How to Leave

How to Leave

Subtitle: I can't take it anymore, so I'm bowing out.

It's not called quitting when there's a better option.

Please note: Not in normal format, so bear with me...

Dear Fandom,

I would like to begin by saying that I'm sorry it took me so long to learn of you as I am normally the person that likes to learn new things, but I was super busy. First, I'd like to thank you for your kind invitation into your fold a few years ago. I was excited, it was cool to belong to something so big and rich, but I am sad to say that this letter officially marks my resignation from your group. 

As to not cause any confusion, I would like to state why...

First, the term itself is troubling. It derives from the word fan which is short for fanatic which is as a person with "excessive or single-minded zeal." Unfortunately, single-minded is probably that last way I would describe myself as I have a variety of interests in variety of areas. While I understand that English is an ever changing language and the term has come to mean simply a person that likes/enjoys something a lot, I can't shake that I know the origin and really and truly "excessive and single-minded zeal" is a lot of what I witness. 

Secondly, I don't think I can hack being a part of your organization. I have so much going on in my life, a job, a family, pets, friends, hobbies, volunteer work to know things like episode names and what time things are in syndication or the birthdate and sports teams of the children of some of the actors I like is next to impossible. Hell, I barely know some of their (actors) names; thank Athena for Wikipedia! I just don't know those little "fan" tidbits and since I have to work and pay my bills I don't have a lot of time to look them up. And honestly, I don't care. I will go to a con here or there and give a hug, but to be truthful, I'm terrified of a photo-op taking too long because I have NO IDEA what the guest is talking about when he/she/they mention a fan or personal website update last week. 

No idea. 

I'm just smiling and nodding because they play a character I like in something. 

Thirdly, and most concerning, is the bullying. Now, I understand that many of the fans have flocked to this to escape reality and have since they were in school. I didn't, I just liked the stuff in my free time, and I really can't relate to them when they talk about being bullied in school/work/life because that is just not my personal life experience. To top it off, however, what I then see, in person and online are the very same people that are whining about being bullied, bullying themselves. 

Ok I'm lost?

Is this something those of us who were not bullies or have never been victims won't get?

You see, I had always assumed that if you were, I dunno, let's say, singled out in high school to be harassed that you would never want to do that to another person, that you would want other people to live a life better than yours, not that you would turn to the internet to find your own victims. Or, if you had a rough life, which that I've had I just try not to rub it in everyone else's faces, that you would want to help others, not use it as an excuse to be abusive. That just makes no sense, and it makes me feel as if there is some psychologically wrong with the entire organization. 

Lastly, and I truly apologize for this, I think I came into this for the wrong reasons. Not to beat a dead horse, but I found you at a low time in my life and you helped get me through it. Thanks for that, but it was selfish and I tried to give back, write some stories for the other fans, but I just don't think I thought it through before joining. I like to give things 100%, my "A game" so to speak, and I haven't. I don't get fan sites, I don't join forums, I really do not feel comfortable in fan groups and I feel guilty talking to others about having a happy life that is not fictional. Because of these things, I have been VERY slack in my fan knowledge and interaction so when things are presented to me I'm back at the photo-op scenario where I just have no clue as to what is going on. As such,  I feel that since I am unable to give you my very best, and it is time that I step away. 

In closing, I'd like to thank you for your willingness to accept me. I wish you only the best. 

Sincerely,

Bri

ex-fan

now someone that just "likes" stuff 

How to Relax

How to Relax

Subtitle: Just stop right there. I do know how to relax. 

Really.

I do. 

Stop laughing. 

Who told you to buy all that Spanish wine? 

Thought so....

Step 1: Survive. Whether it be Monday (ugh like today) or the week, the month, the year, or your in-laws visiting (which we all know is some period of time between a year and an eternity in the hottest depths of hell)... (just kidding Mary xo) all you gotta do it survive. 

