How to be a Redneck

How to be a Redneck 

Subtitle: A Primer for those of us who are members of the Upper Middle Class. To not follow these rules makes you a Fake Yuppie Redneck. And EVERYBODY is making fun of them.....

Step 1: Move to a rural area. By rural, I mean, the country. The real country.  If you can make it to a 711 in less than 15 minutes, you’re not in the country.  If you have the option of any television that does not involve rabbit ears or a gigantic satellite dish, you’re not in the country.  If there is not a chance that you will be late to work because of the tractor, you’re not in the country.  Oh, and if the place you life has an entrance sign and a proper name, rather than a brown private road sign with the last name of one of  the three families that dominate the area  :-) (LOVE YOU GUYS) then you’re not in the country.  Move to the country. 

Step 2: Buy a truck. A real truck.  If it has the word hybrid anywhere in it’s title, it’s not a truck.  Your truck needs to weigh at least 1/2 a ton (sorry, no idea of this metric friends) sit up high enough where you actually have to climb to get into it and either come pre-dinged up OR be the kind of truck that you are not afraid to ding.  You need all of this horsepower and size because you are going to be hauling critters (yeah, critters, you will need to start learning these words), taking your trash to the dump (no garbage pick-up out here, unless you are one of THOSE people) and picking up mulch (because we do our own landscaping).  Oh, and your wife likes them. She looks hot in a big truck. And we like it when the wife is happy. 

Step 3: Buy a gun. Now, before you go getting your panties in a twist, you NEED a gun.  Remember my country livin’ entry? Well, thems critters got the rabies and when they waltz their happy asses onto your porch like they own the place you will need to blast them off of the planet.  I am not advocating killing innocent creatures, but remember that there is no cure for the rabies and these critters will bite you.  So, you need a gun. And not a pansy gun either.  You need a GUN, a REAL gun....

THIS is a gun: 

(Link if pic does not work: CLICK HERE)

This is NOT a gun: 

 (Link if picture is busted - scroll down : CLICK HERE) 

Honestly,  the fact someone made a pink gun like we needed it all pretty-fied is just damn outright insulting.  Buy a real gun. Go to Green Top. 

Step 4: Get a hunting license. And a fishing license.  In the country, we rednecks hunt.  Now, fake rednecks hunt for fun.  They spend crazy amounts of money on supplies and tree tents and decoys, so much so that real rednecks, who just tote a igloo cooler of beer into the woods and wait, die laughing at them.  Then, these impostors kill the animal, get there picture taken with it and stuff it.  Yes, my real redneck friends, they don’t even EAT IT! What a waste!! That’s good eatin’.  Nothing better than deer jerky or a good venison rump roast.  You will need to get this license(s) to stock your fridge with your winter meat.  Because only yuppies don’t keep venison in the freezer.  Haha, even me. I usually have at LEAST one package of it. No joke. 

Step 5: Invest in duct tape. Duct tape can fix anything and is socially acceptable in any situation.  Broken pipe under the house (yes, we fix those ourselves), duct tape.  Dog pen falling apart (yes, we keep outdoor dogs, not because we are animal abusers, but because WE are the ones caring enough to take in the ANIMALS you think it is cute to release like ‘Born Free’), duct tape.  Bumper falling off your truck cuz you got the urge to take that baby through a stroll in the mud (Think you’ll never get the urge. You will.  Unless you didn’t listen to me and bought one of those stupid trucks that you’re afraid to get dirty), duct tape. It is the most versatile tool that you will have in your arsenal and it even comes in cute colors now: http://www.duckbrand.com/Products/duck-tape.aspx

Oh! by the way.  Anyone make these? I would like a cute duck tape wallet.  Neon pink or yellow.  Thanks! 

Step 6: Embrace redneck culture. Listen to country music.  But to be REAL country, you have to listen enough to know the words and sing along. Start buying clothing in camo or blaze orange.  But it doesn’t count as Redneck if you keep it neat and tidy and hole free.  Or if it ever goes to the dry cleaners.  In Redneck, dry cleaning means you shook it out on the porch.  Spend time at the local Fasmart. See, OUR Fasmarts have little “cafes” but it is really a place where you grab a big ole canned sweet tea and a corn dog and talk about how little rain we’ve gotten this year.  Gotta try that one too.  And use the word ya’ll. A lot.  Honestly, you might think it’s silly but it is hand to God one of the most used words in my entire vocabulary, no matter how much I try to cover up my redneckedness.  Ya’ll know what I mean?

