How to Celebrate Halloween

How to Celebrate Halloween

Subtitle: I suggest a baby in a pumpkin sleeper. Cute as hell. 

50 days. We’ll get to that later. 

Step 1: Decorate.  Now, I know that there are no guidelines a la Chevy Chase as to how to decorate, so we can be pretty liberal here. We have some cute things, but they’re pretty simple, but we live in the country and only our friends really get to see it. However, were I to live in a neighborhood I would strive to scare the living hell out of every child within a five mile radius for the entire month. Just making this clear for when I can convince Hot Roommate to move me out of the boondocks and back to civilization. 

Step 2: The Pumpkin Patch. I think I covered most of this last week, but just in case you missed that entry, here’s a summary in a nut shell.

1. Bitches think it’s Miss America
2. Lines are long and lead to no where
3. Bugs like pumpkins

That pretty much does it I think. 

Step 3: Dance the Thriller. No, for real, now that I CAN dance the Thriller I feel that everyone should be required to watch the video and learn the dance.  Forget the fact that the song is good, but the dance is cool a hell! And with all of the bad press out there concerning zombies and their mobility issues, I think that to learn the Thriller would be a positive step in the direction of promoting Zombie equality. After all, in 50 days this planet’s gonna be theirs anyway. 

Step 4: Haunted Houses/Trails/Etc. These are a must do for Halloween and I as write this step I’m realizing that this should have probably gotten an entry all of it’s own but we’re going to need to be moving on to elections and turkeys so I’m just gonna have to deal. So here are just some general tips instead:

1. Do not take your kid sister to a haunted hayride. She is evil and once she hears from a friend that you should never tell the creepy guys leading the wagon your name guess what she is going to do??? Give the guy YOUR name!!! So then, once the ride starts EVERY FRAKKIN monster in the damn thing leaps onto the wagon and is in YOUR face asking “Bri are you scared yet??” and you CANNOT Black Belt them.  Don’t take her. 
2. But, you can’t take friends from high school either because they either SHOVE you to the front while THEY walk behind as everything jumps out at YOU OR they rush ahead leaving you with two elementary aged boys who are pulling you INTO THE FLOOR as the scary zombie looking thing jumps out of a bathroom stall at you, which courtesy of Stephen King and Tim Curry is the most HORRIFYING experience that you can imagine. And you STILL CANNOT Black Belt them. Don’t take him either. 
3. And friends from work? Don’t take them either. They will tell you that there are NO CLOWNS, assure you, tell you repeatedly and then halfway through the trail you come upon a house, full of clowns with CHAINSAWS. That you CANNOT Black Belt. Nope, co-workers out. 
4. Hot Roommate won’t go. Scratch that. 
5. I have yet to kidnap Michael Shanks. No luck there either. 
6. Honestly, it’s best we just don’t go 

Step 5: Pick a costume. Ok, everyone does French maid, Vampire, Zombie, BLEH - so cliche (unless you can do cool crap like zippers on your face in which case, carry on). Pick something ORIGINAL, a TV show, a Movie, something sarcastic (One of my co-workers took a little black dress and safety pinned 50 different “shades of grey” onto the dress - see - clever). However, pick something your kids don’t have to explain, even if your photo is so frakkin cool that you’re gonna make it your Christmas Card (Don’t believe me? Check your mailbox). Because nothing says confusion like when your seven year old has to explain what his costume is, and he knows, because he watches the show, and the person answering the door gives you that look that says “Wait until you leave, I am calling child services.” 

Step 6: Survive the last days. You people think I’m kidding, but when all of you are showing up in Beaverdam at my front door we’re gonna see who’s laughing. (There will be a supply list of things you’ll need to bring before you’re allowed entry - stay tuned). Now, this year Hurricane Sandy almost rained, literally, on our parade and poor New York and New Jersey really got hit and I feel so awful for them, but Richmond? Well, they hyped us and hyped us and gas stations ran out of gas, grocery stores ran out of food, there were accidents, traffic, insanity, schools closed, I actually bought Twinkies!! And nothing. Last Days Fail. 