Step 2:  Or avoid getting arrested. I mean, sometimes, people deserve a slap down but you just can't, even though you want to, even though they really deserve it because for some unexplainable reason they have lost ALL touch with reality as a whole and not even a deity or a hot Canadian actor that looks like one could convince them of said reality you can't hit them, kick them or shoot them with a poo gun. 

Especially the poo gun thing, because only the military has those. 

Google: Gun that makes you poo

See? My friend says 'Enlisted' is pretty accurate and that man has a POO gun!

I'll wait. 

But in the off chance that you HAVE to punch someone's lights out or slash their tires, have bail money. 

Step 3:  Strip. 

Woah boys, calm down, this isn't a show. 

Get into PJs, yoga pants, fluffy socks, anything that you could NEVER set foot in a professional setting wearing. 

Me? I prefer yoga pants and a Daniel Jackson t-shirt. 

I wear him for the SAYING!! Perverts! 

That way Daniel is close to my....

Nevermind, I said there was no show here. 

Step 4: Heat. 

It is essential and can come in many forms. 

Stop thinking like that. 

Oh you weren't? That was just me? 

My bad...

Back to the heat. 

Ok, you can take a hot shower, get in the hot tub, the sauna, the electric blanket, the heating pad, the sunshine, the possibilities are endless but just get HOT. It will relax your everything and make you jello. 

No we are not drinking just yet. Unless you just wanna stay here, which is acceptable, and therefore you can skip to step 10. 

Step 5: Pour a starter drink! Ha, we didn't even get to step 10, but we need to enjoy our starter beverage before we move to step 6. 

In case you never learned this in college, I am about to impart on you one of the best pieces of advice I was EVER given:

Beer before liquor, much much sicker. 

Liquor before beer, in the clear. 

In which case I am NOT breaking the set-up of my comedic blog entries in that we are not drinking wine (which works like the beer in the rhyme above, but doesn't rhyme so we assume), we are drinking liquor. 

I recommend tequila. 

Step 6: Make food. Now, yes, I am healthy now, and fit and blah blah blah but if the day has been shitty do NOT each frakkin' tofu. 

No, I'm not advocating breaking out the brownies, I mean you can, but eat something that makes you happy because otherwise all of this great relaxation progress is going to come to a halt because you are pissed off that you have to eat some nonsense that you don't like anyway but some idiot celebrity on twitter brags about eating because she knows SOOOO much about health...

But I digress. 

Get something you want to eat. 

Right now, I am gonna get some apple and peanut butter, because I LIKE peanut butter. 

Step 7:  Get LOST. 

WAIT! COME BACK! 

I didn't mean literally!

Find a fantasy world and get lost in it. Whether it be a book, a TV show, a movie, something you are creating, anything get totally and a hundred percent lost in it. 

SCREW what anyone else thinks because if they are judging YOUR relaxation they are just jealous that they a) can't or b) are too stupid to figure out what to get lost in. 

Let yourself melt away..............

Sorry, got lost in some Daniel & Addy fan fic. 

Addy's Daniel...*sigh*

You judging? 

Two words: Reality TV

Uh huh, can we continue? 

Step 8: Put your kids to bed. Whether they be furry or smooth kids, by this point you may be a half a bottle of tequila in, slow down momma, a pan of brownies and might be Macarena-ing on the Wii. 

Forget school, your kids don't wanna see that. 

Trust me, no one can make the Macarena look good. 

Step 9:  Cards Against Humanity. 

Again, if you don't know what this is, go search it, or better yet, go check out Wil Wheaton's twitter feed. 

Jaw up. 

Oh, I thought you already knew I was going to hell. 

I've designed my throne :P

Step 10: .... a poem

Stop that fussin' and that whine

Cuz tomorrow you gotta rise and shine

But for now enjoy the fruit of the vine

And open up some Spanish wine

Not from a gas station :P 

Enjoy ya'll! 

