sober up. 

Shopping starts in a few short hours....

Bring. It. On. 

How to cook Mexican Food

How to master the art of cooking Mexican Food

Subtitle: How to convince your significant other that you are so skilled in cooking hispanic food that there is no need to buy any other even though the real reason is because that is takes you long enough to cook one thing that you can’t cook anything else.

Special Note: Today’s entry came to be by request. If you have a particular topic you would like me to cover, please feel free to let me know! 

Step 1: Motivate yourself to learn.  There are a wide variety of ways to do this. Remember my Mexican godmother?  Having something to eat at her house was motivation number one, because the only thing non-Mexican she had were “Devil Dogs”, these Hostess Cakes that my godfather hid in the fridge and threatened my god sister and I’s lives if we ate them. Which we did. Every single time.  And got in trouble. Every single time.  So, in order not to starve or get into trouble, I developed a taste for hispanic cuisine. Then, if you my fine readers will recall from my introduction, I had a crush on my first Spanish teacher.  In addition to not wanting to starve, I learned early that fun + hot men + Spanish = reason to act Mexican.  Ergo, must learn to cook Mexican food.  

Step 2: Find a good resource to help you learn how to cook Mexican food.  DO NOT take one of those stupid cooking classes at the mall.  They quite literally teach you to make Taco Bell level food at Nordstrom prices.  And the people that teach it are not of hispanic decent.  Because no one ever made a platter of mole with a basil garnish. EVER.  Don’t try that crap.  You are not Gordon Ramsey. I suggest asking at a hispanic restaurant or finding yourself a godmother from Mexico. That worked for me.  

Step 2A: Or a get book.   If you will recall a book is a collection of paper bound between two firmer pieces of paper with words in the middle.  You used them before the internet was invented.  Sometimes they have pictures too.  Those are helpful. You can get the things called books at places called libraries, which are large buildings full of books.  For free.  Yes, there is a place where you can go and get things to borrow for free. Amazing huh?

Step 3: Once you have your resource, you will need ingredients.  I caution you about going to the high end grocery stores.  Not that I have a problem with organic food, I don’t and have become a bit of a health wacko in my 30’s, but not only do the high end places cost more, but their food is not authentically hispanic.  If there is a latino market in your area, go there. Don’t be afraid, they are SUPER nice.  Even you go in there with your little library book they will walk all over the place with you and help you find every last ingredient. Granted, they might laugh that a white woman (in my case) is trying to play hispanic AFTER you leave the store, but rest assured they will be super nice while you are there.  IF there is no hispanic food store in your area, I recommend the latino aisle at Food Lion or Walmart.  They have an excellent selection at low prices! (See I need more readers, I could get paid for this kind of press... sigh)  

Step 4: Ingredients in bags, on counter and in fridge next you will need the proper supplies: Paella pan from Williams Sonoma, empanada shapers from Tupperware, a tortilla press from Bed, Bath and Beyond, mortar and pestle from Macy’s... are you writing this down? If you are engaged, you need to print this step and take it with you to register for gifts. I’ll wait while you hit print.  (Cute Mexican restaurant music plays..... Bri is dancing around the computer waiting for you to hit print....music changes to Pit Bull.....Bri begins to dance imagining dancing with Mr. Hot Canadian Pants Shanks....) What! Oh, sorry, I got a little caught up there for a moment.  You printed that list? I was joking about that.  Have you not caught onto my humor yet? All you really need is a wine glass and your normal kitchen stuff. Pour yourself a glass of Spanish wine and prepare to be amazed.  

Step 5: Cook.  Drink.  Cook. Drink. Cook. Drink. Dook. Crink. Dook. Crink.  Woah, woah there, slow down with the drink part amigo/a!!! I forgot to caution you in an earlier step that hispanic food is SPICY. If you don’t slow down on that Spanish wine things are going to go real bad, real fast, like significant other running to the bathroom like a Looney Toons character bad.  Place the glass over on the counter.  Step away from the glass.  That’s a good cocinero/a, bien, no te preocupes, Bri te arreglará....

Step 6: Now that your food is cooking and you are sobering up (Someone with better editing skills than I needs to go back up to like Step 3 and instruct you guys to brew some coffee; I apologize, I should have anticipated this happening) you need to multitask.  This is the reason by the way that in many hispanic families the women do the cooking, because we are better multitaskers.  You need to watch this food like I watch Michael Shanks on Twitter (thanks to my husband for that one - I have now upped the ante - twice in one post.  Shanks, if you ever read this, I am really kidding honey I hope you know...) while you begin to prepare your layout.  Hispanic food is MESSY and YUMMY so I recommend big, deep plates.  You will also need a bowl for chips and salsa, that is a given.  In fact, if you promise to go ahead and start nibbling the chips and salsa you may have that glass of wine back.  

Step 7:  Plate that shiznit.  I suggest, for presentation purposes only and to satisfy any urge you might have to be Rachel Ray, placing the main course in the center and the sides surrounding it.  Or, if you are married to a real man, like I am, once he smells something he’s going to be hovering over you like a starving jackal anyway, so you just slap whatever on the nearest dish and toss it onto the counter to get him the hell out of your work space.  Either way, at least try to get it onto a dish, if not for any other reason than to just have space for hot sauce.  Because no hispanic dish is complete without hot sauce.  

Step 8: Watch significant other carefully while they eat.  This is VITAL to making sure that you never have to cook another other cuisine again.  Make note of the things that he/she likes about the meal and if they do not like something make some BS excuse about the man at the mercado selling you the wrong thing.  They need to like this meal, a lot.  

Step 9: Oh CRAP!! You forgot dessert!! What, me? I told you this is an ADVICE column, not a how to book.  Oh, the title of the blog? Yeah, that, whatever.  Quick - here’s a little secret.  Fried Ice-Cream.  IT’S NOT MEXICAN! IT’S NOT ANYTHING!! Total BS. But, you can make it really quick.  Run to the freezer and get ice cream.  Scoop two quick little scoops into a bowl and cover with honey.  Let the honey soak all around and quickly fry a tortilla.  While that is frying, and don’t forget you need to flip it, drizzle either Frosted Flakes or Rice Krispies over the honeyed ice cream.  I am not kidding.  Order it next time you eat at your favorite Mexican establishment, that is ALL IT IS!! Remove fried tortilla from frying pan, plate it and drop your ice cream/honey/breakfast cereal concoction onto the tortilla.  Shoot whipped cream on top.  Serve to spouse.  They will be amazed.  Hide cereal boxes.  

Step 10: You may now have your wine back if you have not already disregarded my instructions.  Relish in your success; you will be eating tacos for the rest of your natural life.