How to make the GREATEST HORROR PROGRAM OF ALL TIME

How to make the GREATEST HORROR PROGRAM OF ALL TIME

Subtitle: Congrats WGN, because as much as I love "The Walking Dead" you win. 

Step 1: F*#k history. Seriously, because if you think 'The Crucible' turned the Salem Witch trails into a farce of historical fiction, Mr. Miller and Miss Ryder can't hold a candle to WGN's Salem. 

Good guys are bad guys, bad guys are good guys and as a history teacher I just gave up trying to fix the plethora historical inaccuracies. It was like watching Troy, except without Brat Pitt running around naked. 

That's ok, because EVERYONE ELSE DOES. 

These are the nastiest Puritans that I have ever seen...

Dr. Scanlon, remember making me read that book about the Puritans not being so pure? 

That book's got NOTHING on Salem :)

Step 2: Tip a hat to pop culture. 

Do you remember this?? Just click, you'll thank me... 

Now read THIS, from the script (can't get video, license and whatnot) 

Yea, that happened. 

I rewound it about FIVE times. 

I'm actually having to compose myself to continue to blog about this. 

Step 3: Make sure to COMPLETELY destroy a religion. Okay, so this is based on the Salem witch trails, which as we all know was about the Puritans, in the name of God trying to cleanse their section of the colonies from the evils of witchcraft. One of the main characters is Cotton Mather, an actual person, who you can read about here: Wikipedia, don't lecture me on .edu's right now.... 

For those NOT inclined to read, here is good old Cotton:

And here is Cotton on Salem. 

Did I mention he QUOTES Revelation at the height of his, um, satisfaction??

Here's another script clip, just for you...

Did I rewatch that part?

To quote Sarah Palin...YOU BETCHA! 

However, before the Christians get upset, they don't just stop with the desecration of THEIR religion, oh no, Salem is equal opportunity...

Step 4: Insult two religions, just for good measure. Anyone KNOW a Wiccan? 

I do, in fact, I'm related to a few. 

Here's what WICCANS (i.e. Witches) believe: I got this site from someone that ACTUALLY practices!!!

Go ahead, read up, scan everything because GUESS what Wiccans DO NOT worship?

THE DEVIL!!

That's right, no Satan. Only nature.  

Keeping that in mind this is what Wicca is: (again I got this FROM A WICCAN to be sure)

"Wicca is the formalized system of worship that reveres the Goddess and the God of ancient pagan belief.

There are lots of different "schools" of wicca (like denominations in Christian religion), but they share mostly similar rituals and beliefs." 

Basically, Wicca are the people who are telling you to drink this tea and that to settle your stomach. In fact, every Wiccan I know is kind, caring and sweet. 

Let's talk about the witches of Salem:

• They stuff frogs and snakes into people to make them do their bidding. 
• They go into catatonic sex trances to mess with people inside their heads.
• They let their familiars eat them like some sort of vampire, but only in sexy places ;)
• They were ALL inducted by Satan, making him a VERY busy little Devil to get around that much. 
• They are also planning the Apocalypse....

Which begs the question...

Who's calling Buffy?

By the way, here's a Fun review - Because SOMEONE IS ACTUALLY TAKING THIS MESS SERIOUSLY!!!

As you can see, I'm NOT!! 

Step 5: Rip off classic horror. You wanna sell a horror show that is NOT about zombies and vampires but then realize after you write the damn thing that everyone else is doing witches too??

Head back to the 1980's to get some inspiration. 

Here's a box that Mary Sibley so desperately needs to bring about "Last Days" : 

This is the box from horror classic "Hellraiser" :

Later, Mr. Hale uses a mask that transports them wherever they need to go (which is usually the creepy ass woods full of *gasp* natives): 

Now, it's not horror, but...

I'd like to state, for the record, that I am NOT one of those people that notices stuff like this (in fact, I sit at Stargate Con and smile and nod and act like I have ANY clue what in that hell episode that was, because, I don't, ever) but if I'm noticing this, then, someone's NOT trying to hide it. 

Step 6: Know your role...

True Blood = Vampire Porn

Bitten = Werewolf Porn

Coven (or so I hear) = Witch Porn

Salem = ALL OF THE ABOVE ISH PORN

That's a LOT of skin for Basic Cable, just sayin'.

Step 7: Mention everyone hating and killing the Puritans, including the Puritans themselves once every five minutes. 

I have this thing with a friend of mine, who I called to get help on this blog with, who's ranting, right now (he's on speaker phone) and his rants went something like this (paraphrased).

"It's because they were NASTY people...if you point me to a problem I can connect it to the Puritans. See! No! That's what this show is doing! The writers are telling us that it's TIME to CUT our PURITANICAL BONDS! They know we're too lazy and stupid to fix America, but if we present it as an allegory as to WHY these people ruined our lives and history you can see how they've destroyed everything. We're trapped in a religion that every European country was like, nah, y'all gotta LEAVE (I cannot understand what he is ranting right now...can't type that fast....)