Step 7: Do everything slow. While we are embracing the redneck culture, you need to realize that you have to slow things down.  Everything.  Your speech, your movement, your driving.  Slow down everything.  Walking across your living room should take a full five minutes, not counting if you stop to ponder whether or not you want a Bud or a Coors one you make it to the kitchen.  Checking out at the grocery store should take at least 15 minutes for every twenty or so items as you pull each of them from the cart and discuss with the cashier why you got it, how good the price was and how you don’t understand those organic food eating yuppies. However, I caution you, this slo-mo way of life does not mean the rednecks are dumber. At all.  They just like to take their time to smell the roses so to speak.  You’d better not call them dumb, especially because they create the food supply.  Yeah, that’s how science works, they grow the food.  We should be nice and patient for the people that grow the food. 

Step 8: Buy a boat.  If you have a boat it must go in the water. Not in your driveway. Because that makes you look like an asshat. A fake wannabe move back to the city because you look so stupid out there moving that dumb thing around that other people that live near me ask if you are as snotty as you appear and I have to answer yes and pray everyday that you will be surrounded by coyotes over by your precious matching shed and they will keep you trapped until you dehydrate and start seeing signs from the heavens that you need to move.  Oh yeah, and your house looks like a funeral home.  You know, if you just USED the boat, even if you aren’t fishing, just docked it at the Lake that is NEARBY, I might not think you were such a moron.  But alas, there will always be phonies.  You are one of them...

Step 9: Refer to anyone in your former life as a Damn Yankee. Even if they are not.  We Southerners are still fighting the war and fighting it hard (Don’t get mad guys, you know it’s true.... even though we are WELL over the slavery thing and to be honest have embraced African American culture.... we’re still kinda peeved they came down and kicked our butts...and it doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon...). And you’ve gotta make sure that you are saying it right, it is NOT pronounced Damn Yankee, it is more like dAmn (strong ‘a’ like when a baby goes WAAAA) Yan-kay (where the ‘ee” is more of an ‘a’) and it needs to be one word, muttered under your breath “dAmnYankay.”  Try it a few times.  There you go! You got it! It really does complete the transformation... funniest moment of my life when I first heard Hot Roommate refer to someone else as a “dAmnYankay.” It was so funny I wanted to make it my ringtone, but he won’t let me record it.  Asshat.

Step 10: Forget the wine drink the shine! (OMA - I just invented a NEW bumper sticker- get it made people get on it!). Remember that drinking moonshine not only tastes great but supports a local business and before we became a redneck remember we were all about supporting local business. (And actually, rednecks are AMAZINGLY supportive of local business - we buy from veggie stands people and NOT Whole Foods!). You need to fully support moonshine and those wonderful runners that bring it to us like its smack dab in the middle of prohibition.  See how fun the whole culture is! Ok Mr. Shanks, I hope to Athena your PR person directs you to this one.  You are cordially invited to the country to enjoy some moonshine and get cultured, southern style.  It’ll be a blast. I promise.  If not, well, the moonshine can fix that too.  

How to Know When You are Old

How to Know When You are Old

Subtitle: This is an advanced warning system so it doesn’t bite you in the ass.  Like when you are trying to buy that red Porche that is WAY out of your budget or hit on the cute college guys at the Chili’s.  Yeah, lets avoid that, shall we? 

Indicator 1: It’s Friday.  You’re out of milk.  You cannot wait. You drive to the grocery store only to have to dodge 6 or 8 trucks full of teens hanging out in the parking lot.  Your first thought - their loud yelling is obnoxious.  Your second thought - they should really kill the engine, it’s a waste of gas.  Your third thought - Five years ago a beer would have done just fine in place of the milk.  

Indicator 2: You meet up with an old college buddy for dinner.  Two hot girls (or guys) walk by.  You both look and then look back at each other. You smile at your friend and ask “So, what’s your insurance deductible?” 

Indicator 3: Go out for drinks with your significant other.  Order a margarita with dinner, but order only one once you find out it is A) more expensive than your meal and B)it is more economical to just BUY margarita at the liquor store.  Still gag over check total when it comes and vow to only ever drink in a restaurant it if is Happy Hour. 

Indicator 4: At the mall with your girlfriends.  Walk by store window where a group of college aged girls are squealing over a neon orange shirt that is practically see through with a neon yellow bra worn under it.  Casually, you waltz over like you are interested and look at the tag. $69.50.  Hell no for two reasons.  One, you no longer care about fashion trends, at this point you buy what ever fits and/or two, you are only buying things from whatever store will give you a coupon.  Which is why I have so many cute clothes from Express. They are cheap and make it look like I care.  (Damn - I am such a liar on this step LOL)

Indicator 5: You get in the car to head to the local theme park only to momentarily panic because you cannot find you sunglasses. Because, you see, now that you are old, you wear sunglasses because you need them and not to look cool. And because there is no way in hell you can see the road to drive without them. Wait a damn second kids, do you want to die? Didn’t think so. There, they are, let’s get going. 