Step 7: Pick your neighborhood. Now I’ve always lived in the country, so when we were kids we would drive into town to the rich neighborhood because they would give out whole candy bars. However, as time passed, they got wise to us and started putting these codes on their doors and such that us poor dumb country folk didn’t understand. So we tried the railroad tracks in Ashland and yeah, that was a cattle call nightmare. Don’t do that. Try your kind friends that just had a baby and convince them they need to take her our for her first Halloween. Then trick or treat THIER neighborhood.  Genius! 

Step 8: Trick or Treat. It’s not dark yet. It’s not dark yet. Uh, we’re leaving, because it’s dark, turn off the TV. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run.  See why I said not to run.  Say thank you. In English. Don’t run. Put your coat on. Sweetie, these people do not know who Carl is, the coat does not matter. Put the coat on. Are you coming? What are you doing? Stop eating the Candy!!! Do not throw that wrapper on the street!!! How far are we from the car honey?

Step 9: Dinner. Because somehow the past six hours have evaporated like three shots of a Zat gun (I HAD to find a way to fit Daniel Jackson in here twice :P ) you have accidentally forgotten to feed your children. Frantically go to Wendy’s to see that every other parent in central Virginia is having the same idea about the same Wendy’s. No honey, we’re not going in there because you heard they’re giving away free Frosties on the radio that is a mad house. Wait! Stop!! Turn left! Little Caesars!! They have $5 pizza and no one is there! And then proceed to pass pizza boxes around the car. With sodas. Because all thoughts of health at this point should just be out the window. 

Step 10: DRINK. But not Spanish wine because it is Wednesday and you have to work, kids go to bed, the kids have to go to school, yes you go to bed, you have to pay bills, I am not kidding go to bed, write this blog, go to bed I am trying to do this writing shit to send YOUR asses to college, clean things up, why are you not in bed!?!? Scratch coke, where’s my wine? 

How to go to the Pumpkin Patch

How to go to the Pumpkin Patch

Subtitle: When in the hell did this become a fashion show? 

61 days left. You might want to get some extra. Punkin’s good eatin’ 

Step 1: Select a time.  Now, visiting the pumpkin patch is one of parentings most beloved traditions and a must do if you have kids under 10. However, since so many people indulge in the tradition as well, you need to realize that it will be crowded so pick a good day and time. As a Southern Atheist, I figured Sunday would be my best best because all of my fellow Bible belters are churching it up. Arrive at 10 a.m. What.The.Hell. WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE HERE?? So, it’s alright to harass my child about NOT going to church and believing in God but YOU can skip your weekly cleansing to pick pumpkins. Hypocrites....

Step 2: Dress Appropriately.  This is a pumpkin patch.  That means that you park in a muddy field, walk ten thousand miles through the depths of Mordor, stand in line for hours, climb onto a dirty wagon full of hay and traipse through rows and rows of live plants. Do NOT wear heels. Or thin blouses. Or hooker boots. Or white leggings. Or jeans that don’t cover your butt and I have to stare at your crack the entire hayride (which is not cute, at all) Because not only are you going to get dirty, but I am standing here wearing my comfy jeans with my iPhone WAITING to take a picture for my blog. 

Step 3: Do NOT bring your dog. Now, I like animals as much as the next person, but this place is packed and not only does your pooch NOT know how to use the toilet but I have no idea it if’s friendly or not, what your definition of friendly is and if it has ever been around children. Oh, yeah, then it breaks away and runs off and you are acting like we should catch the damn thing. I will, too, for the dog’s sake, but for yours... I hope you fall in the mud in the pursuit. 

Step 4: Don’t forget a knife. See my friends, this is a pumpkin patch, not a pumpkin stand. These things are still attached to the vines, which are attached to the ground. Now sure, you can just pick up the pumpkin and twist, but sometimes the damn thing is stubborn and you need to reach for the vine to pull it off. That bitch is PRICKLY! Like cute you prickly! Listen to MEEE!! Find don’t, yes, yep, I hear you swearing over there. And you just dropped your pumpkin. And it busted. And shot pumpkin shit. All over your white jeans. 