I'm gonna relax 

How to Understand Your Distance Runner Friends

How to Understand Your Distance Runner Friends 

Subtitle: We seem to make sense on those light workout days and then we disappear for hours only to return and wander incoherently. 

THIS is why...

This blog is an extension of a Facebook status that a few people suggested I should write. 

Enjoy. 

SETTING THE SCENE: 

It's been only 8.5 miles, a very light long run day, but I'm in 10K & Tri mode, so there's no need for double digits today. I stagger into the house, in some strange mixture of sheer elation and exhaustion. My husband tries to talk to me, how was the run, here is a play by play of everything that happened while I was gone as if I have been gone for over a week, and now he is asking me what I wanna do this afternoon and...

STOP!!!

Let me explain. 

This, my love, is what a distance runner goes through, things that when I ran in high school and college I never quite experienced because I never got this far. 

Cycle of long run day: 

Step 1: Relief that long run is over.

That cute little lady or beep goes off and you scream 'YES!' because you survived another long one! WOO HOO!! It's OVER! WE may now proceed with our regularly scheduled day. 

But wait. 


Step 2: "Damn, I could do more. Let's go do more..."

And now you're standing in your kitchen, a glance at your feet, starting to criticize yourself rather than praise. You fat cow you can run a bit further, burn more calories, shave more seconds off your mile, I'm not tired, I feel good, I can go more, of this, maybe a half marathon, let's run a hundred miles...

And then...


Step 3: You realize that you're training for a specific race and therefore need to stop at the mileage you stopped at because it's part of a training plan to meet a goal not for temporary gratification. 

That's why training plans exist, to follow them, even when you don't want to. 

FOLLOW THE PLAN. 

BE RATIONAL. 

You DON'T want to get hurt. 

Remember that last time? 

Ouch...


Step 4: Get pissed about step 3.

REALLY pissed. 

It might be a good idea to leave the room and change clothes. 

And IF you're still in the room: STEP AWAY FROM THE RUNNER! 


Step 5: The body has finally figured out it is not going to get to go out again and responds by sweating like a pig. 

You've made it to your room and are peeling away the clothes that are now a part of your body when it hits you. The wet, the smell, the disgusting...the suction. (Yeah, that's a thing...)

My godmother once taught me that girls don't sweat, they glow. 

Oh no, not me.

I sweat like a HORSE!

TMI??

My bad. 


Step 6: Begin to shiver and shake as you're freezing because a) you're finally sweating and b) you're not as big as you used to be anymore and you're in a constant state of 'I am freezing.' 

And I'm not talking about let's get a sweater freezing, I'm talking knees knocking, full on need to move to the tropics freezing and after being a distance runner now for over three years my husband still gets freaked out about. 


Step 7: I need a shower, to be less gross and more warm. 

Now, start the water, it's heating, not hot enough, I have a towel, waters almost ready when it hits me...

OH DEAR LORD...


Step 8: (Body speaking) "Screw a shower you vain beast, FEED ME." 

"But I smell..." 

"Wanna smell worse? I can make that happen." 

"How, you have nothing in there to MAKE that happen with?"

"Ever smelled a dead person?"

"No, but you haven't either."

"Touché, but do you think anyone else here wants to find out?"


Step 9: Internal debate of shower versus food as you chug water. (They are not too exhausted to form REAL words...)

Dizzy....

Smelly....

Rumbly....

Achy.....

Tired....

I.

AM.

SO.

TIRED.


Step 10: Give up on everything and pass out asleep.

Ok, so you might not sleep, after all, most of us that run have to just keep on trucking after training with kids, jobs, etc. 

My point here is this, yep, we sure are gluttons for punishment, and no, don't pity us, we will want to punch you, but long after the cute little running fad is over, those of us who do this every single week will still be at it, still stinking it up, still giving you the hate stare for asking if we want a Powerbar or some nonsense. 

Just hand us a jug of water and back away. 

FAST.