Indicator 6: Now, while we are at the theme park, let’s talk about tanning, because if you’re old (here’s a freebie indicator) you don’t have time to jaunt to the beach every weekend unless you live there, so you think taking your kids to the theme park becomes your tanning bed because A) there is no one to watch your kids while you tan and those “nice” ladies at the tanning salon do not let you bring them in with you B)tanning costs money and the theme park is free and C) you are worried about skin cancer and for some reason “accidentally” getting a tan doesn’t count.  

Indicator 7: Still at the theme park. Anyone figured out that King’s Dominion makes me feel like a dinosaur? And yet I keep going back.  So, let’s venture to the line of the highest coaster at the park, the Intimidator and get excited that they have child swap. (That’s when your kids go through the line with you and one parent rides and takes them when they get back so second parent can ride). Get excited!! Old.  Then, get into line and realize you can ride together (yay) because you taught a kid in the line who said they will watch the kids. Older. Ride said ride and get out of car, staggering because of the G-force. Oldest.  

Indicator 8: You start to appreciate people’s hotness based on their brains. Turn on the TV. See hot guys on TV.  Girlfriends over at house drooling.  You roll your eyes. They ask who do YOU think is hot.  You pull up Daniel Jackson on your computer.  Because he wears glasses. Speaks 23 languages. Is intelligent and sensitive. And the hot actor that plays him almost always plays smart men.  THAT is hot.  Guess what? You’re old.  

Indicator 9: You ask the same girlfriends to leave when Sookie is over at 10 because you are tired and have to get up early.  Nuff said.  

Indicator 10: Wine, and actually alcohol consumption in general, becomes about quality and not quantity.  Most of the wine you start to buy can no longer be purchased at the grocery store, instead has to be purchased at the boutique wine shop in town.  And it has funny names you cannot pronounce, so you get to know that wine shop owner and have him keep the list for you.  Because you’re old, and old people cannot remember anything. 

How to Spot Stupid

How to Spot Stupid

Subtitle: We really shouldn’t need instructions on how to do this, but I needed to amuse myself.  

Step 1:  What is stupid? Time for the teacher to play school.  I checked Wikipedia first, in the high hopes that drunk nerds had been at it this weekend, but alas they simply say “A lack of intelligence or common sense.”  Which just about does it? Ok, so lack of intelligence I am ok with because we are created as different people.  I rock at languages and math, but I can’t open a salsa jar without Hot Roommate to save my life.  That’s called diversity (oooo... I feel another post coming on...). It is the lack of common sense we shall tackle in this entry.  

Step 2:  Basic Stupid.  This is the ‘duh’ kinda stupid.  We are all guilty of this at times.  Basic stupid, for one example, is when you buy shit you can’t afford, i.e you are buying mac and cheese in a box with powdered cheese and whining about the cost of groceries and then go out and buy a Coach bag. While on the stamps.  Basic stupid is like how I have lost my running shoes somewhere and I have NO CLUE WHERE THEY ARE AND HAVE TO USE MY BACK-UP SHOES (Don’t even try to upgrade this to a higher level of stupid, I will smack you).  Basic stupid is forgivable stupid and gives us a good chuckle among friends.  Or funny things to tweet about ;-)

Step 3: Intermediate Stupid. This is the kind of stupid that does not cause you physical harm but can result in other kinds of damage to your character.  You’re intermediate stupid if you pawn your jewelry to get your man outta jail.  That’s man-needy, and stupid.  Intermediate stupid can also include doing things like driving into a concrete post while trying to navigate DC (uh, Hot Roommate) or leaping over a piece of furniture like you are a gazelle (uh, ok, me...) and having to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance, or agreeing to meet a strange man you met on the internet, alone, when he comes to your college campus, with his creepy friends and you have to call in a panic one of your sane friends (the stupid nice one who will not hang up on you) who was just trying to enjoy a bowl of rice and some crappy TV... (let’s see which of my old friends remembers THAT story....).  Well, that one might be more of a step 4...

Step 4: Advanced Stupid. This is the kinda of stupid that could result in your death but unfortunately does not. Emphasis on unfortunately.  This kinda stupid we reserve for those lucky people that try to get themselves killed but it just doesn’t work. Case in point, I live in a small railroad town (Ok, close to one, does that really matter right now?).  Now, my friends, what does one do when you approach the train tracks when the cross arms are down and the lights are blinking? If you answered STOP then you are NOT Advanced Stupid.  Apparently, there are a large number of people in my town who think that driving around them crazy fast and pointing at the oncoming train is the proper course of action. This is advanced stupid and they should be squished.  But they never are... which honestly makes me think God likes to mess with smart people.

