How to be Cheap

How to be Cheap

Subtitle: Extreme Cheapskates is giving my heart failure. 

And I grew up poor.

I can't even start this with a step. 

It began with the fact that dinner needs to be no later than 6:30 or my children will die of starvation and Sookie doesn't start till 9. 

Obviously, we need to fill the time. 

Now we HAD been watching The Amazing Race, but that is over, and we turned to Netflix to try to find Storage Wars (yes, yes, something else I have in common with Mr. Canadian Hot Pants). 

Lo and behold we find, Extreme Cheapskates. 

WHAT. 

THE. 

HELL. 

We're gonna start with a rant. 

I grew up po' (that's the step below poor). Hot dogs (and kind that you don't wanna know the ingredients to) cut up on boxed macaroni OR ramen noodles. We rented a house on the farm and the farmer brought us free veggies and meat and stuff. I learned how to cut corners in home repair, and how to double a coupon and sign up for freebies in the mail. 

THAT is being cheap. 

Being said, here are my simple steps to being CHEAP and NOT be GROSS. 

I'm just gonna go down episodes...

Step 1: Don't ask for people's food. Yes, it seems wasteful but PEOPLE are GROSS and dirty. Do not get up and ask them for their leftovers. 

Instead? 

DON'T EAT OUT!! 

One adult dinner plate at average restaurant = $15

Eating SAME THING ABOUT HOME is usually around $4

Trust me, Gordan Ramsey makes this a Hell's Kitchen challenge. 

STAY YOUR DIRTY AZZ HOME.

Step 2: BUY TOILET PAPER. 

The average person uses about 30 rolls of toilet paper per year. Let's round on the high side. Let's say that rolls are $2each  and you use 40. 

That's $80 a year!! A YEAR! Not a month, a year. 

Someone's gonna lecture me about third world, history, blah blah, but if you are reading this YOU are using the internet. 

Welcome to the First World. 

BUY toilet paper. 

Or at least a bidet. 

Step 3: If you aren't gonna buy food for yourself, fine, but DO NOT FEED YOUR GUESTS YOUR NONSENSE. 

In the pilot, a lady fed her neighbors' kids pizza made from expired ingredients and wild grass salad that they foraged NOT from their woods (MY kids forage berries from OUR land all the time) but a PUBLIC PARK.  In the second episode the woman featured had guests over and served them food that had LITERALLY been taken OUT of the trash bag on the street. 

You want us to accept YOUR lifestyle? 

Then accept OURS. 

And that is UNSANITARY.

Again, remember my background? I KNOW how long food is good after the date, I KNOW, and what was going on in this show was NOT remotely safe or sanitary. 

Wanna save money on food?

I'd like to introduce you to coupons. You don't need to buy a paper. You can load them on store cards that are also free. 

Better yet? You REALLY don't wanna pay?

I WILL MAIL YOU SEEDS. 

A lot of my family STILL grow a substantial amount of their own food. 

Step 4: Buy clothes, or at least make them. 

There is NOTHING wrong with a thrift store, nothing, I ADORE the Goodwill, or swapping with friends but clothes are organic. They wear, they fray, they can get to a point where they smell like B.O. no matter HOW many times you wash them. 

THEY NEED TO BE THROWN OUT. 

And not even THROWN OUT, you can use them in your garden, or as cleaning rags (so you don't need to buy as many paper towels) but bragging about not buying underwear since 1998??

I'd like to reiterate, FILTHY. 

Step 5: Ok, so I could kinda get on board with the fiscal week off (not spending money for a week) because we do that every now and then, but usually out of frustration for going to the store, or really busy with work, etc. 

So, dude on show goes out and forages for change because that will not break his rule and comes up with $7.50. 

He declares he is going to buy meat. 

Now...around here, a rotisserie chicken is $5.99. There is usually a meat of the week that is $2 - $3 a pound. Just looking through my local Kroger ad, I can get chicken breast for $2.49 a pound this week, STEAK for $4.99, and I think I saw lamb...

My point is, TWO, YOU and YOUR WIFE by portion control options are supposed to eat 1/4 - 1/2 pound of meat max, which means for $7.50 that you DUG out of the dryer you COULD get:

1 pound of chicken or lamb
1 box of Rice-a-Roni (at FULL price it's only $1.89 but it is never NOT on sale)
1 head of broccoli or bag of baby carrots

THAT is food.

You just bought that goat head to be cute and the butcher "giving" them to you for $7.50? My brother is in a heavy metal band. Guess how much HE pays for heads at the butcher?

$0.

I rest my case.

Step 6:  I just can't anymore. I've turned the show off, I'm not sure if I can ever watch this again. People ate out of dumpsters and crawled through filth for change. These are NOT people that are impoverished and need financial help from the government, these are people who have jobs or are married and their spouse has a job and keep saying on the show that they don't need to do this, they choose to.

And this is why I can't watch reality TV.