I wonder if I can get audio....

(End of rant: "You know how I get if you call and ask me about the Puritans. Why did you do that?")

Step 8: Make sure to ruin all medicine we have learned about in whiny TV medical dramas because in Salem we can cut animals OUT OF YOUR stomach and you live cut open FOR DAYS.

Case #1: Mercy Lewis. Here's good 'ole Mercy with snake...

And then her dear old dad Reverend Lewis does some home operating (again, they have removed the episode "Lies" from the web so I can't screen cap it) but without so much as ONE stitch being shown she is suddenly up and about...

Case #2: George Sibley

Now, considering the frog came up and down his throat, why he didn't think to puke is beyond me but, here you go...

And then, miraculously, his sits like this...

Now granted, magic blah blah blah but it takes at LEAST a few hours for this magical help to arrive. 

From someone who has cut a leg shaving, a lot, BLOOD GUSHES...

So, either Shonda Rimes has taught me nothing OR I need to continue to suspend my disbelief. 

Step 9: Have everyone be fully dressed at all times outside of sex scenes including the Native Americans (who when they are not dressed are painted, completely) except for SHANE WEST / JOHN ALDEN who must do EVERYTHING shirtless. 

(Again, because they keep taking pics and episodes off of Hulu, you get this)

But seriously, every time this man completes a SINGLE chore, he's shirtless. 

EVERY. 

SINGLE.

TIME. 

And no one bats an eye. Not that I'm complaining, but since they keep scolding women about hats and necklines one would THINK that sweaty pecs are equally as offensive.

Step 10: Cotton Mather YOU WIN.

You are in love with a prostitute and quote the Bible IN THE ACT. 

You drink more than a frat boy. 

You dabble in the voodoo. 

And when you get mad at daddy you do this...

Get drunk, climb in a tree, and pee on John Alden. 

I even was Cotton on the official "Who are you?" character quiz :D 

So, if you're looking for some quality entertainment on Sundays at 10/9c, tune into WGN. 

You WON'T be sorry. 

And, I might even try to make a drinking game for this show, so stay tuned. 

Official Show Website

How to End the Mommy Wars

How to End the Mommy Wars

Subtitle: My response to the viral articles that have been gaining momentum, and what I think a NORMAL person has to say. 

Sub sub title: My blogs are long, kiss it. If you want lists go to Buzzfeed.

Here I was, trolling Facebook, pissed of because my DAMN Achilles Tendon is acting up again and I couldn't run much today when I found THIS article: 

End the Mommy Wars

I clicked, of course, because as the parent that LITERALLY was GAWKED at at my kid's school a few times (the most notable being when my hair was blue) I was curious. See, in some ways as a parent I am VERY traditional, when in others liberal does not go as far to describe how I parent. So when it comes to ending the "Mommy Wars" I'm all for it, because life shouldn't be a constant competition of trendy bullcrap that makes you look better than the next person, it should be about having a good time, making a difference, or treating others with respect.

I clicked. 

*facepalm* 

Ok, can I make this ANY clearer...

LIFE IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE! THERE IS GRAY AREA!!!

*Full disclosure*

As soon as I typed that I searched for a particular quote on living in absolutes to use and make sure it was correct attributed but this one is much better:

We ALL know what happens after this right? 

If not, you might wanna start watching Star Wars. 

Ok, so here is my response for the "Ending the Mommy Wars" - the COMMON SENSE version. 

*Disclaimer #2* - I am WELL aware of them using absolutes as an illustration of the different ends of the spectrum. Emotional, brow-beaten moms and the general public may NOT be as aware. 

Image 1: 

Natural Home Birth vs. Scheduled C-section

Here's a concept...ASK YOUR DOCTOR!!! 

Put aside the crap you've read on trendy grocery store magazines and ask someone who spent MOST of their adult life learning how to understand the human body and let THEM guide you. I have actually seen blogs discuss doctors "selling out" to big pharm blah blah blah. 

Then YOU'VE got the wrong doctor. 

Get off your butt and find a good one and stop letting someone with a computer and internet connection tell you what is best for you, your child and your body (yes, I too see the irony in that statement). 

Image 2: 

Breastfeed versus formula. 

I formula fed Will. 

I breastfed Clare. 

I did not feel connected with my child or any of that other stuff breastfeeding. 

I know right? The horror! I am SUCH a bad mom. 

Point is, I was formula day one and am a successful person. My sister was breastfed from day one and is a honors college student. We are both VERY healthy and active. You can do either, both, or a mix, as I did. 

Your kid will NOT die, trust me. 

Image 3: 

Work "outside" the home versus Stay at home mom. 

First, as someone who works FULL time in a CAREER position INSIDE the home, I take offense at that PC "outside the home" nonsense. Let's call a spade a spade, you either work or you don't. 

AND IT DOESN'T MATTER!!