Step 5: Stupid for the Highly Gifted. It’s in this one that you die.  The Darwin awards are based around this kind of stupid.  In case you were not aware of the Darwin awards, here is a link: http://www.darwinawards.com/  . It is GREAT fun and a nice way to feel evolutionarily superior in comparison to our fellow humans.  Stupid for the highly gifted is also the kind of stupid that frequently makes the news.  I don’t know about you guys, but my local news has a story almost every night about someone dying because they were doing something they just plain should not have even tried: climbing a construction crane drunk, running across the interstate, deciding to have a reality TV moment with your baby-daddy other baby-mama.  Now, I am not saying that death is funny, what I am saying is that if the company you keep engages in situations in which one may die, this is a special kind of stupid and should be avoided.  You need to get better friends. 

Step 6: Dealing with Stupid. Now, I would first like to refer you to a previous post, 5/7/12, which if you all will recall was based on not beating the living crap out of somebody. That is the first thing you need to remember because we like to stay out of jail. (Unless of course it is Canadian jail because we threw ourselves at Michael Shanks - THAT would be totally worth it!). Honestly there are two ways to handle stupid a) “Ignore” it (and by ignore it, I mean log it into your memory bank for later blogs) and b) use it.  Now, I could waste space telling you how to ignore stupid, which in short involves you imagining all stupid people are jesters there for your entertainment as you rule the country with an Iron Fist (I seem to have a thing with power, don’t I?) but, I won’t. Just keep going and don’t get depressed just yet and turn to the wine. 

Step 7: Using Stupid. This is my favorite past-time.  The best part about stupid people is the fact that they will fall for anything. Anything.  We can use the stupid dishonestly (i.e. slipping in coupons for $1 off of 2 when you are getting the 2 on buy one get one free) or fast talking the police that stop you for a speeding ticket (crying, ranting about your children, your mother, how some guy in a truck flew buy you and just totally confusing them) or just plain getting other people to do your work for you (i.e. claiming that even though you have a REAL master’s degree and not one of those fake ones, you cannot figure out how to fill out a simple form).  If we’ve gotta live with it then we might as well take advantage of it, right? 

Step 8: Stupid and it’s place in Sarcasm. Now, for those of you who are just annoyed by stupid, see it as an “impediment” to life, I would like to note the beneficial correlation between stupid and sarcasm. First, and obviously, stupid people generally do not understand sarcasm, and watching them try figure out what you really meant or laughing at the wrong time because they didn’t get it in and of itself is amusing. But however, we all forget that without stupid people we wouldn't have inspiration for sarcasm in the first place, right? Personally, I just carry around my iPhone and keep a voice memo ongoing for when I get stupid people inspiration.

Step 9: Hope for the future. There’s none.  Between the government (I mean, come on, regardless of how you vote do any of you have any idea what in the hell either political party here in the US really stands for anymore?) and the entire state of New Jersey (At least according to TV - But come on - my sister-in-law comes from there and she is the nicest person ever, so TV can’t be right, can they!? Please say no...) and the fact that bureaucrats have taken over our schools (Both at home and abroad) to the point where teachers (Who, guess what? actually KNOW what they are doing) are not allowed to teach anymore, we’re kinda screwed.  Unless, you know, we start that Revolution thingy I talked about some posts ago.  If not, I suggest you watch the film Idiocracy to prepare yourself.  Oh and try to buy Detroit. I keep looking for it to go up for sale on Ebay so my friends and I can buy it and create our own country ;p where stupid people are only allowed in for entertainment purposes. 

Step 10: Drink wine (Spanish of course).  Because in general, people are just freakin STUPID.  It’s just better to stay slightly buzzed. Dull the pain, ya know? 

Blog Bonus!! 

Dialog of stupid.... this edition brought to you by HardCore Pawn

Dialog 1: 

“I didn’t get no gold card!!” - customer

“Yes you did” - Ashley

“No I didn’t” - customer

“Yes you did” - Ashley

“No I didn’t” - customer

“Yes you did” - Ashley

“No I didn’t” - customer

Mature huh? 

Dialog 2: 

“Ma’am, we don’t buy printers out of the box.” - employee

“Well, ya gonna buy this printer!!” - customer

“Ma’am, it is policy, we can’t buy it.” - employee

“What, you don’t think it works?” - customer

Man signaling security as women rants incoherently. 

“Who you callin’!?! Who you callin’!?! I don’t care who you call; you can call him, you can call the president!” - customer

Because Obama doesn’t have enough to do...

Dialog 3

“I came to the pawn shop because I got divorced and I pawned my wedding ring.” - customer

“What brings you in today?” - employee

“Well, I need to get it out of pawn because I don’t want to lose my wedding ring.” - customer

(Ok.....) 

“And I need to pee” - customer

“Ma’am we don’t have a public bathroom.” - employee

“What you mean we don’t have a public bathroom?? Imma gonna cop a squat outside!!”  - customer

I hope you have enjoyed this edition of REALLY THIS IS WHAT AMERICAN TV IS?!?!?!

XOXO Bri