Step 5: Remember, bugs like plants. Ok, so, let’s pretend for a moment that you read step four, and leaned over, cutting the stem to that biggun like you should have. Look before you lift. Not only might your prize be slightly rotted (it is LAYING on the ground) but it is a fruit. And bugs like fruit. A lot. So don’t be surprised if you pick up yo gourd from the ground and you get attacked by killer bees. Because Michael Shanks isn’t gonna be there to help you. (HA!!! LOOK!! I FIT HIM IN THIS TOO!!! I AM A MASTER!!!) 

Step 6: Practice getting your pumpkins home. Practice? What in the hell is Bri talking about? Ok, look, to make sure that they don’t have a bazillion rotting pieces of killer wasp fodder (although, if that MAKES him come, I am all for this) most patches offer an all you can carry special. Which, results in, as expected, men like Hot Roommate grunting and making other ape-like noises declaring they can carry more pumpkins than the next dad. But you NEED to READ the fine print.  Your dear knight in shining armor doesn’t just have to hold these pumpkins, he had to take THREE steps. So practice quick and careful loading (let the woman do this, just saying), the three steps and the unload. Trust me. If not, don’t come crying to me when the Incredible Hulk drops a pumpkin on your head, busting it open, all over that silk blouse. *SNAP* Yeah, I took a pic of that...

Step 7: Ya gotta eat. Pumpkins secure and wheelbarrowed to the car, you have now realized that you have been here like 12 hours and the children are whithering away in front of you while the parents that packed Oreos in their took frakkin big to be here strollers are looking at you like they are ready to call child services. So you gotta feed them, which is yet another line, stretching the length of the Nile river. Get in that line and make Hot Roommate (well, YOUR Hot Roommate, not mine, I’m the jealous type) take the kiddos to look at the fish (don’t ask) but watch out! If you are not careful about three feet from where you order you are going to discover that you are in the line for doughnuts and not hot dogs, that line was the one reaching across the galaxy. Here kids, have a doughnut or 12. No, you are not getting a hot dog, we are going to eat these doughnuts I missed my 33rd birthday to buy. And go ahead “Perfect” mom, call child services. Doughnuts never killed anyone. 

Step 8: Beware the corn maze. So maybe your significant other didn’t want to take the kiddos to look at the fishes, finding the Corn Maze instead. Ok, before we begin, let’s get something straight. It’s a MAZE. Here, in case you are unsure of what that word means, read this: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/maze?s=t See! It is MEANT to be confusing. It is NOT easy, BUT the pumpkin patch has HIRED people to watch the maze in case shit goes down.  Do NOT call 911. Yes, people have done that. Here is proof: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oblQonO0Qw And look, yet again, a Darwin Nominee makes the blog!!

Step 9: And the Boo House. This is NOT to be confused with that scary ass shit they do after dark. THAT we don’t take our kids to. Hell, I don’t take Hot Roommate to that; he will punch someone. (Wait! Wait! If Hot Roommate won’t go.... Shanks!!! Come to VA!! Come with me!! It will be fun!!!! Make a fan’s DREAM come true!!!) Alright, I am going to STOP dreaming about jumping into the arms of hot Canadian men and refocus. There is a kid version of the boo house. It’s like $3. Your kids will beg you to go inside. It sucks. They will complain after that it sucked. Just buy them more doughnuts. 

Step 10: Visit the Christmas shop. See! Look over there, there is a gourmet food section. Salsa, Peanut Butter, Amish Candies, Organic Jellies....Wait? Where’s the wine? The sign clearly said GOURMET which we all know is code for “Shit Ton of Alcohol with One Box of Crackers so we don’t have to call ourselves the ABC store and be closed on Sundays.” You can’t sell alcohol?? Honey. Honey. HONEY!! There is not booze babe; I am out. See if Mrs. Hooker Boots will give you a ride home, once she unsticks her heel.