OR, god forbid, you can work part-time inside the home, or outside of the home, or do home-sales, or be a stay at home mom that keeps kids or be a stay at home mom that is a super volunteer in your kids lives. 

Just get over that work crap already. 

Image 4 - 7: I was ok with these, I felt they were pretty reasonable. Any you want me to address, let me know in the comments :) 

Image 8: 

The fact that you had to put "reasonably" in your poster pretty much makes my entire case here and negates your article. Who are you afraid is gonna call you out? That disclaimer being needed pretty much makes those of us who let them cry it out (and you're damn right I did, after I changed, food check etc., you cry, I leave room and done) now have to define reasonable thereby starting another mommy war. 

Nice move there...

Image 9: 

And the bi parents? Just sayin'

Image 10: 

Again, ok fine, no beef.

Image 11: 

Ok, this is getting long for me and I'm just too bored to continue. My point is this. My kids eat McDonald's and they also like to walk to the farm stand a few miles down the road and pick out organic watermelons. There IS a middle ground, one founded in REASON and LOGIC. There is NO such thing as the perfect parent, even if you follow every trend, every book that Dr. Sears puts out, every ounce of guidance from your parents. 

You're gonna screw up, probably a lot. 

You're gonna have to do different things for different kids that work for YOUR family. 

And you know what? The fact that you took the time to CARE enough to even read something like this, says a lot about how much you care anyways. 

Keep fighting the good fight!

Sincerely,

A NOT SO PERFECT Mom :) 

How to Leave

How to Leave

Subtitle: I can't take it anymore, so I'm bowing out.

It's not called quitting when there's a better option.

Please note: Not in normal format, so bear with me...

Dear Fandom,

I would like to begin by saying that I'm sorry it took me so long to learn of you as I am normally the person that likes to learn new things, but I was super busy. First, I'd like to thank you for your kind invitation into your fold a few years ago. I was excited, it was cool to belong to something so big and rich, but I am sad to say that this letter officially marks my resignation from your group. 

As to not cause any confusion, I would like to state why...

First, the term itself is troubling. It derives from the word fan which is short for fanatic which is as a person with "excessive or single-minded zeal." Unfortunately, single-minded is probably that last way I would describe myself as I have a variety of interests in variety of areas. While I understand that English is an ever changing language and the term has come to mean simply a person that likes/enjoys something a lot, I can't shake that I know the origin and really and truly "excessive and single-minded zeal" is a lot of what I witness. 

Secondly, I don't think I can hack being a part of your organization. I have so much going on in my life, a job, a family, pets, friends, hobbies, volunteer work to know things like episode names and what time things are in syndication or the birthdate and sports teams of the children of some of the actors I like is next to impossible. Hell, I barely know some of their (actors) names; thank Athena for Wikipedia! I just don't know those little "fan" tidbits and since I have to work and pay my bills I don't have a lot of time to look them up. And honestly, I don't care. I will go to a con here or there and give a hug, but to be truthful, I'm terrified of a photo-op taking too long because I have NO IDEA what the guest is talking about when he/she/they mention a fan or personal website update last week. 

No idea. 

I'm just smiling and nodding because they play a character I like in something. 

Thirdly, and most concerning, is the bullying. Now, I understand that many of the fans have flocked to this to escape reality and have since they were in school. I didn't, I just liked the stuff in my free time, and I really can't relate to them when they talk about being bullied in school/work/life because that is just not my personal life experience. To top it off, however, what I then see, in person and online are the very same people that are whining about being bullied, bullying themselves. 

Ok I'm lost?

Is this something those of us who were not bullies or have never been victims won't get?

You see, I had always assumed that if you were, I dunno, let's say, singled out in high school to be harassed that you would never want to do that to another person, that you would want other people to live a life better than yours, not that you would turn to the internet to find your own victims. Or, if you had a rough life, which that I've had I just try not to rub it in everyone else's faces, that you would want to help others, not use it as an excuse to be abusive. That just makes no sense, and it makes me feel as if there is some psychologically wrong with the entire organization. 

Lastly, and I truly apologize for this, I think I came into this for the wrong reasons. Not to beat a dead horse, but I found you at a low time in my life and you helped get me through it. Thanks for that, but it was selfish and I tried to give back, write some stories for the other fans, but I just don't think I thought it through before joining. I like to give things 100%, my "A game" so to speak, and I haven't. I don't get fan sites, I don't join forums, I really do not feel comfortable in fan groups and I feel guilty talking to others about having a happy life that is not fictional. Because of these things, I have been VERY slack in my fan knowledge and interaction so when things are presented to me I'm back at the photo-op scenario where I just have no clue as to what is going on. As such,  I feel that since I am unable to give you my very best, and it is time that I step away. 

In closing, I'd like to thank you for your willingness to accept me. I wish you only the best. 

Sincerely,

Bri

ex-fan

now someone that just "likes" stuff